Dating other femmes exes: what do you think?

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by Talon

...
I try not to cause harm to those who are in "romantic mourning"....

This struck me as something significant. In the original post, the scenario was of an acquaintance, and many posts since then have touched on the possibility that an acquaintance might not know enough about Person A to know if she's hurt or over her ex. I think what you said above also brings up the point that everyone's definition of "doing harm" might vary. Many of the posts here stated that flirting is just that... flirting...and therefore, harmless. It isn't dating, it isn't having sex, it's flirting. To others that's a cardinal sin. So, I guess my point is that everything is relative and subjective. Someone not adhering to the "femme code" may not be acting out of malice, but out of a place that flirting is harmless.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

This struck me as something significant. In the original post, the scenario was of an acquaintance, and many posts since then have touched on the possibility that an acquaintance might not know enough about Person A to know if she's hurt or over her ex. I think what you said above also brings up the point that everyone's definition of "doing harm" might vary. Many of the posts here stated that flirting is just that... flirting...and therefore, harmless. It isn't dating, it isn't having sex, it's flirting. To others that's a cardinal sin. So, I guess my point is that everything is relative and subjective. Someone not adhering to the "femme code" may not be acting out of malice, but out of a place that flirting is harmless.

Flirting is harmless! I always get confused why folks (general) confuse flirting, crushings, being nice as "HEY I WANNA MARRY YOU"


Flirting is simply that a short, instantaneous quick exchange of body language, words or looks with or without intent because sometimes flirting is started with the attempt to capture much more than just a moment.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

This struck me as something significant. In the original post, the scenario was of an acquaintance, and many posts since then have touched on the possibility that an acquaintance might not know enough about Person A to know if she's hurt or over her ex. I think what you said above also brings up the point that everyone's definition of "doing harm" might vary. Many of the posts here stated that flirting is just that... flirting...and therefore, harmless. It isn't dating, it isn't having sex, it's flirting. To others that's a cardinal sin. So, I guess my point is that everything is relative and subjective. Someone not adhering to the "femme code" may not be acting out of malice, but out of a place that flirting is harmless.

Bouncing off this....The significant difference would be if you have very VERY close femme friends or butch friends or whatever ID tight, "chosen family" friends, would know what line to not cross. I know *my* special chosen ones would as well as they know i would.

If it is an acquaintance, i believe, all bets are off. They wouldn't know the situation at all and it's not my responsibility to tell them nor is it theirs to steer clear if they don't want to. Femme or not femme. I figure things all come out in the wash eventually anyway. The peeps close to us know what went wrong to begin with, most of the time, and as others have said, would most likely steer clear.

Even with light flirting, there is a fine line that is never crossed with my select few of tighties. It's just respect for their relationships as well as respect for my own. It's not anything some of us would even have to think about...it's just natural.

But, kidding around flirting? Of course we do it sometimes. It's all in fun...again, boundaries, respect. It's not complicated.

That's how i feel about it anyway.

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Flirting is harmless! I always get confused why folks (general) confuse flirting, crushings, being nice as "HEY I WANNA MARRY YOU"


Flirting is simply that a short, instantaneous quick exchange of body language, words or looks with or without intent because sometimes flirting is started with the attempt to capture much more than just a moment.

Snow Im with u on this statement about peopel thinking if u are flirting with them its a near walk down the isle or to hook up some way.This is the reason I dont say much when i'm out at he gay bars or in a group.I knolw what I am saying to people but dam some folks have the ablity to turn it into something else.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

Snow Im with u on this statement about peopel thinking if u are flirting with them its a near walk down the isle or to hook up some way.This is the reason I dont say much when i'm out at he gay bars or in a group.I knolw what I am saying to people but dam some folks have the ablity to turn it into something else.

Yeah once a woman said *i like you dee* and i said * awwww i like you too*...

i later found out i was engaged.

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Yeah once a woman said *i like you dee* and i said * awwww i like you too*...

i later found out i was engaged.

I met theis cute red head one night I bought her two drinks an danced with her once,we had a bare conversation while I was waiting on someone.Two day's later she showed up at my door school books and baggage to walk right in,I told her to get back in her car and go home I already had a roomie,then shut the door.Some people are just to dersprate.

[Talon]

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

This struck me as something significant. In the original post, the scenario was of an acquaintance, and many posts since then have touched on the possibility that an acquaintance might not know enough about Person A to know if she's hurt or over her ex. I think what you said above also brings up the point that everyone's definition of "doing harm" might vary. Many of the posts here stated that flirting is just that... flirting...and therefore, harmless. It isn't dating, it isn't having sex, it's flirting. To others that's a cardinal sin. So, I guess my point is that everything is relative and subjective. Someone not adhering to the "femme code" may not be acting out of malice, but out of a place that flirting is harmless.

