Under 30 - Coming Up and Coming Out

[Zimmeh]

Hey Selenay,

Even though I am over 30, I wanted to post something if that is ok. Growing up, I knew that I was gay and living with my dad who was homophobic, was hard. When I was 28 years old, he passed away and I felt like I could finally be myself. I officially came out to everyone when I was 31 and I have never had any regrets about waiting so long. I was able to find out who I was and what I wanted out of life.

Thanks to you and the Admin for starting this thread.

Have a good night,

Zimmy

[Selenay]

Originally Posted by ZimmygLrL

Hey Selenay,

Even though I am over 30, I wanted to post something if that is ok. Growing up, I knew that I was gay and living with my dad who was homophobic, was hard. When I was 28 years old, he passed away and I felt like I could finally be myself. I officially came out to everyone when I was 31 and I have never had any regrets about waiting so long. I was able to find out who I was and what I wanted out of life.

Thanks to you and the Admin for starting this thread.

Have a good night,

Zimmy

Of course you, and everyone else, are welcome in this thread! We don't check people's ID when they walk in the door I'm very glad that you were able to find peace in yourself, and that you could start your journey.

[cerys]

I always kind of knew that something was up, but I didn't think I was gay because the thought of kissing someone wearing lipstick was SO not an attractive idea to me. See, that's what TV does to you - rots your brain!

I was in college before I ever met a butch, so I was in college before I knew I was gay. That's all it took. She was my roommate my junior year of college for a semester. Yep, I seduced my roommate and then went abroad to China. After that, I knew what I was looking for. Before then, I just had no idea what was out there or what was possible.

[bright_arrow]

I'm sorry for the length of this post. It is late and my train of thought isn't spectacular, so I hope you can follow along.

I was 12 when I realized I liked girls. Sure, I could admit boys were physically good looking, but I was in no way interested in dating them. I grew up in a small town where everyone knows everyone, a school with no diversity (two African American students and three Chinese students, the rest Caucasian) , so being gay was a big no-no.

We moved to Arizona that summer since my father was stationed there, and I told my new group of friends I was bisexual. The guys thought it was cool, and the sister of one of my new friends identified bisexual as well. I was accepted.

Fast forward to our move to Washington (the state, yes I was a military brat). New friends again, I dated a few guys, but had longer and more satisfying relationships with girls. I came out as a lesbian at the age of 13. My parents told me it was a phase.

When I was 17 I told my mother again that I was a lesbian, and that I was dating a girl and had feelings for her beyond the 'friends' feelings. I just remember her not looking at me as I slid down the wall in tears and cried on the floor as she denied me recognition.

At 18, I went to college and met a guy 32 years old. I moved out of my house without telling my family I was leaving and started living my own life. We got engaged, and later on I became pregnant.. After miscarrying a short time later (something I have never told him), I admitted to him I was a lesbian. He told me that he always suspected I was, and gave me a month to move out. We had already been drifting and we were both talking to someone else, so it was a mutual ending. I moved in with my gay boys, later met a girl, and ended up moving in with her.

One day on the phone my mother asked me if I was living with her, and I told her yes. After many many conversations with my mother, and her seeing that I was happy and still had a "normal" life, my mother accepted me being a lesbian, sort of. My father was still against it and tried to pair me up with men regardless.

Now, at the age of 22 and almost 23, both of my parents have embraced it, and me. They no longer try to set me up with men. They absolutely love my girlfriend and her child, and even my father calls her my girlfriend, whether he is talking to me about her or if introducing her to extended family/friends of the family (Shocking, extremely).

So for those who may feel discouraged, sometimes it takes a very long time, just have to roll with the punches and keep ahold of who you are, because only you can live your life and make yourself happy.

Happiness can't be found, it's something you create.

P.S. A big thank you to my little sister, she has been my #1 supporter since I came out at 12 (when she was 6). Try and speak ill of LGBT folk and my sister will kick some serious ass. Anytime my folks would mention guys my sister would say something like "Oops, nope, she's still gay!" I love her.

[bright_arrow]

Originally Posted by cerys

I always kind of knew that something was up, but I didn't think I was gay because the thought of kissing someone wearing lipstick was SO not an attractive idea to me.

Amen to that - Viva la butches!

[Bard]

Just adding my 2 cents worth to this.. I came out at 22 yes a bit ago, when my first Girlfriend had just died in a car accident, needless to say I was a mess only reason I had not been in the car was that the door would not open so I had gone home with our other room mate.. anyway on the phone with my dad dying inside and I just blurted it out to him oh I had been so scared to say anything to him but I worried needlessly he has was supportive and always has been. when others doubt me he never has even jokes that his only daughter is more like him that I got all his charm. I know I am one of the lucky ones and in a way his acceptence makes it not so hard to hide for all the years I have had to being in the military...

