FTM place to vent and talk

[ahk]

Originally Posted by Linus

And I don't want this thread shut down. I mentioned this yesterday to the moderation team how right now I was feeling unwelcomed in my own community. Now, granted that part of that is due to my own busy life and such but at the same time, there are things here that I think are due to a huge lack of us carving out our own sense of community or existence (or however it could be termed).

I think we need this space. Transmen tend to fade into the woodwork. It's easier for us. The transforums I've run into a run by transwomen and are geared more for transwomen. There is space for us there but it's overwhelming leaned towards one side. For me, I have a history with this community and I personally taking a stand that we not fade into the woodwork.

We need to do the work, the sweat, the tears (although crying has stopped for me since beginning T; anyone else?!), the blood and so on. We have an experience that needs to be shared but needs to be done so without "othering".. well.. others. We need to build our history.

I want a community that I can belong to and feel safe with, dammit. And if it's not here, then I'm screwed.

So rather than give up, who else will stand?

I'll take the stand-- I get it. This is my community too-- though I had to leave for a bit because I was figuring out my own self after I had a weird breakup and start of a new relationship and an ending to a friendship that I looked up to greatly. But here I am -- back in a community where I feel I can be myself -- artistic and a sock lover.

[Linus]

Originally Posted by ruffryder

Maybe they just like checking pecs. Like I said I'm pre op, no top surgery here yet. That's where they seem to go with me.


They also checked my knee, I'm like what , I have metal in there I didn't know about? lol

Yeah, I think they are not allowed to question identity (male,female, etc) but still don't understand why they say ma'am, sir.. Usually by then though these people at the scan machine haven't seen my ID.

The ones at the scanner should be different than those that see the image. There is one machine type where the outline is shown but it's non-gender specific so I suspect they just use cultural norms for the sake of politeness and trying to get people through as quickly as possible.

[ruffryder]

I know I've asked lots of questions to be answered already but here's more.. It will keep the thread busy



FTM visibility, invisibility - thoughts , share stories, experiences?

I just took our pup for a walk in our apt community and I'm friendly with our neighbors but don't really associate with them or "hang out" with them but I know most of them and some of their family members and of course, dogs.

Well across the way there is a lady about in her 30s maybe, white. I assume she is straight. She has a little dog called Marley (looks like a miniature of the dog in the movie Marley); so she takes it for a walk now and then and sometimes her family members do so i'm aware of them and who they are. I see her as I'm walking and she says, "Hello" I say, "Hello" back and she says, "Oh, she knows me (referring to our pup). She sees me out when she's with your wife." I just said "oh" and smiled.

So then I wonder does she think I'm male? Does she care? She obviously thinks me and my girl are married.. lol.

I wonder about the clothes I'm wearing (tshirt, long carpenter shorts, sneakers, a baseball cap) and wonder if that has something to do with portraying myself as male .. hmmm. Just wondering ..

[ahk]

Actually, I am tired of being mis-gendered, being referred to as "lady" or "ma'am" -- I don't get it. My voice is significantly deeper than my wife's voice, I dress nothing like a "lady" or a "ma'am", I walk different, I hold myself more masculine, but I'm still "ma'am'd"-- What gives?

( I really feel like I am in the "betweener" stage of transition (it sucks) actually )

[Greyson]

I have been on T for 3.5 years and there are times I still get referred to as ma'am or lady by strangers. Like ank in my head "What part of me looks like a lady? Really?" Then my head goes to Why does your gut clench when someone genders you as a woman? Subtle stuff but there.

I know it is not the same for other Trans guys. This is how it is for me. I claim a third gender sort of thing. I cannot let go of my past. I am a pragmatic sort and I think it is political for me. I do not want to be invisible in terms of my queerness. I do not want straight people or queers to assume I am a cisman. So, why did I transition? It felt right for me and I experienced something in my life that was the final blow. I wanted FULL and Equal rights in the eyes of the law. Enough for now.

[ruffryder]

Originally Posted by ahk

Actually, I am tired of being mis-gendered, being referred to as "lady" or "ma'am" -- I don't get it. My voice is significantly deeper than my wife's voice, I dress nothing like a "lady" or a "ma'am", I walk different, I hold myself more masculine, but I'm still "ma'am'd"-- What gives?