>Well of course, we're all unique beings (obviously), so everything is ultimately subjective according to one's individual perspective, as well as their own personal life experiences.

I was asked my opinion, therefore I gave it.

Yeah, I actually *do* know what flirting is.

And sure, sometimes it is indeed harmless...but not always...and I think that most people can understand the difference between the two.

I also was not aware that "others" thought harmless flirting was a "CARDINAL SIN".

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by Talon

>Well of course, we're all unique beings (obviously), so everything is ultimately subjective according to one's individual perspective, as well as their own personal life experiences.

I was asked my opinion, therefore I gave it.

Yeah, I actually *do* know what flirting is.

And sure, sometimes it is indeed harmless...but not always...and I think that most people can understand the difference between the two.

I also was not aware that "others" thought harmless flirting was a "CARDINAL SIN".

Talon, your post sounds as if it's coming from a defensive place. My post was a compliment to your statement, which I felt was positively significant, and important enough to expand upon. The rest of what I said in my post was not directed at you, or about you. I'm sorry you took it that way and felt the need to respond as such.

[Talon]

Originally Posted by QueenofSmirks

Talon, your post sounds as if it's coming from a defensive place. My post was a compliment to your statement, which I felt was positively significant, and important enough to expand upon. The rest of what I said in my post was not directed at you, or about you. I'm sorry you took it that way and felt the need to respond as such.

I didn't think that it was directed towards me personally, and I'm sorry that you felt that I was acting defensive towards you. But, I don't understand how you would even know how I was taking something. After all, this is an on-line forum, and you and I don't even know each other.
So please don't be sorry, because I didn't take your post as..anything like you seem to think I did.
If my east coast bluntness came across a little too harsh in my last post..it was not intended.

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by Talon

I didn't think that it was directed towards me personally, and I'm sorry that you felt that I was acting defensive towards you. But, I don't understand how you would even know how I was taking something. After all, this is an on-line forum, and you and I don't even know each other.
So please don't be sorry, because I didn't take your post as..anything like you seem to think I did.
If my east coast bluntness came across a little too harsh in my last post..it was not intended.

I don't know about anyone else, but I've been involved in online forums with hundreds of people I don't know. I don't need to *know* someone to interpret what their words mean *to me*. I was very careful in writing that it *sounded* as if your post was coming from a defensive place. Obviously, I was wrong. But at no time did I imply to *know* how you were taking something, nor did I state or feel that you were acting defensive toward me. Normally I wouldn't bother to make these small points but I don't like being misunderstood any more than anyone else does.

[gaea]

I have been reading the last few pages wow how one topic can pose so many different questions....So I have one of my own now this is theoretical and or hypothetical so keep that in mind and I will use letters to represent person's...

Persons A & B are in a relationship that lasts less than 1 year and they break up.

Person A begins dating several people up to an including sex etc.

Person B is seen at a party flirting with Person C who does not know person A at all

so here is my question

Does person C owe "femme" code to person A because they happen to be at the same party? if so why?

Does person A at any time owe anything to person B?

Considering Person A is dating/flirting/ having sexual relations with another and or many others.

Who owes what to whom in this scenario and why?

[aishah]

i don't think anyone owes anyone anything automatically. that's why i like to talk shit to death. because to me it's a million times easier than assuming that everyone has the same expectations in a given situation (or assuming you have the same definition of "like" and ending up engaged...i LOLed!). and it holds true for almost every situation. it might mean that i'm really annoying, but it works.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by gaea

I have been reading the last few pages wow how one topic can pose so many different questions....So I have one of my own now this is theoretical and or hypothetical so keep that in mind and I will use letters to represent person's...

Persons A & B are in a relationship that lasts less than 1 year and they break up.

Person A begins dating several people up to an including sex etc.

Person B is seen at a party flirting with Person C who does not know person A at all

so here is my question

Does person C owe "femme" code to person A because they happen to be at the same party? if so why?

Does person A at any time owe anything to person B?

Considering Person A is dating/flirting/ having sexual relations with another and or many others.

Who owes what to whom in this scenario and why?

For me, there's no hard and fast rule about any of it because the core issue isn't how long a relationship lasted, how many people an ex is dating, etc. For me, the core issue is simply this...if I have been in a relationship with someone and professed to care about them and their well-being, and we have broken up and they are in pain or struggling with it, then I'm not gonna jam my new love up in their face.

For me, it's about respecting the people that you once professed to love.

I don't think new partners "owe" anything...because the responsibility for the ended relationship isn't (presumably) on them unless they were an instigator in the breakup.

Again, just for me, it's about tact and respect and compassion.

