Poly Relationships

Mel C. · 08-31-2014, 11:55 PM

Nice post D Phryxus.

People seem to like dictating what is right/wrong for everyone else. I wasnt raised to be a homosexual...or butch...or kinky...or poly. Took a long time to realize I don't have to live by everyone else's rules. Sometimes I back step a little, but really, it isn't up to someone else to decide what Kind of relationships I have. Now if I could only find some like-minded people.....

D Phryxus · 09-01-2014, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel C.

Now if I could only find some like-minded people.....

I think that is the major difficulty/goal/fun of poly is finding those people ^_^

Mel C. · 09-03-2014, 11:41 AM

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06...relationships/

Thoughts?

Mel C. · 09-03-2014, 06:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel C.

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06...relationships/

Thoughts?

Hmmmm...I thought the article had good information whether a person is monogamous or polyamorous. Learning to follow the rules (I prefer "guidelines") is not simple IMHO.

feminality · 09-03-2014, 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel C.

Hmmmm...I thought the article had good information whether a person is monogamous or polyamorous. Learning to follow the rules (I prefer "guidelines") is not simple IMHO.

The Information in the article was great ... I find though that many of the rules or "guidelines", if applied to everyday life makes for happier
interpersonal relationships all the way around . *S*

Loren_Q · 09-04-2014, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mel C.

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06...relationships/

Thoughts?

I disliked the opening quote because, to me, it smacks of "poly is more evolved" and I think that sentiment is crap. I've seen very healthy monogamy and piss-poor poly. It's not the relationship style that's evolved, it's the people in the relationship. Okay, let me get off my soapbox now.

Like Mel, I think these 'rules' are good for any relationship or for a single person.

I think the idea of knowing what you want, what is realistic and the 'why' behind your 'what' is paramount in all relationships.

So overall I liked the article but not so much the opening quote.

CherylNYC · 09-04-2014, 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Loren_Q

I disliked the opening quote because, to me, it smacks of "poly is more evolved" and I think that sentiment is crap. I've seen very healthy monogamy and piss-poor poly. It's not the relationship style that's evolved, it's the people in the relationship. Okay, let me get off my soapbox now.

Like Mel, I think these 'rules' are good for any relationship or for a single person.

I think the idea of knowing what you want, what is realistic and the 'why' behind your 'what' is paramount in all relationships.

So overall I liked the article but not so much the opening quote.

I think the point is less that poly relationships are more evolved than that the people involved in them MUST be significantly more evolved than the average presumptively monogamous couple in order to have a successful relationship(s). Like Loren I've seen very poor poly, indeed. The people involved might have been capable of reasonably successful monogamous relationships, but once the fault lines start multiplying in geometric proportions each time they add a new challenge, such as a new partner, their relationships become untenable.

Mel C. · 09-10-2014, 12:53 AM

I was recently asked to explain the difference between poly, an open relationship and "whoring" around (not my word). Although they are different in my mind, I had difficulty finding the right words to adequately explain my perspective. Poly means different things to different people but my interpretation is that it is when there is a non exclusive relationship in which one or both individuals have additional relationships (not necessarily sexual) intended to be long term. In contrast, an "open" relationship involves partners who are non monogamous but the additional participants don't necessarily involve a goal of long term relationships and are primarily sexual in nature. "Whoring" around implies to me that there is no relationship, just sex with anyone/everyone.

So...what are your thoughts?

imperfect_cupcake · 09-10-2014, 02:26 AM

There are a bajillion ways to be non-monogamous and poly.

I have been mostly non-monogamous. Which means I have a partner, but I am *emotionally* monogamous with them. I have casual sex with others. I have also had non-monogamous relationship where the other person has had long term casual sex partners (one of 20 years) but they had zero interest in having a romantic relationship with each other. They were friends with occasional benefits maybe once a month to 6 weeks.

I have had polyamorous relationships where my partner is still my emotional beloved. And other partners I have cared very much for, but not been in love with. I find it very difficult to be in love with more than one person at a time. I love them, just not *in* love with them. I have certain boundaries I keep in place with them in terms of ensuring my partner has felt safe and secure in their position (I don't have pic nics with them, that special item is saved for my primary and I don't call any of them Daddy. Just her). I did not expect they would last forever and thus I did not emotionally invest in them as much as I did my primary, whom I wanted to last a life time.

