Poly Relationships

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by FemmeWriter

This is a rough subject for me. I've always known myself to be monogomous, with no judgment held toward poly-anything. My sister is poly and it's nothing new or shocking to me. What consenting adults do is their business. Part of me even envied her the freedom.

But now I'm in a marriage where, thanks to fighting and emotional roller-coaster riding, our passion is pretty much nil. This is a problem that doesn't seem to be getting better and so we've opened the relationship, both to allow her an avenue to express her past needs to cheat (in prior relationships) and my need to not retire sexually at 37.

We love each other. We've promised super discretion--a tactic that has worked for friends for over a decade--and yet I'm mourning as if I've lost my relationship. My brain tells me that being poly is fine. But I can't get over that this isn't where I wanted to be at this point in my life.

I suppose I'll change my mind once I meet someone I'd be willing to be intimate with, but like I said, I have to mourn first, and THEN get on with my life.

So I appreciate all the advice here. It's given me a lot to think about.

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you!

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you!

This is what I feel is Polyamory. Not committed by marriage to partners but totally in love with them, sex or no sex.

We also live in the kink world so play comes into play. When we play together as a family, wow the bond even stronger.

I keep sayin, the family that plays together stays together.

[FemmeWriter]

Thanks, all, for the wisdom. I agree...poly-anything isn't going to fix a broken relationship. We've talked and I made my discomfort known and flat out admitted that having an open relationship isn't where we need to be right now. I don't want it and neither does she. If we did, it would be more because we've stopped caring, in a sense, and what good is that? So we've closed that door and instead will work on repairing the dings and dents we've both created.

Thanks for the support. It really helped soothe my battered spirit.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by FemmeWriter

Thanks, all, for the wisdom. I agree...poly-anything isn't going to fix a broken relationship. We've talked and I made my discomfort known and flat out admitted that having an open relationship isn't where we need to be right now. I don't want it and neither does she. If we did, it would be more because we've stopped caring, in a sense, and what good is that? So we've closed that door and instead will work on repairing the dings and dents we've both created.

Thanks for the support. It really helped soothe my battered spirit.

I hope everything works out! Take care of you first!

[DamonK]

We are poly.

I have another person as well as MBE.

MBE is looking for another.

For us, it is not critical that we all have a relationship. We all have to get along, meaning her partners and me and vice versa.

Let's just say I'm dating X and she's dating Y. We want everyone to get along, but right now, we're not necessarily looking for a family situation.

Are there a couple of people that we could see in our family? Absolutely.

For us, we know that we cannot fill the other's needs entirely. She's my slave. I cannot be her Daddy. Therefore, that's what she's looking for. She knows the energy that I have fulfilled in my separate relationship and is fine with it.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by DamonK

We are poly.

I have another person as well as MBE.

MBE is looking for another.

For us, it is not critical that we all have a relationship. We all have to get along, meaning her partners and me and vice versa.

Let's just say I'm dating X and she's dating Y. We want everyone to get along, but right now, we're not necessarily looking for a family situation.

Are there a couple of people that we could see in our family? Absolutely.

For us, we know that we cannot fill the other's needs entirely. She's my slave. I cannot be her Daddy. Therefore, that's what she's looking for. She knows the energy that I have fulfilled in my separate relationship and is fine with it.

Hi Damon !

I think it's great that you can do this. It takes a great deal of maturity and
patience, and security to do this.

I think it takes a great deal of love and security to say "I'm not Daddi/Mommy/Sir/Mistress etc, so if you find that outside of us I am
Ok with that" I know it's not as simple as that but getting to that point
is pretty mature.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by FemmeWriter

Thanks, all, for the wisdom. I agree...poly-anything isn't going to fix a broken relationship. We've talked and I made my discomfort known and flat out admitted that having an open relationship isn't where we need to be right now. I don't want it and neither does she. If we did, it would be more because we've stopped caring, in a sense, and what good is that? So we've closed that door and instead will work on repairing the dings and dents we've both created.

Thanks for the support. It really helped soothe my battered spirit.

if sexual passion was there once it can be again. It always requires some work. Like a plant it can't exist without being nourished. Sometimes you gotta dig real deep and find things to awaken. Forget about the pressure of orgasm but focus on the lighthearted joy of intimacy, adventure and exploring something new. It took some time to create this distance and it will take time to repair it.

get a little wild with each other.

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Apocalipstic

I am very attracted to the idea of poly and with the right people think it could work really well for me. I also was in a long term relationship where we added a third person and it was wonderful for a while until the problems in the initial relationship reared their head.

If you are turned off due to someone elses behavior adding someone is not going to make you more attracted to that person, its going to make you obsessed with the first person who is sweet to you...and maybe that is what needs to happen.

Either it will work, or it will end your now relationship with more drama because more people will be involved.

But it can and does work for some people. Healthy people who have not already stopped having sex due to resentment and anger.

