Lesbian bed death?

BullDog · 01-31-2011, 07:55 PM

I have known of plenty of heterosexual relationships (testosterone included) where there was little if any sex- "bed death." But there is no term called heterosexual bed death. There's no term called gay men bed death.

Women have lower sex drives than men- I think that's a huge myth. Not everyone needs testosterone or a penis to want or enjoy sex.

betenoire · 01-31-2011, 08:21 PM

I think that for queer women our sexuality is a bit more hard-won than for straight women. While, yes, being queer IS something that just happened - knowing it and what it means ISN'T something that just happens. There's work and there's thought there. Because of that I don't think that we buy into a lot of the myths and fake-rules about sex that people who haven't had to really fight/learn MAY often buy into.

Nobody is going to tell me that I have to have sex with my spouse. Nobody is going to tell me that it's my wifely duty to have sex with my spouse when I don't feel like it. Nobody is going to make me feel guilty for not having sex with my spouse when I am mad/hurt/annoyed/have a toothache/tired/whatever. My sexuality just comes with far too much self-awareness for me to fall for any of that bullshit.

So IF and ONLY IF female-female couples are fucking less often 5/10/15 years into the relationship than their male-female couple counterparts (and that's a big if, I don't know that I buy that) - that's the reason. Because we are fortunate enough to know that we are ALLOWED to not fuck.

Some women don't know that they have that choice.

Corkey · 01-31-2011, 08:27 PM

I have to wonder what would happen if at any point in a relationship one partner ends up with a condition that precludes them from having or participating in sex. I married my partner for better or worse, that includes the sex. Dumping a partner because there is a lack of sex in my opinion, is ridicules. Communication.

JustJo · 01-31-2011, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Corkey

I have to wonder what would happen if at any point in a relationship one partner ends up with a condition that precludes them from having or participating in sex. I married my partner for better or worse, that includes the sex. Dumping a partner because there is a lack of sex in my opinion, is ridicules. Communication.

I think there are many, many things that can be defined as sex...and I can't imagine a condition that would preclude all of them.

If my partner was unable to participate in a particular kind of sex because of a medical condition or injury...no problem. I have a great imagination.

What I would "dump" a partner for is a continual lack of any desire to engage in sex of any kind with me. For me, that's the deal killer. It isn't whether someone can handle any specific act...it's the unwillingness or lack of desire to engage in anything at all.

Corkey · 01-31-2011, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JustJo

I think there are many, many things that can be defined as sex...and I can't imagine a condition that would preclude all of them.

If my partner was unable to participate in a particular kind of sex because of a medical condition or injury...no problem. I have a great imagination.

What I would "dump" a partner for is a continual lack of any desire to engage in sex of any kind with me. For me, that's the deal killer. It isn't whether someone can handle any specific act...it's the unwillingness or lack of desire to engage in anything at all.

I think that comes down to communication. There are folks with mental health issues such as chronic depression, who for many reasons do not want sex. I think that there are extenuating circumstances that befall many couples, so for me to make blanket statements about sex being the deal breaker, it is just not justified.

girl_dee · 12-30-2012, 07:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Corkey

I have to wonder what would happen if at any point in a relationship one partner ends up with a condition that precludes them from having or participating in sex. I married my partner for better or worse, that includes the sex. Dumping a partner because there is a lack of sex in my opinion, is ridicules. Communication.

Corkey this is one of the best posts i've seen.

Since when does almighty sex trump everything else in a couples life?

Of course sex is a good thing, but if that i the string holding it together that is a sad thing.

If that is all i mean to you, you are not for me.

~ocean · 12-30-2012, 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Corkey this is one of the best posts i've seen.

Since when does almighty sex trump everything else in a couples life?

Of course sex is a good thing, but if that i the string holding it together that is a sad thing.

If that is all i mean to you, you are not for me.

