FTM place to vent and talk

[DMW]

Originally Posted by alexri

But every now and then I have a public experience that makes me have hope, and makes me see what I'm missing.

Kids get it before their minds are polluted by society. They question because they want to understand, but they don't judge.

Now, what I need is courage. The courage to stop thinking of all the "what if's" and go legally change my name. I need the courage this of how to handle this at work, especially knowing I am fully supported by HR. I need the courage to love myself enough to be myself all the time.

Alexri,

The hope will grow and those positive experiences will occur for you more often, than not.
Kids do get it before the adults. They just have not been conformed to the norm. They are not fully molded with the gender bias. And surprisingly, either are the majority of adults when given a chance and explanation. I promise...this, is my experience.

And the Courage...YOU ALREADY HAVE COURAGE AND ARE DOING IT!
CHEERS TO YOU! YOU ALREADY HAVE THAT COURAGE Alex.

I am proud of transmen like you. Thank you. And remember, you already
are yourself inside...you always have been.
I am glad that i happened to be around the puter and saw this.
I should subscribe to the thread.

I have done the HR thing as butch...applied to a job as a butch and
had to go to HR after and explain. I just put my driver's license on the desk
of the head of HR and started talking...After of course I told them i needed
a private personal meeting with them.
Feel free to pm. me.

Take care now,
DMW

[alexri]

Did you ever have that point where you're walking past a window or a mirror, and out of the corner of your eye, you see him? You see your reflection, and it's him?

Or when someone's dog comes up to you, and the dog owner says, "that's weird, my dog only acts that way around men"?

I know who I am. All the pieces of the puzzle fit now. It's the explanation for so much in life... the total lack of interest in all girl-centered toys growing up; faking an interest in boy bands in grammar school because that's what I was supposed to like; never, ever feeling comfortable in lesbian bars, feeling like an outsider; the body dysmorphia; the total lack of comfort during certain sexual activities; dressing in men's clothes for over 20 years... and on, and on, and on.

At this point, I am just afraid. Afraid of the rejection. Afraid of the reaction of family, friends and coworkers. Afraid of going through body-altering changes and finding that it made me no happier than I am now.

Somedays I think I can go along faking it. Other days I cringe. Yes I do talk to a therapist about this, and I do belong to a couple of in-person trans social groups who are totally accepting.

Just rambling tonight.