advice plz - my father's alcoholism

FeminineAllure · 04-03-2010, 09:09 PM

To sylvie and others who have loved ones that are alcoholics thank you for bringing up the topic and for the resources.
I also have a father who is an alcoholic and grew up with the dysfunction that comes from it. I am going to check out a meeting for support as well.

sylvie · 04-13-2010, 06:49 PM

thank you so much again, everyone.. ♥
i went to my very first meeting, i really didn't breathe a word, except to introduce myself, but they didnt expect any talking, and it was a very comforting feeling to be there.. at first, i just stood at the back, near the door but found myself moving forward into the room a little more until i eventually took a seat... i shed a lot of tears, things they were saying, i felt for them so much... but, also could really relate, to so much of it..

i'm glad i went, i really am.. i want to again, i cant for the next one, due to my work hours, however, i am asking my manager to book me a couple of hours off so i can make the next one, or to rearrange my shifts a bit.. she'll be completely understanding, she always is..

i really, really appreciate the encouragement..
on a great note, also, my father has been alcohol free, since our trip to the hospital.

☺

sylvie · 07-30-2010, 08:49 AM

so, i guess i never truly understood until this week, that i can't 'save' him.
i think i've always had a glimmer of hope, still, until now.. and always feel responsible for ensuring he's okay, etc. i finally realize that this needs to change, it's taken a lot of downfalls to get to this point, though...

my father was rushed to the hospital by ambulance this week, and was admitted in ICU. he is still binge drinking, he's hiding it from us best he can, and then each time he runs out of money he suffers withdrawals. this time, was really bad, he was having seizures, he has memory loss, he has damaged brain cells, spinal cord, no sense of balance, slurred speech, you name it. this list goes on and on..

they said he was being discharged yesterday, which surprised us tremendously.. he'll have to do more tests over the course of the next couple of weeks, but as an outpatient, they need the bed. he's just not well, he's not himself.. i was really upset and demanded a social worker come up and talk with him, that we as a family intervene and get him into rehab.. that i would not sit by and watch my father kill himself..

they cant force him.. i lost it at the hospital, until i talked to the social worker, i dont think i truly understood my need for help with this.. until now.

i attended one meeting, with al anon before, but sadly never kept up with it.. it was more of a meet and greet, i got to see how it worked and watched some talk, it was comforting, encouraging, extremely emotional, but yet, i never went back..

only now, do i truly understand my absolute need to detach myself from this.. i can be there for my father, but i can't consume myself with saving him, it just won't happen unless HE wants that, and only then can i help.
until then i need to learn how to live with this, without the insane amount of guilt ...

so, i made the phonecall again, i need this.. am waiting for a call back.

Soon · 07-30-2010, 09:07 AM

Good luck to you, sylvie, and please keep pursuing avenues that will help you cope with your father's addiction.

jenny · 07-30-2010, 09:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sylvie

only now, do i truly understand my absolute need to detach myself from this.. i can be there for my father, but i can't consume myself with saving him, it just won't happen unless HE wants that, and only then can i help.
until then i need to learn how to live with this, without the insane amount of guilt ...

so, i made the phonecall again, i need this.. am waiting for a call back.

Good for you... I'm so glad to read that you're taking the steps necessary to make sure that YOU are okay. You're right that you can't save your dad -- the best you can do is make sure he knows you're ready to help when he's ready to get help.

Sending you a big hug and all sorts of good thoughts...

sylvie · 07-30-2010, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenny

Good for you... I'm so glad to read that you're taking the steps necessary to make sure that YOU are okay. You're right that you can't save your dad -- the best you can do is make sure he knows you're ready to help when he's ready to get help.

Sending you a big hug and all sorts of good thoughts...

thanks so much jenny!
i know ive exhausted everything now to try and help, im definitely ready to find some peace with this, it consumes me way too much, especially now.
and when he wants help, i'm definitely there 100%. i've already called and found out everything we need to know, for him.. so hopefully one day he'll reach out..

and hugs right back, thank you for the good thoughts..

and also a BIG thank you to everyone who's also sent me messages to inbox and reps .. i seriously cant thank you all enough.. your advice and thoughts are much appreciated!! makes me thankful i turned here, in the first place, xox!

