Learning To Live Half-Alive? - Page 2

proximitywithoutintimacy · 02-05-2011, 06:38 PM

I can block her number, but that doesn't prevent her from leaving voicemails. Lame, eh?

ETA: Wait, no, I can't block her number... I need a new phone.

WhiteTigress · 02-05-2011, 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

I can block her number, but that doesn't prevent her from leaving voicemails. Lame, eh?

ETA: Wait, no, I can't block her number... I need a new phone.

Depends on your service provider. If you have Verizon, you can block numbers from your online account.

WT

proximitywithoutintimacy · 02-05-2011, 06:48 PM

I have... t-mobile. With my old phone, I was able to at least block numbers - but with this one, I can't even do that much.

girl_dee · 02-05-2011, 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

I have... t-mobile. With my old phone, I was able to at least block numbers - but with this one, I can't even do that much.

if you see her number pop up, press end call.

If you truly don't want contact, make it happen.

proximitywithoutintimacy · 02-05-2011, 07:06 PM

I will. I just wish I could block her texts, too.

Gah, thanks to everyone for being patient with me... I'm pretty much taking some space away from everyone, including my so-called "best friend" who has been lying to my face about not talking to my ex - she even bought pills from my ex's friend - and told her I made up something which... I didn't... and I just wonder. I wonder what kind of "best friend" would deliberately hurt me like that, when she claims to not even like my ex at all.

I slipped up and told a guy she was talking to that she was seeing someone - and she was - and now she has gotten her revenge. The difference is, I made a mistake and wasn't trying to hurt her. She did this out of spite.

Anyway, I got a nice pep talk from an amazing friend of mine, and I'm so lucky to have her. And all of you... I've never seen people respond so fast like y'all did to me..

The_Lady_Snow · 02-05-2011, 07:09 PM

Girlllllllllll, you need to get chu some new friends, stop hanging with pill poppers and alcoholics, not good..

Random · 02-05-2011, 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

Update: Just got a voicemail from her... saying "we're not leaving until June now... blah blah..."

I'm pretty sure she's drunk, she mentioned something about Jose Cuervo... my goodness... but I still have to cut off contact once again. I won't let her do this, and I told her earlier that I needed time away from her to move on. She wants to go back to being friends, but it's not that easy. I need to move on from her as my lover first, and then maybe someday, we can reclaim our friendship. Someday.

Damn women...

And, I just realised I spelled "learning" without the N... now I feel stupid, haha. Guess I was pretty distraught =/

No contact... period

Tell her that you need time.. (at least six months at the very least) and if she won't respect that time then block her.. block everything and delete her phone number from you phone...

If need be .. burn that bridge and tell her that you will get a restraining order...

You need to be oh so selfish right now... What she wants, needs, desires is not your concern... (I know that is hard) She chose her path and you no longer have any responciblilties twards her...

I've been where you were... One min I'm thinking I'm getting a new ring for christmas and the next min her new girl friend is moving in...

I was broken... That girl was broken beyond repair...

But you know what? The woman who came out that hell is a stronger, wiser, happier and healthier person that that girl ever was...

Take your time putting yourself back together... Take a brutal look at your self... see what your part you played...

The only one who can put yourself back together is you...

proximitywithoutintimacy · 02-05-2011, 07:11 PM

Haha, I know! My friend Shelly is pretty damn wonderful, I think I'll keep her. In the two years I've known her, there's never been drama. It's kind of great.

proximitywithoutintimacy · 02-05-2011, 07:12 PM

Random, thank you...

It's what I need.

All or nothing, right?

Soft*Silver · 02-05-2011, 07:16 PM

"it can't work until we fix our lives."

this statement indicates that you had work to do on yourself. Now is a good time to focus on whatever issues you need to fix. Remove yourself from her issues and get to work on yours....its really easy to distract yourself from fixing yourself when you are always busy trying to fix someone else...

proximitywithoutintimacy · 02-05-2011, 07:25 PM

Wow, softness, you're totally right... that's what I've been saying... can't be in a relationship when you have inner issues to work on - and I do. I guess she hasn't quite realised that, but I have. I just need to take care of myself.

