Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[MrSunshine]

Relationship fears?

None. If I had fears I wouldn't get into a relationship.

What I have learned over the years is this : not all people are compatibile.
If it smells like shit, guess what...

There is no point in bringing past crap into your current relationship, everyone suffers.
Let go and let live.

[MissItalianDiva]

I don't feel I have any real relationship fears other than the normal doubts when one first is still getting to know one another

BUT

What I do have and need to continue to work on is that I sometimes don't like to share my personal space and self. It's odd. I am selfish with my space and time. It isn't that I don't want to or can't be open to sharing that space it is just a conscious effort to get there. Something that took me a very long time to become aware of. It was a lot easier to just blame it on being busy with my family or business but the fact is that is BS I am an amazing multi tasker and have plenty of time IF I choose to make the time.

[Fatale]

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

I don't feel I have any real relationship fears other than the normal doubts when one first is still getting to know one another

BUT

What I do have and need to continue to work on is that I sometimes don't like to share my personal space and self. It's odd. I am selfish with my space and time. It isn't that I don't want to or can't be open to sharing that space it is just a conscious effort to get there. Something that took me a very long time to become aware of. It was a lot easier to just blame it on being busy with my family or business but the fact is that is BS I am an amazing multi tasker and have plenty of time IF I choose to make the time.

I think that's what a lot of my stuff is about, too. I want my space, I want my life the way I want my life and if you can fit into that, great. If not, well, we'll have an issue. I very much come from a place of believing we should each have our own friends with whom we do things separately some times. It makes the time we spend together sweeter. I think it's healthy to have whole lives that can be brought to the table. I don't want to merge with you. We can amalgamize from time to time, but I still want to retain my own properties. I guess I'm mercurial.

[MissItalianDiva]

Originally Posted by Fatale

I think that's what a lot of my stuff is about, too. I want my space, I want my life the way I want my life and if you can fit into that, great. If not, well, we'll have an issue. I very much come from a place of believing we should each have our own friends with whom we do things separately some times. It makes the time we spend together sweeter. I think it's healthy to have whole lives that can be brought to the table. I don't want to merge with you. We can amalgamize from time to time, but I still want to retain my own properties. I guess I'm mercurial.

Beautifully put! I just don't feel the need to mesh spaces either. I want to maintain my own sense of self and space. I do believe this is possible with a like minded individual but definitely have grown and come to the point where I am absolutely not willing to accept anything but what I know I want and need. That might seem unreasonable to some and perhaps it is but it is one of my non negotiables.

[thedivahrrrself]

<------------ does NOT like sharing closet space.

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

I don't feel I have any real relationship fears other than the normal doubts when one first is still getting to know one another

BUT

What I do have and need to continue to work on is that I sometimes don't like to share my personal space and self. It's odd. I am selfish with my space and time. It isn't that I don't want to or can't be open to sharing that space it is just a conscious effort to get there. Something that took me a very long time to become aware of. It was a lot easier to just blame it on being busy with my family or business but the fact is that is BS I am an amazing multi tasker and have plenty of time IF I choose to make the time.

Originally Posted by Fatale

I think that's what a lot of my stuff is about, too. I want my space, I want my life the way I want my life and if you can fit into that, great. If not, well, we'll have an issue. I very much come from a place of believing we should each have our own friends with whom we do things separately some times. It makes the time we spend together sweeter. I think it's healthy to have whole lives that can be brought to the table. I don't want to merge with you. We can amalgamize from time to time, but I still want to retain my own properties. I guess I'm mercurial.

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

Beautifully put! I just don't feel the need to mesh spaces either. I want to maintain my own sense of self and space. I do believe this is possible with a like minded individual but definitely have grown and come to the point where I am absolutely not willing to accept anything but what I know I want and need. That might seem unreasonable to some and perhaps it is but it is one of my non negotiables.

[starryeyes]

I don't have any fears other than fact that my partner is 20 years older than me. I get afraid that I am going to be alone sooner than I want to be, or go through issues with her aging when I am still relatively young. I am a freak when it comes to thinking about the future and being paranoid anyways, so that doesn't help. We talk about it and deal with it. We are both in it for the long haul, so it is what it is, regardless. I just can't imagine my life without her, so that's what gets me all scared.

[Nomad]

i thought i had too many fears to count but then i realized that the real issue is that i'm afraid i wont be accountable enough to and for myself

[MissItalianDiva]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

<------------ does NOT like sharing closet space.

Ummmm don't even go there lol the mere thought of sharing closet space gives me panic attacks..lol just not going to work

[tazz]

my fears are abandonement; i also have a strong personality (i've toned it down a lot) and a lot of peeps choose not to deal with me instead of communicating.

few tend to have patience to get to know me to fully understand and adore me.

i take a lot, and i also give a lot in return...

who i have attracted has always been an issue, since my self-worth was not always that great... it's gotten a hell of a lot better.

i'm not afraid to up and move, since i consider myself a "mobile" individual. there are a few places i would rather live than in California.

do i have a handle on my issues...? You Betcha...

it's not always easy for me to meet and get into a relationship... i'm very jaded and cautious... but once i feel i can trust, my world and heart opens... and it wont take an ice pick to get there

i used to be a "people pleaser"... not so much anymore... either you like me and accept me or not...

