Poly Relationships

[MrSunshine]

This has always been an interesting concept to me. I myself have reached a point in my life, maybe age, that this would work for me if the right mix came up. It's something I've thought of more in recent years anyway and wonder if it would make life/relationships easier, more enjoyable?
Look forward to hearing any stories.

[Linus]

Originally Posted by violaine

hi linus.

i found a pretty good article-

http://www.newsweek.com/id/209164

"... It's a new paradigm, certainly—and it does break some rules. "Polyamory scares people—it shakes up their world view," says Allena Gabosch, the director of the Seattle-based Center for Sex Positive Culture. But perhaps the practice is more natural than we think: a response to the challenges of monogamous relationships, whose shortcomings—in a culture where divorce has become a commonplace—are clear. Everyone in a relationship wrestles at some point with an eternal question: can one person really satisfy every need? Polyamorists think the answer is obvious—and that it's only a matter of time before the monogamous world sees there's more than one way to live and love. "The people I feel sorry for are the ones who don't ever realize they have any other choices beyond the traditional options society presents," says Scott. "To look at an option like polyamory and say 'That's not for me' is fine. To look at it and not realize you can choose it is just sad..."

i have looked at polyamory several times over the years, and wondered if the model could ever work for me. a few of the relationships i've seen and people in them, have successfully worked out [because they all do the work]. certainly, a level of honesty/respect for other partners would make this kind of [or any!] relationship healthier.

look forward to reading on-

best,
belle

Interesting. I don't know that it's a new paradigm. I think perhaps it's not a common one that most people think of because often it's associated to Mormon et al. concept of marriage. And it breaks down the traditional view of marriage and/or commitment.

I had actually been first introduced to this by K and as I investigated it more, I realized that there were a lot of things about this that made sense. When we think of our lives we love a lot of people for a variety of reasons (e.g., siblings, friends, parents, etc). We do not deny our love for them because we decide who should only love one friend or one parent or one sibling, etc. So why do we limit our deeper loves for only one? (work/busy schedule and other stuff aside).

Ultimately, I can say that the choice to be involved in a poly relationship or not is up to the person. I won't say that it's for everyone. It's not. But it can be great for many and allows a primary or a group relationship to grow well, strong and provide an avenue for support for all (something that can be challenge in a mono relationship where the partners rely on each for all support).

There are some biggies that should be parament in any relationship and it's heightened, IMO, in a poly relationship:

1. Communication.
2. Trust
3. Unconditional love
4. Honesty (both the stuff that is nice and stuff that is harsh)
5. Openness

Originally Posted by Deadyboy

This has always been an interesting concept to me. I myself have reached a point in my life, maybe age, that this would work for me if the right mix came up. It's something I've thought of more in recent years anyway and wonder if it would make life/relationships easier, more enjoyable?
Look forward to hearing any stories.

I'm actually kind of curious as to why it might make your life/relationships easier and/or more enjoyable?

I do believe it is about the right mix. For me, I'd love to find a B-F couple that would work with K and me (ideally loves furrkids and kidlets -- bigger the family, the better.). To me, I think it'd be the best option. For both of us, it would ideally address the desire/need for close friend for support (other than lover) as well as another to play with.

Would it be easier? I don't know. Depends on how the relationship goes and how well the five points above are met (they are needed in all relationships but definitely come out more in poly relationships). I had thought about trying to do a LD with a femme but... it didn't quite seem to work (although that might be more due to my schedule being wacky at times). K and I have discussed it and we have figured that it'd be best if it wasn't LD and if it was a couple.

Anyways.. hopefully others will post. I know of one transguy who has two wives and is very happy with that (although life has thrown a huge loop for him thanks to the economy but that's a separate issue).

Oh.. before I forget, The Ethical Slut is a great good and pretty much the poly "Bible". It's a great reference about relationships, even if you don't feel that poly is for you. I'd highly recommend it.

[MrSunshine]

Originally Posted by Linus

I'm actually kind of curious as to why it might make your life/relationships easier and/or more enjoyable?

You must have misread that Linus. I said "I wonder if it would make life/relationships more enjoyable"? I'm just a curious kinda guy

[Linus]

Originally Posted by Deadyboy

You must have misread that Linus. I said "I wonder if it would make life/relationships more enjoyable"? I'm just a curious kinda guy

Ok. Now I'm really confused. The quote I referred from you have above has:


It's something I've thought of more in recent years anyway and wonder if it would make life/relationships easier, more enjoyable?