I'm a life time kinda gal. I try.

I've been in polyfidelity relationships and those I really enjoyed. two of them. All of us were sexual and romantically involved with each other and I rarely felt taxed like I do in other relationships. And I really liked the dynamic.

Multiprimaries where everyone has equal time and equal importance... not so much. I'm open to it, but I find it very hard to believe everyone will last (my own shit, me me me). If I can't see it lasting, I won't connect in that deeper way. I can't connect. It's just too hard for me.

I personally can’t see the equal time and energy thing happening with two butch doms who aren’t close friends with each other. All I see is a nightmare of being pulled into two (or more - augh!) directions of competing needs. Shudder.

One person, for me, will always wind up pulling out in front of the other in terms of importance unless I'm in a triangle relationship. I have very limited time and very limited energy and it's just how I work, emotionally. Same goes with friends - the friends who give me more time and energy, the more I will give back to them and with my very limited spare time due to school, if there is competing needs, I'm going to give them to the one I get the most support and care from and that I trust most.

Even in my house I like one cat more than the others. I love them all, but Spakle Pants is my devoted kitteh. She follows me around the house, adores me to smithereens. She gets to sleep on my bed, and because of fighting, which I don't allow on the bed, the others have to sleep in the baskets. One tends to sleep with my flat mate and the others claim the baskets or couches.

These are my flat mates cats by the way.

I play favourites. I love knowing lots of people but if I gave them all my equal attention, I'd weep. Doesn't happen. For me, it's kind of like ballroom dancing... if I practice with one partner more than the others, the skill levels I can reach are much higher as a team. doesnt mean I don't like dancing with others, my best dance partner will be the one I put the most effort, time, practice and energy into.

But that's how I work.

"whoring" around I call "casual dating". Or "free agent"
Sex to me does not mean auto-commitment. I can casually date, have sex with my dates, and not be committed to anyone. That really is how I see casual dating. I was in that head space for almost 3 years after my exwife took off. I wanted friendship and sex and hanging out but no "lets see if we can make this last." It's only been the last person I dated that I wanted to actually make a provisional "lets see what maybe happens, no promises" with. To me that dips a partial toe into a kind of loose form of possible and provisional lower-level quasi-commitment, but with both of us still able to date others. Unfortunately, she wasn't in same headspace. It happens.

Some people call it "free agent poly" but that's just west coast blah blah to me for casual dating and sex.

giggleluver · 06-03-2015, 02:25 PM

just saying hello, it's been a while since I've been here.

09-10-2014, 12:53 AM	#8
Mel C. Long-time Member How Do You Identify?: WIB - woman identified butch Preferred Pronoun?: Your choice...not really a button for me Relationship Status: ♡ married 1/1/2019♡ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: San Diego Posts: 2,149 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,772 Thanked 6,828 Times in 1,621 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Things that make you go hmmmmmm... I was recently asked to explain the difference between poly, an open relationship and "whoring" around (not my word). Although they are different in my mind, I had difficulty finding the right words to adequately explain my perspective. Poly means different things to different people but my interpretation is that it is when there is a non exclusive relationship in which one or both individuals have additional relationships (not necessarily sexual) intended to be long term. In contrast, an "open" relationship involves partners who are non monogamous but the additional participants don't necessarily involve a goal of long term relationships and are primarily sexual in nature. "Whoring" around implies to me that there is no relationship, just sex with anyone/everyone. So...what are your thoughts?

