Poly Relationships

[casey35]

I have to admit i have flirted with poly and it seems to work well for those who can share. As I get older I want to find an equal balance and if that can happen with more then one that be nice and if not so be it.

[WickedFemme]

subscribing

[Dragonfly]

I was out (partially since I was not out to all my family) since I was 17, Id'ing as a bisexual while I was figuring it all out. I was in committed and open relationships from high school until 2006. thats 20 years or so. I would not have a secondary relationship with someone if my primary partner was not ok with it, but my two husbands were both supportive of my exploring my feelings for women. It began as a third party joining in, But from age 19 on, I did not have sexual intimacy with both of my partners at the same time. I was developing emotional ties that were new and I was leaning towards my female relationships. The relationships I developed with my girlfriends were completely separate from my marriage.

I didn't always have the type of partner to have full trust and honesty. My first husband was a nightmare long story. I would not consider a poly relationship with just anyone. I would be more selective and careful before becoming involved in one again because of knowing the reality of both sides. I have had monogamy that was completely fulfilling but I am not opposed or closed to the option of a poly relationship because of that. And vice versa.

My last relationship was off and on, but when 'on' we were monogamous as she claimed was her preference... turned out she would see other people secretly while she would have me committed to only her. I can say having that total trust and open honesty bond from my last poly relationship sounded durn good about the time I learned that lesson.... so put more simply, I gage that choice, poly or monogamy based SOLEY on the individual/s I am involved with.... and it is a process of developing that trust, I dont just jump right in from day one with that decision.

[femmebaker]

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

[Linus]

Originally Posted by femmebaker

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

As with any relationship, it's a matter of finding the right person. I know of a few out there who would probably be ok with it depending upon how their relationship would be with your husband, etc. So I do think it's a matter of patience and just looking..

[femmebaker]

Originally Posted by Linus

As with any relationship, it's a matter of finding the right person. I know of a few out there who would probably be ok with it depending upon how their relationship would be with your husband, etc. So I do think it's a matter of patience and just looking..

Yes, the proverbial needle in the haystack. So, how about you, Linus? Are you practicing poly or do you remain in the curios onlooker category? What would your criteria be if you were to be someone's "second" relationship? (I hate the term "secondary.") Would you want to be buddies or remain respectably detached from the husband? Do you have theories/best practices?

[LieslKate]

"Big Love" is related to poly relationships inasmuch as "The L Word" was to real life for Lesbians... a Hollywood farce.

I would be interested to know a couple of things from anyone currently or previously involved in a poly relationship:

1. the duration of the relationship in years

2. the makeup of the relationship ie: Butch/Trans to Femme or Boi ratio

3. What lead to the demise of the relationship (if it has ended)

4. Was it a real time/life either living together communally or separate or an online relationship.

It's been my experience both personal and from others that for the most part they are relatively short-termed (under 5 year duration) and more commonly either Leather or BDSM relationship based.

Thanks...

[Linus]

Originally Posted by femmebaker

Yes, the proverbial needle in the haystack. So, how about you, Linus? Are you practicing poly or do you remain in the curios onlooker category? What would your criteria be if you were to be someone's "second" relationship? (I hate the term "secondary.") Would you want to be buddies or remain respectably detached from the husband? Do you have theories/best practices?

Hrm.. I wouldn't say that I'm entirely naive but neither am I experienced a few times around the block. I think right now opportunity hasn't fully presented itself and exhaustion from work has taken priority of late. That said, my ideal as it were -- if I was secondary (and I do agree in that I dislike that term) -- would be to be possible buddies with the husband/other partner. Although I admit that K and I would prefer to find a couple that we could be attached to.

There isn't -- in my book -- a best practise or theory, other than it's similar to other relationships. What works for you and yours may not work for me and mine. I've tried detached before and it worked ok but if I could be buddies then there could be an opportunity to him/hy/her and myself to hang out and do things (I need that occassional cigar buddy or sports buddy).

I suppose a lot of this is because I want to ensure open communication by all parties and don't want anyone to be without love, whether from me or others in the partnership.

It's been my experience both personal and from others that for the most part they are relatively short-termed (under 5 year duration) and more commonly either Leather or BDSM relationship based.

Interesting. My experience has been different. I've seen long relationships with vanilla people (A hetero friend of mine has been going on for over 10 years now and an FTM buddy of mine has had one for well over 6 years) as much as others (leather/BDSM/<insert other sexual choice>). Poly, to me, isn't about the sex but rather about the intimate bonding with others (they may or may not tickle my sexual "pickle").

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by femmebaker

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

Just wanted to add my voice here and say that being upfront and honest is the only way you will find what you are looking for. In my opinion there are more than most realize and this post of yours makes you more appealing imho because you are being real and open and sad to say that is a rare thing in the world. I would be willing to give my heart to someone who was happily married if said person was the right one it would all work out. What's meant to be will be w true committment and selfless love. So I think anyway.

[Bad Bad Boi]

Hey all,

Have really enjoyed this discussion and am subscribing to the thread.

I am new to the idea of poly possibilities in my own life.

I have known they exist but never had any idea how they could possibly work.

But recently I have had to come to grips with the fact that I love a woman in CA - who we only get to see each other 2 - 3 times a year. I thought at first that as I dated others, my feelings for her would dim... but Noooo.

So now I am considering the possibility of finding an East Coast relationship in which jealosy isn't the primary ingredient... allowing me to maintain a relationship with my CA love.

I do understand that it is more than possible to love and care about more than one person at the same time.

So thanks for starting this thread and the great discussion that is found here.

Peace and Blessings,

David

[princessbelle]

I know poly can work. I've seen it work. People in this thread and site show that it can work.

I was in a poly relationship that went wrong and I was hurt beyond any pain I could imagine possible. But, I do realize that there were so many things that were done wrong by my partner and by myself and by the other girl that it is no wonder it ended in disaster. It has taken a long time to heal, and parts of me are still in mourning, however getting better all the time.

So, even though I have been there done that and suffered through what I thought had destroyed my life, I have evolved from the pain to a stronger and more self nurturing person. I am open minded enough to realize that poly can be a very healthy, fullfilling, loving and a wonderful life for the right people.

Would I ever do it again? Doubtful, however never say never.

signed....

one who keeps all possibilities open when it comes to happiness....

[The_Lady_Snow]

I like My poly neat, drama free & where everyone minds to their own business when Master is busy.