Grieving

Andrew, Jr. · 12-29-2010, 10:45 AM

Cheryl,

Your post was wonderful. It makes perfect sense. I just struggle with the loss of those relationships I had. Let me give you an example of what I mean. Nothing was better than going to an Eagles Football game with my stepfather, drinking a beer, and talking about the cheerleaders. He called me HIS child, more importantly I felt like I belonged. I wasn't a misfit or wacko because of my tics, inability to read/comprehend something in front of me, or having that paniced feeling of being in a crowd. I had someone who understood, and was there to help me when I got that way. Nobody was there belittling me, laughing, pointing fingers, and so on. I was taken out of the situation. He paid for a club box so it would be easier for me to go with him. For years, we were there at every Eagles game. I treasure those memories, and the fact that he had the money to pay for that. It was a blessing.

I think grief is different for those of us who are handicapped. Everyone grieves their own way. But for those who are handicapped, it is much more intense. What is in our mind, and what we are able to verbalize is so hard to do. I know that is how it is for me.

Again, thank you for your post.

Mr. Moon · 12-30-2010, 03:54 PM

Hey everyone. I like reading all the posts and finding things in each of them that strike a chord with me, something I can think about, something that helps me feel I'm not losing it or something (even if I know I'm not). LOL

I am still breathing. I have to say that I don't find many things "fun" at the moment. I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. Or maybe it's just "when" will I feel happiness again. I realize I'll feel better at some point.

So I've decided to get a grip and clean this house up, and get out of it more. That's hard because my dog is getting old and I work all day. I don't want her later years to be spent missing me. So I'm going to do what I can.

I'm just glad the "Holidays" are pretty much over. I went through the motions and walked through them. On the other side it's just mundane and difficult.

But I will wake tomorrow and put forth more effort to have my surroundings help me mood. That's my first step....

Love to all,
-Moon

Andrew, Jr. · 01-12-2011, 03:28 PM

I hope everyone here is doing well. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

MsTinkerbelly · 01-12-2011, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Moon

Hey everyone. I like reading all the posts and finding things in each of them that strike a chord with me, something I can think about, something that helps me feel I'm not losing it or something (even if I know I'm not). LOL

I am still breathing. I have to say that I don't find many things "fun" at the moment. I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. Or maybe it's just "when" will I feel happiness again. I realize I'll feel better at some point.

So I've decided to get a grip and clean this house up, and get out of it more. That's hard because my dog is getting old and I work all day. I don't want her later years to be spent missing me. So I'm going to do what I can.

I'm just glad the "Holidays" are pretty much over. I went through the motions and walked through them. On the other side it's just mundane and difficult.

But I will wake tomorrow and put forth more effort to have my surroundings help me mood. That's my first step....

Love to all,
-Moon

I bolded and highlighted just a snipet because it made me stop and think for a moment....I still have those huge crashing waves of grief that Andrew mentioned, but the MAJORITY of the time I am happy and moving on!

It sounds trite, and at the time you think "oh yeah, you don't understand MY grief", but when people say that time dulls the grief, they are so right.

Hang in there Mr. Moon, it really does get better.

Mr. Moon · 01-29-2011, 03:06 PM

Hey everyone.

Hope you all are feeling a bit better and muddling through.

So a friend of mine lost a close friend, one I knew also, and it reminded me of my first real loss, another friend of these two.. if you can follow that. Anyway, my first "loss" at 30 years old was a gay male friend of mine who was ..yes, like a brother to me. So now, that brought up all that and well...we all know where it went from there.

I cleaned out some picture drawers today and put them in storage bins.

I just feel oddly empty. Sad, drained. I found alot of cards, many from my brother. I miss him. I really do. I just wanted to say that.

Thanks for reading me....somehow knowing someone knows...helps.

-Moon

Andrew, Jr. · 01-30-2011, 10:05 AM

Moonster,

One never gets over death. The grief will stay with you for the remainder of your life. It changes, and it does get better.

I wish you tons and tons of love and peace.

Gráinne · 01-31-2011, 01:06 PM

Obviously, this is a much-read thread for me today.

Twenty years ago (!), I got pregnant for the first time. Even though it was far from an ideal situation, I was excited about becoming a mother. I read all the books, bought maternity clothes months ahead, etc.

At my 12 week ultrasound, I was watching the screen only to see no heartbeat. The baby was dead inside me. I had to be admitted for an operation. I just remember being on autopilot, completely stunned.