Either way... it can but it can also make things more difficult. If the expectation that this will solve everything... eh. I dunno. Can it make things easier? In some ways, I think it can (there is a support system around for everyone -- kinda like the concept of a commune in the past). It should result in greater communication and more openness on relationships. A lot of it will depend on how the relationship dynamic is configured.

I do think that it can open up more love opportunities because you can keep your primary relationship while having others that meet the needs that your primary (if you a primary/secondary kind of setup) is unable to or won't meet. It doesn't mean that you love them less but rather that you love them as they are and still have those other needs (whatever they may be) met.

Hopefully that makes sense.

[MrSunshine]

I can see where that might seem vague. I guess I expect you to read my mind Linus. I was really just being curious out loud I suppose.
I don't see it as solving everything per se but I think if, like I said before about the right mix, was there it could be an outstanding situation.
One thing for sure is I can't do chaos. If I can't live in harmony with someone/s I would rather be alone.

[Linus]

Originally Posted by Deadyboy

I can see where that might seem vague. I guess I expect you to read my mind Linus. I was really just being curious out loud I suppose.
I don't see it as solving everything per se but I think if, like I said before about the right mix, was there it could be an outstanding situation.
One thing for sure is I can't do chaos. If I can't live in harmony with someone/s I would rather be alone.

Oh sure. I know quite a few great poly families where this works great.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I know a few poly families where it has worked for them. But the main thing is to talk about it. Communication is key.

[cara]

poly is not for everyone and anyone who thinks it may make your life easier/less complicated is looking through rose-colored glasses. my experiences with poly have been mixed. at this point, i would say its not for me. however, who is to say what the future may hold? trying to keep this message short and to the point since i am posting from my phone. hugs! ~cara

[Linus]

Originally Posted by cara

poly is not for everyone and anyone who thinks it may make your life easier/less complicated is looking through rose-colored glasses. my experiences with poly have been mixed. at this point, i would say its not for me. however, who is to say what the future may hold? trying to keep this message short and to the point since i am posting from my phone. hugs! ~cara

I will agree with that although it applies to any relationship. Some times they work, sometimes.. not so much. Knowing whether it's for you or not is a good thing and an important understanding.

[sharkchomp]

