Relationships - What things do you want & need?

[Bèsame*]

I want romance, flirting, attention, wit to match mine, spontaneous activities, and be able to make me laugh.
Be open to agree to disagree

I need, above all, good communication and real honesty.

[Lyte]

I was about to add my short list of nonnegotiables and there they are! Thanks!

Originally Posted by Bèsame*

I need, above all, good communication and real honesty.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've been thinking about this because I'm putting a big toe back in the dating pool after years away.

I've come to grips being a demiromantic and that it is not what other people really understand or share.

I don't get crushes on people I don't know well. So I'm not going to get butterflys and act goofy over someone I don't know.

I'm a sapiophile as well. I'm not going to go stupid over the way someone looks. Nor am I going to get vulgar over some butches muscles. I mean, I'll think they are *nice*. But I'm never going to throw my panties at them or dribble on them.

I grow in love with people, I don't fall in love with people. I still get there. But not the way most people want, and not in the time frame most people want. Roses and chocolates are lost on me. I don't really get traditional romance stuff.

I get the romance of true friendship. *Really* knowing someone and loving them for the way they climb a tree. Or pour a cup or tea for you. Or how they only eat slightly green bananas. I love the romance of real friendship and how organic that is, that you can't say "oh first you do this, and then you do that, and then, it goes this way."

The is no code, no formula, no ritual to it. It just happens because it does, because you enjoy each other and you allow each other to be who you are.

And because I'm a demiromantic, sex does not make me feel more attached to someone. Or less. Unless its continual sex added to the mix of continual friendship that just keeps organically making its way to a stronger bond.

However, I know that pretty much leaves me out of the 45+ crowd in the USA of butch-femme. Its a good thing I'm in Canada. It mostly leaves me out of the loop here though, as well in my age group.

People 35 and under get this. But they are too young for me.

people put romance before friendship and I can't do that. I can put sex before friendship or romance. But romance does not go before friendship in my universe. I will have a fun shag with someone who's company I enjoy as a human being, but I will not hold their hand having ice cream until I know them as a proper friend first. and I don't mean "oh I met you 4 times" kind of friend. A *proper* friend.

[Femmadian]

I've met so many new people in the last six months and reconnected with so many others that with all these getting-to-know-you conversations going on simultaneously, its given me occasion to reflect on what it is I need and desire to have in any relationship, whether friendly, familial, or otherwise.

Beyond the obvious things that I think everyone wants (and in no particular order), at this point in my life I'm finding these things to be important to me:

• Playfulness.
  
• Equal parts intelligence and humility.
  
• Someone who knows they don't have all the answers (not necessarily the same thing as above) .
  
• Gentleness of spirit and action. Likewise, a life history showing evidence of a compassionate heart.
  
• Someone who sees the good in people... or will keep on trying until they do.
  
• The ability to be kind when it is tough and a person who, when they see a vulnerably exposed neck on someone else, refuses to go for the jugular.
  
• Someone who owns and understands their long term mental health quirks, who actively works to be functional in spite of them and does not lead a life ruled by them. I'm not talking about occasional blips, like situational depression or anxiety in high stress environments/periods in your life. I'm talking life long trends... being self aware enough to know what they are and being proactive enough to work with and around them.
  
• A genuine interest in other people. Two way conversations, intentional cultivation, and someone who listens rather than simply waiting to speak... it's so vital for any meaningful connection.
  
• Someone who does not clutch their woundedness so close to their chest, white knuckled fist, pained expression, deathly afraid to let it go. As a personality trait, I have no patience for this anymore. I am not discounting or rejecting people's trauma or life experiences but rather the kind of person who builds their identity around being a constant victim their whole life. I can't stand it. Everyone on this green Earth has been wounded, some severely and repeatedly. While the feelings arising from it are valid, woundedness does not (IMO), in and of itself, make someone special. Their resilience in the face of it does. I need someone who knows the difference.
  
• Someone who sees and seeks nuance... Someone who sees very little in life as black or white and who genuinely wants to see all the other shades there are in between.
  
• Earnestness, enthusiasm, and emoting without shame (or trying really hard to get there; we all have different starting points). Talk about your corniest or weirdest thoughts, geek out enthusiastically, show that soft underbelly, and express those other emotions like no one ever made you feel silly or sheepish for doing so. I think you're brave as anything for doing it and I will admire the hell out of you every time I see you try (whether or not you ever truly succeed).
  
• Someone who has a sense of poetry to their lives. Talk of your former friends and lovers with the respect they deserve. Speak of them with love and thoughtfulness, acknowledge the pathos and the joy, and show me your vulnerability while their name is on your lips.
  
• Show me the qualities you're proud of. Don't inform me about them. Please don't boast. Show. Me. I want to fall in love with who you are as a human. Please give me the opportunity.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Femmadian

I've met so many new people in the last six months and reconnected with so many others that with all these getting-to-know-you conversations going on simultaneously, its given me occasion to reflect on what it is I need and desire to have in any relationship, whether friendly, familial, or otherwise.

