advice plz - my father's alcoholism

Soft*Silver · 03-31-2010, 01:05 PM

the first time I went to an Al Anon meeting I walked in and leaned up against the doorway and looked in...

up until that point, mind you, I had been sitting out in the car, growling how unfair it was that *I* had to go to a meeting for HER problem. And I didnt want a bunch of people who didnt even understand alcoholism (remember, I am an alcoholic too) try to tell me how to make her behave herself. I also didnt want them to look down on me because I was an alcoholic, too. So I felt a chip on my shoulder forming....

so when I walked in and leaned up against the doorway, this is what I saw:

happy people.

Not miserable, whining, two faced, controlling people...

I saw Happy People...laughing, hugging each other, sharing good news, holding onto someone who was obviously distressed, busy members getting the place ready for the meeting and people making coffee and putting out cookies...

happy people. Not tormented, miserable, fearful, angry people. Happy People...

even the one who was clearly distressed was in the loving arms of people who were smiling and being encouraging...

I forgot what Happy People looked like!!

So, my advice stands. Go. Be amongst the Happy People. Someday you could be one too...

sylvie · 03-31-2010, 06:21 PM

wow, that's actually very encouraging.. helps me to want to do this so much more.

i really love the idea, of being with happy people. as i mentioned in a previous post, i dont have a lot of positive people in my family, they're very pushy, narrow minded and angry people.. i have disassociated myself from most of them, because i feel that life is just too short to deal with so much negativity - i live my life being 'me' , with my 2 loving, fantastic children who make my days full of smiles.. negativity pushes me back steps, i try to stay focused on 'forward'.. anyway, i won't go into all of that because that's a whole other situation LOL, and honestly one i don't stress over anymore.

but happiness, a sense of understanding, and most definitely i need to learn tough love.. i'm such a pushover kind of person, i don't really stand up for myself or stand up to others.. and when it comes to helping others, i really throw myself into that because it makes me feel good, but what i've come to realize in all of this is that it's not always a good thing.. or let me rephrase, the help that he needs which is tough love.

so i think this is the first day of what could be a form of healing, of some sort. recognizing the problem, taking steps i need to take no matter how hard those steps may be.. doing what's right for my papa.. for the first time, i feel as though i'm looking forward to going.. (yes, still very nervous though, lol)

i've still not heard back from anyone, if i dont in the next couple of days, i'll call again!

Soft*Silver · 03-31-2010, 07:10 PM

dont wait a couple days. Call again tomorrow. If you cant go to al anon, find an AA lead meeting, go to it. Walk up to anyone and everyone and ask if there are any people who go to Al Anon in the meeting. Seriously....they will introduce you to them

Some time after that first Al Anon meeting, I had a melt down with my ex who was using (way back 1991) I was too late to go to an AA meeting that night..but I knew what restaurant people went to after the meeting (the meeting after the meeting). I drove my unhappy ass over there...walked in..walked up to someone I had met at the Al Anon meeting and in a terrified, angry, damn near hysterical voice, I said I needed to talk to someone from Al Anon...she pushed out a chair and we sat and talked while we ate her french fried.

By the time I was done, she was my sponsor, I knew of which Al Anon meetings we were going to hit that week, and I had some tools to help myself at home with....

Kimbo · 03-31-2010, 08:12 PM

Sylvie, here's a link to help find meetings.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

My step dad was an alcoholic. He passed away when he was 56 from liver failure. He could never stop. I've gone to quite a few meetings, AA & AL-Anon. They really do help.

sylvie · 04-03-2010, 07:27 PM

thank you Kimbo & softness...
Kimbo, so sorry for your loss.. & thank you for the link!

i managed to speak with someone and have my first meet next week.
i'm nervous, but enthusiastic as well.. we had a nice conversation over the phone, and by the end of the conversation i knew i was doing the right thing because just that little conversation felt like it lifted a load off my shoulders.

my father has been doing well this week.. he's been out walking a few times, and he's being a little more conscious about eating etc... he's also been alcohol free since that time i mentioned.. his 60th birthday is on Monday, so we're all making sure we get him gift certificates to stores he likes, of buy actual gifts rather than $. he's been feeling really well this week though.

:-)
thank you all again, so very much for your advice ♥

FeminineAllure · 04-03-2010, 09:09 PM

To sylvie and others who have loved ones that are alcoholics thank you for bringing up the topic and for the resources.
I also have a father who is an alcoholic and grew up with the dysfunction that comes from it. I am going to check out a meeting for support as well.

sylvie · 04-13-2010, 06:49 PM

thank you so much again, everyone.. ♥
i went to my very first meeting, i really didn't breathe a word, except to introduce myself, but they didnt expect any talking, and it was a very comforting feeling to be there.. at first, i just stood at the back, near the door but found myself moving forward into the room a little more until i eventually took a seat... i shed a lot of tears, things they were saying, i felt for them so much... but, also could really relate, to so much of it..

i'm glad i went, i really am.. i want to again, i cant for the next one, due to my work hours, however, i am asking my manager to book me a couple of hours off so i can make the next one, or to rearrange my shifts a bit.. she'll be completely understanding, she always is..

i really, really appreciate the encouragement..
on a great note, also, my father has been alcohol free, since our trip to the hospital.

