The Femme Continuum: The "Highs" and "Lows" of Visibility

[imperfect_cupcake]

And because of this and because of a very organsied and outgoing Individual who moved to london from her country, club wotever was started. and from that little wee club of generqueer that turned into club nights, weekly bar nights, movie nights and a sex club - club fuk (which just closed) and then started Bird Club because she felt there needed to be a feminine (she doesn't ID as femme, she ID's as Bird, which is the working class name for girl and she's very political in that way) gender queer club (temporarily closed due to lack of venue but she's still looking).

Apologies, I wrote too quickly and I realise there was some info missing. Ingo started wotever world with a lot of big help from the community and volunteers and Bird la Bird started Bird Club - if anyone wants any help or advice in starting gender queer clubs in their area, they are both on facebook. Wotever World (Ingo) and Bird la Bird (Kath) are their pages.

[Quintease]

I have to say that I've never felt invisible in London most of the time anyway.

[dykeumentary]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

Apologies, I wrote too quickly and I realise there was some info missing. Ingo started wotever world with a lot of big help from the community and volunteers and Bird la Bird started Bird Club - if anyone wants any help or advice in starting gender queer clubs in their area, they are both on facebook. Wotever World (Ingo) and Bird la Bird (Kath) are their pages.

Just would like to say that I've party-ed with Ingo and Ingo rocks. Go to anything Ingo produces !
Also would like to say that butches adore Femmes! So do "Femme" your own way and we will love You for You.
XO

[Medusa]

So, I'm completely out at work. Have been since day 1. ( I find it much easier to just bust it on out rather than let them find out later because I have a big mouth and don't do well keeping my business to myself).

Many folks at work have either met Jack or at least seen photos of her (on my desk). Today, someone who I have only worked with over the phone came to my office and seemed surprised that Jack is a big honkin' Butch.

Her words were: "It's not that you're a Lesbian, it's that I expected your girlfriend to look...you know...like YOU." (she meant feminine and in make-up etc.)

Anyone else had this happen where folks assume your partner must also be Femme just because you are?

[gaea]

Originally Posted by Medusa

So, I'm completely out at work. Have been since day 1. ( I find it much easier to just bust it on out rather than let them find out later because I have a big mouth and don't do well keeping my business to myself).

Many folks at work have either met Jack or at least seen photos of her (on my desk). Today, someone who I have only worked with over the phone came to my office and seemed surprised that Jack is a big honkin' Butch.

Her words were: "It's not that you're a Lesbian, it's that I expected your girlfriend to look...you know...like YOU." (she meant feminine and in make-up etc.)

Anyone else had this happen where folks assume your partner must also be Femme just because you are?

yes....the worst part is when they say why not just be with a bio male....ive tried explaining this over and over some get it some dont...

Im sorry you had this experience i hope you co worker wakes up and smells the coffee

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by gaea

yes....the worst part is when they say why not just be with a bio male....ive tried explaining this over and over some get it some dont...

Whenever some ass says, "If that's who you're attracted to, why not just be with a man?", I take a deep breath, look at them pointedly, and say, "Because I'm a lesbian". I make sure to say it in my sternest voice as I stare them down. GRRRRR.

If I'm feeling particularly generous I'll add that masculinity is not the sole provenance of males any more than femininity is strictly the provenance of females.

[ScandalAndy]

Last night as I walked out to the parking lot there were two gorgeous butches chatting next to the security gate. As I walked by I smiled and made eye contact, and they quickly looked away. What the heck do I have to do, wear a rainbow t-shirt every day to get my point across? One of them I've seen a few times around the site but never get to talk to. *sigh* I'm sick to death of being categorized as one of the straight women who work here.

[Sweet Bliss]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

Last night as I walked out to the parking lot there were two gorgeous butches chatting next to the security gate. As I walked by I smiled and made eye contact, and they quickly looked away. What the heck do I have to do, wear a rainbow t-shirt every day to get my point across? One of them I've seen a few times around the site but never get to talk to. *sigh* I'm sick to death of being categorized as one of the straight women who work here.

As I've gotten more "mature" (read as past 50) I have amazed myself at how much I've changed and stayed the same... Most folks see me as straight, and do a double take when they find out different. Which I find delightful, because it means at times I am completely invisible, (read ignored), which at times is extremely maddening. A friend commented to me once, "wow, men (bio) and women are both attracted to you? That must be wonderful!" And I'm thinking, not really, cause the Butch I want looks at me and treats me like his sister. So now when I see a Butch I'm interested in or other woman I'm attracted to for "whatever" (yes, i love all kinds of folks) if I were in your place approaching a "hottie" (whatever that means to you) I'd find a way to make sure that person "understands" that I'm liking what I'm seeing. So I get "ballsy" (so to speak) and make a comment, like for instance...

in the case of someone in uniform.... I might ask them to escort me to my car

or in the grocery store...... "excuse me, do you know anything about _____?"

or in other situations, a simple comment about their appearance usually breaks the ice.

Just a look from me does not do much, however if I wink, or do my "mmm, you look delicious" look + slow wicked smile, or after I pass by them, turn around for a second long look, I find it works more effectively then just eye contact. Trust me, honey, if you turn around for a better look, or stop and say something like, "Sugar, you MAKE that uniform...."... be sure and sashaye your hips, so when he/she watches you walk away, it's with interest....

Of course my favorite move is to cook something sweet for someone I have my eye on...... Like that hottie at Home Depot.... Lordie, I'm gonna faint if she ever ...... well, that's another thread....

Remember this mantra, "I am a sexy, delightful woman, (or what works for ya) and desirable, ....(you get the picture?)...." If you KNOW you are attracted to xyz, put that vibe out there, like "ya, I'm delicious!!"

Just my nickel today, do what you are comfortable with, put your personal spin on being your special self.

[princessbelle]

You know I really hate it, but it seems some straight people feel the b/f dynamic (broad) is so complicated.

For instance, when coming "out" to people here in my local town, including my mom, my boss, my friends, it is one thing to get them to wrap their head around the fact i'm gay. It is a whole other discussion trying to clarify i am attracted to the butch id'd people.

I've heard "you can't be gay your so girly" or "you have to be bisexual, you look like a girl" and on and on, as i'm sure you all know.

I used to believe it needed this deep explanation down to the core of how i id and education on how others id. I still have a hard time understanding why that is so hard to "get", but it truly seems to be.

There are very few femmes where i live, and most parties i've attended or adult gay bars there seems to be 90-100% more butch ID'd people. I honestly thought something was wrong with me being gay and being feminine until i found these sites.

I remember once years ago i was at a gay party here in town, and i was the only femme there. I walked up to a group of people who were talking and immediately they stopped talking and just stared at me. I will never forget that. I felt so misplaced, so invalid, and so alone. I don't know if they thought i was straight, or they just thought i was weird because of how feminine i was. All i know is it hurt me. I remember going home that night and crying my eyes out because i just didn't feel like i fit in anywhere, not in the straight world and not in the gay world.

It is hard finally coming out and then to have to determine where you fit in the gay community is another mountain....or at least it was for me.

When i found the word femme and saw pictures online on the dash site of feminine women who embraced the way they looked and stood proud of the way they ID'd it was so liberating for me. I had found my place.

Over the last couple of years, not only do i feel like i fit in, but i've made some beautiful relationships with other femmes and have opened my heart to the differences even within the term "femme".

I no longer go to bed crying and feeling alone in this world. I may still be sort of alone in this city, but now i know who i am and that i DO fit in and i am not misplaced.

I am part of a wonderful, dynamic, strong, positive group of women, and that makes me proud.