Sexual Abuse: Coping, Recovery and Survival

[JinxdGirl]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means. Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act?

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

NotAnAverageGuy,

Just listen. Trust me - that is best thing you can do. I am a survivor. I know first hand that it is a gift you can give to someone is to sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes that is what they just need to do. Do not act surprised. Do not belittle the person at all. Go with the flow of the conversation.

Namaste,
Andrew

Originally Posted by Gemme

Andrew is right. The best thing you can do for your friend now is to do what you've been doing, listening to him/her. Guilt is a very common emotion associated with abuse. Very often, you'll hear adult abusers saying, "S/he made me do it. If s/he didn't look so sexy or like s/he wanted it, I wouldn't have done it." Blame is frequently placed upon the victim, whether by the victim, the abuser or both. You can consistently, gently remind him/her that it's not his/her fault. I might suggest s/he talk to a counselor. If s/he balks, offer to go with him/her.

Having a trusted person to listen when I need to vent or 'talk out loud' has been priceless and probably the most effective method I've used to cope with past abuse. It may seem as if you are not doing anything productive, but abuse is more psychological than physical, in my experience. Just providing a safe environment is a tremendous help to your friend.

Originally Posted by always2late

I agree with the postings above that one of the best ways to help a friend who has been abused is to listen. One of the components of abuse is secrecy. Victims are coerced or threatened not to speak. They are made to feel guilty and that feeling of guilt is compounded by remaining silent. Sometimes all a person needs is a kind, nonjudgemental ear. The very act of being able to speak of the abuse without fear of judgement or recrimination can be cleansing.

The only thing I would add to these suggestions, which are wonderful, is to never dig for details. If/when your friend shares the details, breathe deeply and try not to flinch. We have learned to read faces as a way of survival. Often we will stop speaking if we think we've said too much. It's not easy, but it is something I suggest to friends and loved ones of survivors wanting to know how best to support the person in their lives.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by JinxdGirl

The only thing I would add to these suggestions, which are wonderful, is to never dig for details. If/when your friend shares the details, breathe deeply and try not to flinch. We have learned to read faces as a way of survival. Often we will stop speaking if we think we've said too much. It's not easy, but it is something I suggest to friends and loved ones of survivors wanting to know how best to support the person in their lives.

This is absolutely true.

[JinxdGirl]

I am a survivor. This is my story, or at least part of it.

Running to my parents' room, age 3, the thunder scared me. My father pulled me into the bed, I expected comforting, he slid his hand in my panties.

Happy 9th Birthday, he steals my virginity and my hope.

I'm 10 and begin cutting myself. The relief is unexplainable.

I'm 12 and in a house alone with my father and brother-in-law. Most of my siblings (his children) are much older; married with their own children. I learn all about sharing and I feel myself breaking from the inside out.

Still 12, I am awakened by sounds of my sister (5 years older than me) screaming. He is strangling her. Holding her by the throat against the wall and forcing himself upon her. I run, barefoot in my nightgown, to the convenience store 3 blocks away and call the police. My sister is sent away, nothing happens to him. My sister later tells me she hates me for being born. Had I not been born he would not be in her life. She is wrong, but I won't have the strength to tell her this for nearly 20 years.

I'm 13 and the state of Texas has finally gotten involved after my second suicide attempt. The caseworker gives my mother a choice "your husband or your child", she sends me to Georgia to live with her sister whom I don't know. After a month I am back in Texas and told to never tell anyone that my father still lives in the same house as me. I also spend 29 days in a locked ward for adolescents, I feel safe for the first time.

I'm 15, mom rents an apartment. She lives with my father, I live alone in an apartment. She pays the bills and I keep her secrets. It's the life I've been conditioned to accept.

I'm 18 and without a place to live, stay with mom and him. He rapes me for the last time. I hold a knife to his throat and tell him that if he ever so much as brushes against me I will kill him and get away with it.

I'm 21, he dies. I don't cry. He suddenly becomes a saint and I am finally, officially disowned by everyone except my mother. I wish that she was included.

I'm 31, I still have some contact with my mother. I try to cope. I go to therapy and take medication to help with the flashbacks. I have survived. I am surviving. I am reclaiming what was taken and leaving as much as I can in the past.

I wish now only to be heard by the family I was born into. Just hear me and maybe, finally, realize I was deserving of love. I was deserving of much better than I received. I do not hate them, but I have ceased to care about them. Their rejection no longer hurts my soul.

I'm learning, dealing, growing. They will not win. I will live and live well. No one can take that from me.

[Gemme]

I'm not sure what happened, but I apologize for not responding to your post Jinxd. Most likely, I got tied up in my own personal drama.

That's a heavy burden to bear. I'm glad you have been able to extract yourself from most of the family and most of that toxicity. I have never been able to understand someone not working to protect a child in danger or the value of secrecy and prolonging abuse. It teaches children to be shame hoarders and predators that there is little to no consequences for their actions.

I'm very firm in my stance that if you put a hand on a child in an abusive manner, you should draw back a nub. Same thing with a penis. My own version of an eye for an eye, I guess.

Thank you for sharing.

[Bubala]

This woman started discussion on sexual assault under hashtag #notokay and within only 13 hours got over 1 million tweets back! *sad*

https://mic.com/articles/156250/afte...af5#.dY3FVrdLS

Calling sexual assault "locker room banter" or "a distraction" is textbook definition of rape culture in action. Women know this #NotOkay