Showing scars: what are your relationship fears?

[thedivahrrrself]

<------------ does NOT like sharing closet space.

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

I don't feel I have any real relationship fears other than the normal doubts when one first is still getting to know one another

BUT

What I do have and need to continue to work on is that I sometimes don't like to share my personal space and self. It's odd. I am selfish with my space and time. It isn't that I don't want to or can't be open to sharing that space it is just a conscious effort to get there. Something that took me a very long time to become aware of. It was a lot easier to just blame it on being busy with my family or business but the fact is that is BS I am an amazing multi tasker and have plenty of time IF I choose to make the time.

Originally Posted by Fatale

I think that's what a lot of my stuff is about, too. I want my space, I want my life the way I want my life and if you can fit into that, great. If not, well, we'll have an issue. I very much come from a place of believing we should each have our own friends with whom we do things separately some times. It makes the time we spend together sweeter. I think it's healthy to have whole lives that can be brought to the table. I don't want to merge with you. We can amalgamize from time to time, but I still want to retain my own properties. I guess I'm mercurial.

Originally Posted by MissItalianDiva

Beautifully put! I just don't feel the need to mesh spaces either. I want to maintain my own sense of self and space. I do believe this is possible with a like minded individual but definitely have grown and come to the point where I am absolutely not willing to accept anything but what I know I want and need. That might seem unreasonable to some and perhaps it is but it is one of my non negotiables.

[starryeyes]

I don't have any fears other than fact that my partner is 20 years older than me. I get afraid that I am going to be alone sooner than I want to be, or go through issues with her aging when I am still relatively young. I am a freak when it comes to thinking about the future and being paranoid anyways, so that doesn't help. We talk about it and deal with it. We are both in it for the long haul, so it is what it is, regardless. I just can't imagine my life without her, so that's what gets me all scared.

[Nomad]

i thought i had too many fears to count but then i realized that the real issue is that i'm afraid i wont be accountable enough to and for myself

[MissItalianDiva]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

<------------ does NOT like sharing closet space.

Ummmm don't even go there lol the mere thought of sharing closet space gives me panic attacks..lol just not going to work

[tazz]

my fears are abandonement; i also have a strong personality (i've toned it down a lot) and a lot of peeps choose not to deal with me instead of communicating.

few tend to have patience to get to know me to fully understand and adore me.

i take a lot, and i also give a lot in return...

who i have attracted has always been an issue, since my self-worth was not always that great... it's gotten a hell of a lot better.

i'm not afraid to up and move, since i consider myself a "mobile" individual. there are a few places i would rather live than in California.

do i have a handle on my issues...? You Betcha...

it's not always easy for me to meet and get into a relationship... i'm very jaded and cautious... but once i feel i can trust, my world and heart opens... and it wont take an ice pick to get there

i used to be a "people pleaser"... not so much anymore... either you like me and accept me or not...

~namaste'

[D Phryxus]

A lot of my relationship fears and concerns relate to my own self-esteem. i know this and admit to it.

I am poly and I am married to a man. WE have dated separately and we have dated the same person in both closed and open relationship.
The fears that developed after a few tries at dating the same person is a few of them about 3-6 months into dating have broken things off with me saying that they are only interested in my husband and do not find me sexually attractive.
This was a low-blow. I felt like it was the equivalent of taking my self-esteem and throwing it on the ground in order to stomp on a few times before throwing it into a meat grinder.
(side note: my husband did not continue dating these woman because he felt they were not open and honest enough about what they wanted and resented their treatment of me)

As someone who is naturally nervous about approaching women in general...the previosu relationships caused me to wonder if any woman would ever be interested in me.

I ended up dating again but I still have these insecurities about my own attractiveness, especially when it comes to sexual relationships.

[SirenManda]

My biggest relationship fear is feeling like I have to tone down my natural personality. I can come off stuck up if people can't realize I'm being sarcastic. I don't want to bottle all my comments and hold back how I feel because someone is overly sensitive. Needless to say, I can be hard to deal with.

[WheatToast]

Originally Posted by SirenManda

My biggest relationship fear is feeling like I have to tone down my natural personality. I can come off stuck up if people can't realize I'm being sarcastic. I don't want to bottle all my comments and hold back how I feel because someone is overly sensitive. Needless to say, I can be hard to deal with.

Seems like you'd be easy to deal with because you're so direct. I like that!
Anyway...
I've had a hell of a time trying not to overthink relationship issues.
I've had to overcome a lot of fixed beliefs and behaviors, like people pleasing, codependency, and erring on the side of being more reserved than I actually am.
I also had to learn that disputes happen, and if I don't advocate for my own position, she's not going to, either.
Also, I've had to release the belief that I was forever doomed to attract cheaters, users and liars.
Each time that's happened, I worried more and more that I would never find a woman whose values more closely matched my own.
To find my part in attracting some of these shady ladies, it took dragging myself back to early childhood and seeing how I learned to take on the role of the schlimazel (mom), because the schlamiel (dad) was a cheater and liar, which to me always seemed far more obnoxious, and even villainous.
I finally figured out I didn't have to choose either role, so I was free to give up my martyr's crown of thorns, and the lofty opinion I held of myself as being more moral than most. Ugh.
What fun it was to admit to myself that sometimes all I really want is to hit it and quit it. Turns out it's not scandalous; it's called being single.

I finally decided to turn all the complicated bits over to my higher power because I was exhausted trying to sort things out with women, romance and my bumbling assumptions.

Like a lot of butches, I'm often drawn to beautiful femme 'bad girls,' because they're usually sexy as all get-out and so much fun (until either my self esteem collapses because I think I'm not in her league, or one night she comes home late with rug burn on her back, smelling like some butch's Right Guard and Aqua Velva).

Even now, I'm slightly worried that someone will be offended by something I wrote, and lecture me about how I come off seeming too this or not enough that...but please don't.

[Chad]

I have posted here before. I have been both verbally and physically abused by femmes. I think this is an important topic and we need to develop a safe place for BF folks in an abusive relationship.

Before it was me I was arrogant about it. I thought that "if you are in danger just leave". Now I know how hard it is to leave. There are threats against you and your family.

Femmes can be violent too.

[Asari]

At times I'm afraid that I'll never have a relationship at all. Im not that old but I have never even held hands with someone.... except friends and family.

[JDeere]

Insecurity
Fear of being abused
Fear of being cheated on

[Shystonefem]

It's funny, I never had any insecurities until the last relationship.

I am afraid to open up now. Kind of like "anything you say can and will be used against you". I won't discuss my fears or dreams too freely.

I have a fear of being cheated on. I was a VERY trusting person, now, I am not sure that I would ever be as trusting again.

I am afraid of not being good enough. I don't want to have to try hard to be someone I am not, just to be accepted or considered good enough.

I am now a runner. I was never a runner before but now, I look for "warning signs" and, even though I am not dating anyone, I know for a fact that the first time I saw even a smidgen of my ex in someone, I would run. I look for reasons to not be interested and/or to equate others with my ex....

I am afraid to give my heart completely because I am now afraid that my heart will be crushed without thinking twice.

I didn't realize that I had soany fears until I thought about it. The old me is definitely not around anymore. I no have that spark of fearlessness when it comes to getting in a relationship.