Poly Relationships

[Linus]

Originally Posted by femmebaker

It's nice to see a (semi) active poly thread. My husband and I are exploring that right now.

I definitely think communication is key, along with a willingness to deal with the inevitable uncomfortable feelings of jealousy. At least on a theoretical level, the idea of more love, more intimacy, more sex is very appealing.

What I'm encountering, however, is a general lack of butches who are interested in it. Are there really butches out there who would date a happily married femme?

As with any relationship, it's a matter of finding the right person. I know of a few out there who would probably be ok with it depending upon how their relationship would be with your husband, etc. So I do think it's a matter of patience and just looking..

[femmebaker]

Originally Posted by Linus

As with any relationship, it's a matter of finding the right person. I know of a few out there who would probably be ok with it depending upon how their relationship would be with your husband, etc. So I do think it's a matter of patience and just looking..

Yes, the proverbial needle in the haystack. So, how about you, Linus? Are you practicing poly or do you remain in the curios onlooker category? What would your criteria be if you were to be someone's "second" relationship? (I hate the term "secondary.") Would you want to be buddies or remain respectably detached from the husband? Do you have theories/best practices?

[LieslKate]

"Big Love" is related to poly relationships inasmuch as "The L Word" was to real life for Lesbians... a Hollywood farce.

I would be interested to know a couple of things from anyone currently or previously involved in a poly relationship:

1. the duration of the relationship in years

2. the makeup of the relationship ie: Butch/Trans to Femme or Boi ratio

3. What lead to the demise of the relationship (if it has ended)

4. Was it a real time/life either living together communally or separate or an online relationship.

It's been my experience both personal and from others that for the most part they are relatively short-termed (under 5 year duration) and more commonly either Leather or BDSM relationship based.

Thanks...

[Linus]

Originally Posted by femmebaker

Yes, the proverbial needle in the haystack. So, how about you, Linus? Are you practicing poly or do you remain in the curios onlooker category? What would your criteria be if you were to be someone's "second" relationship? (I hate the term "secondary.") Would you want to be buddies or remain respectably detached from the husband? Do you have theories/best practices?

Hrm.. I wouldn't say that I'm entirely naive but neither am I experienced a few times around the block. I think right now opportunity hasn't fully presented itself and exhaustion from work has taken priority of late. That said, my ideal as it were -- if I was secondary (and I do agree in that I dislike that term) -- would be to be possible buddies with the husband/other partner. Although I admit that K and I would prefer to find a couple that we could be attached to.

There isn't -- in my book -- a best practise or theory, other than it's similar to other relationships. What works for you and yours may not work for me and mine. I've tried detached before and it worked ok but if I could be buddies then there could be an opportunity to him/hy/her and myself to hang out and do things (I need that occassional cigar buddy or sports buddy).

I suppose a lot of this is because I want to ensure open communication by all parties and don't want anyone to be without love, whether from me or others in the partnership.

It's been my experience both personal and from others that for the most part they are relatively short-termed (under 5 year duration) and more commonly either Leather or BDSM relationship based.

Interesting. My experience has been different. I've seen long relationships with vanilla people (A hetero friend of mine has been going on for over 10 years now and an FTM buddy of mine has had one for well over 6 years) as much as others (leather/BDSM/<insert other sexual choice>). Poly, to me, isn't about the sex but rather about the intimate bonding with others (they may or may not tickle my sexual "pickle").

[femmebaker]

Linus,

Thank you for your thoughts. I, too, am attached to the idea of everyone getting along as friends at the very least. The notion of two couples coming together for friendship, affection, love, sex in a variety of combination is hugely appealing. It seems incredibly unlikely most of the time, but appealing all the same. It also would seem that if everyone know and likes one another (if not "loves"), there would be less potential for undermining and jealousy issues to surface. It's nice to dream...

[Lady_Wu]

I am in a polyandrous (two masculine people) marriage. This took us a long time to work out. Both "men" -one a FtM, the other a Karma male, hard to explain but not male in body-are intensely possessive. We were involved in a long term relationship for 4 years. Then X disappeared, leaving J and me bewildered and grieving. When he reappeared, we talked about what we wanted in life. They decided together that what each wanted was MY happiness. Since I loved and had loved both of them for a long time, they got together, drew up a Taoist/Confucian marriage contract and presented it to me. When I read it, I was thrilled. It was what I had wanted for all of my life. I in essence belong to each of them. The only thing I can do the would invalidate the marriage (witnessed and contracted by a Zen Priest) will be to go outside the marriage to another person. I am extremely happy. I am Empress of the household. They are supportive of each other and good friends. We live together in a small house. I would say that communication, respect for each other, clear boundaries, kindness, and love (in this case love for me) are paramount in keeping this marriage working. We are all happy with our decision and expect to be together for the rest of our lives. X is the eldest of us but in the best health; J is in his mid-fifties, and I am in my late 40s. They are the reason I remain in WV. I love both so dearly that I think that I would, and almost have, grieve to death without each of them. We have been together for almost 6 years now. This is rather unusual in that it is a polyandrous (2"men") rather than a polygamous (2 or more women) marriage. I feel extremely lucky in having the love of two such extraordinary "men". I am loved, cherished, and protected. Each would gladly die for me, and I for them. This is our life.
Lady_Wu, Kikkion to the Yellow Emperor and to the Lin.

[JustAGirl]

Wow, LadyWu! As a lover of man in general, my first though in mind (as I ingest and contemplate this thread) is how "the norm" view poly relationships i.e. it's almost every man's dream to have 2 girls sexually accessible...

I just wonder (if in poly relationships) if things turn territorial in other poly relationships. For instance, I can't sleep/fuck there if I know my lover has been in the bed with another. :/ Too close to "home" baby.

The older I get the more I can separate love and sex...

[casey35]

In 6 days i will be welcoming my new lover in to our house( my partner and I). This will be a totally new experience for us, figuring out the boundries of each and making sure no feelings are hurt. I have talk to several people on this situation and how they dealt with things . So hoping with all my heart we have a very loving home.