FTM's Attracted to Femmes

[veryfemme]

I love that you said that about the balancing of energy because that is so key to me is finding that balance between my extreme feminine side their masculine side.

Originally Posted by Ebon

Never too girly. The girlier the better like Bo said. I like someone that will balance out my masculine energy with their feminine energy. A friend of mine got cornered once in a lesbian bar because she's femme. They assumed that she was straight. I thought it was very narrow minded of them. For a long time I didn't realize I could have a girlfriend that was femme, hell I didn't even know what it was. A friend of mine said to me that I liked straight girls so I thought I did, until I found the butch-femme community and realized that I just liked femmes.

Before anyone starts a lesson on gendernomics I realize that straight girls can also be butch and femme girls can be straight etc and so on....

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by Electrocell

Ladies maybe it is not because you are a girly girl or to femme for them , it's because they might think you are a high maintenance femme whether you are or not. They just might be saying that you are too femme instead of coming out and saying you would cost me alot of money .Not saying this to be nasty but alot of guys automatically think this way if they think you will need alot of things to keep you happy.

Or maybe they really ARE just saying "you're too femme" because they aren't attracted to femmes, or hyper feminine women, or femininity at all. Some people really ARE just attracted to certain looks or personalities. Granted, there is a better way to say it, but not everyone is diplomatic. If someone said to me "I don't like brunettes", I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

[1ladyface]

Originally Posted by sanee66

Honestly, and for us femmes that are interested, we cant get anyone to take notice.

Sanee, thanks for this. I pass as straight...always. And I'm not really into rainbows or triangles so I'm only visible as queer in queer spaces, and even then only if I have my hand in the back pocket of a lovers carharts.

But I think there have to be some other indicators that other queer folk can pick up on, if they're looking. These are the first few that come to mind:

1. vintage styleyness
2. artsy/creative/alternative looks (stuff that clearly isn't from the mall)
3. really red lipstick
4. being overdressed
5. rejecting cisdudes (gently of course)

What do you all think? And what are some of your femme spotting tricks?

And, if i were to ever get up the courage to approach a stranger i was reasonably confident was FTM...how do you guys like to be hit on?

So far i've only ever handed boifolk a note with my phone number. And that's worked but it would be nice to actually connect in that moment rather than getting a text later.

[Quintease]

My Gaydar is excellent! Even now that I'm not in gay clubs so much.

Recently, I was walking down my street (which is pretty gay so you'd expect to see a few lesbians) and a saw a woman. A pretty ordinary woman, long hair, handbag, clothes.. but my eyes grabbed her and said 'Look at that woman'. So I looked and wondered why I was looking, right up until she approached a masculine-looking woman and smiled a shy smile. 'Yay!', I thought 'I can still pick 'em!'.

I did watch for a few more moments just to make sure and yes, they were certainly not just friends.

..just wanted to brag

[blush]

Originally Posted by 1ladyface

Sanee, thanks for this. I pass as straight...always. And I'm not really into rainbows or triangles so I'm only visible as queer in queer spaces, and even then only if I have my hand in the back pocket of a lovers carharts.

But I think there have to be some other indicators that other queer folk can pick up on, if they're looking. These are the first few that come to mind:

1. vintage styleyness
2. artsy/creative/alternative looks (stuff that clearly isn't from the mall)
3. really red lipstick
4. being overdressed
5. rejecting cisdudes (gently of course)

What do you all think? And what are some of your femme spotting tricks?

And, if i were to ever get up the courage to approach a stranger i was reasonably confident was FTM...how do you guys like to be hit on?

So far i've only ever handed boifolk a note with my phone number. And that's worked but it would be nice to actually connect in that moment rather than getting a text later.

Why are these indicators of a femme?

[The_Lady_Snow]

I gotta be real and say I own nothing vintage, I'm not artsy hell I can't draw a straight line and I'm not sure what over dressed is unless you mean layering...

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by 1ladyface

Sanee, thanks for this. I pass as straight...always. And I'm not really into rainbows or triangles so I'm only visible as queer in queer spaces, and even then only if I have my hand in the back pocket of a lovers carharts.

But I think there have to be some other indicators that other queer folk can pick up on, if they're looking. These are the first few that come to mind:

1. vintage styleyness
2. artsy/creative/alternative looks (stuff that clearly isn't from the mall)
3. really red lipstick
4. being overdressed
5. rejecting cisdudes (gently of course)

What do you all think? And what are some of your femme spotting tricks?

And, if i were to ever get up the courage to approach a stranger i was reasonably confident was FTM...how do you guys like to be hit on?

So far i've only ever handed boifolk a note with my phone number. And that's worked but it would be nice to actually connect in that moment rather than getting a text later.

Were you using these indicators for yourself or were you saying for femmes in general?

I'm confused.

[apretty]

Originally Posted by 1ladyface

1. vintage styleyness
2. artsy/creative/alternative looks (stuff that clearly isn't from the mall)
3. really red lipstick
.
5. rejecting cisdudes (gently of course)

These attributes describe my straightest friend. She also does Burlesque and is beautiful, mid-40s and has an amazing, much-adored and full, shapely ass (*And if you're in SF she'll wax your naughty bits!).