DapperButch · 02-05-2011, 07:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oiler41

Absolutely agree.

Again, absolutely agree.

And agree yet again.

Right now, it does feel like your life is falling apart; however, given some time and likely some professional assistance, you WILL look back on this in a completely different light. Cry, scream, sleep and whatever else you must do to get through the initial shock of it is,,but most importantly, cut off communication with her for a while; likely several months. It is probably the hardest step but if this person cares for you at all, she will leave you be to get started healing and get on with your life. I wish you the best with this difficult journey.

Regards,

Glynn

Excellent advice. Take space and no contact. And if she cares for you when you ask her to not contact you, she will respect that request. If she doesn't, than she is more concerned with her own desires and not respecting what you say you need.

MysticOceansFL · 02-05-2011, 07:35 PM

Also find a MCC church in your area they should also have prayer groups and single groups there who might have gone through with what your dealing with now But I also agree don't cut yourself away from friends and family stay close to them and seek a MCC church.

proximitywithoutintimacy · 02-05-2011, 07:46 PM

Everyone has asked her to leave me alone... she won't give up. It's like, she loves me, but doesn't want to be with me, so tries to hold on... but this time I'm not letting her. I need to grieve and move on, and I can't do it unless she disappears from my life for awhile.

The_Lady_Snow · 02-05-2011, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

Everyone has asked her to leave me alone... she won't give up. It's like, she loves me, but doesn't want to be with me, so tries to hold on... but this time I'm not letting her. I need to grieve and move on, and I can't do it unless she disappears from my life for awhile.

If she keeps harrasing slap a restraining order against her, save texts and emails or voice mails. I think you mentioned she was moving, so this is good so the harrasment stops.

Call the cops

"Didn't know where else to turn, hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes here by starting a new thread, but... I'm broken.

Today, my ex told me she's moving away with her new girlfriend. Leaving the state. With this girl she's only known for a month and a half.

I broke down crying, and she kept asking me to come see her, saying she didn't want to leave like this... but I told her it hurt too much. She said goodbye on the phone, and said she loved me."

I went back to look, let her move, if it's not soon I would file a restraining order, that will get the message across.!!!!

proximitywithoutintimacy · 02-05-2011, 07:52 PM

Nah. I won't sink to her level. Best thing I can do is ignore her, permanently. If I take action like that, she'll just feel more powerful... knowing that she got to me. I'd rather let her think I'm completely done and don't care to give her a second thought.

The_Lady_Snow · 02-05-2011, 07:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

Nah. I won't sink to her level. Best thing I can do is ignore her, permanently. If I take action like that, she'll just feel more powerful... knowing that she got to me. I'd rather let her think I'm completely done and don't care to give her a second thought.

Awesome!!

Cause we have a 2 page thread of nothing but thoughts!!

Way to make the first step!

JustJo · 02-05-2011, 08:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

Everyone has asked her to leave me alone... she won't give up. It's like, she loves me, but doesn't want to be with me, so tries to hold on... but this time I'm not letting her. I need to grieve and move on, and I can't do it unless she disappears from my life for awhile.

Hi Prox...

I think it was softness who said that alcoholics can say they love you, but it isn't what you think it is. I believe that.

The part I highlighted in red speaks very loudly to me.

I had a person in my life for a number of years who was completely toxic. She's not on this site, just for the record. In retrospect, I know that she has some serious issues that she needs to deal with...and to this day I don't know whether it's a substance problem or a mental illness or what...

What I do know is that for several years, she dominated my life...all the time telling me that she loved me, needed me, couldn't function without me. I would drop everything for her...leave important work events to take her calls...talk to her for hours every night...listen to craziness you cannot imagine. I cared about her...and I believed it was mutual.

Reality is that she cared about herself, and the drama she was living inside...and that was all.

