Grieving

[Jet]

Andrew have you read Elizabeth Kubler Ross?
If not, her books on death grieving may helpful in your grieving process.

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As for myself, I welcome death as my sweet repose.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Ol'Jet,

No, I am not a reader. Thanks for the tip though.

I went to a support group called Grief Share, which I would recommend. Grief Share is a national organization. I had to stop going before my sister actually died. I started going 6 months prior to her death. It was too much for me to handle with everything going on...

[little man]

thanks, everyone. i appreciate it. i suppose it'll happen in its own time, like most other things.

[little man]

last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by little man

last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

Little Man,

I had a niece who was stillborn on Christmas Day of last year, I still have not come to terms with it along with her mother, who is my best friend. I have visited her grave maybe once over a year, I do not get closure because I didn't get to formally say goodbye or even hold her, so I am still angry. My godmother passed away in June of 2008 and I was there for the funeral only, I still haven't come to terms with this either. I am not one who deals well with death, I may visit to talk to them and let them know I am sorry but the visiting mainly hashes up old feelings that I know I am not ready to cope with yet.

I saw the picture of your mom and you on the gallery, it broke my heart to know she had passed, the photo shows how much love y'all had for each other.

I do know in due time it does get easier and I pray you can find your answers from within in due time.

[little man]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

Little Man,

I had a niece who was stillborn on Christmas Day of last year, I still have not come to terms with it along with her mother, who is my best friend. I have visited her grave maybe once over a year, I do not get closure because I didn't get to formally say goodbye or even hold her, so I am still angry. My godmother passed away in June of 2008 and I was there for the funeral only, I still haven't come to terms with this either. I am not one who deals well with death, I may visit to talk to them and let them know I am sorry but the visiting mainly hashes up old feelings that I know I am not ready to cope with yet.

I saw the picture of your mom and you on the gallery, it broke my heart to know she had passed, the photo shows how much love y'all had for each other.

I do know in due time it does get easier and I pray you can find your answers from within in due time.

i was with my mom when she passed. all of us kids were. we had opportunity to talk with her beforehand, to say whatever needed to be said. i was able to hug her one last time, kiss her head when she was gone. i did see her at the funeral home when we took up flowers and pictures and her artwork. nothing. she wasn't there. i felt the same when i stopped off at the cemetery, nothing...she wasn't there.

i feel her more acutely when i'm driving, when i come home from work and she's not sitting at the table waiting for me. the house doesn't feel quite right without her here, but i suppose i'll get used to that eventually.

my family has always been a funeral-going, cemetery-visiting bunch. i just don't feel any connection at the cemetery. because of the way i was raised, i feel a little bad about not going up there. i don't see the point in being there, if she's not there and i can't even feel her there. jeez, i'm babbling, i think.

i think i'm just trying to find my own way to grieve this and still maintain some sort of spiritual connection to her. i think it may well come in the form of taking care of her roses and keeping her garden beds up. when i apply myself to the things she loved, i definitely feel connected and a part of her.

just trying to sort through this and be ok with what works for me.

thanks for sharing. much appreciated.

[Jet]

My mom died of unknown causes in 2000. being an only child we were best friends. i have yet to grieve her death.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Originally Posted by little man

i was with my mom when she passed. all of us kids were. we had opportunity to talk with her beforehand, to say whatever needed to be said. i was able to hug her one last time, kiss her head when she was gone. i did see her at the funeral home when we took up flowers and pictures and her artwork. nothing. she wasn't there. i felt the same when i stopped off at the cemetery, nothing...she wasn't there.

i feel her more acutely when i'm driving, when i come home from work and she's not sitting at the table waiting for me. the house doesn't feel quite right without her here, but i suppose i'll get used to that eventually.

my family has always been a funeral-going, cemetery-visiting bunch. i just don't feel any connection at the cemetery. because of the way i was raised, i feel a little bad about not going up there. i don't see the point in being there, if she's not there and i can't even feel her there. jeez, i'm babbling, i think.

i think i'm just trying to find my own way to grieve this and still maintain some sort of spiritual connection to her. i think it may well come in the form of taking care of her roses and keeping her garden beds up. when i apply myself to the things she loved, i definitely feel connected and a part of her.

just trying to sort through this and be ok with what works for me.

thanks for sharing. much appreciated.