( I really feel like I am in the "betweener" stage of transition (it sucks) actually )

Yeah I don't get that either. I can walk a mile and two different people will address me differently, one as ma'am, one as sir. . and it baffles me to hell. That's why I say I look at what I wear, what I'm doing at the moment, etc.. to try and figure it the hell out. Same as on the telephone. So now, I just try to speak deeper. lmfao! If all else fails, confuse the hell out of them!

Do we all use male restrooms here?

I tend more times than not. I get no second looks like I do if I was to go into a female restroom. Females are more aware of their surroundings in a restroom , want to use the mirror, powder up, hang out and wait for their kids, chat, check their messages, etc.. Men, they just want to do their business and get back to whatever it was they were doing.. yeah? SO I just bust in, same as the next male, do my business, wash my hands and get out. No questioning, no saying I'm in the wrong room, no second looks..

[Julien]

Originally Posted by ahk

Actually, I am tired of being mis-gendered, being referred to as "lady" or "ma'am" -- I don't get it. My voice is significantly deeper than my wife's voice, I dress nothing like a "lady" or a "ma'am", I walk different, I hold myself more masculine, but I'm still "ma'am'd"-- What gives?

( I really feel like I am in the "betweener" stage of transition (it sucks) actually )

I can relate to the betweener stage as you put it. I get ma'am or sir depending on the person be it a man or woman. I think that men tend to sir me more often than women. It is embarrassing for them and awkward for me when they double check Me for sex markers ie breasts and change the sir to a ma'am. I'd be happy if they just left it like it was to begin with. Gender policing as I see it, especially in the South were ma'am and sir are used more often, than when I lived in the North.

[Greyson]

Speaking of the "Sir" word. Have any of you guys noticed how it makes you feel when you are referred to as "Sir?" I feel like I am being shown some respect, finally, by the larger world. Again, why is that? Why is the word "Ma'am" not emboldened in the same way (equal) to the word Sir? More of the little things that ramble through my mind.

Originally Posted by Julien

I can relate to the betweener stage as you put it. I get ma'am or sir depending on the person be it a man or woman. I think that men tend to sir me more often than women. It is embarrassing for them and awkward for me when they double check Me for sex markers ie breasts and change the sir to a ma'am. I'd be happy if they just left it like it was to begin with. Gender policing as I see it, especially in the South were ma'am and sir are used more often, than when I lived in the North.

[ruffryder]

Originally Posted by ruffryder

Do we all use male restrooms here?

I tend more times than not. I get no second looks like I do if I was to go into a female restroom. Females are more aware of their surroundings in a restroom , want to use the mirror, powder up, hang out and wait for their kids, chat, check their messages, etc.. Men, they just want to do their business and get back to whatever it was they were doing.. yeah? SO I just bust in, same as the next male, do my business, wash my hands and get out. No questioning, no saying I'm in the wrong room, no second looks..

I don't want to say all females are like this in the restroom and I'm sure there is probably the occassional male that does the same. Just to be clear, I'm not here to stereotype genders. Sorry folks. I had to reiterate this here. But having used both gender restrooms, I do notice that women tend to be more aware of their surroundings and will definitely notice if someone of the male variety enters and will check them or question them if not give them a second look.

[Liam]

Originally Posted by Greyson

Speaking of the "Sir" word. Have any of you guys noticed how it makes you feel when you are referred to as "Sir?" I feel like I am being shown some respect, finally, by the larger world. Again, why is that? Why is the word "Ma'am" not emboldened in the same way (equal) to the word Sir? More of the little things that ramble through my mind.

When I am referred to as "Sir," I feel like I am being seen more than being shown respect.

[ruffryder]

fellas does it ruffle your feathers when femmes or straight women compare you to hot bio males or is it a confidence boost and something you hope would happen?


I guess I'm just me, take me or leave me, but hell if I was compared to some hot dude I think it would turn me on a bit. Or say, if a female was to say you look like so and so (a bio male). Would you want to know why? hmmm..

more questions and hoping more answer my questions. heh.

