Can a poly/mono work?

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

This is a fascinating thread. Some of my favorite people on the Planet are here and the discussion is so grounded and thoughtful.

I don't have any insight to add, but Dee, your parter's wife's definition of jealousy really struck home with me. I had jealousy toward a partner's ex, once, and it still makes me sad to think about it.

It wasn't that I felt she was giving away something that belonged to me, it was that she was giving away something she had never given me.

And the ex was so mean to her, which made it even more painful to watch.

I had never thought of it that way till I read your post.

Scout

Yes yes i went through this too, and back then talked to my Sister about it, when she explained it that way, it was dead on. i've experienced what i feel is jealousy once in my life, and i hope to never feel that pain again. i was more angry with myself for being jealous. i feel i was fighting for something that was never really mine, i know that now.

[fever]

This thread deals with questions about myself and relationships of the past. I am thrilled to see so many thoughts on the subject. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few years. I still don't know how poly femmes do it.

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by fever

This thread deals with questions about myself and relationships of the past. I am thrilled to see so many thoughts on the subject. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few years. I still don't know how poly femmes do it.

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice

It depends on the dynamics. My Syr is not about collecting wives, or having some sort of kinkfest with multiple sexual partners, she is about a family and maintaining a level of peace and joy within. There are some subs who wish for the Dominant to take on more family members so that they can have more playmates or freedoms, and sometimes without even making that wish known, and sometimes that plan backfires on everyone.

[boobookitty]

My primary relationship partner is mono, our relationship has been in place since 1997. Without a marriage license. When I make a promise and a comitment, I mean it.

[yotlyolqualli]

It never worked for me. I am monogamous and have always made that clear.

[girl_dee]

so could you be with someone who is Poly?

[yotlyolqualli]

No. I tried and while on paper it sounded doable, in actuality, it tore me down, apart and asunder.

[Martina]

I think this thread is asking about whether someone who is poly can be with someone who is basically monogamous long term, meaning one of them does not have connections outside the relationship.

I may sound like I am policing this thread. I am not. What I am doing is speaking as a poly person. We can't seem to have a discussion without people coming in and saying, OMG, I could never DO that. I am an ethical person. It's not in my nature to do THAT.

[girl_dee]

i think many people think they can live this lifestyle, then try it and realize wow that is not for them. Like someone said it looks good on paper.

i like when they share that experience.

What i get sick of is hearing how GOOD Syr must has it with two wives. We don't have orgies or kinkfests around here.. what we have is a family and when one is struggling we all struggles. Syr also has two (three if you count the boi) sets of problems to help us solve, relationships to maintain and spread herself amongst us all.

People don't look past the sexual aspect of it. That is a GREAT part of it but there is SO much more to maintaining this lifestyle than people who have not tried it can imagine.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Martina

I think this thread is asking about whether someone who is poly can be with someone who is basically monogamous long term, meaning one of them does not have connections outside the relationship.

I may sound like I am policing this thread. I am not. What I am doing is speaking as a poly person. We can't seem to have a discussion without people coming in and saying, OMG, I could never DO that. I am an ethical person. It's not in my nature to do THAT.

I'm often hesitant on posting in poly threads due to the stigma that comes along with being perceived as a sexual starved cat in heat.

Weatherboi and I had that very discussion before my participation in this thread. It seems when the word poly is attached in any manner it is assumed that it's about sex, it's about selfishness, perversity(not the good kind) carelessness and all around negative. I'm glad this was brought up!

[Mel C.]

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I'm often hesitant on posting in poly threads due to the stigma that comes along with being perceived as a sexual starved cat in heat.

Weatherboi and I had that very discussion before my participation in this thread. It seems when the word poly is attached in any manner it is assumed that it's about sex, it's about selfishness, perversity(not the good kind) carelessness and all around negative. I'm glad this was brought up!

ME TOO. i cannot speak for my Syr (of COURSE!) but i am sure she would agree that the work that comes along with balancing a household cannot possibly be compensated by the sexual perks of it all.

