Stone Femme?

lillith · 07-11-2011, 06:53 PM

Thank you Sweet_Amor_Taino.

Ok, I have a generalized question: Do you think the dating pool is limited because you ID as a Stone Femme (in whatever capacity that means to you)?

CherylNYC · 07-11-2011, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lillith

Thank you Sweet_Amor_Taino.

Ok, I have a generalized question: Do you think the dating pool is limited because you ID as a Stone Femme (in whatever capacity that means to you)?

Oh, yes. Without doubt, yes. My dating pool has gotten very small, indeed. What's more, I face every possible romantic encounter with trepidation because I know that I'll have to explain myself to someone who may turn out to think that there's something terribly wrong with me. If I were more traditionally femme, my stonefemme boundaries might not seem quite so surprising to an interested butch.

I've been told that my dating pool would enlarge considerably if I were into trans guys, but I'm not.

atomiczombie · 07-12-2011, 02:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

Oh, yes. Without doubt, yes. My dating pool has gotten very small, indeed. What's more, I face every possible romantic encounter with trepidation because I know that I'll have to explain myself to someone who may turn out to think that there's something terribly wrong with me. If I were more traditionally femme, my stonefemme boundaries might not seem quite so surprising to an interested butch.

I've been told that my dating pool would enlarge considerably if I were into trans guys, but I'm not.

If you think your dating pool is small, you should see mine. It's more of a puddle, than a pool. lol

cuddlyfemme · 07-12-2011, 05:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

Oh, yes. Without doubt, yes. My dating pool has gotten very small, indeed. What's more, I face every possible romantic encounter with trepidation because I know that I'll have to explain myself to someone who may turn out to think that there's something terribly wrong with me. If I were more traditionally femme, my stonefemme boundaries might not seem quite so surprising to an interested butch.

I've been told that my dating pool would enlarge considerably if I were into trans guys, but I'm not.

I've been told the exact same thing regarding how my dating pool would enlarge regarding Trans guys

*Anya* · 07-12-2011, 06:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cuddlyfemme

I've been told the exact same thing regarding how my dating pool would enlarge regarding Trans guys

My own personal pool is pretty big. The water feels lovely & quite warm.

My criteria pretty much is sexual attraction-do I feel those butterflies? Is my heart pounding? If yes, that is the first step. Butch? Yes! TG? OK-fine with me-yes! Daddy? OK, I am interested-tell me more about the dynamic please! Yes! Stone butch? OK, lived as a stone femme in love for a long time!

I am not talking about all those other values that are so important-I am strictly talking about the initial attraction that tells one: yes, I would love to go out with you!

The pool shrinks a great deal when you are older. Not my choice, it is just a
reality. I am not limiting it by my identity as a femme.

I am dipping my toe in the pool, but I have not jumped and no one has pulled me in the pool (or pushed me in either...).

Regardless of how big or small our dating pool is, don't we at least need to
take that chance? As long as my own personal boundaries are respected, since age is now a factor in my dating pool; I personally need to be open to all
possibilities (which I may not have considered in my 20's).

Cannonball coming! Splash!

ScandalAndy · 07-12-2011, 07:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anya/Georgia

My own personal pool is pretty big. The water feels lovely & quite warm.

My criteria pretty much is sexual attraction-do I feel those butterflies? Is my heart pounding? If yes, that is the first step. Butch? Yes! TG? OK-fine with me-yes! Daddy? OK, I am interested-tell me more about the dynamic please! Yes! Stone butch? OK, lived as a stone femme in love for a long time!

I am not talking about all those other values that are so important-I am strictly talking about the initial attraction that tells one: yes, I would love to go out with you!

The pool shrinks a great deal when you are older. Not my choice, it is just a
reality. I am not limiting it by my identity as a femme.

I am dipping my toe in the pool, but I have not jumped and no one has pulled me in the pool (or pushed me in either...).

Regardless of how big or small our dating pool is, don't we at least need to
take that chance? As long as my own personal boundaries are respected, since age is now a factor in my dating pool; I personally need to be open to all
possibilities (which I may not have considered in my 20's).

Cannonball coming! Splash!

I agree, the size of the pool is getting smaller with age. This saddens me!

Soft*Silver · 07-12-2011, 10:03 PM

I was away a few days so I couldnt respond. I am back.

