PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Kätzchen]

Yesterday, my therapist and the new therapist shared a 3-way phone call with me, so my therapist could introduce me to the new therapist and so that the new therapist could go over some things that we will continue covering in my PTSD sessions.

My biggest trigger is brought on by those who have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Both of my parents suffer narcissism (NPD) and three of my siblings have it too. Growing up in a household of competing narcissists (so crazy toxic) and separating myself from the prevailing sick winds of narcissism has been a lifelong struggle. It wasn't until T---p began to occupy the WH that it sent me into escalating panic attacks and escalated the PTSD I have suffered from, most of my life, but just never had a name for it until I had to reach out for help by my primary care physician, which led to me going for therapy for the past two years. When my abusive dad died this past February, I felt nothing except that his death marked the unraveling of the years long competition between him and my mother, but when my abusive father died, my mom has gotten worse and her constant helicoptering, secrecy about her next manipulative moves, etc., has made it hard on me because although I have put a fuck ton of distance between myself and my family, it doesn't stop them or faze them that I don't want to be a part of their sick and toxic behavioral ways that they live and communicate by, with each other (and others).

So, my new therapist asked me to chase down a copy of a book authored by Sandra Hotchkiss:
Why is it always about you? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism (August 7th, 2002).


One of the things my new therapist has asked me to do is to read the book and then begin a journal of notes about things I read in the book that connect to experiences I have lived through. So that is what I will be doing, until we meet for our first session in September and then for the next six months, we will work on the things I find that parallel my life experience and what I can do to help myself. Before the pandemic broke out, the new therapist I have been partnered with used to run a small group counseling session for those of us triggered severely by the people in our lives who have NPD.

It's going to be rough, like it always has been, but I am determined to overcome and do more than just survive.

Here's an introduction to the type of book I will be reading by Hotchkiss:

In this groundbreaking book -- the first popular book on narcissism in more than a decade -- clinical social worker and psychotherapist Sandy Hotchkiss shows you how to cope with controlling, egotistical people who are incapable of the fundamental give-and-take that sustains healthy relationships. Exploring how individuals come to have this shortcoming, why you get drawn into their perilous orbit, and what you can do to break free, Hotchkiss describes the "Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism" and their origins. You will learn to recognize these hallmarks of unhealthy narcissism -- Shamelessness, Magical Thinking, Arrogance, Envy, Entitlement, Exploitation, Bad Boundaries -- and to understand the roles that parenting and culture play in their creation. Whether the narcissist in question is a coworker, spouse, parent, or child, Why Is It Always About You? provides abundant practical advice for anyone struggling to break narcissism's insidious spread to the next generation, and for anyone who encounters narcissists in everyday life.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

Yesterday, my therapist and the new therapist shared a 3-way phone call with me, so my therapist could introduce me to the new therapist and so that the new therapist could go over some things that we will continue covering in my PTSD sessions.

My biggest trigger is brought on by those who have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Both of my parents suffer narcissism (NPD) and three of my siblings have it too. Growing up in a household of competing narcissists (so crazy toxic) and separating myself from the prevailing sick winds of narcissism has been a lifelong struggle. It wasn't until T---p began to occupy the WH that it sent me into escalating panic attacks and escalated the PTSD I have suffered from, most of my life, but just never had a name for it until I had to reach out for help by my primary care physician, which led to me going for therapy for the past two years. When my abusive dad died this past February, I felt nothing except that his death marked the unraveling of the years long competition between him and my mother, but when my abusive father died, my mom has gotten worse and her constant helicoptering, secrecy about her next manipulative moves, etc., has made it hard on me because although I have put a fuck ton of distance between myself and my family, it doesn't stop them or faze them that I don't want to be a part of their sick and toxic behavioral ways that they live and communicate by, with each other (and others).

So, my new therapist asked me to chase down a copy of a book authored by Sandra Hotchkiss:
Why is it always about you? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism (August 7th, 2002).


One of the things my new therapist has asked me to do is to read the book and then begin a journal of notes about things I read in the book that connect to experiences I have lived through. So that is what I will be doing, until we meet for our first session in September and then for the next six months, we will work on the things I find that parallel my life experience and what I can do to help myself. Before the pandemic broke out, the new therapist I have been partnered with used to run a small group counseling session for those of us triggered severely by the people in our lives who have NPD.

It's going to be rough, like it always has been, but I am determined to overcome and do more than just survive.

Here's an introduction to the type of book I will be reading by Hotchkiss:

I am putting that book on my list. Thanks!

[Apocalipstic]

So has Covid messed with anyone else's therapy, etc?

I have not had EMDR since this mess started and we were having such good progress before.

Now, though I have therapy, its just discussion on Zoom and while it does help, I feel like its more like just talking about what I am doing to survive...not getting ahead of things like I was before.

I just feel kind of lost and like there is no way to improve until this mess is over, if ever.

Anyone else feel this way?

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

So has Covid messed with anyone else's therapy, etc?

I have not had EMDR since this mess started and we were having such good progress before.

Now, though I have therapy, its just discussion on Zoom and while it does help, I feel like its more like just talking about what I am doing to survive...not getting ahead of things like I was before.

I just feel kind of lost and like there is no way to improve until this mess is over, if ever.

