Lesbian bed death?

[Kobi]

Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest? I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them.

In my experience, a deteriorating sexual relationship is mirroring a failing personal relationship. Hard to feel sexual when the relationship isnt working for you the way it used to. And sometimes it is hard to know if that is a correctable problem or an uncorrectable one.

Medical/physical problems, stress, and other things can contribute to the issue.

I'm wondering what others experiences might be.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Kobi

Lesbian bed death has been called a myth by some, and been experienced as a reality by others.

But what is it really and what causes us to lose sexual interest? I am not referring to the peaks and flows that occur in sex in relationships. I am asking what has a negative impact on our willingness to be sexual with someone while in a relationship with them.

In my experience, a deteriorating sexual relationship is mirroring a failing personal relationship. Hard to feel sexual when the relationship isnt working for you the way it used to. And sometimes it is hard to know if that is a correctable problem or an uncorrectable one.

Medical/physical problems, stress, and other things can contribute to the issue.

I'm wondering what others experiences might be.

I guess I don't see the correlation with this *syndrome* and lesbianism...this could happen in any relationship.

Medical problems and stress are just the beginning, there are a host of other reasons why people lose interest, most of which I feel are personal between the two partners.

Once certain damage is done, the sex interest drops... I have to feel I am desired and more important than anything else in order to have interest. In this day and age, between addictions including the internet, and everything else being more important, intimacy and creativity in the bedroom go down the drain.

Gotta make each other a priority in life....

Just my .02 worth.

[DapperButch]

Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show)

1) male/male

2) female/male

3) female/female


The thought is testosterone = higher levels of sexual desire. The thought is that females need to have a positive emotional connection with their partner in order to desire sex ( or rather, females have more of a need for there to be no tension in the relationship in order to desire sex), more so than males. So, if you have two females together and there are difficulties in the relationship, less chance of sex happening than the other two couplings.

------------

My personal thoughts:

Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship.

Of course health impacts all this, as well.

[bigbutchmistie]

First off let me say I have never experienced this for myelf. But have watched friends who are coupled do so...

For me, I believe sex is a part of intimacy with one's partner. I I cant make love with my partner, then for me I dont think I could be with someone.

I have watched a friend stay with a woman for years and years without any sex just cause she loved her. The woman stayed severely depressed and one day, my friend couldnt take it any more and left.

I think we are all different in what we will accept and what we wont. As I stated above, I cannot imagine not making love, no intimacy. Not expresssing that love.

Like Audrey Hepburn said, I was born with an incredible need for affection and an even greater need to give it.

If I was in a relationship if that was gone, so would I... I would still remain a friend. But, I would require more than just that.... Just my two cents

[iamkeri1]

I never thought of it the way DapperButch explained it, but it does make sense.

I have wondered about this phenomonon for some time since I have a good friend who has been in a sex-free relationship for years. Also this phenomenon seems to have a more frequent occurrence among female-female relationships. (Or at least we are willling to talk about it while others are not.) One factor that I believe may be involved is this: we are exposed to a lot of negative input from society at large, our parents, our kids, our employers and coworkers etc. I think it is possible with some individuals that this negative input builds up over time and the resultant guilt makes it harder to feel good about having sex. Add to that the belief still lingering around in the world that women aren't supposed to like sex and that "good girls" are not sexually aggressive. Crap - when I think about it like that, its a wonder that ANY of us have sex. LOL.

Speaks well for our inner strength, doesn't it?

Smooches,
Keri

[JustJo]

Hello all

I was going to post last night, but was so tired that I doubted I could form a coherent sentence. As I lay in bed I thought...funny...I'm too exhausted for posting, but not for sex...so, at least for me, physical tiredness has nothing to do with it.

I've been interested to read the comments here...don't agree necessarily, but interested just the same.

Let's see...for me, intimacy and sex are totally different things. I can have one without the other. I generally don't...but I can.

It isn't a lack of testosterone....I'm definitely not flooded with that, but I have a stronger sex drive than "normal" (men included).