I dont think the label Stone Femme applies to me. I am not a traditionalist anylonger.

And Toughy, even if I wasnt a FemDom, I would be someone who packs. And yes, likes penetration as well but when i say. I prefer my partner to be quite submissive. But engaged.

My dating pool is quite large. I date who I am attracted to. I dont have preconceived barriers anymore. I never thought I would fucka a femme but yes, I would. However, the pool of people who would date me becme much smaller when mine became much larger. Not too many butches want a packing femme. Some people back away from me as a friend, let alone as a date or lover, because I am interested in and involved with MtFs. Shrug. Its ok. I barely have enough time for who I am involved with, let alone worry who wont be involved with me anylonger.

steel_magnolia · 07-13-2011, 08:55 PM

First, I am brand new to the site. I am so glad to have found this thread! I just read through the entire thing, and thought I would post all my thoughts on different aspects that came up at once. I apologize in advance for the length (and the possible TMI!).

1) What does "stone femme" mean in general?

I think we really need to deconstruct this term. For me, "stone" refers to a type of sexual expression - sex with very clear boundaries around touch. "Butch" and "femme" add more clarity to the stone part - do my boundaries revolve around what is done to me or what I do to others? However, "butch" and "femme" also refer to someone's particular flavor of gender presentation, and perhaps even the flavor of gender presentation they are attracted to.

And there's the disconnect, the ambiguity of the term. "Stone" is well understood. It's the loaded "butch" or "femme" used to modify it that's a problem, because those words have so many layered meanings. Maybe we should come up with another way to modify the word "stone" to refer solely to boundaries, and let "butch" and "femme" refer strictly to gender ID? That might make things easier for stone femmes who don't want to be penetrated. And would also create a safe place for butches who are cool with receiving penetration but not necessarily penetrating their partner (with all this variety I'm sure there are some of those too.) Something to think about...

2) What does "stone femme" mean to me?

Sexually I'm stone femme because I'm strictly a "catcher" when it comes to sex. I have a high sex drive and I am VERY responsive, but actively going beyond cuddling and petting is just not me. Mouth-to-mouth kissing is often a struggle, much less any sort of penetration on my partner. I tried for years to force myself to "reciprocate" and felt awful afterwards, like I had allowed myself to be violated. This led to all kinds of feelings of guilt, inadequacy, judgment from my partners, worries over being frigid, a reluctance to get involved in any relationship at all...

It was only when someone pointed out that I was a stone femme - and reassured me that being a stone femme was totally ok - that I was able to actually accept and enjoy my sexuality. Now I revel in the idea that my responsiveness works for my partner, that I can care for them in ways that compliment without mimicking the ways they care for me. It frees me to explore my sexuality, cuddle/pet/massage my partner, and do all the sharing I love to do in relationships without fear, guilt, or doubt.

My also being a femme gender-wise just makes the term all-around more comfortable for me.

2) Are you stone femme because you date stone butches, or is it something innate? Does it change according to your partner?

My being stone femme has absolutely nothing to do with my partners and everything to do with me. I have my boundaries regardless of who I'm with. However, I exclusively go for masculine gender presentations regardless of the physical plumbing - butches, stone butches, trans, even a few bioguys. Since I'm stone relationships tend to work better if my partner of whatever ID is stone too, and stone butches and transmen seem to be the majority of the "masculine" and "stone" crowd.

3) Is the dating pool limited because I ID as a stone femme?

Oh, yes. I prefer to save the emotional energy of a relationship for those who can work with my methods of sexual expression - and everyone else seems to do the same. However, when I do date someone who is cool with my being stone there is this mutually created non-judgmental space that is incredibly comfortable and freeing. Even if it doesn't work out romantically I've never not gained a friendship out of it.

And that is PLENTY of babble on the topic. Thanks for posting something so interesting!

07-11-2011, 06:53 PM	#1
lillith Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her, hey you! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 514 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 204 Thanked 687 Times in 224 Posts Rep Power: 5173241	Thank you Sweet_Amor_Taino. Ok, I have a generalized question: Do you think the dating pool is limited because you ID as a Stone Femme (in whatever capacity that means to you)? __________________ now how can you ignore a dancing pink elephant? and how i so wish it would rain here.