I agree w/ u both ~~ u love for better or worse ~~ btw HI (((( dee ))))

SaltyButch · 01-05-2013, 01:53 PM

This term "lesbian bed death" is one that has been around for forever, it's unfortunate that negativity prevails over all. I can only speak to my experiences, and I have been in relationships where the sex was plentiful and waned and regained momentum. The reason mostly is not because you lack the physical desire but that we are emotional beings and therefore when our emotions come into play all aspects of our life are affected.

I am in agreement that sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship but it is important and to me can be the glue...if I am physically separate from someone for any length of time I feel disconnected. Of course, if my partner has some ailment that presents a challenge that is a whole different ballgame and I would stay by her side.

The "death" in my opinion is much like "making love" it starts long before you reach the bedroom, and therefore each moment and each day should be one that nurtures the soul of each of you so that your "bed" can flourish.

sharonsuburbia · 01-05-2013, 02:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Corkey this is one of the best posts i've seen.

Since when does almighty sex trump everything else in a couples life?

Of course sex is a good thing, but if that i the string holding it together that is a sad thing.

If that is all i mean to you, you are not for me.

i very much agree and i was on the str8 marriage side - no sex ever by my choice but had i not come out and was still married i am there for better or worse just as if now if i was married to another woman i would be

homoe · 01-06-2013, 02:41 PM

I know it’s always been associated with lesbians but really isn’t “death bed" prevalent with all relationships whether heterosexual or homosexual? What nincompoop had to assoicate it just with lesbians?

macele · 01-06-2013, 03:16 PM

sex is over rated. now affection, lesbians know affection better than anybody LOL.

Toughy · 01-31-2011, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show)

1) male/male

2) female/male

3) female/female

The thought is testosterone = higher levels of sexual desire. The thought is that females need to have a positive emotional connection with their partner in order to desire sex ( or rather, females have more of a need for there to be no tension in the relationship in order to desire sex), more so than males. So, if you have two females together and there are difficulties in the relationship, less chance of sex happening than the other two couplings.

Whose thoughts??

Did this come from The Onion?????

must be satire.......has to be satire.......

DapperButch · 01-31-2011, 10:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BullDog

I have known of plenty of heterosexual relationships (testosterone included) where there was little if any sex- "bed death." But there is no term called heterosexual bed death. There's no term called gay men bed death.

Women have lower sex drives than men- I think that's a huge myth. Not everyone needs testosterone or a penis to want or enjoy sex.

Red highlighted statement - Did someone say that here? Yes, I agree that this would be a bit ludicrous to think. After all, females do desire sex. Side note, females have testosterone, too, just less of it than males.

BullDog · 01-31-2011, 10:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Red highlighted statement - Did someone say that here? Yes, I agree that this would be a bit ludicrous to think. After all, females do desire sex. Side note, females have testosterone, too, just less of it than males.

Dapper what is your point of coming into this thread? To talk about how men want sex more than women?

DapperButch · 01-31-2011, 10:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BullDog

Dapper what is your point of coming into this thread? To talk about how men want sex more than women?

No, this was my point:

My personal thoughts:

Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship.

Of course health impacts all this, as well.

You took it to talking about males. I spoke of males into order to explain how I got to my "lose" theory.

BullDog · 01-31-2011, 10:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DapperButch

No, this was my point:

My personal thoughts:

Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship.

Of course health impacts all this, as well.

You took it to talking about males. I spoke of males into order to express how I got to my "lose" theory.

I don't agree with the part in bold. It's a generalization. As you yourself said, there is individual variation.

I get real, real tired of the perpetuation of stereotypes of lesbians and women that I see here almost daily. Real, real tired. Now I am going to go take a few aspirin and go do something else.

DapperButch · 01-31-2011, 10:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BullDog

I don't agree with the part in bold. It's a generalization. As you yourself said, there is individual variation.

