7 Rules for Building Safer/Saner Online Communities

[Gayla]

I have never sent money to anyone that I knew only online although I have come very, very, very close several times. I have also invested huge amounts of time and energy into relationships (of the friendship kind) with people who have turned out to be less than truthful. Oh, and I've fallen madly in love with two people who turned out to be completely batshit crazy.

I've been online for a really long time, since the days of local BB's and Usenet, and I can't count the number of really amazing people that I've met along the way. I also can't count the number of not so great people that I've met.

Probably the most important thing that I've learned through the years is to do as much as you can to verify that the person you are about to send money to, fly across the country to meet for the first time, give your home phone number or address or place of employment, etc. is who they say they are before you do any of those things. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to talk about. Yes, it can appear as "untrusting". Yes, it can be a mood killer. But the only time I've ever had someone balk was when they had something to hide.

[BullDog]

I am someone who wants to see the good in people. I don't want to be guarded and suspicious. I've met some great people from online, but all the lies and lies of omission are quite staggering. I trust very few people these days.

[Daywalker]

I used to watch an Ex of mine lie to folks online a lot.

Wasn't until after we split that I told her all that I knew.

A few years later, and I discovered she hadn't changed a bit.

Folks like that run their game too long, and have to move on to other
Communities. I feel safer in knowing many of you have a true heart of Gold.

[Martina]

i also trusted someone who i met online and eventually in person to be what she presented herself as. It was a huge mistake. It was not romantic, but it became potentially dangerous for me. She is unstable. i honestly feel that i am dealing with some PTSD as a result of that connection. It was harrowing.

On the other hand, i met one of my best friends on the other site. She is a light in my life. i would trade all of the bad stuff for her any day. She and i chatted a little in threads and then met at a butch-femme gathering in Detroit and took the friendship into real time from there. i can't tell you the difference that that friendship has made to me. She's the best.

[AtLast]

Originally Posted by BullDog

I am someone who wants to see the good in people. I don't want to be guarded and suspicious. I've met some great people from online, but all the lies and lies of omission are quite staggering. I trust very few people these days.

I have met some great people as well. Unfortunately, others are quite unstable and lack boundaries. Yes, lies of omission are staggering! But, I certainly don't see this as specific to B-F sites. Although, I am much more guarded now with befriending people from the site after suffering a couple of traumatic events.

I applaud the admin for drawing attention to safety factors that we all need to pay attention to when relating via the net. Sad, but true.

[1PlayfulFemme]

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

I have met some great people as well. Unfortunately, others are quite unstable and lack boundaries. Yes, lies of omission are staggering! But, I certainly don't see this as specific to B-F sites. Although, I am much more guarded now with befriending people from the site after suffering a couple of traumatic events.

I applaud the admin for drawing attention to safety factors that we all need to pay attention to when relating via the net. Sad, but true.

I agree completly that it's not just BF sites! There are nutsy people everywhere you look in life, so why not online too? If anything, I think it's easier for them to be convincing online as they have this wonderful screen to hide behind.

I've been fooled. And, I've learned! I've sent money, and I've opened up my home to people who were "about to be kicked out"...who were still here two years later. I blame them and I blame myself. (And we took the "Home for Wayward Lesbians" sign down..that seemed to help!)

I second the voices that say to look into someone before doing anything like sending money/going to see them. Years ago in my most favorite chatroom, we had a bio male who for YEARS convinced us all he was a bio-lesbian-female. It was an LGBT room. There were men galore..but he was straight..and pitiful. The explosions when someone finally decided it was hooky that he was never available to meet up when someone was in his neck of the woods...whew! And it left quite the impression on me...I learned how easy it is for someone to pretend to be something they are not!

I'm thankful that not all the lessons I've learned about people have come at my own expense, and grateful that I tend to be a fast learner!!

Thanks for the thread..and the reminders!!

Lis <~~~~Who can provide BFP references *G*

[Chancie]

I've had creepy experiences with three people who were well known in the online bee eff community.

In one instance, there was a butch who got rough with me on a date, and I did mention what happened whenever another femme seemed to be getting to know her. There were times when it was challenging to PM someone I didn't really 'know'. There was a time or two when the femme was sort of pissed off with me, and I decided it was more important to share what I knew than to worry about my dignity.

In another instance, I mentioned to another femme that there was a butch I was talking to who I thought I might meet up with, and she didn't tell me that she was also talking to the same butch, and that she had asked the butch for money for some bill.

In the third story, there was a femme who was very jealous of me, not that I was ever lovers with her butch, or even interested in her butch, after the initial, Oh, hubba, she's handsome. This femme was physically aggressive with me in public, more than once. No, I am not kidding.

[hpychick]

This is great information!!! Thanks for posting it, and being brave enough to post your stories!

Sunny

[Andrew, Jr.]

Rosie & I had a horrible experience when someone showed up 2 years ago at our front door, no phone call, no email, no notice, no nothing. We had just pulled in our space to park our car. We were unloading the car from our vacation at the beach with friends. We weren't in the house 5 minutes when the doorbell rang. I had no clue who it was, nor did Rosie. But we opened the door. After talking briefly I was told who it was. This person called not only the Sheriff's office, but the state police department in trying to locate our home.

