The Femmes That Love You...

[GraffitiBoi]

Originally Posted by Dance-with-me

I ID as a queer femme because I find myself attracted pretty much exclusively to very masculine butch's or trans guys, and not at all significantly attracted to more feminine or androgynous women - or to cis-guys. I have attempted at times to explain it or even just understand for myself, but really it just is what it is.

I was discussing labels recently and this very topic came up between a femme and myself. (For gender I ID as FTM/genderqueer/boi/whatever. For sexuality I just identify as queer. I only am attracted to and date femme cis-women.) I like how you ID as a queer femme and I think I may refer her to this post.

But when I have dated transmen in the past, and it definitely brought up in me some of the same issues that some of the other femme here have mentioned, especially in terms of the invisibility I face as someone who is queer. My own identity is never defined by my relationship to someone else, but at the same time, what I lose when dating a transman is the ability to just be myself and automatically be out about my own identity. When someone who looks like me discusses the person I'm seeing using male pronouns, and walks down the street with somebody who is coearly male, the only way to be out about my own identity is to be very deliberate about coming out - i lase the option of being out just by being myself.

But at the same time, I would absolutely respect my lover/partners/whatever's choice to notrelative as trans or with relating to him as simply male and not as trans.

The last girl I dated (She is not on this site, nor will she ever be) had such an issue with how I identified that she tried to physically change me. She tried to get me to grow my hair and nails and dress at least more androgynous, if not feminine. When I told her that just wasn't me she would talk down to me, treat me like a child and idiot, refuse to speak to me, and cancelled plans we had together. She said she is a lesbian and only dates other lesbians. I am post top-op and had been on hormones since 2003. She knew who and what I was when she met me and said it's the person, not the appearance, that she falls in love with. She changed her mind when people in public assumed we were a straight couple.

There are just no easy answers for this, because of course I have just as much right to maintain and be clear about my own identity as any Transguy has a right to be clear about his own identity.

I tried to find a balance for us but nothing would make her happy unless people thought I was female and a lesbian right along with her. I'm just too much boi to be comfortable with that. Funny thing is, even without me around people assume she's straight. It frustrates her, especially when all I can say when she complains about it is "sorry."

So I'm just really curious. This question is for the post transition guys who identify only as male and not as trans, and who completely pass as male. In what ways (if any) do you feel completely comfortable supporting your femme's assertion of her own queer identity. And in what ways would you like to see her handle the questions she would receive from her friends, community, family, coworkers, about why after so many years she has chosen to date/be partnered with a guy?

I can completely pass as male when I feel like it, but I do identify as trans and not male, so I'll let one of the men on here answer this part.

Please give your answer from the standpoint that your femme is 100% excepting and respecting who you are and how you identify.

Sorry, I just had to throw in the experience I had with one who was not understanding. Unfortunately I have not had the opportunity to date anyone who does accept it 100% Someday I will, I can't give up hope yet.