And it isn't about a negative image or disapproval from the larger culture, because I didn't get the normal "sex is bad/dirty" messaging that many women get growing up, and I don't care what anyone thinks...and, also, I've had the same phenomenon happen in relationships with bio-men as well.

So....what is it then, for me?

A few things can happen....if I am angry, or feel attacked, or undervalued...then I don't feel sexual. I feel defensive or hurt, and those don't lead to either sexual desire or the feeling of desirability, value and safety that I need to want sex. That's the most common...

I've heard of people in long-term (as in years) relationships without sex...not only lesbian relationships, but also hetero relationships. I was in one for almost 2 years, and the lack of sexual connection killed the relationship. For me, sex is a crucial part. No, I don't have a particular timetable or act or *fill in the blank* that must happen...I'm not that rigid...but there has to be a sexual connection and a spark. As I've said in these forums before....if our bed is only for sleeping, then I'm an unhappy woman.

Here's what happens in my head...I am intimate with my best friend. I love her. She loves me. We know everything (and I do mean every thing) about each other. I have held her hand in the hospital. She has clipped my toenails when I was pregnant and couldn't reach them anymore. I have helped her check the "what the hell is that?" in a place she couldn't see. We are closer than most sisters. We think alike. We even look a bit alike. But we do not have a sexual spark with each other.

If I am in a love relationship, and our sex life dies, then I start to feel about you (general you) the way I do about her. There may be love. There may be intimacy. But suddenly we are sisters or friends....and it isn't the same. I don't plan my future with my friend, as much as I love her. I don't want to spend every night wrapped in her arms, as much as she loves me.

For me, there has to be more than love...more than intimacy...more than companionship...more than shared values....more than a shared residence.

[BullDog]

I have known of plenty of heterosexual relationships (testosterone included) where there was little if any sex- "bed death." But there is no term called heterosexual bed death. There's no term called gay men bed death.

Women have lower sex drives than men- I think that's a huge myth. Not everyone needs testosterone or a penis to want or enjoy sex.

[betenoire]

I think that for queer women our sexuality is a bit more hard-won than for straight women. While, yes, being queer IS something that just happened - knowing it and what it means ISN'T something that just happens. There's work and there's thought there. Because of that I don't think that we buy into a lot of the myths and fake-rules about sex that people who haven't had to really fight/learn MAY often buy into.

Nobody is going to tell me that I have to have sex with my spouse. Nobody is going to tell me that it's my wifely duty to have sex with my spouse when I don't feel like it. Nobody is going to make me feel guilty for not having sex with my spouse when I am mad/hurt/annoyed/have a toothache/tired/whatever. My sexuality just comes with far too much self-awareness for me to fall for any of that bullshit.

So IF and ONLY IF female-female couples are fucking less often 5/10/15 years into the relationship than their male-female couple counterparts (and that's a big if, I don't know that I buy that) - that's the reason. Because we are fortunate enough to know that we are ALLOWED to not fuck.

Some women don't know that they have that choice.

[Toughy]

Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show)

1) male/male

2) female/male

3) female/female


The thought is testosterone = higher levels of sexual desire. The thought is that females need to have a positive emotional connection with their partner in order to desire sex ( or rather, females have more of a need for there to be no tension in the relationship in order to desire sex), more so than males. So, if you have two females together and there are difficulties in the relationship, less chance of sex happening than the other two couplings.

Whose thoughts??

Did this come from The Onion?????

must be satire.......has to be satire.......

[Corkey]

I have to wonder what would happen if at any point in a relationship one partner ends up with a condition that precludes them from having or participating in sex. I married my partner for better or worse, that includes the sex. Dumping a partner because there is a lack of sex in my opinion, is ridicules. Communication.

[waxnrope]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Most frequent to least frequent sex (many studies show)

1) male/male

2) female/male

3) female/female


The thought is testosterone = higher levels of sexual desire. The thought is that females need to have a positive emotional connection with their partner in order to desire sex ( or rather, females have more of a need for there to be no tension in the relationship in order to desire sex), more so than males. So, if you have two females together and there are difficulties in the relationship, less chance of sex happening than the other two couplings.

------------

My personal thoughts:

Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship.