I always have enjoyed living in a plural setting where I am the Momi. Always been happiest when its ended up like that even without sex involved or sex with one or two of the people. I never at the time called it poly, but thats what it was.

Whatever you decide to do remember to take really good care of you!

you can be the momi and I'll be the daddi! Together we can have lots of boi's and girls. I'm not sure if it's just my natural dominance or what but I have all this masculine energy!

I think for me a poly family would be within the structure of D/s. I would need to be in control and the people I'm involved with would need to enjoy/need my direction. I view myself a lot like Dee's Syr in that I am more a femme daddi type who looks over her children/slave/pets.

I can be aloof and seem distant at times. This is hard for someone submissive who adores me and always looking for my approval or attention. It's just who i am. In my mind I am focused, thinking, fueling my drive and building our home & future. I am an excellent provider but I need space to refuel. I think it would be nice for my primary to have a sister or brother- so to speak. Someone they can talk to, hang out with, share and play. I am definitely open to this, however the first sign of drama I'm afraid I'd blow my top. I have friends who are tops in poly arrangements who have complex situations arise. Mostly slaves teaming up and displaying passive aggressive behavior. I can handle mistakes and someone in a crappy mood but the first moment someone displays passive aggressive behavior or a bad attitude I distance myself and they have to jump through major hoops to get my attention again. If it continues I show them the door.


IMO, from what I have seen in MY circles, poly relationships seem to work best within a D/s framework or at least when there is a natural order to things.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Sachita

you can be the momi and I'll be the daddi! Together we can have lots of boi's and girls. I'm not sure if it's just my natural dominance or what but I have all this masculine energy!

I think for me a poly family would be within the structure of D/s. I would need to be in control and the people I'm involved with would need to enjoy/need my direction. I view myself a lot like Dee's Syr in that I am more a femme daddi type who looks over her children/slave/pets.

I can be aloof and seem distant at times. This is hard for someone submissive who adores me and always looking for my approval or attention. It's just who i am. In my mind I am focused, thinking, fueling my drive and building our home & future. I am an excellent provider but I need space to refuel. I think it would be nice for my primary to have a sister or brother- so to speak. Someone they can talk to, hang out with, share and play. I am definitely open to this, however the first sign of drama I'm afraid I'd blow my top. I have friends who are tops in poly arrangements who have complex situations arise. Mostly slaves teaming up and displaying passive aggressive behavior. I can handle mistakes and someone in a crappy mood but the first moment someone displays passive aggressive behavior or a bad attitude I distance myself and they have to jump through major hoops to get my attention again. If it continues I show them the door.


IMO, from what I have seen in MY circles, poly relationships seem to work best within a D/s framework or at least when there is a natural order to things.

Exactly! Syr is, and has been the alpha at all times, no matter what. That is the natural order. That is not to say we do not have a voice, of course we do, and She consults us on issues all the time. Sometimes I realize that She is actually informing me, not asking me until I hear *I didn't ask for your opinion, but thank you *

She is a female identified butch. We are all *she* including Syr and the bois. It's feels very natural to me. This family has evolved over a period of 20 years, well before the inception of BF forums and Second Life dictating what labels we *should be* using to describe masculine women. It feels right for me being in a Matriarchal family.

We do not have what I call *drama*, we each have issues yes of course. We all evolve of course, we act accordingly. We give each other space to grow with Syr's guidance. There is no attitudes towards each other here, and if something is bothering us we talk about it. Some times it's just a personality quirk that we have to deal with, (aka "get the fuck over it") and sometimes it's a real issue that has to be addressed. You have to have personalities in the household that are gracious and respectful. Immature and self centered people would not do well here. Sometimes a shit stirrer can be the one who seems like the most loyal and respectful, that's not always the case. Sometimes people have an agenda. That would never fly here.

Syr expects us to handle ourselves with each other without Her needing to intervene, and we do. She also knows that a calm household is a happy household and facilitates that.

My Sister wife and I also work together. She graciously hired me to work in her clinic doing bodywork, which adds a very unusual dynamic. She is the boss at work and I respect that, and enjoy it. I get to show up, take care of my clients, and go home. I do have a voice there and stand my ground when I need to, as I would any other job. I contribute to the household finances and receive an allowance from Syr like I always have. If I need anything of course, it comes out of the *pot* which we all contribute to. We are very blessed here financially, but it doesn't come without the work that it takes to make it so. I am learning to ask for things when I want them and not feel like a burden, always something new to learn!

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Exactly! Syr is, and has been the alpha at all times, no matter what. That is the natural order. That is not to say we do not have a voice, of course we do, and She consults us on issues all the time. Sometimes I realize that She is actually informing me, not asking me until I hear *I didn't ask for your opinion, but thank you *

She is a female identified butch. We are all *she* including Syr and the bois. It's feels very natural to me. This family has evolved over a period of 20 years, well before the inception of BF forums and Second Life dictating what labels we *should be* using to describe masculine women. It feels right for me being in a Matriarchal family.