Shi · 09-13-2010, 05:04 AM

Hi Sylvie,

Just wondering if you have started going to any meetings yet. My father was an alcoholic too . I started going to meetings a few years before he passed away. It helped me in more ways then you can imagine. I was much like you always running to him whenever he needed me . I learned that I had to stop being an enabler ,I could be there for him but i couldn't save him as much as I wanted too. My father was a great man he was smart, funny,kind and a very loving man and when he was drinking he was always the life of the party. With that being said I also seen a very ugly side to him after the party was over . I think that was the hardest part was seeing someone so loving turn into someone I or my mother didnt even know, A very angry man with so much hurt and anger inside that alcohol could only bring out and believe me it did. Anyways I just stumbled on your post and thought I would lend an ear and to let you know I understand what you are going through. If you feel like talking feel free to send me a message I'll be more then happy to listen.

girl_dee · 09-14-2010, 09:02 AM

When I saw the title to this thread I stayed away from it because I knew it would hit a deep nerve in me.

(( Sylvie )) i hope you get the help YOU need.. My father is much like yours, and I decided to step away from him. It was not easy. When I was young he was drunk, abusive and disgusting. He ruined my childhood. He almost ruined my adulthood. Our family is a mess because we all deal with the remnants of growing up in that house. I can still smell and see him coming at me in the middle of the night... it makes me physically ill. As an adult, every time he got in trouble he called me and I helped him. His heart is bad after all the years of it. I was the only one there, thru his major heart surgeries.. he had burnt every bridge. He never bothered to even find out if I was dead or alive after Katrina..He has not once reached out to me, it's always me feeling lucky to be in his life.. NOT anymore!!! His last stint was falling and getting a head injury while being drunk, I immediately bought a plane ticket to go see him.. then I backed out and didn't go. This was the very first time I didn't go. He did this, and I refuse to keep running to his side. I hear he now has residual effects of that episode, and I rather not see it first hand. Maybe his Karma is taking care of him, and I don't feel one bit sorry for him.

Alcohol abuse has ruined relationships for me, family wise and personally and I just don't have the tolerance for it anymore. I have my own crosses to bear, but what I do does not affect others. Alcohol abuse does. It's a hard thing to witness.

I did what I had to do for ME, I hope you do the same.

04-03-2010, 09:09 PM	#1
FeminineAllure Member How Do You Identify?: Female Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: My rainbow is way overdue Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: PA Posts: 1,145 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,659 Thanked 2,026 Times in 555 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	To sylvie and others who have loved ones that are alcoholics thank you for bringing up the topic and for the resources. I also have a father who is an alcoholic and grew up with the dysfunction that comes from it. I am going to check out a meeting for support as well. __________________ Remember anyone can love you when the sun is shining...In the storm is where you learn who truly cares for you

04-13-2010, 06:49 PM	#2
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	thank you so much again, everyone.. ♥ i went to my very first meeting, i really didn't breathe a word, except to introduce myself, but they didnt expect any talking, and it was a very comforting feeling to be there.. at first, i just stood at the back, near the door but found myself moving forward into the room a little more until i eventually took a seat... i shed a lot of tears, things they were saying, i felt for them so much... but, also could really relate, to so much of it.. i'm glad i went, i really am.. i want to again, i cant for the next one, due to my work hours, however, i am asking my manager to book me a couple of hours off so i can make the next one, or to rearrange my shifts a bit.. she'll be completely understanding, she always is.. i really, really appreciate the encouragement.. on a great note, also, my father has been alcohol free, since our trip to the hospital. ☺ __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