[Corkey]

I hear ya' Liam. Being seen for me is more important than the giving of the sir. Being seen in my own community is even harder. I am seen and respected by those who are my chosen family.

[BrutalDaddy]

Weatherboi, you brought up something I had totally put away in my brain files with the issue of transphobia within our own "neighborhood". Sorry I didn't quote you but thoughts in head flying so fast, I didn't wanna lose chance for fingers to put them down before they dashed off. Lol.

In past posts I talk about feeling that shun from within the rainbow (my word for LGBTQ cause I don't always remember the alphabet ) but you brought up something that, for me, is even harder to deal with and that is being looked down on (for lack of better words) by other transmen. Even though it's never really happened to me in real life, it is a very real fear that I have. I don't know any FTMs that I've met face to face and for longest time I figured it's all about the area we live in but sitting here, letting myself self evaluate while reading all this has made me realize just how afraid I am to meet other FTMs. That's a mind boggling moment for me right now.

I think a huge part of it is my own issue though. I get called Ma'am and she so often, especially when hair gets long, that I start to allow it to affect my own view of myself. I start becoming my own worst enemy because then I (my soul and true self) begins to become invisible to me. Now it doesn't matter if others don't see that I'm FTM or just flat out male because I don't even see myself that way, whether consciously or subconsciously.

I think it plays a really big part in my "chest thumping" moments because I feel I have to "show" an abundance of male energy in order for the real me to be seen. It's also the reason I want so damn strongly to begin the transition process. To the point that I get angry and frustrated sometimes. I know it's my issue, not anyone else's because I am allowing myself to fall for what society wants me to feel/think/see. With you bringing up transphobia within our own group, I can see how I sometimes even put it on myself.

NOw don't get me wrong. Never do I doubt what my soul is. I KNOW 100% I am a man. No question about that. I just start questioning whether what others (and myself) see when looking at me. Hence the chest thumping. Also why I think I'm realizing how scared/nervous I actually am of meeting other FTMs in person. For so long I have had to contend with female pronouns, within family, within work (even the job I have now, I have to go by my birth name for DOT purposes). I worry that when others will see me, meet me, they will not see the man that is in me.

Wow. Never really had that nerve struck/thought provoked but thank you weatherboi. Seriously, I did not truly realize how engrained that fear is but it's there so it's something I need to address for myself. Thank you. Done rambling now. Thanks.

Brute.

[Liam]

Originally Posted by ruffryder

fellas does it ruffle your feathers when femmes or straight women compare you to hot bio males or is it a confidence boost and something you hope would happen?


I guess I'm just me, take me or leave me, but hell if I was compared to some hot dude I think it would turn me on a bit. Or say, if a female was to say you look like so and so (a bio male). Would you want to know why? hmmm..

more questions and hoping more answer my questions. heh.

I think that I am told on a daily basis that I am hot, and comparisons are not made. I'm glad she thinks I'm hot, it makes me smile.

[Greyson]

Originally Posted by Liam

I think that I am told on a daily basis that I am hot, and comparisons are not made. I'm glad she thinks I'm hot, it makes me smile.

Yes, I am told often by my girlfriend that she thinks I am a hottie. The thing is, I don't believe it about myself. I struggle with fluxuations in my body weight. Always have since the day I was born. I was the heavier twin. Oops that is another thread.

And this brings to mind another thing I noticed when I was a child in elementary school. Why is it that men can be rather obese and still found desirable, sexual? Take a look around guys. What is in the movies, in real life? Big guys are referred to as "Big Guys, Portly, Strong." Large women get terms like "Fat B__tch, I wouldn't poke that......." You guys know the drill. How many times may we have discounted a woman because of her size? (You can throw in age with that too.)

[Darbonaire]

ALWAYS for over 10 years now.