Anyone else feel this way?

My next round of sessions wont start until next month, but yah. The past six months felt like my therapy was more centered around the chaos in our country, by Capt Chaos himself, and others just like him who are hell bent on subjecting others to their own brand chaos.

Not sure how the next six months will go.


Good to see your post today, Apoc. Stay safe and be as well as you can be, sister friend.

Take good care,
~K.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Kätzchen

My next round of sessions wont start until next month, but yah. The past six months felt like my therapy was more centered around the chaos in our country, by Capt Chaos himself, and others just like him who are hell bent on subjecting others to their own brand chaos.

Not sure how the next six months will go.


Good to see your post today, Apoc. Stay safe and be as well as you can be, sister friend.

Take good care,
~K.

Good luck on your next 6 months. Are you still on Zoom or phone?

Ive started having really bad anxiety and panic attacks again. My therapist said no more watching the news, which stresses me out becasue then I wonder what is happening and going to happen. Like I want to know what is going on! You know?

Maybe if nothing else, so I can have everything charged up and my car full if I need to run.

My kittie died and she thinks I need to get another one soon, but what if things go bad around the election and I have to get outta the South. I can't leave a kittie behind.

I hope your therapy goes well! Have you started it yet?

[Kätzchen]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

Good luck on your next 6 months. Are you still on Zoom or phone?

Ive started having really bad anxiety and panic attacks again. My therapist said no more watching the news, which stresses me out becasue then I wonder what is happening and going to happen. Like I want to know what is going on! You know?

Maybe if nothing else, so I can have everything charged up and my car full if I need to run.

My kittie died and she thinks I need to get another one soon, but what if things go bad around the election and I have to get outta the South. I can't leave a kittie behind.

I hope your therapy goes well! Have you started it yet?

My sessions begin next month. Which we conduct them via a secured network by phone.

Sorry to hear about your pet cat. Mine passed away this last spring, hard still on me -missing my cat.

Take good care now and be good to you, Apocalipstic.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

what if things go bad around the election and I have to get outta the South. I can't leave a kittie behind.

How fast can you get to Neuvo Laredo by car?
You and Kitty can have space in our refugee compound.
This entire thread is invited! And even if it is not realistic for you, I will paint ya'll the picture so you can use it as a soothing bedtime story
(I have alluded to this on multiple other threads so I apologize if it's a rerun for anyone)

• Mr. Jenny has dual citizenship and owns 4 properties in Neuvo Laredo.
• She is already considered a resident.
• I just got a travel trailer for my birthday.
• We can probably put two travel trailers on each property, for a total of eight. Four people can live in each trailer, so that is 30 more people.
• Nuevo Laredo is very convenient! The neighborhoods have multiple bodegas on each block!
• On the block where we have our established mailing address, you only have to walk next door to get milk, eggs, bread, toilet paper, cervezas, etc.
• Our dollars buy A LOT.

Here is the problem: one of the properties is rural and does not have water service. The water is delivered each day on a truck.

When I am fretting about the political worst-case (Handmaid's Tale becoming real and/or white supremacists massacring everyone), I go over this plan in my brain, and instead of worrying about fascism, I worry about that water truck: "Could I live like that? The nice thing to do would be to tolerate that ourselves and let our friends have the compounds in town, but what about my hair?" etc.

Now all of ya'll can put yourselves in that picture, and distract yourselves from Doomsday by planning your route to Nuevo Laredo and hoping you don't get stuck on the water truck compound.

Although what if we could put eight trailers on the water truck property? It's rural and unrestricted. Hmmm

[dark_crystal]

I got the results from my autism assessment yesterday and YEP it's autism.

The psychologist said my autism is very close to fully camouflaged, and that is taking a lot of energy from me and causing physical exhaustion and extreme anxiety.

Another issue with autism is extreme naivete and gullibility. I have always fallen prey to exploiters, manipulators, and narcissists and this is extremely common with autism. We have no defense against it.

So, I have been doing all of this work to treat my anxiety and exhaustion and vulnerability BUT they are never going to change. Surviving at work is never going to get any easier for me. The toll it takes on me is never going to decrease.

My assistant was manipulating me and exploiting me for ten years. For ten years i saw her as my safe person at work. Before i started getting promoted, I would cry to her about my ex-supervisors bullying me. Her friendship was fake that entire time. She was using me to climb the ladder.

My "good" assistant told me after the incident that she goes to church with my "evil" assistant's ex-supervisor, and that lady told her that my evil assistant did this to both of her previous supervisors, too. She pretended to be their best friend until they promoted her. Both of them were also on the spectrum.

She is also in the process of divorcing her sweet, nerdy little husband. I guess he, too, has outlived his usefulness to her.

These fake friendships happen to me over and over, and autism makes it almost impossible to see while it is happening. I just do not feel there are any kind of skills i can learn that will ever protect me. It is just guaranteed to happen eventually any time i am out in the world without Mr. Jenny.

SO

I have decided not to go back to work. Not at the library, not at another library, not at Wal-mart, not anywhere. No job is ever going to be safe for me.

I told Mr. Jenny i work for her now.

She has a lot of questions about that because both of us are on my job's health insurance. I told her we have a LOT of things to figure out!