The Psychology of Online Dating

[2qt]

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

A long time ago I would have said yes to all of the above...... However over the years I have learnt some valuable lessons & now I am at.......Those who I bring into my personal circle of life.... I absolutely love unconditionally... I am just selective on who I let into that circle in the 1st place... It's a self protection boundary...

If I am hurt by someone I have let in, I find it difficult to connect to them in the same light as I did before & sometimes I do find forgiveness but I love them with a sense of caution if that makes sense? If they deliberately hurt me again I remove them from my life... So in a sense... I guess I do have some conditions on love which I am working on some of those factors.... (How much I am willing to tolerate in my life has a boundary & I find boundaries healthy)

Indiscriminately.... I like to think yes, I love peoples uniqueness & believe everyone has something different they bring to the table & there for I love each of them differently for different reasons.... But like everything... I am selective of who I let into that circle because my personal safe boundary is there for a reason & have learnt over the years that whilst your intentions are good... Not everyone else has that same intention.....

Selflessly..... No... I did once & it drained the life out of me for many years, by loving someone so selflessly I forgot who I was, I forgot how to be me & enjoy being me.... I was mentally & physically exhausted which is not healthy for any person to be involved with romantically or friendly... When I am in love with someone I love them, but I don't compromise myself anymore... Because I matter too & it's taken me a long time to say those 4 words...

I guess boundaries are what always come into play for me... We all have humanity etc but I also think not compromising what makes you healthy & happy should be priority as well...

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by Lyte

I do differentiate humans' capacity for love from the capacity of a higher power to love.

This part of your post really struck me. I'm just bouncing off that because my idea here might not be quite what you were referring to, but I did like your post.

I think as a human being I have both a limited capacity and an unlimited capacity to love. My limits are I only have so much energy, time, strength, courage, etc. and there are also the healthy boundaries several people have discussed.

Where the unlimited capacity comes in is I have loved a few people in my life where I did feel my love continue to grow and grow. You think you love someone as much as you possibly can and then the next day you love them even more. Not from some crazy frentic ‌infautation, or because you had great sex the night before or the person did something amazing for you, but just from having that close connection that much longer. To me that is an amazing and beautiful thing. I think a similar thing can happen with loving yourself, loving family, friends or other non-romantic forms of love, loving your art or vocation or calling.

So I do think as humans we do have limits to our love and boundaries that are critical, but we also have the unlimited capacity to love when the conditions are right, and that is one of the most amazing qualities that humans have.

[Lyte]

This part of your post really struck me... back!

The "...when the conditions are right..." is what makes me say I don't believe human beings are capable of ... unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly love. And it's true for me too! And it's what I hope is true for my particular higher power.

I use the HP term just because not everyone believes the same one.

Originally Posted by BullDog

So I do think as humans we do have limits to our love and boundaries that are critical, but we also have the unlimited capacity to love when the conditions are right, and that is one of the most amazing qualities that humans have.

[Lyte]

Opps... my BFP proofreader just advised me...

And it's what I hope is not true for my particular higher power.

Originally Posted by Lyte

The "...when the conditions are right..." is what makes me say I don't believe human beings are capable of ... unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly love. And it's true for me too! And it's what I hope is true for my particular higher power.

[kittygrrl]

I feel a little differently...the conditions to love are never perfect..that's just wishful thinking that you may get that perfect person who deserves all your love..we aren't made that way because even in the midst of greatness we are flawed..you just have to take your chances and do your best to make good choices and hopefully you will find a partner (when you are open) who shares your interests and your temperaments compliment each other.

yin (to his) yang

[BullDog]

I don't think conditions or people (definitely including me) are perfect either. But there are some conditions and people who make it more conducive to having a healthier and deeper love - for me. I connect more deeply and closer to some people more than others - it's just a combination of things that allows it to occur. And someone I might not form a deep connection with can certainly form a deep connection with someone else.

[Femmewench]

Originally Posted by knight

Thoughts on loving unconditionally, indiscriminately and selflessly?

Unconditionally doesn't exist or shouldn't. Abuse in any form should effect loving. I may still care enough to hope the person gets help, but my own self-love preclude me from continuing with that person.

Selflessly isn't healthy. A sense of self and what I need is required in order to flourish. I loved selflessly for many years and it served the purpose of making me forget who I was when I was happy. I'm rediscovering her now.

Indiscriminately isn't healthy either. We all should discriminate when choosing people we let into our lives. Once you see the red flags, love yourself enough to remove that person from your life.

I probably shouldn't be posting this in my current head space, but what the heck.

[kassykit]

I will say that I have dated online for years. Part of my reason for this is I am not very confident in my real life. I also work at a major University in the bible belt!

In my real life I have to put on a mask of self-assurance, calm, and being in control. I hide behind various defense mechanisms to keep the real me from those who would hurt me.

I am a submissive woman. I am attracted to women. I do not care if a woman is butch, femme, or anywhere on that spectrum. I work in a job where I have to appear dominant. I have to be strict. I could never even hint that I am malleable, bendable, and well that i like my partner to "take control." It simply would not be appropriate.

Secretly I crave to find the one woman who doesn't mind my being on my knees so to speak. Someone who is comfortable being the dominant partner in the relationship. Someone who knows the difference between being in charge and being an abusive asshole. (If that makes any sense). So by dating a person online first I can get to know them, well at least the picture they paint of themselves.

I am not a skinny girl. People have told me I am pretty but well I rarely feel that way. I am awkward, introverted, and caring. The face I show to the world is none of those things. I play the role of extroverted PhD Candidate pretty darn well, and I hate it.

Does anyone else just crave for a place, a person that they can just be the person they are on the inside? Here, online, at least I can in the smallest bit. Yes, my ultimate dream is to find myself a partner who is dominant, self-assured, and secure in herself (or if preferring male pronouns, himself).