Time itself isn't the issue. If my best friend breaks up with her partner, then that partner is not a prospective date or partner for me for life....just because it would feel too strange to me, even if my best friend claimed to be okay with it.

Having said that, I have exes that I would happily send off with a letter of recommendation and a batch of cookies to the next person that could presumably make them happier than I did...and just smile if I saw them smooching it up on the dance floor.

I think we're all intelligent enough to know when our ex is still hurting or struggling. As a friend of mine says "it's not rocket surgery." Breakups leave us all (I assume) raw and hurting.

Now.....if significant time goes by and the ex is freaking out if we are simply respectfully moving on.....then they need to get into some counseling, talk to their friends, or do whatever else they need to do to deal with their own feelings.

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by gaea

I have been reading the last few pages wow how one topic can pose so many different questions....So I have one of my own now this is theoretical and or hypothetical so keep that in mind and I will use letters to represent person's...

Persons A & B are in a relationship that lasts less than 1 year and they break up.

Person A begins dating several people up to an including sex etc.

Person B is seen at a party flirting with Person C who does not know person A at all

so here is my question

Does person C owe "femme" code to person A because they happen to be at the same party? if so why?

Does person A at any time owe anything to person B? Owe them anything? I'm not understanding.

Considering Person A is dating/flirting/ having sexual relations with another and or many others.

Who owes what to whom in this scenario and why?

You say person C and person A don't know each other? Is there a secret "code" just because they are femmes? I, personally, would say heck no, of course not. C doesn't know A therefore there is no need to back off and not go forward and likewise C doesn't know A therefore does not owe C an explanation or warning to tell he/she to steer clear for whatever reason. I mean, it ended with A and B. There has to be a reason. It works both ways in my opinion.

Example...
I would say if i was around one of Bully's exes i would not flaunt our relationship. But that is not code. IMO it's just class, politeness and just how i roll and my personal preference. And i would not expect one of her exes to call me up and tell me she eats stray kittens. Neither have the responsibility of getting into each other's life. But, respect at least? I think so, again, just my opinion. But i think respect is what we should show everyone, until it is stepped on. So, again, that's just how i roll.

My vision of all of this is from my *me* space and posting here, i have referred to my VERY close femme friends. My TIGHT, VERY few that i would never cross a line on and date one of their exes.

IMO and from where i am coming from, it's just respect and honor of those VERY CLOSE friendship. Simple.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by gaea

I have been reading the last few pages wow how one topic can pose so many different questions....So I have one of my own now this is theoretical and or hypothetical so keep that in mind and I will use letters to represent person's...

Persons A & B are in a relationship that lasts less than 1 year and they break up.

Person A begins dating several people up to an including sex etc.

Person B is seen at a party flirting with Person C who does not know person A at all

so here is my question

Does person C owe "femme" code to person A because they happen to be at the same party? if so why?

No one owes anyone anything, if exes are running into one another at parties I am going to assume that the people inviting them to parties are pretty comfortable these folks are going to be grown ass adults and keep their motions in check if there is going to be some kind of issue, IF anyone feel uncomfortable watching what their ex is doing with the alphabet then said person best stay home and not drag everyone in their spiral of doom

Does person A at any time owe anything to person B?

If A & B are knowingly going to the same party once again I am going to assume we are dealing with ADULTS, then there is going to be a mutual understanding that they are going to be grown folks acting like grown folks at someone else's event, therefore I would expect for all letters and vowels to behave in a civilized non House wive's of New Jersey manner

Considering Person A is dating/flirting/ having sexual relations with another and or many others.

Who owes what to whom in this scenario and why?

I don't think people are expecting something or that anyone is feeling like they need to owe anyone anything.


In Anya's scenario, her friend was hurt, I am unsure why other that perhaps her mourning period (some people need time after a break up) wasn't over, or perhaps she has unresolved feelings and needs to work them out. Anya's friends ex showed up at social function, Anya's friend has a momentary loss of her emotions and feels crushed because of many factors that we aren't privy to.

It's not that hard to get why and how the conversation evolved to where it's at right now, we start to talk things out and think them throughly and think of all scenenarios possible.


I don't owe any form of loyalty to anyone, but when I am in a relationship with my close friends or chosen family members I do have the expectation that they be honest and considerate like I am with them I have this expectation because that is how I am in my friendships I give back what I receive.

------------------------------------------------------------

I am sure we've all had this happen one time or another.

It could be from your not so close friend hooks up with a person you fucked 6 months ago, your not so close friend decided to share intimate details of her life with said person she is seeing,

You can either tell person you are not so close that you fucked said person she is seeing, or not.


It all depends on the individual I suppose, people have pasts, it's when things get shady or you enter relationships with only peeks at the truth and such that things get sketchy for folks.

