Eating Disorders ~

[Miss Scarlett]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

I was the same way about people seeing me eat- and i still have moments when i am eating and someone walks in on my and i feel like i can't finish until they leave again

I was afraid of laxative addiction b/c i had heard you could end up with a colostomy bag forever- i decided i was going to outsmart that and just have multiple daily enemas- haha guess what- long term effects the same

i got so bony that it hurt to lay on the bed and i couldn't go through doors with my hands full because opening it with my hip was too painful

the scary part is that i still think i looked great and have moments where i really resent my recovery

then i remind myself of how lonely it was- i couldn't go anywhere or do anything because there are calories in every social, family, and professional event

and there is still a little voice that whispers "there must be a way to get back to a 16 BMI and still have a life"

Yes, we'll always have those moments...most of the time i can ignore it but when under stress or very upset...

The hardest thing for me to accept when i began my journey back was that this will be with me forever.

Breaking my use of laxatives was extremely painful. i was fortunate that the father of a good friend was a doctor and was willing to "assist" me when things became "difficult."

Fortunately i didn't have any lasting consequences from the laxatives. The ipecac addiction was of great concern for many years and i still get my heart checked annually because of the occasional funky rhythm i inherited from my grandmother. But there doesn't seem to be anything of concern there either.

Do remember how comforting that self-imposed exile felt? Whenever it crosses my mind i have to stop and ask myself "what was i thinking?"