Poly Relationships

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you!

you can be the momi and I'll be the daddi! Together we can have lots of boi's and girls. I'm not sure if it's just my natural dominance or what but I have all this masculine energy!

I think for me a poly family would be within the structure of D/s. I would need to be in control and the people I'm involved with would need to enjoy/need my direction. I view myself a lot like Dee's Syr in that I am more a femme daddi type who looks over her children/slave/pets.

I can be aloof and seem distant at times. This is hard for someone submissive who adores me and always looking for my approval or attention. It's just who i am. In my mind I am focused, thinking, fueling my drive and building our home & future. I am an excellent provider but I need space to refuel. I think it would be nice for my primary to have a sister or brother- so to speak. Someone they can talk to, hang out with, share and play. I am definitely open to this, however the first sign of drama I'm afraid I'd blow my top. I have friends who are tops in poly arrangements who have complex situations arise. Mostly slaves teaming up and displaying passive aggressive behavior. I can handle mistakes and someone in a crappy mood but the first moment someone displays passive aggressive behavior or a bad attitude I distance myself and they have to jump through major hoops to get my attention again. If it continues I show them the door.


IMO, from what I have seen in MY circles, poly relationships seem to work best within a D/s framework or at least when there is a natural order to things.

[MsBluem]

I've been very vocal about my poly status since 2011. My best friend and I dated exclusively for just short of a year and when we split, we still kept most of the aspects of our relationship, it just transitioned naturally into a partnership that was more open. Now he's starting to embrace seeing other people and credits me with a lot of his understanding. He's really the only man I could see myself dating.

[giggleluver]

Challenges seem to be of the nature in poly relationships...but I tend to meet challenges head on.and with a smile. I hope to eventually meet a couple or become part of a permanent triad...It's not just about the sex but about the family dynamic...I am only just now understanding this need. I have been in the poly life style in some way 6 years but keep hitting walls with people who are inexperienced in dealing with the issues that arise (immaturity) or find partners who pick mates who have jealousy issues, or just don't like sharing...I really hate getting attached and having my heart broken...twice

[D Phryxus]

I am still growing, developing, evolving when it comes how I practice poly. I see this as a good thing since stagnation only leads to toxicity...in my opinion.

I've been poly since I got married...well, I guess you could say I've always been poly but didn't actually attempt to have multiple relationships until I was married. My hubs has had multiple relationships off and on since he realized "Oh that's a girl and I like them." He used to be a whore and now he claims the title heteroflexible ethical slut and we're happy with his choice.

He encouraged me to try out poly when we married because he knew I was bi and knew I had never actually had any sort of intimate relationship with another woman.
Out first choice was bad...very bad. She was the first of many to inform me I was "sexually unattractive" after 3-6 months of a sexual relationship and follow it up with a request to only date my husband (to his credit, he told them no).

We decided to date separately for the most part now in order to avoid any attempt another woman might have in thinking they can play around with me in order to get to him.

Lately my challenges are in being open to trusting my own gut instincts, working out schedules, and dealing with the community at large.

This last part is mostly in not responding to all the irritating nonsense I hear or read. Today was a prime example: I have read from one person online that Poly people should not get married and those that are shouldn't really ever be trusted because they are committing adultery and breaking vows to forsake all others. -insert row of expletives here-
This was right after a discussion on a forum about Poly break ups and agreeing that telling me, after my long term girlfriend leaves, that I should be ok because I have another partner is like telling a parent who loses their child that they should be ok because they have others.

Anyways...that was a longer post than I meant to open with on here.

[Mel C.]

Nice post D Phryxus.

People seem to like dictating what is right/wrong for everyone else. I wasnt raised to be a homosexual...or butch...or kinky...or poly. Took a long time to realize I don't have to live by everyone else's rules. Sometimes I back step a little, but really, it isn't up to someone else to decide what Kind of relationships I have. Now if I could only find some like-minded people.....

[D Phryxus]

Originally Posted by Mel C.

Now if I could only find some like-minded people.....

I think that is the major difficulty/goal/fun of poly is finding those people ^_^

[uniquetobeme]

I am a member of a LGBT group on FB and someone posted a tread asking people to post how they identify and if they were single or taken. I am feeling a bit irritated and invisible that poly is rarely an option, so I asked, 'what about the polyamorous folks' and someone replied that is was "Not normal' and some other stuff, maybe I asked for it by putting it out there, but it kinda hurt my feelings. The group admins addressed it, but I still feel kinda blah about it so I'm venting here. I usually just let stuff I see on FB go, unless I have PMS, so I must have PMS, which greatly lowers my tolerance for ignorance and meanness.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by uniquetobeme

I am a member of a LGBT group on FB and someone posted a tread asking people to post how they identify and if they were single or taken. I am feeling a bit irritated and invisible that poly is rarely an option, so I asked, 'what about the polyamorous folks' and someone replied that is was "Not normal' and some other stuff, maybe I asked for it by putting it out there, but it kinda hurt my feelings. The group admins addressed it, but I still feel kinda blah about it so I'm venting here. I usually just let stuff I see on FB go, unless I have PMS, so I must have PMS, which greatly lowers my tolerance for ignorance and meanness.

you are normal..don't be hurt..if some don't feel it normal..inform, include, be nice, be your authentic self

[Mel C.]