We do not have what I call *drama*, we each have issues yes of course. We all evolve of course, we act accordingly. We give each other space to grow with Syr's guidance. There is no attitudes towards each other here, and if something is bothering us we talk about it. Some times it's just a personality quirk that we have to deal with, (aka "get the fuck over it") and sometimes it's a real issue that has to be addressed. You have to have personalities in the household that are gracious and respectful. Immature and self centered people would not do well here. Sometimes a shit stirrer can be the one who seems like the most loyal and respectful, that's not always the case. Sometimes people have an agenda. That would never fly here.

Syr expects us to handle ourselves with each other without Her needing to intervene, and we do. She also knows that a calm household is a happy household and facilitates that.

My Sister wife and I also work together. She graciously hired me to work in her clinic doing bodywork, which adds a very unusual dynamic. She is the boss at work and I respect that, and enjoy it. I get to show up, take care of my clients, and go home. I do have a voice there and stand my ground when I need to, as I would any other job. I contribute to the household finances and receive an allowance from Syr like I always have. If I need anything of course, it comes out of the *pot* which we all contribute to. We are very blessed here financially, but it doesn't come without the work that it takes to make it so. I am learning to ask for things when I want them and not feel like a burden, always something new to learn!

Matriarchal family is exactly the reason.

more later

[Sachita]

I see myself definitely in a matriarchal family where I am alpha and very much as you described Dee. There has to be a spiritual element even if that is unconditional love and devotion. For me to care for, control, own, etc. I must have the exchange of complete control and devotion. In order for me to orchestrate the entire family dynamic I must be informed of how each person feels, thinks and monitor/own their movement. I enjoy full control- mind, body and soul. The more control one gives me the more I flourish. Some don't want the responsibility where I thrive on it. It would be the only way I would agree to a poly household. In fact at this point the only type of relationship I seek. It doesnt have to have bdsm, outward kinky play, although that would be nice, but more importantly a highly spiritual female led dynamic.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Sachita

I see myself definitely in a matriarchal family where I am alpha and very much as you described Dee. There has to be a spiritual element even if that is unconditional love and devotion. For me to care for, control, own, etc. I must have the exchange of complete control and devotion. In order for me to orchestrate the entire family dynamic I must be informed of how each person feels, thinks and monitor/own their movement. I enjoy full control- mind, body and soul. The more control one gives me the more I flourish. Some don't want the responsibility where I thrive on it. It would be the only way I would agree to a poly household. In fact at this point the only type of relationship I seek. It doesnt have to have bdsm, outward kinky play, although that would be nice, but more importantly a highly spiritual female led dynamic.

Those are wonderful attributes of a great Master IMO. Our energy in this house, which we thrive on is M/s and for Syr and I also D/g. It is very powerful and I feel that I am under an umbrella of protection and caring.

I am expected to say what is on my mind if asked, I am not allowed to withhold, and Syr had to learn to be ready for me to unload. Without the prompting I won't say anything, and that is not good. My feelings are never dismissed although I may be told I am over reacting or to put my focus elsewhere. I have gone to my Syr for years for things in my life, only now, they directly affect Her, so much has changed.

My Syr is responsible for me. Not once has She ever made me feel like a burden or a bother, She has pulled Her hair out at times, but that's part of the life here lol. I am also expected to take care of Her property by eating well ( an ongoing struggle) and feeling fulfilled in all facets.

We started out long distance in a wonderful D/s, it was perfect for us both at the time and it just kinda happened. She has been my rock since then. My sister has and is a great mentor for me, that will always be I feel.

[kissinfemme]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Those are wonderful attributes of a great Master IMO. Our energy in this house, which we thrive on is M/s and for Syr and I also D/g. It is very powerful and I feel that I am under an umbrella of protection and caring.

I am expected to say what is on my mind if asked, I am not allowed to withhold, and Syr had to learn to be ready for me to unload. Without the prompting I won't say anything, and that is not good. My feelings are never dismissed although I may be told I am over reacting or to put my focus elsewhere. I have gone to my Syr for years for things in my life, only now, they directly affect Her, so much has changed.

My Syr is responsible for me. Not once has She ever made me feel like a burden or a bother, She has pulled Her hair out at times, but that's part of the life here lol. I am also expected to take care of Her property by eating well ( an ongoing struggle) and feeling fulfilled in all facets.

We started out long distance in a wonderful D/s, it was perfect for us both at the time and it just kinda happened. She has been my rock since then. My sister has and is a great mentor for me, that will always be I feel.

I've thought about poly for a long time, unsure if that was a road I wanted to travel but.... with the way Dee has described her happy family life I would love to have/be a part of something wonderful like that and think I would do very well & thrive with that dynamic. Hmmm....