Caregivers and Stress

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by Kelt

Dementia is hard, that’s all there is to it.

A couple of times in the last couple of weeks when I have called my mother it has to be explained to her who I am before she can get on the phone. Over the last few years I’ve been learning how to cope with these bumps in the road as each new development comes along. I know that she has forgotten my life, her life, and her 60 year marriage. But I call her often enough that she knows my name, my voice, and that I am a force for good. We are getting to the point where this is starting to erode.

I know in my mind that this is the natural progression of what she’s going through, and it is not her fault. Each of these steps though, still hurt the first couple of times they happen. I adapt and accept and get over it pretty quickly learning each time that this is the new normal.

It still sucks.

That's got to be so incredibly hard on you Kelt. My sincerest condolences to you, as you walk your mother 'home'.

Your post about your mother's dementia squares with an event that happened yesterday at work, while taking calls on the corporate reception telephone line. There's this elderly gentleman, with a southern Mississippi drawl, that draws you in for the 'klll'. He calls at weird random times; I'm guessing it's when his care attendants and nursing staff don't see him pick up the phone.... but he's got dementia super bad. At first, his voice is disarming. You feel like he's got your best interest at heart. Until, he lashes out at you in the most vitriolic of ways, which are as equally disarming. He kept calling the corporate line, wanting to talk to his favorite salesman on the sales and service team. Two minutes after his first call, which I patched through to the sales and service team, I get a call from his favorite sales and service contact on campus. I was told that "Clayton" had dementia and that next time he called, to stall for time, so IT could go behind the 'scene' to establish the identity of the phone number he was calling from... so they could permanently ban him from being able to call and harass the sales and service staff. When they disclosed the story behind the horror show this person was capable of, upending the whole entire day with his cut-throat vitriol, I felt incredibly sad for the sales and service staff, as well as the elderly gentleman who had the disarming Mississippi southern drawl. Dementia is indeed, an very unsettling medical condition for the person affected by it; and also for the people who care for those affected by this life altering end-of-life-story condition.

My heart goes out to you, as you navigate your mother's care.

[Kelt]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

That's got to be so incredibly hard on you Kelt. My sincerest condolences to you, as you walk your mother 'home'.

Your post about your mother's dementia squares with an event that happened yesterday at work, while taking calls on the corporate reception telephone line. There's this elderly gentleman, with a southern Mississippi drawl, that draws you in for the 'klll'. He calls at weird random times; I'm guessing it's when his care attendants and nursing staff don't see him pick up the phone.... but he's got dementia super bad. At first, his voice is disarming. You feel like he's got your best interest at heart. Until, he lashes out at you in the most vitriolic of ways, which are as equally disarming. He kept calling the corporate line, wanting to talk to his favorite salesman on the sales and service team. Two minutes after his first call, which I patched through to the sales and service team, I get a call from his favorite sales and service contact on campus. I was told that "Clayton" had dementia and that next time he called, to stall for time, so IT could go behind the 'scene' to establish the identity of the phone number he was calling from... so they could permanently ban him from being able to call and harass the sales and service staff. When they disclosed the story behind the horror show this person was capable of, upending the whole entire day with his cut-throat vitriol, I felt incredibly sad for the sales and service staff, as well as the elderly gentleman who had the disarming Mississippi southern drawl. Dementia is indeed, an very unsettling medical condition for the person affected by it; and also for the people who care for those affected by this life altering end-of-life-story condition.

My heart goes out to you, as you navigate your mother's care.

I don’t want to give the wrong impression. While it is very common with dementia patients to be agitated, angry, paranoid, and subject to personality changes; this is not the case with my mother. She has gone mostly what I call “ragdoll“ she is very sweet and doesn’t ask anybody for anything. I am able to joke with her that she has become the ultimate Buddha with no past and no future, now everything for her is a mildly pleasant surprise, she lives in the present. In this I know that I am very lucky, my hurts are just about watching her drift away. It is difficult to be forgotten by someone when you are right there.

[MrSunshine]

Im taking care of mom full time now. Dementia. FUCK!
I have much gratitude for the fine quantity of hair I posses or I would have surely pulled it all out today.
I have so much more gratitude that mom is still with me who always reminded me while in HER care that “no matter how hard you think you got it someone else has is worse”. But still, FUCK!