Rosie and I opened our home to this person for 3 days. It was not a good situation at all. The next thing I had to do was kick this person out because of what was posted online about us, and about her/his own personal issues.

We are very private and simple people. We have lent people money in the past, and never expected for it to be returned. Thank God for that because it never was repaid. We hired people to do things for me around the house that I couldn't do because I felt and still do feel it is the right thing to do, but they never showed up.

I believe in people, and until you know me, don't judge. It was like when someone who Rosie and I knew in real time called her "ugly and fat" to her face and then to mine. Oh yes. So, words hurt no matter if verbal or in print.

I also received a hate email from Spamex. It is a company that you buy a new email addy so your real email addy id is hidden. It was really a hatefilled letter to me and Rosie about being frauds, con-artists, and who I was/wasn't. It was very strange in all honesty because it was full of threats.

Next was on Secondlife - Backdoor. I won't even comment on what was said about me there. Most everyone knows. Everything online once is there for life.

Rosie and I have been to 2 bashes in the past, and several parties. However, we are very cautious now. We are older, and more wiser. I used to take everyone at their word. I am old school. I believed a handshake was all that was needed. Now everything needs to be in writing by a lawyer. Sad.

So if anyone who see's Rosie and I at Little Rock, we both are fat and quite happy. Be sure to introduce yourself to us. I may not remember you the next day, but keep telling me your name. I will get it! Please remember I had a major heart attack and lost that part of my short term memory.

[Mister Bent]

Originally Posted by Chancie

<snip> There was a time or two when the femme was sort of pissed off with me, and I decided it was more important to share what I knew than to worry about my dignity.

I've yet to find the "warning" others thing to be of any value. Ultimately when it comes to getting ass, people don't listen. I figure everyone gets to find out for themselves. And you can bet they will.

Given the number of "false warnings" it's little surprise people don't listen. The propensity for calling wolf has undermined overall reliability.

Fantastic message delivered in this thread, thank you Medusa.

[Isadora]

I am a survivor of on line emotional, financial and social abuse... and I have seen it all...(By social abuse I mean on-line, in chat, called names, made fun of, sending private photos to others, made up stories about, etc.)

The hardest is when betrayed by long time on-line/off-line "friends and mentors".

Although money is hurtful when gone, the emotional damage done to people by lies, betrayal, manipulation, etc., I think, harms more. At least it did me. I no longer hang on line like I used to, I don't trust new people (and some older ones), my heart was damaged too deeply. I hope no one has to deal with the people who suck your life dry while going on with theirs like they were free from responsibility, because they don't go away, they just find someone else to pray upon.

Good points, Medusa.

[Apocalipstic]

I have never sent money to anyone I met on line, but have given it in person and never expected it back...I try never to lend money I can't afford to lose...and the financial mistakes I have made have been in person (but no less painful).

What got me was when two different times, 2 different people made up personas to talk to me. It really creeped me out and I struggled with my stupidity for quite some time. I might not have fallen for it if a real time friend had not "vouched" for the person. Yes, there are con-artists and soul suckers out there. Be careful!.

I am so glad to see people speaking out. I wish someone had all those years ago when I was naive and oh so vulnerable.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Chancie

*snip*There were times when it was challenging to PM someone I didn't really 'know'. There was a time or two when the femme was sort of pissed off with me, and I decided it was more important to share what I knew than to worry about my dignity. *snip*

You are pretty damn fly...

----------------
In the interest of not making another post:

I think that for me I wouldn't have been taken advantage of if I had not been in the emotional space that I was personally in at the time. I wonder if this rings true for others, as well?

[Bard]

Add me to the taken for a ride folks more of the emotional type but she got me good as quite a few of you know and I thank god for all the good kind wonderful support from folks here.. and I also remember the support when I was in that bad accident people I have never met before came to see me in the hospital.. AS a law enforcement officer I am a cynic don't trust and I am way to protective. To the Amazing folks that made this safe place for those that keep it that way I thank you . yes I have been moderated a couple of times when I was a BAD BOI but it was done with respect... predators are out there yes but I just hope that we don't close our hearts

[Nat]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

You are pretty damn fly...

----------------
In the interest of not making another post:

I think that for me I wouldn't have been taken advantage of if I had not been in the emotional space that I was personally in at the time. I wonder if this rings true for others, as well?

There was a How Stuff Works podcast on cults where they said basically the most common factor among cult members is that they encountered the cult during a traumatic time in their lives like a divorce or death in the family. I think there's a similar parallel for other not-so-great situations - though anybody with an open, generous or trusting nature can run into that sort of trouble.

For many people it may just be a case of:

"Being that I flow in grief, the smallest twine may lead me."

-Leanato, Much Ado About Nothing

[Medusa]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

You are pretty damn fly...

----------------
In the interest of not making another post:

I think that for me I wouldn't have been taken advantage of if I had not been in the emotional space that I was personally in at the time. I wonder if this rings true for others, as well?

Chancie IS fly

I do think the last part rings true more often than we'd like to admit. I think that our emotional states can sometimes blind us to the red flags - and even more, there are folks out there who are super skilled at picking up on that wounded energy.

People who are going through breakups, health issues, major family crisis, etc. need to be especially careful about seeking out comfort with people who may see that as an opportunity to fuck them over.

I'm so thankful knowing that the people out there with good intentions far outweigh those folks with ugly hearts. <3