Long Distance Relationships

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by always2late

Sometimes I think that I am more suited to LDRs, that my personality just lends itself better to those relationships. I like to be alone, I like having my own space. Although I am extremely physical, and very physically affectionate, I sometimes find that being with someone, living with them on a daily basis, strains me. I don't know how else to explain it, and don't mean to sound like I am icily aloof, I guess I'm just someone who can be content being alone or being in a distant relationship. Forgive my meandering thoughts, and inability to explain exactly what I mean...it's late, and insomnia tends to make me ramble on a bit.

I think I get what you are trying to say. Oddly, I'm terrible at being alone, but that is one of the reasons I think LD works for me. It forces me to be alone. It forces me to believe in myself and to have faith that a fight or those occasional patches of emotional distance won't be the end of the relationship. I tend to become whatever I think someone needs me to be, but when I'm not surrounded by their presence, I can't do that. I have to just be me and hope that he'll accept that.

The distance also forces me to move slowly and to be more cautious, something I have not done in the past. It allows me to evaluate a potential long-term partner from a distance, which is helpful. When someone is in front of me constantly, it's very easy to be blinded by the things I love about them and to ignore the things that should be big red flags. LD gives me long flights home to evaluate how I feel after each trip and reaffirm that (or question whether) I want to keep moving forward.

Originally Posted by Gemme

Not LDR related, but my dad and stepmom are married but live in different homes. Two doors down from one another. As a kid, I thought that was messed up but now....now I get it. They have their own spaces and they visit with one another during the day. He fixes her broken stuff and she cooks for him. Very traditional. Except for the fact he goes home to his own house at the end of the day. I require a lot of ME time and like sleeping alone too, so it could be genetic.

I know a couple who have lived like this, about a mile apart, for 14 years. It works very well for them. My friend Mel's parents also lived in separate houses for 20+ years until he died. It seems people can make almost any arrangement work if they love each other.

Originally Posted by rustedrims

We have a long distance friendship going on.It is nice and comfortable.The phone calls are great and skyping can get intresting. Texts are random throughout the day. We talk about alot of stuff and i dont have anymore secrets.Some days are kinda hard when one of us needs a real hug or a little peck on the cheek.We both miss the human touch.

The part about not having secrets really sticks with me. I am so used to having carried so many secrets for so long that the burden was becoming unbearable. One of the hidden blessings of this LDR has been realizing that I can't keep holding on to those by myself, though I think at many times, my love may wish that I had! Through letting him in to see my vulnerabilities and flaws, I am learning more about myself and learning to deal with things that had been left unresolved for a long time.

For me, this is a really transformational time in my life, from many angles, and being in an LDR has allowed me the space to evolve both emotionally and intellectually on my own while simultaneously connecting with someone who is not intimidated by that.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I know a couple who have lived like this, about a mile apart, for 14 years. It works very well for them. My friend Mel's parents also lived in separate houses for 20+ years until he died. It seems people can make almost any arrangement work if they love each other.

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

It very much depends on who is involved, I think.

I know many people for whom this is ideal, and I know some people for whom 24 hours is not enough time to be with each other. LOL

The rest of us fall somewhere in between.

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

It very much depends on who is involved, I think.

I know many people for whom this is ideal, and I know some people for whom 24 hours is not enough time to be with each other. LOL

The rest of us fall somewhere in between.

That's where compatibility comes in. Your "togetherness needs" have to align, or one of you will have to make serious compromises and it won't work anyway. A "24 hours is not enough" might be madly in love with an "I Need Space", but that's going to be a major roadblock. Something to discuss way, way before you even get to the living together talking.

[Hack]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

I think alone time is healthy. For as madly and passionately that I am in love with my girlfriend, I can see in the future, when we are sharing a living space full-time, we will need our time to ourselves. I always insist on my partner having "girl time" with her friends because it is very important that your friendships don't wither. Ever. The great thing about my relationship is that we have a lot of interests in common (books, music, museums, art, travel) and just enough things we don't share that we can maintain separate interests and have that alone time without the other being threatened by it.

[lusciouskiwi]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

An ex and I had our own bedrooms but spent most of our time in hers - until she stopped being intimate with me and it was too painful to continue to sleep with her.

Having said that, I've always fancied having a house like this (Wellington, New Zealand - this type tends to be much longer than it is wider) where we could have plenty of separate space as well as lovely mad love shared space.

[MasterfulButch]

Such a spectrum of human emotion.

Spoiler: These guys have since moved in together in Chicago

[JDeere]

Great communication is a very good thing in LDR's. That was about the only thing that kept my relationships afloat.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Great communication is a very good thing in LDR's. That was about the only thing that kept my relationships afloat.

True, but I think it often times is a problem whether 2,000 miles away or 2 feet away..if you don't speak the same language it's hard to make it work, both of you must build a bridge and create your own special language unique to the two of you..

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

True, but I think it often times is a problem whether 2,000 miles away or 2 feet away..if you don't speak the same language it's hard to make it work, both of you must build a bridge and create your own special language unique to the two of you..

I agree as well, it's not a bad thing to have your own language as a couple!