07-12-2011, 10:03 PM	#7
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,908 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	I was away a few days so I couldnt respond. I am back. I dont think the label Stone Femme applies to me. I am not a traditionalist anylonger. And Toughy, even if I wasnt a FemDom, I would be someone who packs. And yes, likes penetration as well but when i say. I prefer my partner to be quite submissive. But engaged. My dating pool is quite large. I date who I am attracted to. I dont have preconceived barriers anymore. I never thought I would fucka a femme but yes, I would. However, the pool of people who would date me becme much smaller when mine became much larger. Not too many butches want a packing femme. Some people back away from me as a friend, let alone as a date or lover, because I am interested in and involved with MtFs. Shrug. Its ok. I barely have enough time for who I am involved with, let alone worry who wont be involved with me anylonger. __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

07-13-2011, 08:55 PM	#8
steel_magnolia Junior Member How Do You Identify?: Queer stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, etc. Relationship Status: OK with being single, but open to developments Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: New Jersey Posts: 5 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2 Thanked 37 Times in 3 Posts Rep Power: 0	My response to ALL of the questions posted above... First, I am brand new to the site. I am so glad to have found this thread! I just read through the entire thing, and thought I would post all my thoughts on different aspects that came up at once. I apologize in advance for the length (and the possible TMI!). 1) What does "stone femme" mean in general? I think we really need to deconstruct this term. For me, "stone" refers to a type of sexual expression - sex with very clear boundaries around touch. "Butch" and "femme" add more clarity to the stone part - do my boundaries revolve around what is done to me or what I do to others? However, "butch" and "femme" also refer to someone's particular flavor of gender presentation, and perhaps even the flavor of gender presentation they are attracted to. And there's the disconnect, the ambiguity of the term. "Stone" is well understood. It's the loaded "butch" or "femme" used to modify it that's a problem, because those words have so many layered meanings. Maybe we should come up with another way to modify the word "stone" to refer solely to boundaries, and let "butch" and "femme" refer strictly to gender ID? That might make things easier for stone femmes who don't want to be penetrated. And would also create a safe place for butches who are cool with receiving penetration but not necessarily penetrating their partner (with all this variety I'm sure there are some of those too.) Something to think about... 2) What does "stone femme" mean to me? Sexually I'm stone femme because I'm strictly a "catcher" when it comes to sex. I have a high sex drive and I am VERY responsive, but actively going beyond cuddling and petting is just not me. Mouth-to-mouth kissing is often a struggle, much less any sort of penetration on my partner. I tried for years to force myself to "reciprocate" and felt awful afterwards, like I had allowed myself to be violated. This led to all kinds of feelings of guilt, inadequacy, judgment from my partners, worries over being frigid, a reluctance to get involved in any relationship at all... It was only when someone pointed out that I was a stone femme - and reassured me that being a stone femme was totally ok - that I was able to actually accept and enjoy my sexuality. Now I revel in the idea that my responsiveness works for my partner, that I can care for them in ways that compliment without mimicking the ways they care for me. It frees me to explore my sexuality, cuddle/pet/massage my partner, and do all the sharing I love to do in relationships without fear, guilt, or doubt. My also being a femme gender-wise just makes the term all-around more comfortable for me. 2) Are you stone femme because you date stone butches, or is it something innate? Does it change according to your partner? My being stone femme has absolutely nothing to do with my partners and everything to do with me. I have my boundaries regardless of who I'm with. However, I exclusively go for masculine gender presentations regardless of the physical plumbing - butches, stone butches, trans, even a few bioguys. Since I'm stone relationships tend to work better if my partner of whatever ID is stone too, and stone butches and transmen seem to be the majority of the "masculine" and "stone" crowd. 3) Is the dating pool limited because I ID as a stone femme? Oh, yes. I prefer to save the emotional energy of a relationship for those who can work with my methods of sexual expression - and everyone else seems to do the same. However, when I do date someone who is cool with my being stone there is this mutually created non-judgmental space that is incredibly comfortable and freeing. Even if it doesn't work out romantically I've never not gained a friendship out of it. And that is PLENTY of babble on the topic. Thanks for posting something so interesting! Last edited by steel_magnolia; 07-13-2011 at 08:56 PM. Reason: Typo