Can a poly/mono work?

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by fever

This thread deals with questions about myself and relationships of the past. I am thrilled to see so many thoughts on the subject. I have learned a lot about myself over the past few years. I still don't know how poly femmes do it.

Do you think that it is mostly a butch who wants to be poly, especially one who ID's as a Top/Dominant, or are there just as many femmes who can't or don't want to have one partner???

Candice

It depends on the dynamics. My Syr is not about collecting wives, or having some sort of kinkfest with multiple sexual partners, she is about a family and maintaining a level of peace and joy within. There are some subs who wish for the Dominant to take on more family members so that they can have more playmates or freedoms, and sometimes without even making that wish known, and sometimes that plan backfires on everyone.

[boobookitty]

My primary relationship partner is mono, our relationship has been in place since 1997. Without a marriage license. When I make a promise and a comitment, I mean it.

[yotlyolqualli]

It never worked for me. I am monogamous and have always made that clear.

[girl_dee]

so could you be with someone who is Poly?

[yotlyolqualli]

No. I tried and while on paper it sounded doable, in actuality, it tore me down, apart and asunder.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by yotlyolqualli

No. I tried and while on paper it sounded doable, in actuality, it tore me down, apart and asunder.

yes that is such a good point, it all sounds great until you try to live it. No one can explain what it would be like, you have to live it.

[Martina]

I think this thread is asking about whether someone who is poly can be with someone who is basically monogamous long term, meaning one of them does not have connections outside the relationship.

I may sound like I am policing this thread. I am not. What I am doing is speaking as a poly person. We can't seem to have a discussion without people coming in and saying, OMG, I could never DO that. I am an ethical person. It's not in my nature to do THAT.

[girl_dee]

i think many people think they can live this lifestyle, then try it and realize wow that is not for them. Like someone said it looks good on paper.

i like when they share that experience.

What i get sick of is hearing how GOOD Syr must has it with two wives. We don't have orgies or kinkfests around here.. what we have is a family and when one is struggling we all struggles. Syr also has two (three if you count the boi) sets of problems to help us solve, relationships to maintain and spread herself amongst us all.

People don't look past the sexual aspect of it. That is a GREAT part of it but there is SO much more to maintaining this lifestyle than people who have not tried it can imagine.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Martina

I think this thread is asking about whether someone who is poly can be with someone who is basically monogamous long term, meaning one of them does not have connections outside the relationship.

I may sound like I am policing this thread. I am not. What I am doing is speaking as a poly person. We can't seem to have a discussion without people coming in and saying, OMG, I could never DO that. I am an ethical person. It's not in my nature to do THAT.

I'm often hesitant on posting in poly threads due to the stigma that comes along with being perceived as a sexual starved cat in heat.

Weatherboi and I had that very discussion before my participation in this thread. It seems when the word poly is attached in any manner it is assumed that it's about sex, it's about selfishness, perversity(not the good kind) carelessness and all around negative. I'm glad this was brought up!

[Mel C.]

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Mel (aka BlistexLez)

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

[Mel C.]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

In the hypothetical scenario described above, it doesn't seem to be about whether someone is poly or mono, but whether someone has an expectation that their partner be poly or mono. If i expect a partner to be mono and they are not, it would probably be an issue. If I expect a partner to be poly and they aren't, it would probably be an issue. Either way, for the relationship to succeed, I imagine the "issues" need to be addressed.

Although "I'm going out to meet a lover" is honest, it doesn't seem very nurturing. I'd like to think that if I was monogamous in a relationship with someone poly, that there would be some discussion and ground rules established for what behaviors are acceptable. Likewise, if I was poly and had a mono partner, I'd like to think that I would treat her in a manner that was respectful at all times.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i agree too, but do you think that a person that is "wired" for monogamy could ever be happy with someone who is polygamous no matter how honest the parties are?

What i mean is: HYPOTHETICALLY:

If i (being poly) were to tell my partner (who is mono) that i am going out for the evening to meet with another lover i am being honest, even though she would be left to deal with the aftermath of my stepping out.