Possibly so, find your own way Wil.

And no problem in sharing, just know you are not alone.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Will,

I go the cemetary of relatives 4 to 5 times a year. It depends on how I am feeling. I go for maybe a few minutes at a time. I place flowers or a wreath out at Christmastime. In going I have learned who has visitors and who does not. In turn, I make sure to bring extra flowers or whatever, to decorate other gravestones. I think it is the one place that all souls return too when loved ones are there. When I go, I clean off the gravestones with water because they are some sort of a brass material. The marble ones I use Windex on.

In doing this, it brings me joy. Some ppl are not comfortable in going because they are afraid or did not have a decent relationship with the deceased, or some other reason. Everyone is different. Grief is different for everyone, and how they respond to their loss. I know when my sister, JoAnn, died, last year, I am still grieving. Her 2 boys & husband are still grieving. Her mother is fine. It is like nothing ever happened. It makes no sense to me. But that is me.

I think you need to come to terms with your mom's death with your own time-table. You know what to do, when it is time. I think everyone does.

I wish for you peace.

Love,
Andrew

[Random]

Every time I go back to Missiouri,
I visit my grandmothers grave..

I sit a spell with her and tell her everything that's going on.. If it's a nice day I might lean back and get some sun for her..

For me.. it's the deliberate act of going there and remembering her.. Not that I need to be any place special to remember her.. (I can close my eyes and see her hands, smell that smell of plug tabacco and oil of oly.. I can still feel what if feels like to be rocked in her arms..)

But for me.. It a deliberate act of.. I am going to take this time and it is stricky for grandma.. She used to love to sit outside and talk..

Sounds like you are going to do the same with her roses..

Originally Posted by little man

last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

[Inuus]

My Mother has been gone since I was 14 (1977). I used to visit her grave fairly regularly it was hearbreaking for me..was such a hard time. I have lived far away for quite some years but when I do go back to NH I do visit her grave
I had a bad spell there for awhile with deaths
I lost my father in 2001
One of my closest friend in 2002
My sister with Down Syndrome in 2003
My partner in 2006

I dont visit my Fathers grave, my sisters or my best friends because they are buried so far away. Im sure if I went back there I would go to see them. Im not sure exactly what it "does" for me. I mostly clean up the site make sure everything looks nice and neat.
My partner was cremated and I have her ashes in the house

I guess it depends on each person and if or how it comforts them

Originally Posted by little man

last year, my sister-in-law's oldest girl died of an accidental tylenol overdose at the age of 19. since we buried her, my sis-in-law goes regularly to the cemetery to visit. my brother tells me it seems to make her feel better, more at peace.

i did not attend my mother's visitation, memorial or burial. i have stopped at the cemetery once in the last two weeks.

so, here's my question:

do any of you visit the grave of your lost loved ones on a regular basis? if so, what do you get from that? if not, why not?

[little man]

Originally Posted by Inuus

My Mother has been gone since I was 14 (1977). I used to visit her grave fairly regularly it was hearbreaking for me..was such a hard time. I have lived far away for quite some years but when I do go back to NH I do visit her grave
I had a bad spell there for awhile with deaths
I lost my father in 2001
One of my closest friend in 2002
My sister with Down Syndrome in 2003
My partner in 2006

I dont visit my Fathers grave, my sisters or my best friends because they are buried so far away. Im sure if I went back there I would go to see them. Im not sure exactly what it "does" for me. I mostly clean up the site make sure everything looks nice and neat.
My partner was cremated and I have her ashes in the house

I guess it depends on each person and if or how it comforts them

i think this is the crux of my question. of course, i want the site to be well kept and tidy. i've set aside some cash to add a couple of planters to the grave site so i can plant mom's beloved roses for her. i just don't feel a sense of connection there and am wondering if other folks feel that or if it's something different that draws them there. i do realize there's no right or wrong way to go about this. being individual, we all find solace in differing things and peace wherever we may. i suspect i'm trying to think myself through this trying time and find a way that feels both respectful of my mother and tenable for me.

i'm very sorry to hear about your losses. so many in such a short time. that has to be very difficult. my heart goes out to you.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Will,

Where my Godfather is buried at, is pretty close to his son. His son was a policeman, and was killed in a car accident. Thank God above, he died instantly. He had no idea of what hit him, literally. And yes, he was on-duty at the time. So, his son is buried with other policemen and women and firefighters in this one section of the cemetary.