I remember going for a walk after I got home, some days later. It was November, and I prayed for my baby and that she (I'd felt strongly that it was a girl) would go to a good home, one better for her (I know that makes her sound like a pet). Seven months later, my best friend gave birth to a girl.

I always remember her on every anniversary, and cannot believe that if she'd lived, I'd have a daughter in college right now.

My mother passed on April 28, 1996-her 78th birthday. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer six weeks earlier. Of course, it was close to Mother's Day. I still can't go into stores around that time.

I remember my mother going in and out of alertness, calling to her long-dead parents as if they were right there. It was that experience that convinced me that our loved ones "come back" for us when it's our time.

My oldest brother died suddenly of a heart attack in Sept. 2006. Then my former sister-in-law in Sept. 2007. Finally, my father in Sept. 2008. I began to hate the High Holidays and Yom Kippur. With my father, he was diagnosed with throat cancer two weeks before he passed. He was 92, so I think he was just ready to go.

And now my next-oldest brother, who was sick for a few years but it sounds like he passed easily. It wasn't even unexpected.

And I feel so damn guilty because I don't want to go to his service. He was a mean thing when he'd been drinking. Part of me just doesn't want to bother, but I would probably regret it. I don't know. I feel this bubbling anger, and I have no one who would understand. My family would be shocked if I said "I'm not going".

I'm probably not thinking clearly. I hope all of you who have had loss are at peace today.

MsTinkerbelly · 01-31-2011, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guihong

And I feel so damn guilty because I don't want to go to his service. He was a mean thing when he'd been drinking. Part of me just doesn't want to bother, but I would probably regret it. I don't know. I feel this bubbling anger, and I have no one who would understand. My family would be shocked if I said "I'm not going".

I'm probably not thinking clearly. I hope all of you who have had loss are at peace today.

I snipped a bit of your post because I wanted to chime in with my 2 cents. I mean well, so please forgive me if I am over-stepping.

When my mean, rotten, nasty step-father passed away, my Mother did not have a service for him. She just cremated him, and left him in the box until my Uncle took the box one day and released his ashes at sea. None of us were there....

You know, when I look back he wasn't always mean/rotten/nasty...we had some wonderful times with him when we were younger...and I feel cheated that I didn't get to say goodbye to the person he once was, instead of who he became.

Blessings to you during this diffacult time.

iamkeri1 · 01-31-2011, 08:02 PM

Guihong,
We have all kinds of feelings about our families while we are alive, and we have all the same feelings about them after they die, only then we feel guilty about some of them. Deciding whether or not to go to the funeral will be hard. I hope you can fend a solution you are comfortable with. Maybe you could think of it the way Tinkerbelly mentioned and choose to go and mourn for the loss of the person you knew and loved from an earlier time in your lives. I send you light and strength.
Smooches,
Keri

01-31-2011, 01:06 PM	#7
Gráinne Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Neither, nada, out of the box Preferred Pronoun?: My name always works Relationship Status: Happy whatever happens Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Little Rock Posts: 1,864 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,117 Thanked 7,386 Times in 1,457 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Obviously, this is a much-read thread for me today. Twenty years ago (!), I got pregnant for the first time. Even though it was far from an ideal situation, I was excited about becoming a mother. I read all the books, bought maternity clothes months ahead, etc. At my 12 week ultrasound, I was watching the screen only to see no heartbeat. The baby was dead inside me. I had to be admitted for an operation. I just remember being on autopilot, completely stunned. I remember going for a walk after I got home, some days later. It was November, and I prayed for my baby and that she (I'd felt strongly that it was a girl) would go to a good home, one better for her (I know that makes her sound like a pet). Seven months later, my best friend gave birth to a girl. I always remember her on every anniversary, and cannot believe that if she'd lived, I'd have a daughter in college right now. My mother passed on April 28, 1996-her 78th birthday. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer six weeks earlier. Of course, it was close to Mother's Day. I still can't go into stores around that time. I remember my mother going in and out of alertness, calling to her long-dead parents as if they were right there. It was that experience that convinced me that our loved ones "come back" for us when it's our time. My oldest brother died suddenly of a heart attack in Sept. 2006. Then my former sister-in-law in Sept. 2007. Finally, my father in Sept. 2008. I began to hate the High Holidays and Yom Kippur. With my father, he was diagnosed with throat cancer two weeks before he passed. He was 92, so I think he was just ready to go. And now my next-oldest brother, who was sick for a few years but it sounds like he passed easily. It wasn't even unexpected. And I feel so damn guilty because I don't want to go to his service. He was a mean thing when he'd been drinking. Part of me just doesn't want to bother, but I would probably regret it. I don't know. I feel this bubbling anger, and I have no one who would understand. My family would be shocked if I said "I'm not going". I'm probably not thinking clearly. I hope all of you who have had loss are at peace today. __________________ The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