I get real, real tired of the perpetuation of stereotypes of lesbians and women that I see here almost daily. Real, real tired. Now I am going to go take a few aspirin and go do something else.

Ok. I was actually about to post that I am off to bed. Good night.

Poss · 12-04-2015, 07:27 AM

and we discuss it like it's a fact about us.

What a terrible thing that heterosexual sexologist woman did. Such a horrible thing to come up with, just because those that took part in the survey don't have physical sex as often as straights and gay guys in the survey did.

I've put up with this crap for 3 decades ...enough is enough! Wouldn't it be ironic if we actually make love with our lesbian partners more often than the other 2 grouped categories do.

Love making for us lesbians encompasses so much more than just physical penetrative type sex practices. The depth of intensity between us is almost mind blowing. That woman probably wouldn't have a clue on how to even begin measuring our way of love making.

We lesbians should never sell ourselves short like this. Be mindful not to view yourself through their eyes!

SnugglyGirl007 · 12-04-2015, 07:11 PM

Love this topic. This has happened in two of my relationships.

Both of them were because I lost complete respect for my lover because of the way they treated me. They literally became unattractive to me over time because of this and the thought of sex with them was basically repulsive.

And these relationships were ON FIRE at first, but sex alone only gets you so far ...

Tuff Stuff · 12-04-2015, 08:19 PM

I need sex 24/7..I need sex with women 24/7,period *coughs* or not! *snort*

My wife is happy if she has me every weekend..which makes me happy.

They say sex is not everything in a relationship,but to me,it's num.1 on my list.

No lesbian bed death here..unless you count me laying on a lesbian bed and,thinking about death???

01-31-2011, 07:55 PM	#1
BullDog Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Dominant Stone Butch Daddy Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In A Healing Place Posts: 5,371 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,160 Thanked 22,640 Times in 4,463 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I have known of plenty of heterosexual relationships (testosterone included) where there was little if any sex- "bed death." But there is no term called heterosexual bed death. There's no term called gay men bed death. Women have lower sex drives than men- I think that's a huge myth. Not everyone needs testosterone or a penis to want or enjoy sex. __________________ Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. - Rainer Maria Rilke

01-31-2011, 08:21 PM	#2
betenoire Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Satan in a Sunday Hat Preferred Pronoun?: Maow Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: The Chemical Valley Posts: 4,086 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,312 Thanked 8,740 Times in 2,566 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I think that for queer women our sexuality is a bit more hard-won than for straight women. While, yes, being queer IS something that just happened - knowing it and what it means ISN'T something that just happens. There's work and there's thought there. Because of that I don't think that we buy into a lot of the myths and fake-rules about sex that people who haven't had to really fight/learn MAY often buy into. Nobody is going to tell me that I have to have sex with my spouse. Nobody is going to tell me that it's my wifely duty to have sex with my spouse when I don't feel like it. Nobody is going to make me feel guilty for not having sex with my spouse when I am mad/hurt/annoyed/have a toothache/tired/whatever. My sexuality just comes with far too much self-awareness for me to fall for any of that bullshit. So IF and ONLY IF female-female couples are fucking less often 5/10/15 years into the relationship than their male-female couple counterparts (and that's a big if, I don't know that I buy that) - that's the reason. Because we are fortunate enough to know that we are ALLOWED to not fuck. Some women don't know that they have that choice. __________________ bête noire \bet-NWAHR\, noun: One that is particularly disliked or that is to be avoided.