Of course health impacts all this, as well.

Hey Dapper, please cite the source of this. Thanks

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by Corkey

I have to wonder what would happen if at any point in a relationship one partner ends up with a condition that precludes them from having or participating in sex. I married my partner for better or worse, that includes the sex. Dumping a partner because there is a lack of sex in my opinion, is ridicules. Communication.

I think there are many, many things that can be defined as sex...and I can't imagine a condition that would preclude all of them.

If my partner was unable to participate in a particular kind of sex because of a medical condition or injury...no problem. I have a great imagination.

What I would "dump" a partner for is a continual lack of any desire to engage in sex of any kind with me. For me, that's the deal killer. It isn't whether someone can handle any specific act...it's the unwillingness or lack of desire to engage in anything at all.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I gotta be honest, the bed often looks like "death bed" when I'm on my period.

That count!?

[Corkey]

Originally Posted by JustJo

I think there are many, many things that can be defined as sex...and I can't imagine a condition that would preclude all of them.

If my partner was unable to participate in a particular kind of sex because of a medical condition or injury...no problem. I have a great imagination.

What I would "dump" a partner for is a continual lack of any desire to engage in sex of any kind with me. For me, that's the deal killer. It isn't whether someone can handle any specific act...it's the unwillingness or lack of desire to engage in anything at all.

I think that comes down to communication. There are folks with mental health issues such as chronic depression, who for many reasons do not want sex. I think that there are extenuating circumstances that befall many couples, so for me to make blanket statements about sex being the deal breaker, it is just not justified.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by waxnrope

Hey Dapper, please cite the source of this. Thanks

http://www.webmd.com/sex/features/se...-women-compare

Not tough to find. The first one google came up with.

But, who cares, anyway? Meaning, it isn't a BAD thing if that is the case. It is ok if there truly is some differences between the sexes based on biology. I think that so many of us (me included), spend a lot of time trying to prove their is no differences, as if that is a bad thing.

And getting back to the topic, certainly not all women have a lower sex drive than all men. It is individual. But as a whole, yes... men tend to desire sex more often and have more sex than women do. Is this truly new for people?

Do you think that transmen are lying when they say that their sex drive went up after starting testosterone? Do you think this is just all in their heads or something?

[BullDog]

What's not new to me is all the perpetuation of myths about lesbians and women's sexuality.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by BullDog

I have known of plenty of heterosexual relationships (testosterone included) where there was little if any sex- "bed death." But there is no term called heterosexual bed death. There's no term called gay men bed death.

Women have lower sex drives than men- I think that's a huge myth. Not everyone needs testosterone or a penis to want or enjoy sex.

Red highlighted statement - Did someone say that here? Yes, I agree that this would be a bit ludicrous to think. After all, females do desire sex. Side note, females have testosterone, too, just less of it than males.

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Red highlighted statement - Did someone say that here? Yes, I agree that this would be a bit ludicrous to think. After all, females do desire sex. Side note, females have testosterone, too, just less of it than males.

Dapper what is your point of coming into this thread? To talk about how men want sex more than women?

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by BullDog

Dapper what is your point of coming into this thread? To talk about how men want sex more than women?

No, this was my point:

My personal thoughts:

Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship.

Of course health impacts all this, as well.


You took it to talking about males. I spoke of males into order to explain how I got to my "lose" theory.

[BullDog]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

No, this was my point:

My personal thoughts:

Lesbian bed death? = problem in relationship. Does it exist? Well, everyone's (all couplings) frequency in sexual relations decreases over time, so if female/female are having less sex to begin with, it makes sense that it could drop to zero, especially if there are problems in the relationship.

My opinion is that bed death could happen in any coupling if there are problems in the relationship.

Of course health impacts all this, as well.


You took it to talking about males. I spoke of males into order to express how I got to my "lose" theory.

I don't agree with the part in bold. It's a generalization. As you yourself said, there is individual variation.

I get real, real tired of the perpetuation of stereotypes of lesbians and women that I see here almost daily. Real, real tired. Now I am going to go take a few aspirin and go do something else.