Adult Children Moving Home

[julieisafemme]

Wow Martina! I so appreciate your perspective as an educator. There are two sides to this coin. I grew up in the 70s and as you said my parents did not help with homework and were the opposite of helicopter parents! I was doing more things at my daughter's age than I can even imagine her doing. Leaving the house all day on Saturdays with a group of girls and taking the bus all over. Walking for hours without *gasp* a cell phone. My Mom had no idea where I was or what I was doing!

Flip side...I had OCD at age 10 and knew something was very wrong and never said squat to my parents. I was sexually abused and exposed to a flasher (so 70s!) AT SCHOOL when I was in the 4th grade.

My kid has OCD. Finally her Dad has agreed to get her the help she needs. Thank G-d she won't be 42 years old and still flailing about trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with her! My life changed dramatically when I was finally properly diagnosed.

I think we need a blend of the old school parenting and the new school parenting. It is hard to do when all your kid's friends have helicopter parents.

I hope my daughter will not come back to live with me. Not because I don't love her a lot but because I want her to live her own life.

The connection to anxiety and depression and learning is huge. Thank you for bringing that up.

Originally Posted by Martina

I do see a fair number of twenty-somethings not doing well out there and returning home for reasons not primarily related to the economy or to serious mental or physical health issues.

Some of it, IMO, is the result of the different parenting styles that have prevailed for the last few decades. Parents and kids are a lot more involved with one another, and kids do depend on parents for more. Basically too much modeling and assisting, too much oversight, on the parent's part, and not enough trial and error on the child's part.

When I was growing up, unless kids were struggling in school, their parents barely knew what their homework was -- unless there was a major project, particularly one parents had to fork over some cash for.

It hasn't been as safe for kids to be as independent either. Or it has been recognized that it never was that safe for kids to be out and about on their own. At the same time, there are studies that show that unsupervised play is extremely important for development of executive function in children -- exactly what so many twenty-somethings seem to lack.

Also, imaginative social play is much better at developing executive function, especially regulation of emotions and self-discipline, than playing computer games and watching TV.

Then environmental health factors that increase anxiety and depression could play a role. Chronic low level anxiety and depression may not end up getting treated and can really affect brain development. Anxiety can be a factor in executive function deficits, as can PTSD and ADHD. In fact, ADHD and executive function deficits are strongly associated. Whatever affects memory and concentration can result in executive function deficits.

And then there is the whole gut-brain thing. The recent study about thin people having a more diverse population of bacteria in their gut is a piece of scientific evidence supporting what is still an alternative medicine theory. As someone with IBS, anxiety and depression, I am a believer. And this may be in part caused by the western diet -- and not just eating poorly, but eating foods like very high gluten wheat, which all of ours is now.

And just stress. Stress alone can cause kids to not learn to cope. Also lack of exercise can contribute. And we are clearly a more sedentary society with every generation.

All this stuff can make it less likely for children to develop executive function skills -- self-discipline, organization, problem-solving, planning, emotional self-regulation, ability to learn from past mistakes, and flexibility (being less thrown and upset by change, in particular).

And to be still developing these well into adulthood, when the consequences for mistakes are much more serious and when expectations are much higher, is tough, tough on everybody. There needs to be more support out there for people over 18 still struggling.

Again, I am grateful for the Affordable Care Act. At least more young people still struggling can continue to be covered by their parents' insurance (already in place) or can get insurance on their own. That will make life less scary. I wish our health care system were more responsive to developmental issues though.