PTSD and Trauma recovery

[WingsOnFire]

Originally Posted by DamonK

I have several issues rleated to previous trauma.

I loathe crowds. Although I'm excited, the thought of going to the Reunion makes my blood run cold and makes me want to hide under a table or something. I know my dislike of crowds is associated with lowered self esteem due to...issues in the past, as well as my deafness.

I have horrible nightmares. I've had the same one for almost a year now. No amount of reassurance calms me for the next day afterwards, and I will hear the sounds of the dream for a week.

I used to SI. The last time I did that was a little over a year ago, and for a few hours, that time, it was thought that I'd broken my hand.

I used to be a drug addict. I was a pill popper. My favorite pill was xanax when I could get it. Ritalin was a close second. Either of those combined with pot was awesome.

I used to drink. A lot. I used to go to work drunk. One day I scared myself.


So, sometimes I wonder, with all I've faced, how I came out on the other side? I'm still marked. I'm still scarred. For me, it's the knowledge of all I've survived through. Someone once told me, "You beat impossible odds to become a responsible, caring person."

Maybe I didn't experience the physical abuse. Maybe there was never a mark on my body from what happened to me. I learned to loathe myself. For years, I wouldn't look in a mirror.

Now, I can look in a mirror. And I don't loathe myself any longer.

Your night terrors have become much less pro dominant in the past year. However I know you try to protect me from seeing them so sometimes I dont even know you have had one.

I am so proud of you and I know that you are working hard to work through self loathing. You have no reason to feel that way about yourself but I understand why you do.

I love you fiercely and I am so proud of the progress you have made. I am proud to know that on Monday we will celebrate our first anniversary. I am proud to be loved by such a wonderful and amazing guy.

[Andrew, Jr.]

This afternoon I received a phone call from my bio-mother. I am just shocked, horrified, and all the other words you can lump in there. For the most part I tend to ignore my bio-parents at all costs. I talk to them briefly, and see them maybe once a year (if at all). They have ignored me, and now that they are elderly...it seems that they are needy of me. No. I just cannot do that. It is like for years and years they made a point of it to ignore my birthday, holidays, and everything else going on in my life. And now that they realize that they are knocking the door to the other side - it just dawned on them that they need to fix the damage that they have caused. I say no to that, and walk away. I am just way too bitter.

Yes, I am a forgiving man. I am very forgiving. In fact, I can and have turned the cheek to help them out, drive them to doctor appointments, the grocery store, shopping, and so on. However when they cross the line of belittling me, Rosie, my healthcare issues, and insulting everything about me, no. I have to just draw the line and say no. It's abuse, and I am stopping it dead in it's tracks. That is just nuts. No doubt about it. All I can do is pray for them.

No matter what I do or say, nothing changes with my parents and their behavior. They need to get a grip on life and living honestly. I am so disappointed and let down by them.

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

This afternoon I received a phone call from my bio-mother. I am just shocked, horrified, and all the other words you can lump in there. For the most part I tend to ignore my bio-parents at all costs. I talk to them briefly, and see them maybe once a year (if at all). They have ignored me, and now that they are elderly...it seems that they are needy of me. No. I just cannot do that. It is like for years and years they made a point of it to ignore my birthday, holidays, and everything else going on in my life. And now that they realize that they are knocking the door to the other side - it just dawned on them that they need to fix the damage that they have caused. I say no to that, and walk away. I am just way too bitter.

Yes, I am a forgiving man. I am very forgiving. In fact, I can and have turned the cheek to help them out, drive them to doctor appointments, the grocery store, shopping, and so on. However when they cross the line of belittling me, Rosie, my healthcare issues, and insulting everything about me, no. I have to just draw the line and say no. It's abuse, and I am stopping it dead in it's tracks. That is just nuts. No doubt about it. All I can do is pray for them.

No matter what I do or say, nothing changes with my parents and their behavior. They need to get a grip on life and living honestly. I am so disappointed and let down by them.

Andrew,
You and I have a similiar situation. As I have said, I grew up with an abusive, narsicistic, authoritarian, alcoholic dad. In his entire lifetime I avoided him and never forgave him. It was the only empowerment I had with him until he died.

Somethings we heal from; others we shield ourselves from to survive. Do that which is better for you.

[Andrew, Jr.]

FF,

I think & believe you are so right. Thank you. Today just he, my father, set me off. Big time. I haven't felt so much rage in such a long time, and it really was strange. I am very very peaceful. I practice peace. I talk of peace. And yet today...I let myself down. I just am not myself because of my father. He finds enjoyment in my rage.