My Godparents used to go to the cemetary every month for hours at a time to be with their son. In doing so, they noticed another couple, late 50's, with lawn chairs sitting next to a grave that was close to their son's. Eventually they began talking. In talking they realized that their only son was also a policeman, and he too was killed while working. However, these folks cannot let him go and go to the cemetary every single day. And they sit there for hours at a time. They schedule their appointments around the time they are at the cemetary. The father retired early from Black and Decker. The mother was a housewife. They sold their home, and moved into an apartment that was cheaper. Life was just so different for them since their son died. They basically lived their lives thru their son. And of course he was their only child. So that is their connection to life.

When we buried my Godfather, we all noticed the elderly couple sitting in their lawn chairs by their son. Still shaken by the events that took place years earlier. Unable to let go. For some people, that is what grief is like.

I think when you plant the rose bushes and clean up your mother's gravestone, you will know what to do & feel that sense of connection.

My sister was not buried. She was creamated. Part of her ashes were spread at different locations according to her wishes. And the bulk of her remains are placed where only family members know of. Sometimes I think it is better that way. It is a guarantee of privacy. The one thing I know I personally don't like is when someone interrupts me when I am at my beloved Grandparents plots, or my Godfather's. It just throws me off. Plus all the rules and regs. that cemetaries now have due to vandalism.

I wish you peace in your journey with this.

Love,
Andrew

[Tommi]

Love you guys N gals, Grieving with friends...even if typed touches ones heart.

For every day ,I am thankful..and for all of you

Tommi

[Jet]

My mom and I were best friends. In 2001, she was found dead in her apartment. I kept calling her thinking she went to Denver to visit my uncles. Finally, when she never answered, one of my uncles went in her apartment and found slumped over dead on the bathroom floor. The autopsy showed nothing as to the cause of death other than she had been dead a week.

I never cried, never said goodbye and never grieved. I was on auto pilot from severe trauma of my own, and I couldn't feel or manage normal feelings about death. It was as though it never happened. It was like the Bible says something like "I set my face like flint." I took care of her apartment and financial affairs with the help of my family, but almost robotically.

And I will tell you now, that long delayed and overdue grief is about to hit as I near the end of my recovery as a trauma survivor.

So, I'm right there with you....

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thanks for sharing your story here. Grief comes in waves. Some days are flat, some are rocky, and some are like the waves crashing onto the beach. It is a new norm.

Holidays...for us, we have to create new rituals and new routines to do because of my sister's children. Last year the boys came unglued when we pulled out her ornaments. And she was known for making certain cookies for them. Well, we still have no clue what to do with that one. For us, making a new routine has worked well.

But in reality, you never get over the loss of your loved one. I know I will never get over JoAnn. Never. I am glad to have shared her with a few of you online at CaringBridge. Her husband took it down now.

Life is so short.

[Miss_J]

Tomorrow it will be a month since my father passed. I keep thinking I have these emotions under control until all of a sudden it blind sides me, I was re-caulking my bathtub and talking to my boi about how we need to replace several tile on the wall and did hy know how to do that? I said oh its ok honey I will just call my dad... Insert full blow meltdown here while sitting in the bathtub.

I understand that talking really does help and crying is normal and even anger is not unusual, but I don't think I can deal with these complete meltdowns much more.


I too have a brother who commited suicide when I was a teen. It was over half my lifetime ago and it still at times feels so fresh and raw even though I have really processed and worked through those emotions. I miss him and can't help but wonder what kind of man he would be, what kind of relationship would we have and how much fun we would have had picking on the folks.
Everyone here who has shared their personal losses very sincerely have my condolences and I understand.

[Jet]

I'm sorry about your father Miss J. I know what that feels like when loss is so new. You have my condolences as well.

[Laidbackgrly]

I lost my Mother in 94 some woman ran a stop sign hit her head on It was a complete shock I never got to know her as a adult As soon as I graduated high school I left home went off to school Life is so diffrent with out her I cant wait to see her again

[Gentle Tiger]

To all who share your grief and your stories, thank you.