Sexual Abuse: Coping, Recovery and Survival

[Kätzchen]

Does anyone mind if a new member wanders in on the ongoing conversation here?

Some of you might know me here - others might not.... and I've written some about my past history with sexual abuse. I'll try to not repeat myself tonight, but I wanted to come here and write a bit about my experience.

*It's complicated*

I have a love/hate relationship with my family... because my father and my eldest brother were my sexual perpetrators - in the beginning - and later on, as I grew up to be the young woman that I was (and still am to a certain degree), I discovered that my mother was complicit throughout the whole process - it was "tit for tat" like mental game that pervaded in my family life.

It's complicated because ... on one hand my abusers violated me; and on the other hand my abusers taught me everthing that I know - it's strange/wierd to me that, even after much therapy over the past years, persons capable of committing such treacherous behaviors against another human being, could be loved at all.

I loved my father. I was daddy's girl. I looked up to my eldest brother too - but that all ended when sets of abuse were exacted against me - repeatedly - randomly - no holds barred "war" and I never knew when the next assault would happen.

My father was a service man - his whole family served in the military. He served in the Navy - while some of his brothers and sisters served in other branches of service. My father's twin brother took his life (he and his wife were childless by choice) - and in what I think is the flip side of his twin brothers' situation, my father was always trying to take my life from me. Repeatedly. Over and over again. He even socialized and taught my brother the finer art of doing it because if he didn't - I'm pretty sure my eldest brother might not be around. He is, but he has own hell to live in.

Anyway, the reason that drew me to write about it tonight was because I was just watching a video clip and something occurred to me (because the man in the clip lived through catastrophic war scenarios during WW2) about how he was being memorialized for not giving up.

My father was rigid man. Our household family dynamics are classified as "Protective" - that's a specialized term in Human Communication processes. We didn't have open communication- it wasn't allowed. But somehow, the potent mixture/combination of dynamics in our family served me well because I never just took it. I always fought with my abusers. I know that (in my case) my will to not be treated like that, saved my life.

I know that my experience is not unique at all.... I used to attend a private group and most of us who attended in this group all shared similar stories.

I know that what saved my life was my sheer will to not give up and to fight back and simultaneously walk away.... sometimes, I ran for hours on adrenaline surges, just to get away.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share a bit tonight.
~ALK

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

Does anyone mind if a new member wanders in on the ongoing conversation here?

Some of you might know me here - others might not.... and I've written some about my past history with sexual abuse. I'll try to not repeat myself tonight, but I wanted to come here and write a bit about my experience.

*It's complicated*

I have a love/hate relationship with my family... because my father and my eldest brother were my sexual perpetrators - in the beginning - and later on, as I grew up to be the young woman that I was (and still am to a certain degree), I discovered that my mother was complicit throughout the whole process - it was "tit for tat" like mental game that pervaded in my family life.

It's complicated because ... on one hand my abusers violated me; and on the other hand my abusers taught me everthing that I know - it's strange/wierd to me that, even after much therapy over the past years, persons capable of committing such treacherous behaviors against another human being, could be loved at all.

I loved my father. I was daddy's girl. I looked up to my eldest brother too - but that all ended when sets of abuse were exacted against me - repeatedly - randomly - no holds barred "war" and I never knew when the next assault would happen.

My father was a service man - his whole family served in the military. He served in the Navy - while some of his brothers and sisters served in other branches of service. My father's twin brother took his life (he and his wife were childless by choice) - and in what I think is the flip side of his twin brothers' situation, my father was always trying to take my life from me. Repeatedly. Over and over again. He even socialized and taught my brother the finer art of doing it because if he didn't - I'm pretty sure my eldest brother might not be around. He is, but he has own hell to live in.

Anyway, the reason that drew me to write about it tonight was because I was just watching a video clip and something occurred to me (because the man in the clip lived through catastrophic war scenarios during WW2) about how he was being memorialized for not giving up.

My father was rigid man. Our household family dynamics are classified as "Protective" - that's a specialized term in Human Communication processes. We didn't have open communication- it wasn't allowed. But somehow, the potent mixture/combination of dynamics in our family served me well because I never just took it. I always fought with my abusers. I know that (in my case) my will to not be treated like that, saved my life.

I know that my experience is not unique at all.... I used to attend a private group and most of us who attended in this group all shared similar stories.