We were not lovers...but she also wouldn't leave any space in my life or emotions or psyche for anyone else either. She didn't want to be with me...but she did want me to always be available to her and caught up in her "stuff."

When I started putting limits on her, and setting up some boundaries that were healthy for me...she exploded.

When I persisted with the boundaries...she suddenly announced that she couldn't deal with having me in her life in any way. We never spoke again. We went from constant conversation that she couldn't live without....to nothing.

Just for me, someone who wants to dominate your life and leave you no emotional space to love someone else....but doesn't want to be with you themselves...doesn't really love you. That's control...not love...at least in my view.

You've had good advice here...be with friends, go to an Al-Anon meeting (or a bunch of them), talk to a counselor, take some time just for yourself. Block her calls...and if she still texts...change your phone number.

I wish you luck.

Soft*Silver · 02-05-2011, 08:23 PM

yeah..she is going to hold you hostage. We do that, us alcoholics. We need to hold onto you just in case what we left you for doesnt work out. We always have to have a way back in...

you really want this? I can sit here and be your interpreter all night long. I speak Sick real good. .... Its my native language...

Quote:

Originally Posted by proximitywithoutintimacy

Everyone has asked her to leave me alone... she won't give up. It's like, she loves me, but doesn't want to be with me, so tries to hold on... but this time I'm not letting her. I need to grieve and move on, and I can't do it unless she disappears from my life for awhile.

adorable · 02-05-2011, 08:57 PM

I have been there. Everyone has...the advice you have gotten so far is good. Being in love with who you thought the person was is far different then being in love with the actual person sometimes.

I was in love with who I thought my ex was. Who she actually was a person who could cheat, lie, break my shit and cause immense amounts of pain to get what she wanted.

Now, as she was doing all these things (after we had been together for 8 years) I was a MESS and in my fog of trying to rationalize what had suddenly become of my life I would make excuses for her. All kinds. She does have a serious mental illness which she chose not to treat. I justified her behavior for a long time. I cried. I had hysterical fits of anger and frustration. And I stayed IN it. I actually held out until SHE walked out the door. It took another two years for me to stop all contact with her.

I told myself all kinds of stuff to justify staying with her. She didn't mean it. It wouldn't happen again. She really loved me she just didn't know how. blah, blah, fucking blah....The truth was - she was an asshole. When you love someone you ACT like it. It's a verb. One person can't sustain a relationship for two people.

The emotional, financial and mental upheaval that I've gone through over her I could have avoided if I had cut off the contact WAY WAY WAY earlier. I didn't. I paid the price. It wasn't necessary.

I am 10,000 times happier without her in my life. I moved on. FINALLY. My life is better, because I actually have one that doesn't revolve around her bullshit drama. I have love now. Things are calm and make sense in a way that they never could with her. My current relationship is easy and LOVING.

Two things that I held on to from all the advice I got "Never make someone a priority that you are just an option to." and "The problem with liars is you never know when they're telling the truth."

02-05-2011, 07:09 PM	#26
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,081 Times in 15,669 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	Girlllllllllll, you need to get chu some new friends, stop hanging with pill poppers and alcoholics, not good.. __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

02-05-2011, 07:16 PM	#30
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,908 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	just saying... "it can't work until we fix our lives." this statement indicates that you had work to do on yourself. Now is a good time to focus on whatever issues you need to fix. Remove yourself from her issues and get to work on yours....its really easy to distract yourself from fixing yourself when you are always busy trying to fix someone else... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

02-05-2011, 07:35 PM	#33
MysticOceansFL Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Preferred Pronoun?: People call me by my nic name. Relationship Status: Not Single, Not Desperate. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Florida Posts: 3,833 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,645 Thanked 4,033 Times in 1,720 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Also find a MCC church in your area they should also have prayer groups and single groups there who might have gone through with what your dealing with now But I also agree don't cut yourself away from friends and family stay close to them and seek a MCC church. __________________ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. It is said, " Some lives are linked across time..... Connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages "......