Beyond the obvious things that I think everyone wants (and in no particular order), at this point in my life I'm finding these things to be important to me:

• Playfulness.
  
• Equal parts intelligence and humility.
  
• Someone who knows they don't have all the answers (not necessarily the same thing as above) .
  
• Gentleness of spirit and action. Likewise, a life history showing evidence of a compassionate heart.
  
• Someone who sees the good in people... or will keep on trying until they do.
  
• The ability to be kind when it is tough and a person who, when they see a vulnerably exposed neck on someone else, refuses to go for the jugular.
  
• Someone who owns and understands their long term mental health quirks, who actively works to be functional in spite of them and does not lead a life ruled by them. I'm not talking about occasional blips, like situational depression or anxiety in high stress environments/periods in your life. I'm talking life long trends... being self aware enough to know what they are and being proactive enough to work with and around them.
  
• A genuine interest in other people. Two way conversations, intentional cultivation, and someone who listens rather than simply waiting to speak... it's so vital for any meaningful connection.
  
• Someone who does not clutch their woundedness so close to their chest, white knuckled fist, pained expression, deathly afraid to let it go. As a personality trait, I have no patience for this anymore. I am not discounting or rejecting people's trauma or life experiences but rather the kind of person who builds their identity around being a constant victim their whole life. I can't stand it. Everyone on this green Earth has been wounded, some severely and repeatedly. While the feelings arising from it are valid, woundedness does not (IMO), in and of itself, make someone special. Their resilience in the face of it does. I need someone who knows the difference.
  
• Someone who sees and seeks nuance... Someone who sees very little in life as black or white and who genuinely wants to see all the other shades there are in between.
  
• Earnestness, enthusiasm, and emoting without shame (or trying really hard to get there; we all have different starting points). Talk about your corniest or weirdest thoughts, geek out enthusiastically, show that soft underbelly, and express those other emotions like no one ever made you feel silly or sheepish for doing so. I think you're brave as anything for doing it and I will admire the hell out of you every time I see you try (whether or not you ever truly succeed).
  
• Someone who has a sense of poetry to their lives. Talk of your former friends and lovers with the respect they deserve. Speak of them with love and thoughtfulness, acknowledge the pathos and the joy, and show me your vulnerability while their name is on your lips.
  
• Show me the qualities you're proud of. Don't inform me about them. Please don't boast. Show. Me. I want to fall in love with who you are as a human. Please give me the opportunity.

That you have a cognitive list of traits is great!!! I think the last one is really important. That it is shown. I do LOVE to natter with folks. Its fun and I am an extravert so for me its necessary for me in order to put my thoughts in order. But no, I don't really hold words for truth anymore from folks, I know better. So as you say, I need to be shown. And not with someone's best date foot forward - I want to see who they are, really.

I hate dating. I like hanging out. I'm not a formal person. I loved going on dates with someone I was *seeing* and already knew and trusted. I loved going on dates with my ex-wife. But I hate dating strangers. It feels like a fucking job interview with forced romance.

Anyway, traits?

• similar sense of humour
• interest in sciency or geek shit for those long conversations and fun outings
• patience. They really have to know how to put something down for a while and go and do something else. Impatient people ride me for things and I can't. Not anymore.
• the ability to feel connected to others without needing daily contact. That's a big one.
• Confidence that things are ok right now as they are. And confidence in the ability to change them if they are not.
• Not looking for another human to bring meaning to their life because they already have that.
• Not emotionally mecurial, capricous. Emotionally fairly even. I don't mean one feeling, but I mean I am not dealing with extreme emotions every time I see them.
• Loves independance - for themselves and others. Dosen't need to be needed by a partner. Prefers to be wanted.
• Dosen't want to live with me or share finances.
• Wants to wait and see until there is actual trust formed from having time and experience with each other. Not expect payment in vulnerability for time put in. People become friends because it works, not because they expect something at the end of it.

That last one is a big one. If someone is dogpiling all these romantic daydream end points into the friendship, from the very beginning, that's not really how it works. That just feels like pressure.

But the genuine understanding that its ok if this is just friendship or hey, if it turns out it grows into something else, that would be good. And then mentally *leaving it there.*

It's *totally* ok to notice it now and again, the other person's attractive qualities and have a wandering thought.

But I really do notice when people's trajectories are "I wonder when this will be long enough to date." :s and I hate it. Its not sincere friendship.

thanks for the thought provoking post about traits.

[JDeere]

Not many in this big city have what I am looking for so, when I do start really dating, I do not see an easy road ahead of me.

Friends first is what I am going by this time around!

[Kätzchen]

Bumping this thread to the front page, in case others would enjoy reading this forum thread for useful perspective.