[silentshout]

I realized I was gay at 17. (bi around 11 or 12) I've never really came out. I don't see the point. Especially to family. I mean, I don't want them all up in my business. And if straight kids don't have to say anything, then I don't see the reason why I should.

[lipstixgal]

I never knew I was gay until my mid thirties and was married to a man at the time. But pursued a relationship anyway and now I am glad, wish I had someone at this time in my life but hopefully soon I will have a girlfriend who love and cares about me just wish I would have come out sooner...

[Mtn]

Originally Posted by silentshout

I realized I was gay at 17. (bi around 11 or 12) I've never really came out. I don't see the point. Especially to family. I mean, I don't want them all up in my business. And if straight kids don't have to say anything, then I don't see the reason why I should.

I felt the same way for a long time, really until I started seeing women with children and it dawned on me by not coming out I was teaching them homophobia, they knew we weren't "just roommates" but the silence we practiced kept them silent about their lives as well. That was just my experience though.

[Captain Franki]

Originally Posted by cerys

I always kind of knew that something was up, but I didn't think I was gay because the thought of kissing someone wearing lipstick was SO not an attractive idea to me. See, that's what TV does to you - rots your brain!

I was in college before I ever met a butch, so I was in college before I knew I was gay. That's all it took. She was my roommate my junior year of college for a semester. Yep, I seduced my roommate and then went abroad to China. After that, I knew what I was looking for. Before then, I just had no idea what was out there or what was possible.

I totally get this. I'm most attracted to boyish spirits and growing up most girls seemed to be feminine, so i didn't consider it for a long while, and even when i did i didn't think i crushed on any girls (although looking back i suspect an unresolved tension with one friend). I can appreciate feminine women now, but really i'm all about boyish women and gqs. I <3 Bois. After years of straight relationships with boyfriends, I'm looking forward to having queer fun with a boifriend one day.

I suspected bisexuality at 15, came out as Trans* and queer at 19, now at 20 I'm still a newbie.

[Captain Franki]

In the real world find it really hard being new to everything at 20 sometimes.

I feel like everyone else around me has known they were queer all their lives and already figured this shit out. I feel so ignorant and green, or a fraud even.

I don't know how to act and tell myself that everyone expects me to know everything, something.

I'm used to men. I'm used to the world of straight dating. I'm used to cismale bodies.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

It's like going through adolescence all over again.

[AtLast]

Just want to say I am so glad that all of the under 30 folks are here on the Planet. I learn quite a bit from younger generations within queerdom. My life was just different because of my age, but I sure remember a lot of inner confusion. I so hope that some of the paths are easier for our youth. I also know you all will make your unique marks.

And you rawk!!!

[wolfbittenpoet]

I'm 24. It's taken me years not of accepting that I like girls but that I am trans. I was 19 when I finally accepted it. Now I am getting to the point that I am accepting that it is femininity that I like on any sex. I am still often confused and lost but I am willing to ask directions or at least invest in compasses now. I was recently told that my parents thought I was trans as early as age 3 or 4 something to do about crying for days until they bought me a football uniform because I hated the cheerleader one my grandmother had bought. I guess I was just scared to be thought of as even more different.

[DomnNC]

Originally Posted by Captain Franki

In the real world find it really hard being new to everything at 20 sometimes.

I feel like everyone else around me has known they were queer all their lives and already figured this shit out. I feel so ignorant and green, or a fraud even.

I don't know how to act and tell myself that everyone expects me to know everything, something.

I'm used to men. I'm used to the world of straight dating. I'm used to cismale bodies.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

It's like going through adolescence all over again.