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02-05-2011, 06:38 PM	#21
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	I can block her number, but that doesn't prevent her from leaving voicemails. Lame, eh? ETA: Wait, no, I can't block her number... I need a new phone.

02-05-2011, 06:48 PM	#23
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	I have... t-mobile. With my old phone, I was able to at least block numbers - but with this one, I can't even do that much.

02-05-2011, 07:06 PM	#25
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	I will. I just wish I could block her texts, too. Gah, thanks to everyone for being patient with me... I'm pretty much taking some space away from everyone, including my so-called "best friend" who has been lying to my face about not talking to my ex - she even bought pills from my ex's friend - and told her I made up something which... I didn't... and I just wonder. I wonder what kind of "best friend" would deliberately hurt me like that, when she claims to not even like my ex at all. I slipped up and told a guy she was talking to that she was seeing someone - and she was - and now she has gotten her revenge. The difference is, I made a mistake and wasn't trying to hurt her. She did this out of spite. Anyway, I got a nice pep talk from an amazing friend of mine, and I'm so lucky to have her. And all of you... I've never seen people respond so fast like y'all did to me..

02-05-2011, 07:11 PM	#28
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	Haha, I know! My friend Shelly is pretty damn wonderful, I think I'll keep her. In the two years I've known her, there's never been drama. It's kind of great.

02-05-2011, 07:12 PM	#29
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	Random, thank you... It's what I need. All or nothing, right?

02-05-2011, 07:25 PM	#31
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	Wow, softness, you're totally right... that's what I've been saying... can't be in a relationship when you have inner issues to work on - and I do. I guess she hasn't quite realised that, but I have. I just need to take care of myself.

02-05-2011, 07:46 PM	#34
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	Everyone has asked her to leave me alone... she won't give up. It's like, she loves me, but doesn't want to be with me, so tries to hold on... but this time I'm not letting her. I need to grieve and move on, and I can't do it unless she disappears from my life for awhile.

02-05-2011, 07:52 PM	#36
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	Nah. I won't sink to her level. Best thing I can do is ignore her, permanently. If I take action like that, she'll just feel more powerful... knowing that she got to me. I'd rather let her think I'm completely done and don't care to give her a second thought.

02-05-2011, 08:57 PM	#40
adorable Member How Do You Identify?: Sarcastically Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Home of the Yankee's Posts: 752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,708 Thanked 2,644 Times in 590 Posts Rep Power: 12725119	I have been there. Everyone has...the advice you have gotten so far is good. Being in love with who you thought the person was is far different then being in love with the actual person sometimes. I was in love with who I thought my ex was. Who she actually was a person who could cheat, lie, break my shit and cause immense amounts of pain to get what she wanted. Now, as she was doing all these things (after we had been together for 8 years) I was a MESS and in my fog of trying to rationalize what had suddenly become of my life I would make excuses for her. All kinds. She does have a serious mental illness which she chose not to treat. I justified her behavior for a long time. I cried. I had hysterical fits of anger and frustration. And I stayed IN it. I actually held out until SHE walked out the door. It took another two years for me to stop all contact with her. I told myself all kinds of stuff to justify staying with her. She didn't mean it. It wouldn't happen again. She really loved me she just didn't know how. blah, blah, fucking blah....The truth was - she was an asshole. When you love someone you ACT like it. It's a verb. One person can't sustain a relationship for two people. The emotional, financial and mental upheaval that I've gone through over her I could have avoided if I had cut off the contact WAY WAY WAY earlier. I didn't. I paid the price. It wasn't necessary. I am 10,000 times happier without her in my life. I moved on. FINALLY. My life is better, because I actually have one that doesn't revolve around her bullshit drama. I have love now. Things are calm and make sense in a way that they never could with her. My current relationship is easy and LOVING. Two things that I held on to from all the advice I got "Never make someone a priority that you are just an option to." and "The problem with liars is you never know when they're telling the truth."