The Mythical *Pass* for Differently-Abled People

[adorable]

I give people passes. Differently abled - perfectly abled - any kind of abled.

We ALL have something that isn't right. For some of us, how we are raised means that we don't have appropriate social skills. Some might talk like an asshole to everyone, scream and yell - say all kinds of mean and stupid things. My grandfather comes to mind. I have a choice as to whether or not I interact with him. I chose to. I do that because I love him and know that his life was way harder then mine and that in his heart he cares about me. Would people call him abusive? Yep and he sure can be. I give him a pass and deal with him knowing full well what that means. He cannot change. He dropped out of school in the 7th or 8th grade. He is 81 years old. He has good qualities. I don't have to agree with everything he says or even like it. I shrug it off and consider the source for his information or accusations. I chose how I react to him.

I have someone who works for me that is developmentally disabled and has the mental capacity of a 13 year old girl. I give her passes all day long. She is 25 years old. She cannot change. I interact with her and view her as a 13 year old girl, she's worked for me for six years. She lies. She gets boy crazy. Makes bad choices. I do not hold her to the same level of accountability as others on my staff. It wouldn't make sense. She doesn't function at that level. Her life, outside of her job, is 100% harder. She is picked on by strangers on the street, mocked and sometimes taken advantage of. For that alone I will give her a pass. I don't need to kick her ass all day - the minute she leaves the world will do it for her. She suffers from OCD too. She has destroyed things because of it. It's frustrating to deal with for me personally. But I know it is 10x worse for her. Her capacity to understand things is not likely to change. She is capable of learning, but a capacity to truly understand? Not likely.

I have a brain "issue" that at different times can make me loopy. That is the least of what it can do. I am smart. Really smart. I am also quick. I'm hard to fool. I can think clearly much of the time. The problem is in those loopy moments, I don't know I'm loopy. People that love me get it. They are whose opinions matter to me. I will be given a pass, if for no other reason then they are grateful to have me here on this earth. And because when it is happening - I don't know it. I don't have the capacity to recognize it. So someone could get all up in my face and they might as well just keep their blood pressure down. It won't do a damn bit of good. And my "insubordination" is not a reflection of anyone's screaming ability. It has to do with how the world appears to me at that moment which might just be all spinny with multicolored glitter.

There is a difference between pushing someone for their own good - for instance - to walk again with positive cheerleading. Then there is expecting something that someone doesn't have the capacity to give. My mother used a belt to potty train me. I didn't ever hit my kids, but I did tell them to get up if they fell down. No crying. Get back up and keep moving. I regret that. I wish I had hugged them more and demanded less. Oh, I'm sure it helped toughen them up. But now, at 35 I am trying to learn how to be softer. I hope I haven't caused either of them the resentment that I have spent trying to undo towards my own mother for all that screaming, demanding and ridiculous expectations of steel. Sometimes, no matter how tough we are - we all need a pass. A safe place to fall. Understanding and compassion go a lot farther then screaming and yelling and demanding. I make a choice of interacting with the people I do - if I can't handle it - it's simply best if I don't.

My ex has severe mental illnesses. She has done shitty things without as much as a sincere apology. She doesn't have the capacity. I can scream, yell, jump up and down, call her on her shit - hold a gun to her - and she still doesn't have capacity. Does she have a pass? She did. I don't hold people responsible for illnesses like that. I did expect her to go on medication. There were consequences for not doing that. We both live with that every day. I didn't have to raise my voice either. She's not stupid or a bad person. She is sick and very differently abled. I talk to her in the way that does the best good and try to keep in mind that today I am lucky enough to know the difference in a way that she may not - ever. I live in reality. My reality. Not everyone does. Handing out passes doesn't cost me a damn thing. There are plenty of people out there that hold on to them like gold wrapper on a willy wonka bar.