09-10-2014, 02:26 AM	#9
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,711 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	There are a bajillion ways to be non-monogamous and poly. I have been mostly non-monogamous. Which means I have a partner, but I am emotionally monogamous with them. I have casual sex with others. I have also had non-monogamous relationship where the other person has had long term casual sex partners (one of 20 years) but they had zero interest in having a romantic relationship with each other. They were friends with occasional benefits maybe once a month to 6 weeks. I have had polyamorous relationships where my partner is still my emotional beloved. And other partners I have cared very much for, but not been in love with. I find it very difficult to be in love with more than one person at a time. I love them, just not in love with them. I have certain boundaries I keep in place with them in terms of ensuring my partner has felt safe and secure in their position (I don't have pic nics with them, that special item is saved for my primary and I don't call any of them Daddy. Just her). I did not expect they would last forever and thus I did not emotionally invest in them as much as I did my primary, whom I wanted to last a life time. I'm a life time kinda gal. I try. I've been in polyfidelity relationships and those I really enjoyed. two of them. All of us were sexual and romantically involved with each other and I rarely felt taxed like I do in other relationships. And I really liked the dynamic. Multiprimaries where everyone has equal time and equal importance... not so much. I'm open to it, but I find it very hard to believe everyone will last (my own shit, me me me). If I can't see it lasting, I won't connect in that deeper way. I can't connect. It's just too hard for me. I personally can’t see the equal time and energy thing happening with two butch doms who aren’t close friends with each other. All I see is a nightmare of being pulled into two (or more - augh!) directions of competing needs. Shudder. One person, for me, will always wind up pulling out in front of the other in terms of importance unless I'm in a triangle relationship. I have very limited time and very limited energy and it's just how I work, emotionally. Same goes with friends - the friends who give me more time and energy, the more I will give back to them and with my very limited spare time due to school, if there is competing needs, I'm going to give them to the one I get the most support and care from and that I trust most. Even in my house I like one cat more than the others. I love them all, but Spakle Pants is my devoted kitteh. She follows me around the house, adores me to smithereens. She gets to sleep on my bed, and because of fighting, which I don't allow on the bed, the others have to sleep in the baskets. One tends to sleep with my flat mate and the others claim the baskets or couches. These are my flat mates cats by the way. I play favourites. I love knowing lots of people but if I gave them all my equal attention, I'd weep. Doesn't happen. For me, it's kind of like ballroom dancing... if I practice with one partner more than the others, the skill levels I can reach are much higher as a team. doesnt mean I don't like dancing with others, my best dance partner will be the one I put the most effort, time, practice and energy into. But that's how I work. "whoring" around I call "casual dating". Or "free agent" Sex to me does not mean auto-commitment. I can casually date, have sex with my dates, and not be committed to anyone. That really is how I see casual dating. I was in that head space for almost 3 years after my exwife took off. I wanted friendship and sex and hanging out but no "lets see if we can make this last." It's only been the last person I dated that I wanted to actually make a provisional "lets see what maybe happens, no promises" with. To me that dips a partial toe into a kind of loose form of possible and provisional lower-level quasi-commitment, but with both of us still able to date others. Unfortunately, she wasn't in same headspace. It happens. Some people call it "free agent poly" but that's just west coast blah blah to me for casual dating and sex. Last edited by imperfect_cupcake; 09-10-2014 at 02:46 AM.

06-03-2015, 02:25 PM	#10
giggleluver Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer femme, Mostly bottom, little Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, girl Relationship Status: Happy, single, polyamorous Join Date: Jul 2014 Location: Pacific Northwest Posts: 62 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 93 Thanked 174 Times in 39 Posts Rep Power: 1718000	just saying hello, it's been a while since I've been here. __________________ Giggle *You can't buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream and that is pretty much the same thing.* Love is life. All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love. ~Leo Tolstoy

08-31-2014, 11:55 PM	#1
Mel C. Long-time Member How Do You Identify?: WIB - woman identified butch Preferred Pronoun?: Your choice...not really a button for me Relationship Status: ♡ married 1/1/2019♡ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: San Diego Posts: 2,149 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,772 Thanked 6,828 Times in 1,621 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Nice post D Phryxus. People seem to like dictating what is right/wrong for everyone else. I wasnt raised to be a homosexual...or butch...or kinky...or poly. Took a long time to realize I don't have to live by everyone else's rules. Sometimes I back step a little, but really, it isn't up to someone else to decide what Kind of relationships I have. Now if I could only find some like-minded people.....

09-03-2014, 11:41 AM	#3
Mel C. Long-time Member How Do You Identify?: WIB - woman identified butch Preferred Pronoun?: Your choice...not really a button for me Relationship Status: ♡ married 1/1/2019♡ Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: San Diego Posts: 2,149 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,772 Thanked 6,828 Times in 1,621 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06...relationships/ Thoughts?