Long Distance Relationships

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

I know a couple who have lived like this, about a mile apart, for 14 years. It works very well for them. My friend Mel's parents also lived in separate houses for 20+ years until he died. It seems people can make almost any arrangement work if they love each other.

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

[thedivahrrrself]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

It very much depends on who is involved, I think.

I know many people for whom this is ideal, and I know some people for whom 24 hours is not enough time to be with each other. LOL

The rest of us fall somewhere in between.

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by thedivahrrrself

It very much depends on who is involved, I think.

I know many people for whom this is ideal, and I know some people for whom 24 hours is not enough time to be with each other. LOL

The rest of us fall somewhere in between.

That's where compatibility comes in. Your "togetherness needs" have to align, or one of you will have to make serious compromises and it won't work anyway. A "24 hours is not enough" might be madly in love with an "I Need Space", but that's going to be a major roadblock. Something to discuss way, way before you even get to the living together talking.

[Hack]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

I think alone time is healthy. For as madly and passionately that I am in love with my girlfriend, I can see in the future, when we are sharing a living space full-time, we will need our time to ourselves. I always insist on my partner having "girl time" with her friends because it is very important that your friendships don't wither. Ever. The great thing about my relationship is that we have a lot of interests in common (books, music, museums, art, travel) and just enough things we don't share that we can maintain separate interests and have that alone time without the other being threatened by it.

[lusciouskiwi]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

An ex and I had our own bedrooms but spent most of our time in hers - until she stopped being intimate with me and it was too painful to continue to sleep with her.

Having said that, I've always fancied having a house like this (Wellington, New Zealand - this type tends to be much longer than it is wider) where we could have plenty of separate space as well as lovely mad love shared space.

[MasterfulButch]

Such a spectrum of human emotion.

Spoiler: These guys have since moved in together in Chicago

[JDeere]

Great communication is a very good thing in LDR's. That was about the only thing that kept my relationships afloat.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by JDeere

Great communication is a very good thing in LDR's. That was about the only thing that kept my relationships afloat.

True, but I think it often times is a problem whether 2,000 miles away or 2 feet away..if you don't speak the same language it's hard to make it work, both of you must build a bridge and create your own special language unique to the two of you..

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl

True, but I think it often times is a problem whether 2,000 miles away or 2 feet away..if you don't speak the same language it's hard to make it work, both of you must build a bridge and create your own special language unique to the two of you..

I agree as well, it's not a bad thing to have your own language as a couple!

[MasterfulButch]

Driving home tonight, I found myself thinking about long distance relationships and likening them to the experience of going to see a movie. When watching a film, your sight and hearing is the only connection you have to the story being told but if the movie’s good enough, those two are enough to have a profound effect on you. That movie can make you laugh, cry, grip the seat in terror or send you away to think about it for days or more. Almost all of us will have experienced this first hand and it just goes to show how much is in the mind. Of course, adding in one or more of the other senses will massively enhance the experience but my point is that they’re not a pre-requisite to having the experience in the first place.

Perhaps I’m just riling against the perception that a LDR is somehow less than; less meaningful or genuine or likely to last. I cannot agree with this myself and so I thought I’d post my perspective as a bit of an antidote for anyone who is considering a LDR and wondering if they’re crazy. The one big qualifier I’d flag here is that the whole thing hinges on the compatibility between you, your communication skills and what you’re each looking for. From here I’m making the assumption that you’re compatible, communicative beings and looking for something beyond the superficial and/or physically-centred.

A LDR forces you to do the one thing that will build the most solid foundation for any relationship: talk. Talking is all you have, for now at least. All this talking gives you the opportunity to really get to know one another. You have to go beyond their taste in music, what they had for breakfast or their plans for the weekend. You may be able to get away with this level of chat in real-time early stage dating but LDRs necessitate a greater intimacy from the start. The whole focus is on really getting to know the other person. Once you start talking, and I mean really talking, you begin to find out about their values, ambitions, belief-systems and ultimately, how they’ve come to be the person who is talking to you today. It’s not a quick process but if you really like the other person it feels like each new discovery is a gift and the time you spend here is not onerous but something you reflect on with true appreciation.

Although you may still be physical strangers, all this talking builds an inevitable intimacy. You know things about one another that even those around you may not be aware of. You’ve been able to build your understanding of the other person through their self-description so you’re uniquely positioned to see through their eyes. You’re both sharing the experience of discovering this blossoming connection and unlike real-time dating, you’re predisposed to talk about it which deepens the bond. To cement all of this, there’s the understanding that either of you could have chosen a simpler path, could have opted to date a local person but instead you’re here, reading your email at three in the morning despite the back-to-back meetings starting in just a few hours. You read it because it’s from her and because nothing makes you happier than seeing her name in your inbox and feeling the subsequent caress of her words.

So this brings me to the crux of it all: You don’t enter into a LDR with just anybody. If you’re looking for fun or companionship or hot sex then you’re bound to be able to find that relatively locally. A LDR is for a connection that goes above and beyond. It’s the person who intrigues you, challenges you, makes you laugh and leaves you pondering. It’s the person who can cut through the external that everyone else around you sees and instead goes straight to the authentic you. She’ll keep you awake at night, as you imagine what it would feel like to have her in your arms, inspiring you with questions borne of true curiosity and challenging you to find inventive ways to communicate your growing feelings whilst touch is not an option. She’s the person who, with just a few words, can make you feel like a lottery winner, or a rock star or an Olympic champion. She’s the person who makes you realise that it doesn’t matter a jot that you aren’t any of the above because she thinks you’re great, just as you are.

Nobody could persuade me that all of this is somehow less than. I know a LDR isn’t for everyone and I totally respect that but if you think it could be right for you then don’t be too quick to discount it. There are so many gifts here; the intimacy, the honesty, the intensity... With each day that passes the foundation is strengthened and although nobody knows what the future holds, these LDR roots could be the basis for a wondrous, long-term connection beyond anything you dared hope for. If this is the case then you should believe, without a doubt, that a life that’s able to bestow that is equally capable of delivering the means for you to convert your LDR into a real-time, shared life.