I think one of the biggest challenges with poly relationships is being intimate with someone but not being jealous or possessive (for me). I'm sure there are other issues for people but for myself this is the biggest issue. When I am in a poly relationship I tend to keep someone at a distance to avoid my own personal hang ups (being possessive and jealous).

~~~shark~~~~~~~~

[hippieflowergirl]

Originally Posted by Linus

Interesting. I don't know that it's a new paradigm. I think perhaps it's not a common one that most people think of because often it's associated to Mormon et al. concept of marriage. And it breaks down the traditional view of marriage and/or commitment.

i think it's our north american eurocentrism that makes us believe poly relationships are "new". the majority do tend to think they've invented everything afterall. (unless they despise it of course)

[Write14u]

This is something I've been exploring/reading about for the past year or so. I'll tell you one thing, though. Mention it to some people and they just think you're effing nuts.
In the past year, I've learned that yep, you can deeply love more than one person at the same time, and oh yeah, if both those people want monogamy, you're, umm, just screwed.

I'm looking forward to reading more because I simply just haven't had that much exposure to people who actually are living life poly.

[Miss_J]

I have lived a poly life for the majority of my adult life and it can be an amazing situation when all the right personalities are connected and everyone is on board to making it work. But please don't think its a walk in the park at any point because it takes constant effort to keep on track and up to date with every emotion and fluxuation of emotion.
Envy and jealousy are the two hardest things to keep in check and some situations just become bogged down by those emotions its difficult for anyone to see whats truly going on.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Miss_J

I have lived a poly life for the majority of my adult life and it can be an amazing situation when all the right personalities are connected and everyone is on board to making it work. But please don't think its a walk in the park at any point because it takes constant effort to keep on track and up to date with every emotion and fluxuation of emotion.
Envy and jealousy are the two hardest things to keep in check and some situations just become bogged down by those emotions its difficult for anyone to see whats truly going on.

AMEN............

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

I read the four threads in this area and I couldn't decided which one to put this is but in the long run decided to put it here. It is one of those thinking out loud posts so it is a little long...

I have been doing a lot of honest self-reflection about My life. Trying to examine all of it honestly and that includes My experience as a poly individual and the more recent attempts to be monogamous. I have been in poly relationships since the age of 18. My poly relationships have been along the lines of Dee's experience where W/we all lived under the same roof. Now mind you not all of them worked or was perfect but I did learn with each new experience what type of poly relationships I could and could not be in. I will also be honest that My longest relationship was a poly one, 18 years. Where there were time periods of being lucky enough to have another woman involved and periods of monogamy only because I had not brought someone into the relationship. My first two experiences with being poly involved bio-men but they never touched Me.
The first one was a nightmare beyond belief. However I think there was a few things playing into that for Me, one of which was that a biologically male was involved and the woman I was with did not know the meaning of honesty. I was also very very young 18 to be honest and the poly relationship was not entered into in a proper way, I know that now. It only lasted a year and then only because he was in the Navy and not home for 6 of those months. Keep in mind I was with this woman for about a year before I found out she was actually married to her husband…I told you she truly did not know the meaning of honesty. The second relationship also involved a married couple, male and female, that I lived with. I ended this one because the woman approached Me and said she wanted to leave her husband and was in love with Me. While I was flattered I was not about to be the reason their marriage ended and it was not what the three of us had agreed to at the start. During this time I was defiantly a Top, like being poly it was just in My blood, however I had not officially entered the life style and was not yet a Dom or a Daddy.
Now on the other hand My longest relationship did see the development of Me as Dom and O/our poly experiences only included femmes. L (My ex) was a boi and the only one I have been with so all the other women I brought into the relationship had their own place in the house and with the communication and following of rules and procedures that were put into place at the start of each one It was a very pleasurable experience and I am not referring to just the sex. If it was just about that I sure would not have taken the responsibility of having more than one in My house. I am of the belief not to have more people in My circle then I can at least take care of emotionally, preferably financially and spiritually as well. At the end of O/our relationship the closest I am came to poly was playing with her with the knowledge of anyone I was in the relationship with.
I have tried since then to be monogamous and while I was successful meaning I never cheated on them or left them for someone else I was never really satisfied or happy. Yet I kept trying because so many people told Me being poly was wrong on top of being a Dom was wrong and TG wrong. I really need to move out of the mid-west *laugh*. Then after L ended O/our 23 year friendship in July of this year My whole life changed in a way. Actually in a positive way making Me examine what has happened since 2004 and especially this year allowing Me to also reexamine the poly versus monogamous relationships. I think I could be happy in a mono relationship with the right woman but I feel a part of Me is missing that I am not being true to Myself about.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by AlixKnight4All

I read the four threads in this area and I couldn't decided which one to put this is but in the long run decided to put it here. It is one of those thinking out loud posts so it is a little long...

I have been doing a lot of honest self-reflection about My life. Trying to examine all of it honestly and that includes My experience as a poly individual and the more recent attempts to be monogamous. I have been in poly relationships since the age of 18. My poly relationships have been along the lines of Dee's experience where W/we all lived under the same roof. Now mind you not all of them worked or was perfect but I did learn with each new experience what type of poly relationships I could and could not be in. I will also be honest that My longest relationship was a poly one, 18 years. Where there were time periods of being lucky enough to have another woman involved and periods of monogamy only because I had not brought someone into the relationship. My first two experiences with being poly involved bio-men but they never touched Me.