☺

sylvie · 07-30-2010, 08:49 AM

so, i guess i never truly understood until this week, that i can't 'save' him.
i think i've always had a glimmer of hope, still, until now.. and always feel responsible for ensuring he's okay, etc. i finally realize that this needs to change, it's taken a lot of downfalls to get to this point, though...

my father was rushed to the hospital by ambulance this week, and was admitted in ICU. he is still binge drinking, he's hiding it from us best he can, and then each time he runs out of money he suffers withdrawals. this time, was really bad, he was having seizures, he has memory loss, he has damaged brain cells, spinal cord, no sense of balance, slurred speech, you name it. this list goes on and on..

they said he was being discharged yesterday, which surprised us tremendously.. he'll have to do more tests over the course of the next couple of weeks, but as an outpatient, they need the bed. he's just not well, he's not himself.. i was really upset and demanded a social worker come up and talk with him, that we as a family intervene and get him into rehab.. that i would not sit by and watch my father kill himself..

they cant force him.. i lost it at the hospital, until i talked to the social worker, i dont think i truly understood my need for help with this.. until now.

i attended one meeting, with al anon before, but sadly never kept up with it.. it was more of a meet and greet, i got to see how it worked and watched some talk, it was comforting, encouraging, extremely emotional, but yet, i never went back..

only now, do i truly understand my absolute need to detach myself from this.. i can be there for my father, but i can't consume myself with saving him, it just won't happen unless HE wants that, and only then can i help.
until then i need to learn how to live with this, without the insane amount of guilt ...

so, i made the phonecall again, i need this.. am waiting for a call back.

Jet · 09-23-2010, 05:30 PM

My adoptive dad's an alcoholic. he hit bottom in the 80s and I took him into detox and the hospital. he was gone for about 30 days and then a rehab center.

He hasn't had a drink since then. good luck, I know what it's like.

I'd suggest reading the books on Adult Children of Alcoholics.

03-31-2010, 01:05 PM	#1
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,894 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	the first time I went to an Al Anon meeting I walked in and leaned up against the doorway and looked in... up until that point, mind you, I had been sitting out in the car, growling how unfair it was that I had to go to a meeting for HER problem. And I didnt want a bunch of people who didnt even understand alcoholism (remember, I am an alcoholic too) try to tell me how to make her behave herself. I also didnt want them to look down on me because I was an alcoholic, too. So I felt a chip on my shoulder forming.... so when I walked in and leaned up against the doorway, this is what I saw: happy people. Not miserable, whining, two faced, controlling people... I saw Happy People...laughing, hugging each other, sharing good news, holding onto someone who was obviously distressed, busy members getting the place ready for the meeting and people making coffee and putting out cookies... happy people. Not tormented, miserable, fearful, angry people. Happy People... even the one who was clearly distressed was in the loving arms of people who were smiling and being encouraging... I forgot what Happy People looked like!! So, my advice stands. Go. Be amongst the Happy People. Someday you could be one too... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

03-31-2010, 06:21 PM	#2
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	wow, that's actually very encouraging.. helps me to want to do this so much more. i really love the idea, of being with happy people. as i mentioned in a previous post, i dont have a lot of positive people in my family, they're very pushy, narrow minded and angry people.. i have disassociated myself from most of them, because i feel that life is just too short to deal with so much negativity - i live my life being 'me' , with my 2 loving, fantastic children who make my days full of smiles.. negativity pushes me back steps, i try to stay focused on 'forward'.. anyway, i won't go into all of that because that's a whole other situation LOL, and honestly one i don't stress over anymore. but happiness, a sense of understanding, and most definitely i need to learn tough love.. i'm such a pushover kind of person, i don't really stand up for myself or stand up to others.. and when it comes to helping others, i really throw myself into that because it makes me feel good, but what i've come to realize in all of this is that it's not always a good thing.. or let me rephrase, the help that he needs which is tough love. so i think this is the first day of what could be a form of healing, of some sort. recognizing the problem, taking steps i need to take no matter how hard those steps may be.. doing what's right for my papa.. for the first time, i feel as though i'm looking forward to going.. (yes, still very nervous though, lol) i've still not heard back from anyone, if i dont in the next couple of days, i'll call again! __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

03-31-2010, 07:10 PM	#3
SoftSilver Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: rose cottage Posts: 5,592 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 8,948 Thanked 15,894 Times in 4,062 Posts Rep Power*: 21474857	dont wait a couple days. Call again tomorrow. If you cant go to al anon, find an AA lead meeting, go to it. Walk up to anyone and everyone and ask if there are any people who go to Al Anon in the meeting. Seriously....they will introduce you to them Some time after that first Al Anon meeting, I had a melt down with my ex who was using (way back 1991) I was too late to go to an AA meeting that night..but I knew what restaurant people went to after the meeting (the meeting after the meeting). I drove my unhappy ass over there...walked in..walked up to someone I had met at the Al Anon meeting and in a terrified, angry, damn near hysterical voice, I said I needed to talk to someone from Al Anon...she pushed out a chair and we sat and talked while we ate her french fried. By the time I was done, she was my sponsor, I knew of which Al Anon meetings we were going to hit that week, and I had some tools to help myself at home with.... __________________ Pole bachit, a lis chuye. The field sees, the forest hears

