Can You Really Be Friends With An Ex?

Cuddles · 02-25-2012, 02:08 PM

The more replies I read and the more I take them into consideration the more I lean towards one decision over the other.

I agree with The_Lady_Snow that boundaries are probably something I lacked in this past relationship.

I think a part of the reason I wanted to talk to her again when she reached out was that I am in a lonely place right now, relationship-wise. But that doesn't erase the past and it's something I don't wish to ever repeat.

I've only ever been in two serious relationships and the first one we've not spoken in many years. That was her wish because she told me it was all or nothing and being so young and inexperienced I was not ready to commit.

I want to believe, and I know it's true for many, that you can be friends with an ex... but I don't think it's true for all ex's. Sigh...

PaPa · 02-25-2012, 02:11 PM

Recognizing your motivations for a friendship and hers helps a lot. Make sure you are very self-aware of your space at all times. I do believe it is possible to be friends with exes, but as Snow said the boundaries must be in place. I hope things work out whichever way you decide.

The_Lady_Snow · 02-25-2012, 02:13 PM

She/the ex, probably knows you're gonna cave in cause you're a lil vulnerable (you being lonely)..

Just becareful and stay strong Cuddles!!!

T4Texas · 02-25-2012, 02:17 PM

Yes it's true you can be friends with an ex. But it depends a lot on the nature of the relationship you had with them. I am friends with mine and even with their new significant others, but it's only because my head is in the right place for it now, and that wasn't always so. As for you, setting boundaries would be wise because it sounds like you are ripe to get sucked in again.
It's too bad people can't appreciate you so much when they are with you, but have to end the relationships to really understand how supportive, kind or understanding you might have been.

Cuddles · 02-25-2012, 02:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by T4Texas

It's too bad people can't appreciate you so much when they are with you, but have to end the relationships to really understand how supportive, kind or understanding you might have been.

Story of my life, even with friends lol

Thank you all. You've given me a lot to consider. I'm supposed to talk to her in an hour. I'm thinking pretty clearly right now so I won't be going in blind. It may not turn out to be much of anything but I know her pretty well and if she's not changed then I have reason to tread carefully.

Thanks again.

*Anya* · 02-25-2012, 02:33 PM

For me, it depends on the circumstance of the end of the relationship.

My 1st GF and I realized we were better as friends than lovers and were able to go back to being very good friends. We had dinner together with our new partners, shared holidays, etc.

My most recent ex- no. It was a painful breakup and I did try to develop a friend relationship with her but just could not do it. It was just too difficult for me.

Different circumstance, different outcome.

aishah · 02-25-2012, 02:49 PM

it depends. i'm friends with almost all of my exes and i think it's totally possible - i'm still extremely close (friendship-wise only) with two of them. but in this particular case i'd find it troubling that she wants to start out a friendship based off of her needing you...that doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic. not that friends shouldn't help each other but it seems odd that she's coming to you like this when you don't already have a friendship established. i second the need for boundaries.

Cuddles · 02-25-2012, 03:22 PM

The basis for reconnecting is due to the fact that she told me she finally took the advice I'd given her two years prior about a drastic change needed in her life. She's not had an easy life at all and I do feel bad for her in that regard.

However it's not a situation I want to get back into. I agreed to talk with her to give her a chance to vent a little and seek some friendly advice.

If I get the slightest hint that she's seeking more than advice, I'll be sure to stop the conversation and remind her of the boundaries.

I may be lonely, but I'm not self-loathing, nor am I THAT desperate. Sometimes I think I'd have an easier time in life if I was more hard up on my emotions... but if that were the case I wouldn't be so darn cuddly lol.

02-25-2012, 02:13 PM	#3
The_Lady_Snow MILLION $$$ PUSSY How Do You Identify?: Kinky, Raw, Perverted, Uber Queer Alpha Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Iconic Ms. Relationship Status: Keeper of 3, only one has the map to my freckles Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: La Reina del Sur Posts: 22,488 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 32,231 Thanked 80,077 Times in 15,670 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	Thoughts She/the ex, probably knows you're gonna cave in cause you're a lil vulnerable (you being lonely).. Just becareful and stay strong Cuddles!!! __________________ "If you’re going to play these dirty games of ours, then you might as well indulge completely. It’s all about turning back into an animal and that’s the beauty of it. Place your guilt on the sidewalk and take a blow torch to it (guilt is usually worthless anyway). Be perverted, be filthy, do things that mannered people shouldn’t do. If you’re going to be gross then go for it and don’t wimp out."---Master Aiden