I know that what saved my life was my sheer will to not give up and to fight back and simultaneously walk away.... sometimes, I ran for hours on adrenaline surges, just to get away.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share a bit tonight.
~ALK

I know my post was posted years ago, but what happened to me in my growing up years has always played a big role in my pursuit of not letting past sexual abuse rule my life.

It's not like I can ever forget. It's also important for me too, to remember that what happened to me has been an integral part in how I process hurts in my life.

While letting go of the pain it has caused me, I also mindfully remember that I am strong and that I chose to care about me, at any very early age in life.

Being my own protector and believing in my own self worth, and trusting myself, has been an important years long effort in my own personal recovery.

[Signmypapyrus]

Bump

I’m about to spend time with my family, and thankfully I won’t see my assailant, but seeing my family always comes with its problems.

A slightly older female relative began molesting me when I was about three. Then when I was eight, a friend spent the night and touched me inappropriately. I don’t fault these girls because I believe they were molested as well.

I told when I was ten and got into therapy, although I struggled with PTSD, depression, and suicide ideation most of my life until my twenties.

When I was twenty, a guy raped me and none of my relationships have been... healthy. It’s the main reason I don’t date. I need someone so patient, and while I think that person is out there, I’m in no rush.

I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was ten, consistently for the past seven years. I’ve primarily done CBT and hypnotherapy. I still struggle with things— I have pretty bad anxiety, especially around people I don’t know— but at the same time many people have described me as badass, terrifying, etc. Sometimes this is a defense mechanism, other times it’s because I’ve had a childhood equatable to Dorothy Allison and what am I going to do? Sit around and cry about it? No.

My heart is definitely for kids who have had traumatic childhoods, who are lost in a system not geared toward them. Many teachers, myself included, are not equipped to handle these kids, but I have some things up my sleeves.

Thanks for this thread!!

[girl_dee]

i’ve avoided this thread, but i’ve been reading it today.

BIG hugs and kudos who have spoken out.

Not speaking out feels guilt and shame, and speaking out makes it feel too raw.

Thanks you for sharing your stories

[JDeere]

I did not have this happen to me but 2 females very close to me have suffered severe sexual abuse.

IF anyone is willing to help me to understand them, please let me know,it's killing our relationships because I don't understand or they won't truly talk about it with me to help me understand.

TIA

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by JDeere

I did not have this happen to me but 2 females very close to me have suffered severe sexual abuse.

IF anyone is willing to help me to understand them, please let me know,it's killing our relationships because I don't understand or they won't truly talk about it with me to help me understand.

TIA

Here's a list of organizations that may help. Check in your community for organizations or groups for loved ones of the abused.

First and foremost, don't push. You push them, they will either push back or withdraw and then you're back behind the starting point and they feel betrayed. Learn to accept their truth as it is and don't try to 'fix' anything. Someone that listens and tries to understand without judgment is the best thing for someone hurting. It's not about you, how you feel or how it affects your relationship with them. It's about them and how you and your relationship affect them. It takes a very special person to be able to stand with someone coping with abuse because it can feel very unbalanced. You have to be okay with that until they are ready to address their issues and move forward. The old adage 'you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink' is very true. They have to be ready to walk through their pain and it's good when they have someone that can support them as they do it, but not put undo pressure on them to go faster than they are comfortable with or pressure to conform to their partner's vision of what the relationship should be or pressure to dive deeper into the ocean of pain than what they are ready for. It's a hard place to be. Good luck.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Here's a list of organizations that may help. Check in your community for organizations or groups for loved ones of the abused.

First and foremost, don't push. You push them, they will either push back or withdraw and then you're back behind the starting point and they feel betrayed. Learn to accept their truth as it is and don't try to 'fix' anything. Someone that listens and tries to understand without judgment is the best thing for someone hurting. It's not about you, how you feel or how it affects your relationship with them. It's about them and how you and your relationship affect them. It takes a very special person to be able to stand with someone coping with abuse because it can feel very unbalanced. You have to be okay with that until they are ready to address their issues and move forward. The old adage 'you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink' is very true. They have to be ready to walk through their pain and it's good when they have someone that can support them as they do it, but not put undo pressure on them to go faster than they are comfortable with or pressure to conform to their partner's vision of what the relationship should be or pressure to dive deeper into the ocean of pain than what they are ready for. It's a hard place to be. Good luck.

TY much Gemme, greatly appreciated! Will check the link that you posted, right now!