Could that ever work?

I'm going to take a wild guess that these things would be discussed wayyyy before they arise. If they are happening and it's a SURPRISE!! then I can see where there is gonna be an issue and feelers are gonna be hurt, maybe that's where it goes wrong that people aren't 100% honest with one another.

[Mel C.]

Originally Posted by Mel C.

I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).

I still believe my original post. I'd like to add that I think it takes a lot of self security in the mono partner (with nurturing from the poly partner) to keep the green eyed monster from becoming a problem.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Mel C.

I still believe my original post. I'd like to add that I think it takes a lot of self security in the mono partner (with nurturing from the poly partner) to keep the green eyed monster from becoming a problem.

Oh yes the green eyed monster has already come out, but not on my end. I agree it takes alot of self security and nurturing.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I'm often hesitant on posting in poly threads due to the stigma that comes along with being perceived as a sexual starved cat in heat.

Weatherboi and I had that very discussion before my participation in this thread. It seems when the word poly is attached in any manner it is assumed that it's about sex, it's about selfishness, perversity(not the good kind) carelessness and all around negative. I'm glad this was brought up!

ME TOO. i cannot speak for my Syr (of COURSE!) but i am sure she would agree that the work that comes along with balancing a household cannot possibly be compensated by the sexual perks of it all.

We are all in it for the kinship, not for the Hot Monkey Sex.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by boobookitty

My primary relationship partner is mono, our relationship has been in place since 1997. Without a marriage license. When I make a promise and a comitment, I mean it.

i'm a bit confused about this. Many people are committed to more than one person and it's just as solid and true as a mono relationship. Is your *primary* relationship with someone who is mono your only commitment? What are ya sayin here besides the fact that you are committed to someone who is mono?

[boobookitty]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

i'm a bit confused about this. Many people are committed to more than one person and it's just as solid and true as a mono relationship. Is your *primary* relationship with someone who is mono your only commitment? What are ya sayin here besides the fact that you are committed to someone who is mono?

I understood the thread to be asking can a poly- have a relationship with a mono and 'it work' My primary is mono, I am poly, the relaionship is at 15 years and counting.... I have had relationships (with in that 15 years) with others who are also mono... the longest so far has been about a year and a 1/2... we are still friends and talk several times a week.

I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by boobookitty

I like to build relationships, I do not like just screwing around. I don't mind being the 'experiment' for someone who is curious, or the 'special friend' of a married woman or is or isn't out... I am a safe date for woman who are not out. but I don't have sex just because its offered. ... but I will if I want to.

This is not polyamory for *me* if ALL parties are NOT aware (this includes current husbands, wives, girlfriends, lovers, boi/boyfriends or partners) then in *my* book it's cheating. That's not polyamory and it can be really irritating and tiring when poly threads and conversations are started that this example is thrown into the mix when clearly it's not.


That's why polyamory can be so wonderful not because it's leaving someone in the dark it's BECAUSE everyone knows what they are in for and there are no down low scenarios.

[Martina]

Yeah, I don't even do the don't ask, don't tell thing. We all have to know and at least respect one another. I haven't fucked someone who was cheating since I was in my twenties.

There's a tv show called polyamory or something. I caught a few minutes of a couple of episodes. I couldn't take more. I recall that someone told a guy that they didn't want another person in the relationship, and he said, I don't think THAT's poly. He clearly thinks poly is having as many sexual partners and additional relationships as at least HE wants.

There was one woman who was not into it much. Her husband said he was partly into poly because his wife wanted sex less than he did. So she is involved in the new relationship too -- with another couple. She looks sad, teary almost, and is trying to say something -- this is as a sexual encounter is beginning. The other woman says what's wrong, honey, do you want ME? She doesn't listen to the answer and initiates sex with the other woman. It was hard to watch. Clicked away at that point.

Sad that that is what is being represented on TV.

If people knew how much work it is, . . . .