12-29-2010, 10:45 AM	#1
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Cheryl, Your post was wonderful. It makes perfect sense. I just struggle with the loss of those relationships I had. Let me give you an example of what I mean. Nothing was better than going to an Eagles Football game with my stepfather, drinking a beer, and talking about the cheerleaders. He called me HIS child, more importantly I felt like I belonged. I wasn't a misfit or wacko because of my tics, inability to read/comprehend something in front of me, or having that paniced feeling of being in a crowd. I had someone who understood, and was there to help me when I got that way. Nobody was there belittling me, laughing, pointing fingers, and so on. I was taken out of the situation. He paid for a club box so it would be easier for me to go with him. For years, we were there at every Eagles game. I treasure those memories, and the fact that he had the money to pay for that. It was a blessing. I think grief is different for those of us who are handicapped. Everyone grieves their own way. But for those who are handicapped, it is much more intense. What is in our mind, and what we are able to verbalize is so hard to do. I know that is how it is for me. Again, thank you for your post.

12-30-2010, 03:54 PM	#2
Mr. Moon Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: he, she, it, hey you Relationship Status: single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Maryland Posts: 329 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 636 Thanked 1,160 Times in 229 Posts Rep Power: 10385664	Hey everyone. I like reading all the posts and finding things in each of them that strike a chord with me, something I can think about, something that helps me feel I'm not losing it or something (even if I know I'm not). LOL I am still breathing. I have to say that I don't find many things "fun" at the moment. I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. Or maybe it's just "when" will I feel happiness again. I realize I'll feel better at some point. So I've decided to get a grip and clean this house up, and get out of it more. That's hard because my dog is getting old and I work all day. I don't want her later years to be spent missing me. So I'm going to do what I can. I'm just glad the "Holidays" are pretty much over. I went through the motions and walked through them. On the other side it's just mundane and difficult. But I will wake tomorrow and put forth more effort to have my surroundings help me mood. That's my first step.... Love to all, -Moon

01-12-2011, 03:28 PM	#3
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	I hope everyone here is doing well. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

01-29-2011, 03:06 PM	#5
Mr. Moon Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: he, she, it, hey you Relationship Status: single Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Maryland Posts: 329 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 636 Thanked 1,160 Times in 229 Posts Rep Power: 10385664	Hey everyone. Hope you all are feeling a bit better and muddling through. So a friend of mine lost a close friend, one I knew also, and it reminded me of my first real loss, another friend of these two.. if you can follow that. Anyway, my first "loss" at 30 years old was a gay male friend of mine who was ..yes, like a brother to me. So now, that brought up all that and well...we all know where it went from there. I cleaned out some picture drawers today and put them in storage bins. I just feel oddly empty. Sad, drained. I found alot of cards, many from my brother. I miss him. I really do. I just wanted to say that. Thanks for reading me....somehow knowing someone knows...helps. -Moon

01-30-2011, 10:05 AM	#6
Andrew, Jr. Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Me Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Over the Rainbow in a House Posts: 5,072 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 16,004 Thanked 5,249 Times in 2,216 Posts Rep Power: 0	Moonster, One never gets over death. The grief will stay with you for the remainder of your life. It changes, and it does get better. I wish you tons and tons of love and peace.

01-31-2011, 08:02 PM	#9
iamkeri1 Member How Do You Identify?: femme woman Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Central Florida Posts: 905 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 302 Thanked 2,153 Times in 659 Posts Rep Power: 16642920	Guihong, We have all kinds of feelings about our families while we are alive, and we have all the same feelings about them after they die, only then we feel guilty about some of them. Deciding whether or not to go to the funeral will be hard. I hope you can fend a solution you are comfortable with. Maybe you could think of it the way Tinkerbelly mentioned and choose to go and mourn for the loss of the person you knew and loved from an earlier time in your lives. I send you light and strength. Smooches, Keri