[Chad]

My life before becoming a caregiver was slammed now I live an exhausted life. My job days are between 10-17 hours a day, I come home and take care of mom and then travel 80 - 90 percent of the time. I cook all weekend so that mom has yummy home cooked food all week. I am exhausted everyday.

[Chad]

This afternoon I ran into a dear friend of 32 years. She asked me how I was doing and I told her about the shoulder surgery. She asked me about my mom and I said okay but I was trying to get her into PT. Lastly, she asked me how I was doing balancing my heavy workload, business travel, medical appointments, and caring for mom all by myself.

I looked at her sweet face and knew that I had to be honest so I told her the truth. I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday.

[~ocean]

Originally Posted by Chad

This afternoon I ran into a dear friend of 32 years. She asked me how I was doing and I told her about the shoulder surgery. She asked me about my mom and I said okay but I was trying to get her into PT. Lastly, she asked me how I was doing balancing my heavy workload, business travel, medical appointments, and caring for mom all by myself.

I looked at her sweet face and knew that I had to be honest so I told her the truth. I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday.

chad, they have so many programs for the elderly, or companions that will come to your own home , senior citizen programs. with or without health limitations. I'm sure you must have checked into it. Let someone or program help you, Your (((( mom )))) will like it too ! good luck

[Kelt]

Mom went for a little stroll last night, 4 AM.

“She was wearing just her pajamas and had made it out of the house down the ADA ramps to the parking lot and was heading for the street. She had her walker filled with items that she was going to sell to a Vietnamese woman.“

Those are the chart notes. It was 31°. The part of the state she lives in now and has for the last 30 years has roughly zero Vietnamese population. We may be entering a new stage. One of the reasons I chose the house she is living in now is that they don’t believe in locking people down because they are a memory patient. The back door she used as exit is near her room and the door has an alarm on it, they will start setting the alarm at night but otherwise just keep a close eye on her and go with her when she takes a stroll. If needed they will also add motion sensors.

*sigh*

[Chad]

Originally Posted by ~ocean

chad, they have so many programs for the elderly, or companions that will come to your own home , senior citizen programs. with or without health limitations. I'm sure you must have checked into it. Let someone or program help you, Your (((( mom )))) will like it too ! good luck

Thanks, I asked mom to call her insurance to see if it would pay for a service like Visiting Angel's but she has not done it. I hope to have time to make some of these calls over the Thanksgiving holidays.

[homoe]

Originally Posted by Chad

This afternoon I ran into a dear friend of 32 years. She asked me how I was doing and I told her about the shoulder surgery. She asked me about my mom and I said okay but I was trying to get her into PT. Lastly, she asked me how I was doing balancing my heavy workload, business travel, medical appointments, and caring for mom all by myself.

I looked at her sweet face and knew that I had to be honest so I told her the truth. I am overwhelmed and exhausted everyday.

Chad, the Department of Aging offers some assistance, but there are guidelines of income and such that one must meet to qualify. I would say to contact them, it couldn't hurt.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

My mom called and left me three voice mails this morning. I didn't hurry to call her back because I just spoke to her last night. But when I did call her back this morning, it turns out she has come up with some scheme to come stay with me for awhile and help me recuperate from my bout with pneumonia.

When I first got pneumonia, she told me how she wanted to come help me, but couldn't remember how to drive to my house. I thought my sister and I had talked her out of it. That was two-ish weeks ago.

Last night when I talked to her, I told her how much better I am doing, and that friends have been around to help me out. I'm going back to work tomorrow, and I have been on a couple of outings (doctor visits) that led me to believe I will be able to handle getting from the parking deck to my office. She said all the appropriate things last night, like she understood what I was saying. But then this morning she calls with this complicated plan to come and stay with me and nurse me back to health.

I reminded her we talked just last night and that I am better. I teased her a little and said she must have dreamed that I needed help. And probably, it was something she dreamed. But this is just another sign of my mom's confusion when it comes to conversations and what's going on.

After reading about Kelt's mom going for a 4 a.m. walk, it made me wonder what would have happened if she had just gotten in her car and tried to drive to my house? She might have made it here - but quite possibly not. It wouldn't be the first time she had gotten lost while driving. And what if she hadn't told anyone where she was going? She forgets to take her cell phone with her when she goes outside. And one day, I'm afraid something like this is going to happen.

I wonder if it's possible to put GPS on her car? Or is that something that only happens in spy movies?