[weatherboi]

When I met Snow I was on my was on my way to being anorexic from dysphoria. The more weight I lost the more I passed and no amount of weights I lifted or running I did was keeping up with the amount of weight I was losing and the gaunt appearance I was taking on. I wasn't seeing that. I was hyper focused with doing drive by quick glances in the mirror so I could get that validation from my physical appearance finally meeting up with what my brain sees I am. I was limiting my nutrition and doubling up on working out. I was breaking out all over and my asthma was at an all time high. One of the many dyphoric vortexes that I have been able to recognize over the years. Someone had asked earlier in the thread how the femmes/women in our lives have helped support us. Snow helped me out of that vortex. My body weight is now something I try not to make a big deal out of or I will get all caught up and starve myself. Other people battle dysphoria?

I get told I am hot in many different ways and I am glad I don't get compared to bio guys. Part of my dysphoria revolves around my disconnect with how I look in my head and how I look to the world.

Yes I use the mens bathroom and have been for some years. I always use a stall now. I have tried STP's and they all seem to malfunction eventually.

[Guy]

I tend to use the Woman's room and try not to get noticed.

Only because it's usually cleaner.

(just my observation. I am by no means suggesting this is true in all cases)

[BrutalDaddy]

Damn I love this thread. Seriously guys. Y'all have no idea just how much it is enlightening me and giving me courage to face my own demons, hopes, aspirations and desires.

Because of this thread, I am feeling a connection that I haven't felt with another guy(s) in a long time, if ever. It's like I get so wrapped up in my every day struggles that I tend to forget others go through the exact same struggle every day of their own lives. That I am not the only FTM out there who is viewed based on what gender they physically born into, regardless of how much it doesn't match up with what our brain and soul sees. I totally got the above but sometimes I let my own "suffering" become my center focus until I forget that I am not alone.

Often I'd find myself looking at pics of FTMs and wishing I could just "look like that". Weatherboi, your post brought reality screaming back to me and I am so fucking grateful to you for that. Thank you from bottom of my heart for sharing that about yourself. Thank you to all of you who are sharing. It's like chicken soup for the trans soul. Lol. Even when I didn't realize I needed to hear it. For years I struggled with addiction. Anything that'd make me not have to think about what I look like or what society sees. Anger and resentment towards the world were my close friends. Still are sometimes if I'm not careful.

Okay seriously am rambling so will shut up for now but one last thing before I do. Weatherboi, I couldn't rep you again for some reason so I'll just say it here. Your post about dysphoria made me tear up because I can relate with every fiber of my being. Thank you and I look forward to meeting you as well as all the other guys one day.


Loving This Thread,
Brute.

[Greyson]

Originally Posted by BrutalDyke

Damn I love this thread. Seriously guys. Y'all have no idea just how much it is enlightening me and giving me courage to face my own demons, hopes, aspirations and desires.

Because of this thread, I am feeling a connection that I haven't felt with another guy(s) in a long time, if ever. It's like I get so wrapped up in my every day struggles that I tend to forget others go through the exact same struggle every day of their own lives. That I am not the only FTM out there who is viewed based on what gender they physically born into, regardless of how much it doesn't match up with what our brain and soul sees. I totally got the above but sometimes I let my own "suffering" become my center focus until I forget that I am not alone.

Often I'd find myself looking at pics of FTMs and wishing I could just "look like that". Weatherboi, your post brought reality screaming back to me and I am so fucking grateful to you for that. Thank you from bottom of my heart for sharing that about yourself. Thank you to all of you who are sharing. It's like chicken soup for the trans soul. Lol. Even when I didn't realize I needed to hear it. For years I struggled with addiction. Anything that'd make me not have to think about what I look like or what society sees. Anger and resentment towards the world were my close friends. Still are sometimes if I'm not careful.
Okay seriously am rambling so will shut up for now but one last thing before I do. Weatherboi, I couldn't rep you again for some reason so I'll just say it here. Your post about dysphoria made me tear up because I can relate with every fiber of my being. Thank you and I look forward to meeting you as well as all the other guys one day.


Loving This Thread,
Brute.

Brutal, thanks for opening up more. I don't think I have ever seen you post as much like I have in the last few days. It's great getting to know some of you guys in a much more below the surface way.

Addiction, anger management, domestic violence in our community is something I have ponder for a few years. Another very sensitive area.