01-31-2011, 08:27 PM	#3
Corkey Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Human Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Very Married Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Where I want to be Posts: 8,155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 47,491 Thanked 29,268 Times in 6,637 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I have to wonder what would happen if at any point in a relationship one partner ends up with a condition that precludes them from having or participating in sex. I married my partner for better or worse, that includes the sex. Dumping a partner because there is a lack of sex in my opinion, is ridicules. Communication. __________________ "Many proposals have been made to us to adopt your laws, your religion, your manners and your customs. We would be better pleased with beholding the good effects of these doctrines in your own practices, than with hearing you talk about them". ~Old Tassel, Chief of the Tsalagi (Cherokee)

01-06-2013, 02:41 PM	#10
homoe Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: ..... Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: 30 minute ferry ride from Seattle Posts: 38,565 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 20,811 Thanked 33,548 Times in 14,914 Posts Rep Power: 21474889	Lesbian Death Bed...... I know it’s always been associated with lesbians but really isn’t “death bed" prevalent with all relationships whether heterosexual or homosexual? What nincompoop had to assoicate it just with lesbians?

12-04-2015, 07:27 AM	#18
Poss Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Gay, Lesbian, Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Legally Married in 2018 Join Date: Nov 2015 Location: Victoria, Australia Posts: 38 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 55 Thanked 160 Times in 33 Posts Rep Power: 1932747	This is the ugliest term straights have ever thrown at us ... and we discuss it like it's a fact about us. What a terrible thing that heterosexual sexologist woman did. Such a horrible thing to come up with, just because those that took part in the survey don't have physical sex as often as straights and gay guys in the survey did. I've put up with this crap for 3 decades ...enough is enough! Wouldn't it be ironic if we actually make love with our lesbian partners more often than the other 2 grouped categories do. Love making for us lesbians encompasses so much more than just physical penetrative type sex practices. The depth of intensity between us is almost mind blowing. That woman probably wouldn't have a clue on how to even begin measuring our way of love making. We lesbians should never sell ourselves short like this. Be mindful not to view yourself through their eyes!

01-05-2013, 01:53 PM	#8
SaltyButch Member How Do You Identify?: Old School Butch Preferred Pronoun?: he/she/hey you..... Relationship Status: open to the possibilities Tournaments Won: 5 Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: mississauga ontario canada Posts: 345 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 432 Thanked 1,633 Times in 301 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	This term "lesbian bed death" is one that has been around for forever, it's unfortunate that negativity prevails over all. I can only speak to my experiences, and I have been in relationships where the sex was plentiful and waned and regained momentum. The reason mostly is not because you lack the physical desire but that we are emotional beings and therefore when our emotions come into play all aspects of our life are affected. I am in agreement that sex is not the be all and end all in a relationship but it is important and to me can be the glue...if I am physically separate from someone for any length of time I feel disconnected. Of course, if my partner has some ailment that presents a challenge that is a whole different ballgame and I would stay by her side. The "death" in my opinion is much like "making love" it starts long before you reach the bedroom, and therefore each moment and each day should be one that nurtures the soul of each of you so that your "bed" can flourish.

01-06-2013, 03:16 PM	#11
macele Member How Do You Identify?: a bold-assed maximus Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: mississippi Posts: 1,066 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,178 Thanked 3,230 Times in 847 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	sex is over rated. now affection, lesbians know affection better than anybody LOL.

12-04-2015, 07:11 PM	#19
SnugglyGirl007 Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Metro Femme Preferred Pronoun?: hottie Relationship Status: all worked up ... Join Date: Nov 2015 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 7 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 0 Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post Rep Power: 0	been there done that Love this topic. This has happened in two of my relationships. Both of them were because I lost complete respect for my lover because of the way they treated me. They literally became unattractive to me over time because of this and the thought of sex with them was basically repulsive. And these relationships were ON FIRE at first, but sex alone only gets you so far ... __________________

12-04-2015, 08:19 PM	#20
Tuff Stuff Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Woman Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Married Join Date: May 2013 Location: California Posts: 695 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 904 Thanked 1,315 Times in 505 Posts Rep Power: 9408454	I need sex 24/7..I need sex with women 24/7,period coughs or not! snort My wife is happy if she has me every weekend..which makes me happy. They say sex is not everything in a relationship,but to me,it's num.1 on my list. No lesbian bed death here..unless you count me laying on a lesbian bed and,thinking about death???