Open Letter: Dear Femme

[SassyLeo]

Originally Posted by evolveme

I do not believe, and have never believed, that my child belongs to me. She came through me. I am her guardian as long as she is with me and until she can suffice herself.

This is what *I* do: I suffice myself.

Sometimes this is read as selfishness. And it may be. But I believe it is more true that I am simply a solitary creature. My roles are of a temporal nature relative to who and what I am. Don't misread, my love is fierce. But it does not define me. My mind defines me before my heart does. Unless we are speaking to my compassion. This also defines me. But never in the sense that I am giving myself away for it.

That is less compassion than martyrdom. And I am no martyr.

The bolded words: Perfect.

My mother and I have long had this kind of dialogue. I love seeing it in print, the words she and I have exchanged for years. Thank you for having the same words.

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by SassyLeo

The bolded words: Perfect.

My mother and I have long had this kind of dialogue. I love seeing it in print, the words she and I have exchanged for years. Thank you for having the same words.

It makes me so happy to hear you share this, Lovely Sassy. Knowing that an adult mother and daughter exist somewhere and speak of this kind of relating to one another fills me with something profound. I can only hope that my daughter and I will continue to have the kind of relationship that we do, and that it will evolve into a woman-to-woman relating someday.

My feeling that she does not belong to me - that I do not possess her - is almost a spiritual point of view. I recognize her wholeness. I honor it.

This is, I think, the baseline of what the last couple of pages have been about.

We want our wholeness to be honored.

[SassyLeo]

Originally Posted by evolveme

It makes me so happy to hear you share this, Lovely Sassy. Knowing that an adult mother and daughter exist somewhere and speak of this kind of relating to one another fills me with something profound. I can only hope that my daughter and I will continue to have the kind of relationship that we do, and that it will evolve into a woman-to-woman relating someday.

My feeling that she does not belong to me - that I do not possess her - is almost a spiritual point of view. I recognize her wholeness. I honor it.

This is, I think, the baseline of what the last couple of pages have been about.

We want our wholeness to be honored.

Yes, absolutely. And that is what it has become, a woman-to-woman relating. And spiritual point of view is exactly how she describes it. We talk about how we kind of birthed each other...how I am not "hers", but that we get to be teachers for each other, guardians of learning.

My mother doesn't necessarily identify as Femme. She appears very feminine and people have described her as Femme, however she has mixed feelings about labels related to appearance and believes she loves who she loves, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, identity, etc. (She taught me some good stuff ). She was with my father for more than 20 years and came out when I was a teen. Then dating several women who all identified very differently. She has told me over the years that she did not know how to articulate her feelings, desire, and how she viewed herself in relation to "queerness" (my word). However, there is within her a strong feeling of wanting to be seen in her entirety as who she is, not in relation to who she dates, fucks, be-friends; what she wears, how she does her hair, etc. She struggles using the words lesbian, dyke, even queer. She wants to be seen without all the other descriptors attached. She mostly calls herself a "spiritual human" (and woman, mother, etc). I asked her if she had thought about choosing the word Femme to describe/define herself (as a "queer" word - label/un-label) and use her own descriptors? As in, what we are all talking about here...what Femme is to us? Not that I was specifically telling her she needed to label herself or "Femme" herself, but look at it from the angle that we are all talking about... she smiled and nodded and said she had not thought of it that way...

I feel so blessed to be able to have these kinds of conversations with her...and I hope that you are also able to...or get to when the time is right

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by SassyLeo

Yes, absolutely. And that is what it has become, a woman-to-woman relating. And spiritual point of view is exactly how she describes it. We talk about how we kind of birthed each other...how I am not "hers", but that we get to be teachers for each other, guardians of learning.

My mother doesn't necessarily identify as Femme. She appears very feminine and people have described her as Femme, however she has mixed feelings about labels related to appearance and believes she loves who she loves, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, identity, etc. (She taught me some good stuff ). She was with my father for more than 20 years and came out when I was a teen. Then dating several women who all identified very differently. She has told me over the years that she did not know how to articulate her feelings, desire, and how she viewed herself in relation to "queerness" (my word). However, there is within her a strong feeling of wanting to be seen in her entirety as who she is, not in relation to who she dates, fucks, be-friends; what she wears, how she does her hair, etc. She struggles using the words lesbian, dyke, even queer. She wants to be seen without all the other descriptors attached. She mostly calls herself a "spiritual human" (and woman, mother, etc). I asked her if she had thought about choosing the word Femme to describe/define herself (as a "queer" word - label/un-label) and use her own descriptors? As in, what we are all talking about here...what Femme is to us? Not that I was specifically telling her she needed to label herself or "Femme" herself, but look at it from the angle that we are all talking about... she smiled and nodded and said she had not thought of it that way...

I feel so blessed to be able to have these kinds of conversations with her...and I hope that you are also able to...or get to when the time is right

I have been amazed by the story of you and your dad, but this is the first time I've seen you write about your mother. I didn't know that she was not strictly heterosexual, or that you might share something so intimately in common with her. What an amazing story you have, and clearly, what an amazing mother... and mother/daughter bond.

[Lynn]

Originally Posted by evolveme

This is, I think, the baseline of what the last couple of pages have been about.

We want our wholeness to be honored.

That's what I'm trying to say, I think. To be honored isn't the same as "validated." I want to validate myself, without relying on the approval and acceptance of others. And, it isn't even that I want to be honored for WHO I am. I want to be honored THAT I am. Does that make any sense? I agree, absolutely, that we should all be accepted for how we identify and who we say we are. But, I'm trying to address something deeper than that.