Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[Femmadian]

Vulnerability is my big bugaboo. When to give it, when to refrain, what's normal and what's not. I've been reading a lot on attachment styles lately and it's helped bring into focus a few things which needed attention and put words to other things I felt but was unable to name, such as the fear that with too much vulnerability, too much personal honesty, the person being allowed in will confirm your own deep down suspicions that something is fundamentally bad and unlovable about you. To even admit that I have those feelings at all makes my skin crawl. And then it's scary as hell to open yourself up to the possibility that those suspicions might be true... much easier to keep people at arm's length and never find out for sure (because what if the answer is yes?).

When your formative moments were had in an environment where the sort of personal vulnerability that's normal in any human relationship was regularly weaponized against you, then the maladaptive responses you've learned as survival instincts are very difficult to unlearn. Ignoring those instincts feels quite literally as though you're knowingly putting yourself in harm's way. To put it another way, it can be incredibly hard to calm even for a moment that wild-eyed horse you feel inside you who's getting ready to bolt at the first sign of sudden movement. Living like that, engaged in a perpetual fight or flight mode, is exhausting.

And it's hard to explain that in any meaningful way to someone who has had (by contrast) mostly secure, normative experiences in this regard without sounding at least a little crazy.

Another is really examining what it is about yourself that makes you attract exactly the kind of person you attract (as others have mentioned)... but also examining the kind of people you choose to cultivate relationships with and why. Even platonically, and for all of my life, I've tended to attract people who are essentially looking for a free therapist. I don't think that this is, in and of itself, necessarily a bad thing, but this kind of intense emotional support needs to be reciprocal. And most of my relationships just... aren't. It's a recipe for emotional burn out. As I've been trying to have a healthier relationship with stating my own needs and boundaries and attempting to open up more to the people who are important to me, it's been rather sobering to see just how quickly most of them shut down and tune out whenever I tentatively take a step forward (we're talking attention spans of 20 seconds or less). It's kind of depressing.

So in a way, one of my relationship fears is largely being realized right now, namely that as I'm actually reaching out for the first time in my life (as messy and unpracticed as it naturally is), most of the people in it do not actually care that much about me beyond the superficial and beyond what I can do for them. Ouch.

I just... I can't do that anymore. I have way too much going on in my own life to always be carrying other people's burdens without any help with my own. Even as I type this now, I have to seriously fight the urge to hit the backspace key because I hate how needy and angsty it sounds and I don't want to be "one of those people" (whoever "those people" are), but fuck it. Something about insanity being doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result, you know?

And so now the fear is, what happens when you stop being someone's emotional beast of burden and who even are you as a friend or a partner (especially as a woman and a Femme) when you're no longer placing yourself in that role? Do you even have more to offer? When you define yourself by how much weight you can carry, what then happens when the day comes that you drop it?

Lots of heavy questions...

[RockOn]

Relationship fears?

I have no fears because I am happier single.

Every tiny bit of my trust was used up years ago. I am okay with all that now and okay having made the choice to stay single the rest of my life.

For me, this is a good deal and so uncomplicated.
I love my quiet life with my dogs.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by Femmadian

Vulnerability is my big bugaboo. When to give it, when to refrain, what's normal and what's not. I've been reading a lot on attachment styles lately and it's helped bring into focus a few things which needed attention and put words to other things I felt but was unable to name, such as the fear that with too much vulnerability, too much personal honesty, the person being allowed in will confirm your own deep down suspicions that something is fundamentally bad and unlovable about you. To even admit that I have those feelings at all makes my skin crawl. And then it's scary as hell to open yourself up to the possibility that those suspicions might be true... much easier to keep people at arm's length and never find out for sure (because what if the answer is yes?).

When your formative moments were had in an environment where the sort of personal vulnerability that's normal in any human relationship was regularly weaponized against you, then the maladaptive responses you've learned as survival instincts are very difficult to unlearn. Ignoring those instincts feels quite literally as though you're knowingly putting yourself in harm's way. To put it another way, it can be incredibly hard to calm even for a moment that wild-eyed horse you feel inside you who's getting ready to bolt at the first sign of sudden movement. Living like that, engaged in a perpetual fight or flight mode, is exhausting.

And it's hard to explain that in any meaningful way to someone who has had (by contrast) mostly secure, normative experiences in this regard without sounding at least a little crazy.

Another is really examining what it is about yourself that makes you attract exactly the kind of person you attract (as others have mentioned)... but also examining the kind of people you choose to cultivate relationships with and why. Even platonically, and for all of my life, I've tended to attract people who are essentially looking for a free therapist. I don't think that this is, in and of itself, necessarily a bad thing, but this kind of intense emotional support needs to be reciprocal. And most of my relationships just... aren't. It's a recipe for emotional burn out. As I've been trying to have a healthier relationship with stating my own needs and boundaries and attempting to open up more to the people who are important to me, it's been rather sobering to see just how quickly most of them shut down and tune out whenever I tentatively take a step forward (we're talking attention spans of 20 seconds or less). It's kind of depressing.

So in a way, one of my relationship fears is largely being realized right now, namely that as I'm actually reaching out for the first time in my life (as messy and unpracticed as it naturally is), most of the people in it do not actually care that much about me beyond the superficial and beyond what I can do for them. Ouch.

I just... I can't do that anymore. I have way too much going on in my own life to always be carrying other people's burdens without any help with my own. Even as I type this now, I have to seriously fight the urge to hit the backspace key because I hate how needy and angsty it sounds and I don't want to be "one of those people" (whoever "those people" are), but fuck it. Something about insanity being doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result, you know?

And so now the fear is, what happens when you stop being someone's emotional beast of burden and who even are you as a friend or a partner (especially as a woman and a Femme) when you're no longer placing yourself in that role? Do you even have more to offer? When you define yourself by how much weight you can carry, what then happens when the day comes that you drop it?

Lots of heavy questions...

Brilliant post. I've been asking myself exactly the same questions.

[JDeere]

Rejection

Ruining the relationship like my past ones have been before

[JustLovelyJenn]

Being the only one to do the work...

[babydollfem]

My biggest fear in relationships is not being able to comfort/help my partner when they need it, not being able to make them feel safe. Sure I'm scared of being cheated on or having my heart broken just like everyone else but that one is the worst.

[JDeere]

Not being able to adapt to what she needs

My family scaring her off, that's a huge one! I have judgy mcjudger pants in the family!

[JustLovelyJenn]

That all my "little worries" are more than the past trying to sabatage my future...