02-25-2012, 02:17 PM	#4
T4Texas Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Ready to play again! Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 233 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 436 Thanked 647 Times in 167 Posts Rep Power: 6739721	Yes it's true you can be friends with an ex. But it depends a lot on the nature of the relationship you had with them. I am friends with mine and even with their new significant others, but it's only because my head is in the right place for it now, and that wasn't always so. As for you, setting boundaries would be wise because it sounds like you are ripe to get sucked in again. It's too bad people can't appreciate you so much when they are with you, but have to end the relationships to really understand how supportive, kind or understanding you might have been. __________________ Chivalry is when you meet a woman you would rather die for, than live with.

02-25-2012, 02:33 PM	#6
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,445 Times in 7,285 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	For me, it depends on the circumstance of the end of the relationship. My 1st GF and I realized we were better as friends than lovers and were able to go back to being very good friends. We had dinner together with our new partners, shared holidays, etc. My most recent ex- no. It was a painful breakup and I did try to develop a friend relationship with her but just could not do it. It was just too difficult for me. Different circumstance, different outcome. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

02-25-2012, 02:08 PM	#1
Cuddles Junior Member How Do You Identify?: A romantic butch who loves to cuddle... and steal your french fry when you're not looking! Preferred Pronoun?: No preference. Relationship Status: Single, always looking to mingle and maybe be tamed one day Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Northern Florida Posts: 61 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 117 Thanked 191 Times in 36 Posts Rep Power: 1805812	The more replies I read and the more I take them into consideration the more I lean towards one decision over the other. I agree with The_Lady_Snow that boundaries are probably something I lacked in this past relationship. I think a part of the reason I wanted to talk to her again when she reached out was that I am in a lonely place right now, relationship-wise. But that doesn't erase the past and it's something I don't wish to ever repeat. I've only ever been in two serious relationships and the first one we've not spoken in many years. That was her wish because she told me it was all or nothing and being so young and inexperienced I was not ready to commit. I want to believe, and I know it's true for many, that you can be friends with an ex... but I don't think it's true for all ex's. Sigh...

02-25-2012, 02:11 PM	#2
PaPa Senior Member How Do You Identify?: GQ Butch Daddy Relationship Status: A Very Protective BIG Daddy... Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 2,657 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,597 Thanked 5,871 Times in 1,530 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Recognizing your motivations for a friendship and hers helps a lot. Make sure you are very self-aware of your space at all times. I do believe it is possible to be friends with exes, but as Snow said the boundaries must be in place. I hope things work out whichever way you decide.

02-25-2012, 02:49 PM	#7
aishah Member How Do You Identify?: queer stone femme shark baby girl Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, little one Relationship Status: dating myself. Join Date: Jan 2012 Location: dallas, tx Posts: 1,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,823 Thanked 6,440 Times in 1,288 Posts Rep Power: 21474851	it depends. i'm friends with almost all of my exes and i think it's totally possible - i'm still extremely close (friendship-wise only) with two of them. but in this particular case i'd find it troubling that she wants to start out a friendship based off of her needing you...that doesn't seem like a healthy dynamic. not that friends shouldn't help each other but it seems odd that she's coming to you like this when you don't already have a friendship established. i second the need for boundaries.

02-25-2012, 03:22 PM	#8
Cuddles Junior Member How Do You Identify?: A romantic butch who loves to cuddle... and steal your french fry when you're not looking! Preferred Pronoun?: No preference. Relationship Status: Single, always looking to mingle and maybe be tamed one day Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Northern Florida Posts: 61 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 117 Thanked 191 Times in 36 Posts Rep Power: 1805812	The basis for reconnecting is due to the fact that she told me she finally took the advice I'd given her two years prior about a drastic change needed in her life. She's not had an easy life at all and I do feel bad for her in that regard. However it's not a situation I want to get back into. I agreed to talk with her to give her a chance to vent a little and seek some friendly advice. If I get the slightest hint that she's seeking more than advice, I'll be sure to stop the conversation and remind her of the boundaries. I may be lonely, but I'm not self-loathing, nor am I THAT desperate. Sometimes I think I'd have an easier time in life if I was more hard up on my emotions... but if that were the case I wouldn't be so darn cuddly lol.