07-30-2010, 08:49 AM	#3
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	so, i guess i never truly understood until this week, that i can't 'save' him. i think i've always had a glimmer of hope, still, until now.. and always feel responsible for ensuring he's okay, etc. i finally realize that this needs to change, it's taken a lot of downfalls to get to this point, though... my father was rushed to the hospital by ambulance this week, and was admitted in ICU. he is still binge drinking, he's hiding it from us best he can, and then each time he runs out of money he suffers withdrawals. this time, was really bad, he was having seizures, he has memory loss, he has damaged brain cells, spinal cord, no sense of balance, slurred speech, you name it. this list goes on and on.. they said he was being discharged yesterday, which surprised us tremendously.. he'll have to do more tests over the course of the next couple of weeks, but as an outpatient, they need the bed. he's just not well, he's not himself.. i was really upset and demanded a social worker come up and talk with him, that we as a family intervene and get him into rehab.. that i would not sit by and watch my father kill himself.. they cant force him.. i lost it at the hospital, until i talked to the social worker, i dont think i truly understood my need for help with this.. until now. i attended one meeting, with al anon before, but sadly never kept up with it.. it was more of a meet and greet, i got to see how it worked and watched some talk, it was comforting, encouraging, extremely emotional, but yet, i never went back.. only now, do i truly understand my absolute need to detach myself from this.. i can be there for my father, but i can't consume myself with saving him, it just won't happen unless HE wants that, and only then can i help. until then i need to learn how to live with this, without the insane amount of guilt ... so, i made the phonecall again, i need this.. am waiting for a call back. __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

09-13-2010, 05:04 AM	#7
Shi Junior Member How Do You Identify?: stone butch Preferred Pronoun?: he Relationship Status: single Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Ontario Posts: 9 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9 Thanked 5 Times in 3 Posts Rep Power: 0	I understand Hi Sylvie, Just wondering if you have started going to any meetings yet. My father was an alcoholic too . I started going to meetings a few years before he passed away. It helped me in more ways then you can imagine. I was much like you always running to him whenever he needed me . I learned that I had to stop being an enabler ,I could be there for him but i couldn't save him as much as I wanted too. My father was a great man he was smart, funny,kind and a very loving man and when he was drinking he was always the life of the party. With that being said I also seen a very ugly side to him after the party was over . I think that was the hardest part was seeing someone so loving turn into someone I or my mother didnt even know, A very angry man with so much hurt and anger inside that alcohol could only bring out and believe me it did. Anyways I just stumbled on your post and thought I would lend an ear and to let you know I understand what you are going through. If you feel like talking feel free to send me a message I'll be more then happy to listen.

07-30-2010, 09:07 AM	#4
Soon Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: attached Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 6,896 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,046 Thanked 13,093 Times in 3,386 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Good luck to you, sylvie, and please keep pursuing avenues that will help you cope with your father's addiction.

09-14-2010, 09:02 AM	#8
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,830 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	When I saw the title to this thread I stayed away from it because I knew it would hit a deep nerve in me. (( Sylvie )) i hope you get the help YOU need.. My father is much like yours, and I decided to step away from him. It was not easy. When I was young he was drunk, abusive and disgusting. He ruined my childhood. He almost ruined my adulthood. Our family is a mess because we all deal with the remnants of growing up in that house. I can still smell and see him coming at me in the middle of the night... it makes me physically ill. As an adult, every time he got in trouble he called me and I helped him. His heart is bad after all the years of it. I was the only one there, thru his major heart surgeries.. he had burnt every bridge. He never bothered to even find out if I was dead or alive after Katrina..He has not once reached out to me, it's always me feeling lucky to be in his life.. NOT anymore!!! His last stint was falling and getting a head injury while being drunk, I immediately bought a plane ticket to go see him.. then I backed out and didn't go. This was the very first time I didn't go. He did this, and I refuse to keep running to his side. I hear he now has residual effects of that episode, and I rather not see it first hand. Maybe his Karma is taking care of him, and I don't feel one bit sorry for him. Alcohol abuse has ruined relationships for me, family wise and personally and I just don't have the tolerance for it anymore. I have my own crosses to bear, but what I do does not affect others. Alcohol abuse does. It's a hard thing to witness. I did what I had to do for ME, I hope you do the same.