We are all in it for the kinship, not for the Hot Monkey Sex.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by boobookitty

My primary relationship partner is mono, our relationship has been in place since 1997. Without a marriage license. When I make a promise and a comitment, I mean it.

i'm a bit confused about this. Many people are committed to more than one person and it's just as solid and true as a mono relationship. Is your *primary* relationship with someone who is mono your only commitment? What are ya sayin here besides the fact that you are committed to someone who is mono?

[boobookitty]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i'm a bit confused about this. Many people are committed to more than one person and it's just as solid and true as a mono relationship. Is your *primary* relationship with someone who is mono your only commitment? What are ya sayin here besides the fact that you are committed to someone who is mono?

I understood the thread to be asking can a poly- have a relationship with a mono and 'it work' My primary is mono, I am poly, the relaionship is at 15 years and counting.... I have had relationships (with in that 15 years) with others who are also mono... the longest so far has been about a year and a 1/2... we are still friends and talk several times a week.

I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by boobookitty

I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.

This is not polyamory for *me* if ALL parties are NOT aware (this includes current husbands, wives, girlfriends, lovers, boi/boyfriends or partners) then in *my* book it's cheating. That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not.


That's why polyamory can be so wonderful not because it's leaving someone in the dark it's BECAUSE everyone knows what they are in for and there are no down low scenarios.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by boobookitty

I understood the thread to be asking can a poly- have a relationship with a mono and 'it work' My primary is mono, I am poly, the relaionship is at 15 years and counting.... I have had relationships (with in that 15 years) with others who are also mono... the longest so far has been about a year and a 1/2... we are still friends and talk several times a week.

I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.

Question...

So the married woman's partner would know that you, the special friend, are the experiment of their curious, not out partner? if i were the partner i would be crushed to find out my partner and her *special friend* were experimenting behind my back. I'd probably incite a riot. I'd feel like a fool.

Just wondering, it sounds like sneaky stuff to me.., not what "i "consider poly.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by fever

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice

Hi fever, I'm a bit confused about this part of your post. Are you under the impression that Femme Tops can't handle poly situations like butches do? I know *I* can handle poly with ease, in *my* experience it's been the other way around. Butches seem to want to dick pump and get all akwRd and insecure when I'd be out with another. I've not had this much of a problem with the girls/Femmes/Women I've been with..

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by fever

I still don't know how poly femmes do it.

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice

Hmm... I'm not sure where your confusion lies. Do you feel this is a topic based on gender or gender identity? It sort of sounds to me like the old misconception that women can't, and shouldn't enjoy sex. Can you explain why you think, or why anyone would think, that butches, especially Top/Dom butches, would be more inclined to be poly than femmes? Are you implying that femmes are too jealous, catty, insecure, weak, or...? Or am I misunderstanding you completely?

[Martina]

I am fairly picky (plus not everyone's cup of tea). I could easily be in a relationship in which I have no outside sexual or romantic connections while the other does. I have been in that position. But I could have always decided to pursue outside connections. Also, as I get older, I am not as interested in pouring so much of my time into relationships.

I know of marriages in which one partner is poly and kinky and the other person thinks it's strange stuff. The marriages pre-dated the one partner's exploration of kink. I know of two of those that have stood the test of time.

[NitroChrys_Butch]

Originally Posted by fever

This thread deals with questions about myself and relationships of the past. I am thrilled to see so many thoughts on the subject. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few years. I still don't know how poly femmes do it.

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice

You asked whether it is mostly Butches who want the poly relationship and I can only speak for Myself. When things became serious with a particular woman I was dating I had explained to her that I felt at some point in My life I would be in a poly situation/relationship although at the time I had no idea how it would happen or what the dynamics could and would be. I was not thinking of being a collector but of simply being involved with more than one person.
NOW I am. I am married and she comes first. She is always at the core of everything I do. I have a submissive butch as well. I care for hym deeply and probably always will no matter where this journey leads us. They are both monogamous with Me while I am not. Although to say "it is complicated" is the understatement of the year
It CAN work but it takes commitment and the desire to make it happen. Communication... everyone has said it. Honesty ... absolutely.