The Mythical *Pass* for Differently-Abled People

[christie]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I understand the intentions behind feeling protective of someone with a different-ability, and I think it's great. What I find problematic is not holding us accountable for ourselves. It is disempowering to suggest a differently abled person cannot learn to self moderate.

I guess I don't want to be read differently. If that means giving someone who makes an asswipe statement the same consideration that you'd give a person with a different ability then so be it. That just means we're spreading the same amount of compassion around to everyone. Which is never a bad thing, right?

But I don't want special consideration. Because I have to live in the same world as the rest of you. With the same rules and laws. If I make a mistake, a police officer isn't going to give me special consideration. I'm going to get in the same kind of trouble as everyone else.

So to give the false security that rules do NOT apply to me is truly in the end, something that disables me further.

SF -

I snipped your post for brevity.

I wanted to clarify that my viewing my son's experience through a different lens (or viewing a DA's post thru a different lens) doesn't mean that I don't hold him (or them) to the same standard. If anything, in my son's case, he is held to a higher standard with me. Its my job to ensure he has the skill set necessary for the world with the same rules/laws/expectations as those without his challenges.

I use the *lens* as part of my process in trying to figure out how he thinks. How he came to whatever place he is in - because for me, if I can figure out his perspective (which is usually so very different than mine) then I have a starting point to address the specific issue.

I don't think this is coddling him or giving him the false sense of security you mention. This is, through lots of trial and error, what works best for him. I don't expect others to go through the same interaction process with him, but more that he has the skills to self monitor/reflect rather than standing in the midst of a heated interaction with someone and not have a clue as to how he got there. He doesn't get to be an asswipe any more than anyone else does - probably less because I never want him to use his challenges as a crutch/excuse or pass.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by christie0918

SF -

I snipped your post for brevity.

I wanted to clarify that my viewing my son's experience through a different lens (or viewing a DA's post thru a different lens) doesn't mean that I don't hold him (or them) to the same standard. If anything, in my son's case, he is held to a higher standard with me. Its my job to ensure he has the skill set necessary for the world with the same rules/laws/expectations as those without his challenges.

I use the *lens* as part of my process in trying to figure out how he thinks. How he came to whatever place he is in - because for me, if I can figure out his perspective (which is usually so very different than mine) then I have a starting point to address the specific issue.

I don't think this is coddling him or giving him the false sense of security you mention. This is, through lots of trial and error, what works best for him. I don't expect others to go through the same interaction process with him, but more that he has the skills to self monitor/reflect rather than standing in the midst of a heated interaction with someone and not have a clue as to how he got there. He doesn't get to be an asswipe any more than anyone else does - probably less because I never want him to use his challenges as a crutch/excuse or pass.

I think I mixed up a post with responding to what you wrote about and speaking to my own (adeles) feelings/experiences.

I didn't at all mean to imply that you coddle you son. If I did I want to apologize to you, because that would be an awful thing to say. I smiled when you said "Bratboy" and knew from what you wrote that you are all kinds of great as a mother.

I totally am for giving consideration to *where* a person is coming from, but not so much for allowing challenges as a crutch/excuse (which you worded so well, thanks).

I think I wish we could give everyone consideration because it is not just different abledness that causes a post to read bad. It could be a bad day, a break up, a death in the family or a million other things that leads to an asswipe post.

I hope I explained this better?

[christie]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I think I mixed up a post with responding to what you wrote about and speaking to my own (adeles) feelings/experiences.

I didn't at all mean to imply that you coddle you son. If I did I want to apologize to you, because that would be an awful thing to say. I smiled when you said "Bratboy" and knew from what you wrote that you are all kinds of great as a mother.

I totally am for giving consideration to *where* a person is coming from, but not so much for allowing challenges as a crutch/excuse (which you worded so well, thanks).

I think I wish we could give everyone consideration because it is not just different abledness that causes a post to read bad. It could be a bad day, a break up, a death in the family or a million other things that leads to an asswipe post.

I hope I explained this better?

Please don't think I thought you were saying I coddled my son. What I know is that just as unique as the DA's are - so are the nonDA's! What works for us isn't necessarily going to work with another Aspie/ODD/ADHD/(pick an acronym!) Just as you and those close to you have done, I think we all find what works in interactions - DA or not.

I like to think that I am a great mother - or at least the greatest mother I am capable of being! Thanks, tho - your words mean a lot.

I think Snow has a great point in those who continue to blow past the boundaries, time and time again, despite folks having taken the time and energy and patience to try and help the DA understand the disconnect.

I don't know what the answer is - but I find that with Bratboy, ignoring the unwanted behavior usually gets results. The moment I explode with, "STOP TAPPING ME ON THE FUCKING ARM", he takes that 179IQd DA brain and records it for future reference that that is a weakness and must be exploited at every possible turn.

I also find this works well with the overly needy dog. Cesar Millan has something going with the communicating with energy as opposed to words. Maybe we have to find the language the other person understands. Maybe, there is no common language and we need to resort to energy.

[Plato]

Originally Posted by christie0918

SF -
.... If anything, in my son's case, he is held to a higher standard with me. Its my job to ensure he has the skill set necessary for the world with the same rules/laws/expectations as those without his challenges.

I use the *lens* as part of my process in trying to figure out how he thinks. How he came to whatever place he is in - because for me, if I can figure out his perspective (which is usually so very different than mine) then I have a starting point to address the specific issue.

I don't think this is coddling him or giving him the false sense of security you mention. This is, through lots of trial and error, what works best for him. He doesn't get to be an asswipe any more than anyone else does - probably less because I never want him to use his challenges as a crutch/excuse or pass.

This is an example of awesome parenting, imo, and NOT head-patting AT ALL!!

[christie]

Originally Posted by Plato

This is an example of awesome parenting, imo, and NOT head-patting AT ALL!!

Thank you for your kind words, but I didn't post it to have any sort of recognition. I wanted to talk about how I process with DA's and how it might actually not be fair to the nonDA's - because I don't give them the same amount of energy in trying to figure out their reality.

Am I being preferrential in some way - holding the DA to the same expectation as a nonDA but allowing more processing? Its something for me to look at, for certain.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by christie0918

Thank you for your kind words, but I didn't post it to have any sort of recognition. I wanted to talk about how I process with DA's and how it might actually not be fair to the nonDA's - because I don't give them the same amount of energy in trying to figure out their reality.

Am I being preferrential in some way - holding the DA to the same expectation as a nonDA but allowing more processing? Its something for me to look at, for certain.

As you said, nonDA's have a complete set of things that would garner room for processing as well.

I don't have an exact answer for you. Before we are DA or non DA we are human, susceptible to human error.