Stop putting added pressure on yourself, chuckles. You'll have a little laugh over this perhaps and will see that WE all are always learning each and every day. I'm 53, I'm trans, I've known since I was 5 that I was a boy, I've also always knew from that point that I liked girls, but points to age, that was wayyyyy back many moons ago. I lived in a rural setting, at the time there was no internet, our little town newspaper was 2 pages on a good day, lol. So I was just me, always on the inside I was who I was. Back then going to school, physical females had to wear dresses/skirts to school, oh the many fights my mother and I had over getting dressed in the mornings. Once I got home off those girl clothes came and into my boy clothes, I hated it with a passion. I hated being treated like a girl because I simply was/am not one (not that there's anything wrong with girls/women at all, I happen to love women). It wasn't til 7th grade that girls could wear pants so every other day (compromise with my mama so she thought) I snuck out jeans and a t-shirt to change, on those days, til she finally gave up in the 8th grade. So where I lived out in the boonies I thought I was the only person like me (as far as trans I think there was perhaps one boy in school that was). I had my first real girlfriend in the 7th grade and then a few in high school. My mother caught me kissing my girlfriend when I was 18 and heading into the Army in 2 weeks, lol, so I didn't have to deal with the looks or questions that long. That doesn't mean they don't know about me because they do/did from that point on. I couldn't have asked for more supportive parents who taught me the real meaning of unconditional love. So I kinda learned things, many different things (so I thought) as the years went on.
Now admittedly I never socialized that much within the gay community because I wasn't accepted there, then I got married and we didn't do the bar scene or big group functions because we were both career people and simply didn't have the time. Free time was spent with our circle of friends and family.
Fastforward, most know my wife of 17 years was also my friend of 27 years. She passed away Nov 27th, 2007. So after a few years I finally was directed to this website by a friend Sept 2010.
I promise I'm getting to the point, ya just needed a lil background. The point is this when I joined this site it was somewhat of a culture shock to me, lol, I've never seen so many dang labels, abbreviations, single letters grouped together that apparently meant something to everyone else but me!
So I've kinda muddled along, looked things up, if I couldn't find what it meant I'd ask someone, lol. So I'm kinda like in the position you feel you are in now as I'm learning a whole new culture as well and I'm 53! So don't get disheartened, don't be afraid to ask about things, the only stupid question as they say are the unasked ones. You'll be learning all your life so don't put so much pressure on yourself. Just be who you are at the moment, we're all allowed to change and grow. To stop doing so would mean life would be stagnant and boring. Enjoy the lessons, take from them what you may and apply to your own life or disgard it. There's no template, we all walk our own paths. Good luck and have fun with life because you never know when it will end.

[Soon]

The New York Times embarked on the project “Coming Out” as an effort to better understand this generation’s realities and expectations, and to give teenagers their own voice in the conversation.

The Times spoke with or e-mailed nearly 100 gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender teenagers from all of parts of the country — from rural areas to urban centers, from supportive environments to hostile ones. The newspaper contacted them through various advocacy groups, as well as through social networking sites like YouTube, Twitter and Facebook.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/23/us/23out.html

[silkepus]

Originally Posted by Captain Franki

In the real world find it really hard being new to everything at 20 sometimes.

I feel like everyone else around me has known they were queer all their lives and already figured this shit out. I feel so ignorant and green, or a fraud even.

I don't know how to act and tell myself that everyone expects me to know everything, something.

I'm used to men. I'm used to the world of straight dating. I'm used to cismale bodies.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

It's like going through adolescence all over again.

This is exactley how I feel at the moment, all of it.

Everyone seem to have been out since they where teens and even dated then. I have just turned 24 and I only recently was able to call myself a lesbian and not feel like the whole world was going to collapse if I did.

I have no idea what Im doing either. I have been with men before, and it was so easy I hardly had to do anything I dont even know where to meet gay women. How does that even work?

[odd_boi_out]

I started identifying as a lesbian when I was 14. I knew I was "different" way before then, but didn't have the words to articulate how I was feeling. I attributed my lack of interest in boys to the fact that I had a twin brother - boys were not "mysterious" to me in the same way they were to my friends. In middle school I started thinking of myself as asexual. I didn't know at the time that was an actual identity term people used for themselves, but I did know the word from biology class (asexual reproduction), and figured that since I wasn't interested in boys, I must not be a sexual person at all. I assumed that all girls felt the way I did about other girls. Being gay was not even a possibility that entered my head.

Summer before high school started, I went to Girl Scout camp and listened to a lot of music by the Indigo Girls. I got home from camp, horribly campsick, and went out to the record store to find an Indigo Girls CD to remind me of camp. Their CDs often included a list of organizations they supported, and I started searching online for those organizations; one thing led to the next and I found myself stumbling into queer community online and realizing there were other people like me.

Simultaneously, I started high school and developed an enormous crush on a girl who sang with me in choir. I hated myself for it and wished it would go away. It took me a year of agony and denial to finally admit to myself that this wasn't a phase, that I actually was gay. And due to the conservative and religious environment I grew up and went to school in, I didn't start coming out to anyone until I was 17.

Around that time, though, I also started to question my gender identity. I didn't have the words for what it meant to be transgender until I was almost 18, but had long felt extreme discomfort with my body and could never really picture myself growing up to be a woman. I came out as trans at 19, yet struggled with that for a while, because I never fully identified as male, either. Now at almost 25 I happily inhabit a rather uncomfortable but familiar space between butch lesbian and FTM.