I am unsure if anyone is going to have the correct answer gaea, everyone of us has a different set of ethics, values, system, code, ideals, etc etc so the answers are going to be radically different.

[QueenofSmirks]

Originally Posted by gaea

I have been reading the last few pages wow how one topic can pose so many different questions....So I have one of my own now this is theoretical and or hypothetical so keep that in mind and I will use letters to represent person's...

Persons A & B are in a relationship that lasts less than 1 year and they break up.

Person A begins dating several people up to an including sex etc.

Person B is seen at a party flirting with Person C who does not know person A at all

so here is my question

Does person C owe "femme" code to person A because they happen to be at the same party? if so why?

Does person A at any time owe anything to person B?

Considering Person A is dating/flirting/ having sexual relations with another and or many others.

Who owes what to whom in this scenario and why?

Just for the sake of confusion, I'll be person A for my response.

Person C owes me nothing, not even respect as another human being. We don't know each other. Just because we both may happen to identify near or on the same point on the gender spectrum means absolutely zero to me. It doesn't mean anything more or less. I have friends of all genders and gender ID's.

Person B - my supposed ex - also owes me nothing. Nobody is responsible for me, except me. Now, having been through a few breakups in my life, I can say I've *expected* certain things from people I've been involved with, but I don't feel anything is "owed" to me. As someone else mentioned in another post, one of my exes and I agreed to avoid certain hangouts on certain nights. We were young and it was a bitter break up, so it was best for us not to run into each other. Other exes I had no problem seeing them and even hanging out with them and their new partner; others I could literally care less. So, a lot depends on a lot of different factors.

What do I owe my ex? For me it depends on how they treated me and our relationship. Maybe all I owe them is civility, maybe I owe them my undying love and respect - again, it depends on a lot of factors.

[spritzerJ]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

Example...
I would say if i was around one of Bully's exes i would not flaunt our relationship. But that is not code. IMO it's just class, politeness and just how i roll and my personal preference. And i would not expect one of her exes to call me up and tell me she eats stray kittens. Neither have the responsibility of getting into each other's life. But, respect at least? I think so, again, just my opinion. But i think respect is what we should show everyone, until it is stepped on. So, again, that's just how i roll.

I am just wondering what it means to "flaunt our relationship" around exes...

I ask because currently Stoney is good friends with hys ex. And when we are all together I am friendly. It isn't awkward or anything. But I don't stop from being my mushy hand holding, sitting close, pecking self when we socializing. Should I? It has been a few years. I honestly wonder if there is some social boundary I should respect.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I dunno I think it depends.

I know that the first time I met the new gf of whatever ex... they usually refrain from hand holding and smootching in front of me for the first time. Hand holding maybe the second or third and then after that pecks on the cheek.

but that said, I'm in oxfordshire. Not really PDA central.

I didn't hold hands or smootch with my new date in front of my ex... like... ever. In the few months we were seeing each other and all hanging around.

it was a bit wierd that they knew each other... my detached wife and X. When I went out on the first dinner with X she said "I have something to tell you... ah... I know your wife..."

you WHAT?

A Dutch, a Canuck, an Irish and an Australian... welcome to london lezzo life, really...

how???

she was good friends with my wife's ex before me and big huge lezzo convoluted BLAH

So, moral is, even in an international megacity, with people from four countries not from the country they are in? The scene is still tiny.

Even when I met one partner (the one who actually introduced me to my future wife, though I had no idea I would marry the girl two years later), I found out that the partner she was with of 7 years had run off with someone I had dated in the states when they went there to visit. FUNKY SHIT. That was super entertaining, that dynamic...

7 dykes on the whole globe, rest done with mirrors. Seriously, best be ok with people dating your ex cause if 5000 miles and three different continents I'm still bumping into people who know my exes? seriously... suck.it.up.

with respect, of course. But seriously, the inter-lezzo-ex-dating is really honestly going to happen globally... y'all.

[spritzerJ]

Well color me socially blundered. I guess I am just not classy.... Ugh. I didn't stick my tongue down hys throat or hump hys leg... still I did enjoy that we were new in our relationship, hanging out socially and together. I guess it wasn't that bad of a social blunder. We all still get along.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by spritzerJ

I am just wondering what it means to "flaunt our relationship" around exes...

I ask because currently Stoney is good friends with hys ex. And when we are all together I am friendly. It isn't awkward or anything. But I don't stop from being my mushy hand holding, sitting close, pecking self when we socializing. Should I? It has been a few years. I honestly wonder if there is some social boundary I should respect.

I don't think holding hands or sitting close is flaunting...at least not by my standards.

Clearly if you're all getting along, neither you or your partner is doing anything that's pushing hys ex's buttons too badly.