~namaste'

[ForestGirl88]

Fear that no-one could really want a freak like me (I've been gay forever, tried to be stright, and everyone could smell it on me and didnt like me - heavily baptist/bigotted area and social circle/family).

Still working on this one, it is the root of all the others.

Also, that I am really just sick in the head and that is why I'm not streight. That comes from far too much hateful shit growing up.

[Nattih]

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

[nycfem]

My husbutch and I are both introverts and spend just as much time together as apart. Some people don't get it, but it's what works for us. Don't give up hope in finding someone who likes that way of life too <3

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

I have found myself with the same fear. I am a mix of intro and extrovert where I find it hard to find a good medium.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

I'm an extrovert and I need one entire day to myself a week, just quietly in my room or apartment pampering myself. I don't want to hang out. Or talk. I need to sleep on my own. Eat by myself. For 24 full hours. And at least another two half days of 12 hours in there a week. I need my cave. I carry my connection to my partner in me, very deeply so I don't need constant attachment.

I will burn myself out looking after others, smother myself, starve myself of space, to make someone else happy. And I get sick. When I need time and rest I get accused of similar, and I date mostly introverts. I don't think it's extrovert/introvert ... I think it's people understanding that boundaries are not there to keep people away. They are there to create me space, you space and us space. I don't have to be merged with someone all the time. In fact, that makes me depressed. I lose myself. But the people who need that are usually codependent and have very scary places in themselves they hate and don't want to deal with alone. So they mask it by being merged with others. My introvert partners did it by using only me, because they found everyone else over stimulating, but having me stuck to their hip because I was non-invasive body company so they didn't feel lonely (I didn't speak or want anything from them) sort of like a human plush toy... Was very suffocating.

And of course I was nurse, cook, house cleaner, administrator/clerk/secretary for all bills and paperwork, grocery shopper, and because they hated talking on phones and dealing with people, I did all the phone calls, dealt with the banks and service people. On top of my full time job.

When I'd reach burn out and need rest, I was faking it, being melodramatic, having a drama, withdrawing and being distant and selfish...

So, I hear you.

[SaltyButch]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

Ahh how I can relate to this, I am an introvert, most may have differing opinions and that's okay I know who I am. I have the same need for alone time as I do for together time and I'm a better person and partner when you understand my need for this.

In reading your later post as to the "buttons" I'm pretty sure we all have them and the fact that you have grown to realize what yours are only makes it easier for you to disengage from those who take delight in continually pushing them. I have emotional scars which may not be as readily seen as the physical but they are there and to me in some ways harder to reveal.

All I know is that when I find the right person she will accept me for me...all of me and should she have any physical or emotional scars I will love them because they make her the special gift she is.

[Teaandroses3]

Even at my age I tend to be optimistic and romantic. I still have trouble identifying the players until I get hurt. Then I look back and say to myself, duh, should have known!
So then on top of being hurt I feel really stupid.

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by Nattih

My fear is that I will have to completely give up my freedom. This has happened a lot in the past. I am an introvert and I have the need for short solo trips, solo walks, and sometimes just to sit in a coffee shop by myself to think and people watch. I have always been accused of not "really wanting" my significant other or "being afraid of being close" just because I do need time to myself. I have often been in relationships where they just wanted me to completely wrap myself up in their life.

My greatest fear is that it will come down to me having the choice to be alone forever or to be in a relationship and feeling entirely smothered due to my loss of freedom. Both are no-win situations, so I am hoping I can find someone who will understand that my time to myself doesn't impact my strong feelings and desire for my relationship.

This is a big one for me, too. I have had partners that could not wrap their heads around wanting time alone. There was not space in their mind for the concept. They could only see it as a rejection of them.

I am a very tightly wound person, and have had to learn the hard way that self-care is not an indulgence, it is actually necessary for me to be able to function productively in any context.

I started putting hard limits around certain days of the week and certain hours of the day about twelve years ago. If I do not have those periodic discharge/recharge periods between each role performance (director, student, daughter/sister/aunt, partner), I will have regrets for poorly-considered choices, unrecognized opportunities, forgotten talking points, math errors, typos, distractions, talking out of my ass, etc.

My current partner is really easy to be around, though. Sometimes we are on the couch together and I am reading or writing and she is watching HGTV and I actually forget she is in the room. She's totally self-actualized and can enjoy my proximity without demanding any attention at all

But it helps that she works Sundays and I don't, and I work occasional evenings and she doesn't. And that her workday starts four hours before mine does, even when I don't work late.

[giggleluver]

After being alone for 2 years, I am worried how someone is going to be around my animals and how they will respond when I tell them I need my own space.

[rustedrims]

trust issues