Open Letter: Dear Femme

[julieisafemme]

Originally Posted by Arwen

Labels.

I am one of those who actually likes labels. I like to stick them on myself and then watch other people's brains turn to mush when they try to figure out how all of those labels can be one person.

When I am in a partnership, I like "taking care" of my other half. It feeds my soul. I do this on a fairly instinctive basis. It is not because I think it is the "girl" role. I do this for my friends as well. It is the "Arwen" role.

I believe that when we make a case for femme as anything we define it as, we must make sure that we are not limiting that "anything" to anything we are comfortable with.

I like to cook. When I shared a house with Goofy, I enjoyed feeding him. (please note he cooked as well). I do not know if he got the same enjoyment out of cooking for me as I did for him. (Also, for those that do not know, Goof and I are just friends. )

But cooking, for me, is an expression of who I am. Not my femme self. My Arwen self. I do it because it is a way to put some of my creativity out there in a tangible way.

So, if I enjoy cooking, does that make me an accomplice to the male-centric domination of our culture?

I don't think so.

I think if I got upset that my partner cooked, THEN I would be contributing.

I do know that I've made jokes about a butch's place is at the BBQ. I personally do not enjoy BBQing. I like eating it and fixing it...but the actual standing by the BBQ? Not so much.

Yeah, I do see that as a "boy" thing. And that is my own lightbulb on how I foster this male-centric attitude.

Now, mind you, this does NOT mean I am going to hit the BBQ. I will however change my language around it being the butch's job. How about in my world, it is anyone's job but mine.

How about a thread challenge? We are all doing so fabulously at conversing here.

Who else can come up with a personal, concrete example of what you (not generic, but personal) do to foster even in a small way, the idea that femme is somehow defined/refined by butch?

What labels do you love? hate? What do you somehow see as your role that possibly is not?

Yes, I know I'm rambling. I do that.

I have not spent hardly any time as an unattached femme. I met someone and then immediately was defined by that person and his ID. The fact that my partner is trans has brought many suprising interactions my way both in the queer world and the straight world. I wish I could say that they were good surprises. So sometimes I feel like I have no clue who I am as a femme and that all the word means is who I am partnered with. That is why I love this thread!!!!!

I love all labels. I am a labely kind of gal. The supportive role and label we have talked about is one I don't like sometimes. As a woman I am expected to be supportive of everyone, all the time. That gets old and it is my mistake and my responsibility to support myself first always. I don't do that and that is a problem. It is the age old lament I think. When is there time for me?