Originally Posted by uniquetobeme

I am a member of a LGBT group on FB and someone posted a tread asking people to post how they identify and if they were single or taken. I am feeling a bit irritated and invisible that poly is rarely an option, so I asked, 'what about the polyamorous folks' and someone replied that is was "Not normal' and some other stuff, maybe I asked for it by putting it out there, but it kinda hurt my feelings. The group admins addressed it, but I still feel kinda blah about it so I'm venting here. I usually just let stuff I see on FB go, unless I have PMS, so I must have PMS, which greatly lowers my tolerance for ignorance and meanness.

I'm thinking the difference between "not normal" and "not the norm" was lost on the person who replied. Then again, "the norm" has different definitions depending on which dictionary you use. Regardless, poly is in the minority and some people have no tolerance for anything with which they aren't familiar. I'm glad the admins addressed it. Maybe you can feel a little better being "normal" in this thread. Who wants to be normal anyway. I want to be spectacular!

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by uniquetobeme

I am a member of a LGBT group on FB and someone posted a tread asking people to post how they identify and if they were single or taken. I am feeling a bit irritated and invisible that poly is rarely an option, so I asked, 'what about the polyamorous folks' and someone replied that is was "Not normal' and some other stuff, maybe I asked for it by putting it out there, but it kinda hurt my feelings. The group admins addressed it, but I still feel kinda blah about it so I'm venting here. I usually just let stuff I see on FB go, unless I have PMS, so I must have PMS, which greatly lowers my tolerance for ignorance and meanness.

Let me get this, err, straight. Someone in an LGBT group tried to tell you that your ID wasn't NORMAL?! When the eff did an LGBT group become NORMAL? The point of being in an LGBT group is that we are decidedly not normal, and therefore require a group of likeminded people with which we can bond.

Sheesh!

[uniquetobeme]

I really wanted a sister bond, but it ended up feeling like I had to compete, and I didn't like it at all! My wife and I rarely argue, are kind and loving toward one another and I've worked hard to get through previous baggage and be able to be a partner in a healthy relationship. There was yelling, tension, manipulation and I didn't feel comfortable or safe in that situation. It is nice to see that other people have those bonds. I wanted a loving sister bond, not sibling rivalry!

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by uniquetobeme

I really wanted a sister bond, but it ended up feeling like I had to compete, and I didn't like it at all! My wife and I rarely argue, are kind and loving toward one another and I've worked hard to get through previous baggage and be able to be a partner in a healthy relationship. There was yelling, tension, manipulation and I didn't feel comfortable or safe in that situation. It is nice to see that other people have those bonds. I wanted a loving sister bond, not sibling rivalry!

i have learned through experience, the hard way, that the sister (or sister- brother which was REALLY tough) bond is even more challenging to maintain the the D/s. i now have boundaries and limits on what i will discuss and answer to, and i am learning to enforce the boundaries. My sister would need to do the same. Sharing too much info can be disastrous.

The other is the sisters have to be honest about their feelings. Trying to hide them, for any reason can bring on festering and then explosions.

Also, i feel it is the responsibility of the sisters to do the best they can to keep the drama away, and handle themselves accordingly. In other words i don't want my Dom having to referee sibling spats that could be avoided.

it is also a very beautiful connection.

[Linus]

Originally Posted by violaine

hi linus

i am going to respond to the sentences below in separate lines, please.


When we think of our lives we love a lot of people for a variety of reasons (e.g., siblings, friends, parents, etc).

yes, i do believe that for people with siblings/parents/friends- a variety of love can exist.



We do not deny our love for them because we decide who should only love one friend or one parent or one sibling, etc.

again, yes- but the type of relationship i would know with a parent/sibling may differ quite a lot dynamics-wise from how i relate to friends, or a person with whom i want to be close to sexually even more so than family or friendships. friendships may turn into relationships or just remain on a platonic level.

True but you do not love one sibling only and not the other, do you? It is a different love than what you have for friends, lovers etc. But it is still love, no?

So why do we limit our deeper loves for only one? (work/busy schedule and other stuff aside).

i can only write that i would not consciously set out to place how much love exists for my relationships family/friends/partner. however, i do have a comment about "unconditional love" - in general, and as i read and relate them to your "5" below.

i have set boundaries in my relationships- family/friends/partner. not exactly unconditonal if there are lines drawn.

thinking about a poly relationship involving clear-cut conversations [defined]and mutual decision-making, et c. how do these go hand in hand with a limitless love [involving more than two people at a time] ?

i understand respect, fairness, communication- listening/talking, honesty, and so on. the term "unconditonal love" throws me because it seems [to me] there's an implication of purity/without limits/perfection/unquestionable- love.


best,
belle

My apologies. Unconditional love wasn't the right term I was thinking of. Unlimited love, perhaps? The idea that love isn't kept to one person is what I was poorly attempting to get at. Boundaries certainly are needed (e.g., will not accept abuse). But limiting ourselves to just one person to get more than platonic love can be limiting.

Does this mean everyone should do it? No. I don't believe we're all hardwired for this nor do we all experience the same history to be able to do this. But it is there for those who do feel it can be part of their lives.