04-03-2010, 07:27 PM	#5
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	thank you Kimbo & softness... Kimbo, so sorry for your loss.. & thank you for the link! i managed to speak with someone and have my first meet next week. i'm nervous, but enthusiastic as well.. we had a nice conversation over the phone, and by the end of the conversation i knew i was doing the right thing because just that little conversation felt like it lifted a load off my shoulders. my father has been doing well this week.. he's been out walking a few times, and he's being a little more conscious about eating etc... he's also been alcohol free since that time i mentioned.. his 60th birthday is on Monday, so we're all making sure we get him gift certificates to stores he likes, of buy actual gifts rather than $. he's been feeling really well this week though. :-) thank you all again, so very much for your advice ♥ __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

04-03-2010, 09:09 PM	#6
FeminineAllure Member How Do You Identify?: Female Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: My rainbow is way overdue Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: PA Posts: 1,145 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,659 Thanked 2,026 Times in 555 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	To sylvie and others who have loved ones that are alcoholics thank you for bringing up the topic and for the resources. I also have a father who is an alcoholic and grew up with the dysfunction that comes from it. I am going to check out a meeting for support as well. __________________ Remember anyone can love you when the sun is shining...In the storm is where you learn who truly cares for you

03-31-2010, 08:12 PM	#4
Kimbo Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Eligible Butchelor Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Seattle Posts: 591 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 432 Thanked 551 Times in 257 Posts Rep Power: 119	Sylvie, here's a link to help find meetings. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html My step dad was an alcoholic. He passed away when he was 56 from liver failure. He could never stop. I've gone to quite a few meetings, AA & AL-Anon. They really do help.

04-13-2010, 06:49 PM	#7
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	thank you so much again, everyone.. ♥ i went to my very first meeting, i really didn't breathe a word, except to introduce myself, but they didnt expect any talking, and it was a very comforting feeling to be there.. at first, i just stood at the back, near the door but found myself moving forward into the room a little more until i eventually took a seat... i shed a lot of tears, things they were saying, i felt for them so much... but, also could really relate, to so much of it.. i'm glad i went, i really am.. i want to again, i cant for the next one, due to my work hours, however, i am asking my manager to book me a couple of hours off so i can make the next one, or to rearrange my shifts a bit.. she'll be completely understanding, she always is.. i really, really appreciate the encouragement.. on a great note, also, my father has been alcohol free, since our trip to the hospital. ☺ __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

07-30-2010, 08:49 AM	#8
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	so, i guess i never truly understood until this week, that i can't 'save' him. i think i've always had a glimmer of hope, still, until now.. and always feel responsible for ensuring he's okay, etc. i finally realize that this needs to change, it's taken a lot of downfalls to get to this point, though... my father was rushed to the hospital by ambulance this week, and was admitted in ICU. he is still binge drinking, he's hiding it from us best he can, and then each time he runs out of money he suffers withdrawals. this time, was really bad, he was having seizures, he has memory loss, he has damaged brain cells, spinal cord, no sense of balance, slurred speech, you name it. this list goes on and on.. they said he was being discharged yesterday, which surprised us tremendously.. he'll have to do more tests over the course of the next couple of weeks, but as an outpatient, they need the bed. he's just not well, he's not himself.. i was really upset and demanded a social worker come up and talk with him, that we as a family intervene and get him into rehab.. that i would not sit by and watch my father kill himself.. they cant force him.. i lost it at the hospital, until i talked to the social worker, i dont think i truly understood my need for help with this.. until now. i attended one meeting, with al anon before, but sadly never kept up with it.. it was more of a meet and greet, i got to see how it worked and watched some talk, it was comforting, encouraging, extremely emotional, but yet, i never went back.. only now, do i truly understand my absolute need to detach myself from this.. i can be there for my father, but i can't consume myself with saving him, it just won't happen unless HE wants that, and only then can i help. until then i need to learn how to live with this, without the insane amount of guilt ... so, i made the phonecall again, i need this.. am waiting for a call back. __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

09-23-2010, 05:30 PM	#9
Jet Timed Out - TOS Drama How Do You Identify?: .. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: .. Posts: 3,471 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 292 Thanked 2,647 Times in 1,293 Posts Rep Power: 0	My adoptive dad's an alcoholic. he hit bottom in the 80s and I took him into detox and the hospital. he was gone for about 30 days and then a rehab center. He hasn't had a drink since then. good luck, I know what it's like. I'd suggest reading the books on Adult Children of Alcoholics.