[Ebon]

ANNNDDDDD here comes the lesson in gendernomics....*gets a pen and paper to see what the real femmes have to say.*

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Ebon

ANNNDDDDD here comes the lesson in gendernomics....*gets a pen and paper to see what the real femmes have to say.*

Ahh see there is no what makes a Femme "real" we just "are" lipstick or no lipstick..

[sanee66]

Originally Posted by Julien

I thought I would stop by and see what's going on in this thread and introduce myself. I'm Julien and hello to one and all. I hope you are having a great evening.

hello Julien, nice to meet you!!

[Martina]

Originally Posted by 1ladyface

1. vintage styleyness
2. artsy/creative/alternative looks (stuff that clearly isn't from the mall)
3. really red lipstick
4. being overdressed
5. rejecting cisdudes (gently of course)

There are a lot of femmes like this. Femme theory used to talk about this as our type, as if we are more performative in our femininity than other women. i disagree that most femmes are like this. i certainly am not. i also disagree that femmes perform femininity in ways that are that different from some straight women. There are some awesome straight women who perform femininity in transgressive ways. Anyway, i know what you are talking about, and i agree it is based in some reality. But i resist the stereotype.

[ruffryder]

Originally Posted by 1ladyface

What do you all think? And what are some of your femme spotting tricks?

And, if i were to ever get up the courage to approach a stranger i was reasonably confident was FTM...how do you guys like to be hit on?

So far i've only ever handed boifolk a note with my phone number. And that's worked but it would be nice to actually connect in that moment rather than getting a text later.

I'm clueless! LOL I don't know until I'm hit with a 2x4. As for approaching, please do and just say hi and talk about everyday things. Thank you!

[veryfemme]

Most femmes would ruffy but for femmes like me who look 100% straight it's not even easy to be approached or talked to by another butch let alone FTMs.

Originally Posted by ruffryder

I'm clueless! LOL I don't know until I'm hit with a 2x4. As for approaching, please do and just say hi and talk about everyday things. Thank you!

[ruffryder]

Great thread! I think this will bring awareness. . and I am agreeing with you. So why not let it be known you are interested if they are not sure about your interest? One will never know unless there is someone who initiates. My last g/f I was in a relationship with for 5 years is straight and she let it be known to me she was interested!

[veryfemme]

Call me old school but I like to be approached, not necessarily approach someone. It's part of my femininity I guess. Does make it hard but if I want something or someone bad enough I'll be more forward

[blush]

It's not my job to "look femme" or roll around in a stereotype of femme to make myself more noticeable. This is femme invisibility at its finest when our community is too lazy to delve past the "too straight" stereotype to see femmes.

Imagine a world where butches and ftms had to wear indicators in order to be recognized.

[atomiczombie]

Something I have learned is there are as many ways to be/look Femme as there are Femmes. You can't make assumptions based on something as superficial as how someone looks. You have to get to know her. It's in her energy and way of being in the world more than anything.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by ButchEire

Too femme? That's funny. When did such a ridiculous boundary develop?

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

Frankly I don't understand why people get so offended when they find out someone isn't attracted to them. I don't/won't slam anyone for their preferences. It isn't my place to judge them. Someone who says someone is "too butch" or "too femme" is really just saying "I am interested in X" or "I fit best with X", but of course, it could be said in a gentler way.

I think the majority of people are attracted to a particular segment, or segments on the gender spectrum. It's less common for people to be attracted to every single possible gender /gender ID.

If someone doesn't like you, or your apprearance, or your eye color, or your clothes... just move on. It really IS that simple.

I hope that ButchEire comes back to clarify, but I really think that hy was being tongue in cheek while trying to be supportive of the OP who was sadly lamenting the fact that she struggles with finding a FTM who is interested in femmes. I personally didn't see the OP as being offended by it, rather she is just saying she wished she could find this type of FTM.

Originally Posted by Electrocell

Ladies maybe it is not because you are a girly girl or to femme for them , it's because they might think you are a high maintenance femme whether you are or not. They just might be saying that you are too femme instead of coming out and saying you would cost me alot of money .Not saying this to be nasty but alot of guys automatically think this way if they think you will need alot of things to keep you happy.

The OP indicated that she was talking about FTMs preferring other masculine defining people rather than femmes. She didn't say anything about about high femmes, or femmy femmes, or whatever...just "femmes women".

As an aside, I have never thought of what you describe as a "girly girl" as automatically being a "high maintenance femme" or one who spends a lot of money on her outside self or would expect me to spend that on her. Being on the extreme end of "feminine" (society's definition based on external presentation) doesn't equate to this. Women do their own nails, dye their own hair, etc (the accoutrements of "girly girl"). I am actually surprised by your statement, as I personally haven't heard other masculine identified people say this before?

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Martina

There are a lot of femmes like this. Femme theory used to talk about this as our type, as if we are more performative in our femininity than other women. i disagree that most femmes are like this. i certainly am not. i also disagree that femmes perform femininity in ways that are that different from some straight women. There are some awesome straight women who perform femininity in transgressive ways. Anyway, i know what you are talking about, and i agree it is based in some reality. But i resist the stereotype.

I just wanted to highlight this post. I concur with all of it!