Communication 101: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

[Just_G]

Originally Posted by JustJo

Hi Just G

Given that I don't know your friend or the history or the context or anything else about this conversation, please take this with a gigantic grain of salt.

However, what I see purely from what you've written is that you want to communicate....you're trying to get better at it...you're taking feedback, finding resources.

Her reaction sounds like she doesn't actually want to communicate...even though what she's doing is talking (or writing).

People use words for a whole lot of reasons....communication is one....control is another.

In my family of origin there was a whole lot of talking, and very little actual communication. Words were used to control, to wound, to keep people in their designated roles, etc. I'm really cautious around people who talk but rarely listen, or who can never be wrong. If someone can't say "wow...I didn't realize I was coming across that way"....then I tend to think they're talking for reasons other than communication.

I never really thought about words being controlling in this situation until I read what you just wrote. I am really learning a lot from what you all have to say, and I really appreciate all the input I am getting.

I think you are absolutely right about using words to control people/situations. I have always cowered and apologized for things I have said...when deep down inside, I knew that my input was neither right or wrong, it was just a discussion, but I felt beat down and that what I had to say didn't matter. Well, what I have to say DOES matter, and I am trying to break out of that shell. Before if she would have asked me which style of communication she used, I would have answered with what she wanted to hear. That would have been sugar coating or worse yet, letting her control how I answered the question. When I think back to some of the heated discussions we got into, I really did feel whipped and she would dominate me and the conversation.

I am starting to say how I think and feel. Perhaps she feels she is losing that control that I KNOW she had over me. I am by no means trying to "win" or "get back" at her by any means. I want to be able to go back and have some of the discussions we had in the past. I think rather than sitting back and not saying anything, or just agreeing with her, I would actually be able to better engage without my thoughts causing a log jam between my mind and my mouth because I feel intimidated.