The first one was a nightmare beyond belief. However I think there was a few things playing into that for Me, one of which was that a biologically male was involved and the woman I was with did not know the meaning of honesty. I was also very very young 18 to be honest and the poly relationship was not entered into in a proper way, I know that now. It only lasted a year and then only because he was in the Navy and not home for 6 of those months. Keep in mind I was with this woman for about a year before I found out she was actually married to her husband…I told you she truly did not know the meaning of honesty. The second relationship also involved a married couple, male and female, that I lived with. I ended this one because the woman approached Me and said she wanted to leave her husband and was in love with Me. While I was flattered I was not about to be the reason their marriage ended and it was not what the three of us had agreed to at the start. During this time I was defiantly a Top, like being poly it was just in My blood, however I had not officially entered the life style and was not yet a Dom or a Daddy.
Now on the other hand My longest relationship did see the development of Me as Dom and O/our poly experiences only included femmes. L (My ex) was a boi and the only one I have been with so all the other women I brought into the relationship had their own place in the house and with the communication and following of rules and procedures that were put into place at the start of each one It was a very pleasurable experience and I am not referring to just the sex. If it was just about that I sure would not have taken the responsibility of having more than one in My house. I am of the belief not to have more people in My circle then I can at least take care of emotionally, preferably financially and spiritually as well. At the end of O/our relationship the closest I am came to poly was playing with her with the knowledge of anyone I was in the relationship with.
I have tried since then to be monogamous and while I was successful meaning I never cheated on them or left them for someone else I was never really satisfied or happy. Yet I kept trying because so many people told Me being poly was wrong on top of being a Dom was wrong and TG wrong. I really need to move out of the mid-west *laugh*. Then after L ended O/our 23 year friendship in July of this year My whole life changed in a way. Actually in a positive way making Me examine what has happened since 2004 and especially this year allowing Me to also reexamine the poly versus monogamous relationships. I think I could be happy in a mono relationship with the right woman but I feel a part of Me is missing that I am not being true to Myself about.

Honesty, if there is ONE iota of dishonesty it all comes out and tears down the foundation. Tiny bits of manipulation (even if not intentional) also tears down the foundation. Syr does NOT do well with even the smallest amount of dishonesty, manipulation or secrets.

Monogamy sounds like a nice break after all you have been through. Hell being single sounds like a nice break too, sorry you've been through so much. This life can certainly take a toll on a person if things are not as they should be.

i don't feel that it is the Dominants responsibility to take care of others' emotional, spiritual and sometimes financial well being. i do feel it's the role of the Dominant to guide us in those things, help us make decisions so that we are self sufficient. We all have a role here around here, Syr is at the helm and certainly does her share of care for all us, which is appreciated greatly. The boi and Syr go back a long time, like 20 years and without that kinship the boi would not be where she is today as Syr has paved the way for her to have the life she has today. Without Syr i would not be here. Even with all of that i don't feel it's her job to do so, but she still does it willingly.

Our job is to try to maintain peace and harmony, and i fail at this sometimes. Syr has her hands full and i never want to add to that.

[JustLovelyJenn]

I'm here, but I am going to watch for a while... support is always something I can do with more of...

[Ms. Meander]

I came here yesterday morning and started to write a post about some of the unpleasant and defensive reactions I'm getting from people as I'm coming out as poly. But then I was called away and never made it back.

Later in the day I had a surprising experience that counterbalanced some of the above negativity. I visited with a friend who is dear to me because she has an open and loving heart. However, our differences are vast. She is older than me, straight, kind of sheltered in her thinking and experiences, definitely vanilla. When she asked about my love life I decided to just spill it all, fully expecting judgement and lack of understanding. But that's not what I got. She was genuinely intrigued. Having unsuccessfully dabbled in poly in her own youth, she has always wondered if there was a way to do it better. And now, she is feeling like she may like to explore it again but had no idea where to start or who she could talk to about it without feeling judged. We talked for hours. It was great for both of us. She got to open her horizons, receive new information, and walked away with resources she could only dream of before. I got to be heard, understood, respected. And I discovered that I'm much more knowledgeable than I give myself credit for.

Because there is some crossover for me, and in some of the resources I directed her to, we broached the topic of BDSM. Now this is something waaaaaayyyyy outside her understanding and comfort zone. Just think about all of the stigmas and judgements of mainstream, vanilla society - that's what she had to work with on the topic. But because she knows me as a kind, loving, and evolved soul it opened her eyes to the possibilities because she could never believe that I would be involved with anything evil or destructive. We talked for hours and it was amazing.

The main take-away for me is the benefit of living openly and honestly. I am learning, as with in other areas of my life also, the more open I am, the more open others are with me. When I speak truth, some people can't wait to speak it back. Yes, there will always be naysayers and those who think I am just plain nuts but the honest connections I'm making with some far outweighs the negative.

[Ms. Meander]

I am curious to hear other people's points of view about kissing on the mouth in regards to polyamorous relationships. For some it is a safer sex issue, for others it is an intimacy issue, and for still others it seems to be no issue at all.

Under what circumstances is it okay or not okay for you and your partners, and why?

[casey35]

I have to admit i have flirted with poly and it seems to work well for those who can share. As I get older I want to find an equal balance and if that can happen with more then one that be nice and if not so be it.