Modern Manners - Facebook et al

[1QuirkyKiwi]

These head-games online are one of the reasons I don’t have Facebook and Twitter. Emails are just a small part of dating for me; real time is where I’m comfortable. I can’t and won’t fall in love with a woman I’ve never met in person, nor spent time with face to face.

Anyone who doesn’t have any manners, respect or understanding of boundaries is not going to be a part of my life.

[MysticOceansFL]

Originally Posted by 1QuirkyKiwi

These head-games online are one of the reasons I don’t have Facebook and Twitter. Emails are just a small part of dating for me; real time is where I’m comfortable. I can’t and won’t fall in love with a woman I’ve never met in person, nor spent time with face to face.

Anyone who doesn’t have any manners, respect or understanding of boundaries is not going to be a part of my life.

Ms Kiwigal, I so agree with you 100% I'm very much the same way also.

[atomiczombie]

I am someone who firmly believes that you can't really genuinely fall for someone or love them until you really know them, and you can't really know someone until you spend time with them and in person. And not just a couple dates, it takes time to get to know someone. Someone who falls fast for me or falls in love just from a few emails, chats, etc, that is a red flag for me because they don't really know me. They are falling in love with some image they have of me, and not the real me, since they don't really know me.

It sounds like this person you were dating, genghisfaw, is really immature and you dodged a bullet. Good luck on your dating adventures!

[adorable]

I’m going to take some liberties and answer this entire post. Of course, I am basing this entirely on your post and may not have all the information I need to actually figure it out. I rarely do. And my answers are from the perspective of someone who owns the The Complete Shakespeare and has memorized entire sonnets. In the responses to posts like this it's easy for me to "spot the scientist" lol, rarely will you find a poet that uses the words logic and love in the same stanza.

So...my take for what it's worth.

So I was going on dates with someone recently - just dates. I was clear that I am enjoying being single and just dating but that I am open to taking things slow, etc. Hy seemed fine with this and said hy was enjoying the same. – This is fairly standard I think.
Fast forward. Seems hy's carrying on a rather intense romance with someone via Facebook. – No hy’s not, hy just wants you to think he is.
This is someone hy's never met and never will meet (too far, too expensive, etc.) –Here is the proof.
I ask hym to please let her know hy's also dating other people, just to be fair to her. - Hy was hoping you’d say that.
Hy starts getting a little on the odd side. –Again, fairly standard.
I'm not saying mean or weird, but definitely starting to crowd my space too much. – Further proof that the other girl probably doesn’t exist.
I redraw my boundaries in the nicest way possible, and ask hym to please give me a little time. –This likely hurt hys feelings, so to seem like hy didn’t care…The next day hy's changed hys relationship status to reflect that hy and this girl are in a relationship.
-because you responded before and hy is hoping for the same. Hey, jealousy. (Also a great song by the Cranberries btw)

So the question is:

Are modern manners so bad nowadays that it's no longer just the height of rudeness to have to find out via e-mail that one is no longer eligible for dates, but indirectly via social media? Yes.
Is this okay? People don’t stop being people online. Even if it’s all true and there is some girl in South Beach, or wherever, this is no different than the guy that suddenly stopped calling when you thought it was going so well. Back in the dark ages, (you know, back before Al Gore invented the internet,) the only way we knew why they stopped calling was if we happened to see them out with another girl.
I'm actually so stymied by the rudeness of it all - rather, the rudeness I perceive - that I'm really not sure if it's okay at all. –Well, no it’s not technically ok. Dating, love, relationships, people are all so complicated, most of it’s not ok. It does serve as a delicious distraction though from the repetitive tasks people have to accomplish every day. (And serve to create great works of literature.) Hollylane is very right, I think. How we fall in love or when or why has no bearing on the circumstances we found ourselves in when it happened. Why do you care if “she” knows that hy is dating other people since you told him you were happy being single? I think you showed your hand when hys online “relationship” bothered you. So now (it seems to me) you have two choices. It depends on how much you actually like hym. If playing games really bothers you, and some people it really does, then it sounds like your decision will be easy. If playing games doesn’t bother you...it would be fairly easy to sink his Battleship. The game (when speaking of love or baseball or Scrabble), when played well (or even badly) by two people of like minds, is one of the most thrilling experiences of all time. (imo)

[genghisfawn]

Originally Posted by adorable

[COLOR="Green"]Why do you care if “she” knows that hy is dating other people since you told him you were happy being single? I think you showed your hand when hys online “relationship” bothered you.

Thanks for your reply!

I wish I could explain what I was actually feeling... when I asked hym to be fair and tell her that hy was seeing other people, it was because hy was complaining to me about her clinginess but also hadn't told her about me or anyone else. So, because I was unimpressed by this disingenuity, I asked hym to at least talk to her and clarify that hy was seeing other people. I was rather upset - I even excused myself very nicely and went home to think.

I started the thread mainly because I wanted to know if this Facebook passive-aggression was common. It's never happened to me because I've been in relationships while Facebook was gaining popularity, and I'm just stymied by how much importance people lend it in everyday life.

[girl_dee]

modern day Dear Jane/John letters...

People either have it in their character to be respectful or they don't.

[adorable]

Originally Posted by genghisfawn

Thanks for your reply!

I wish I could explain what I was actually feeling... when I asked hym to be fair and tell her that hy was seeing other people, it was because hy was complaining to me about her clinginess but also hadn't told her about me or anyone else. So, because I was unimpressed by this disingenuity, I asked hym to at least talk to her and clarify that hy was seeing other people. I was rather upset - I even excused myself very nicely and went home to think.

I started the thread mainly because I wanted to know if this Facebook passive-aggression was common. It's never happened to me because I've been in relationships while Facebook was gaining popularity, and I'm just stymied by how much importance people lend it in everyday life.

Oh, I think most of us have been there with not being able to explain what we are feeling. I think what I have tried to embrace is exactly that. Fighting it seems, well, pointless. It really is ok if I can't explain it. More will be revealed. Always.

I can be guilty of outsmarting myself sometimes. This is why facebook is not so great when you are into someone. The risk is in revealing too much or wanting to know more. Passive-aggressiveness when it comes to dating is common because it's very much a cat and mouse game. Outright aggression is frowned upon, that is why we refer to it as "the dance." Yet, unless we are aggressive somehow, or have some sort of strategy, we will never get what we really want. The trick is in knowing when to risk and what. Being good at poker, or chess, (or a war historian) comes in handy.

Having conversations like the one you described is more like baiting, or hym trying to force your hand. Kind of a high school tactic on hys part, but everyone isn't working at the same skill level. lol.