Changing last names

imperfect_cupcake · 11-06-2013, 04:31 PM

I think if name taking was equal across the board, and not very o e sided, I'd say that its not deferring. but because it is very lop sided... cmon, it may not be you, but a good proportion of people are deferring to a feminine does the giving up and taking of the masculine in ord to "be a family". I see femmes with kids taking the butches name when it would be more logical for the butch to take the femme and the kids name, for example.

I think some assumptions have been internalized. or there wouldn't be such a massive difference.

tantalizingfemme · 11-06-2013, 04:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

I think if name taking was equal across the board, and not very o e sided, I'd say that its not deferring. but because it is very lop sided... cmon, it may not be you, but a good proportion of people are deferring to a feminine does the giving up and taking of the masculine in ord to "be a family".

I guess the first that I think when I read this is so what? What if they choose to do that?

MsTinkerbelly · 11-06-2013, 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

I think if name taking was equal across the board, and not very o e sided, I'd say that its not deferring. but because it is very lop sided... cmon, it may not be you, but a good proportion of people are deferring to a feminine does the giving up and taking of the masculine in ord to "be a family". I see femmes with kids taking the butches name when it would be more logical for the butch to take the femme and the kids name, for example.

I think some assumptions have been internalized. or there wouldn't be such a massive difference.

All of what you say is probably true, and were it not for tradition and the norm of "our" culture to take the "masculine" surname, we would all have our own surnames forever and ever amen.

I work/worked with a mostly hispanic population; mostly fresh from Mexico or first generation citizens, where the women (most not all) did not take their husband's name when they married, instead they kept their family names.
They were just as married as i was, just as committed as we are...it really is a matter of culture and personal taste.

There really is no right or wrong, no good or bad, it is a very personal choice. I am no better or worse than you for taking Kasey's name, but for "us" it has helped when i'm in the hospital, among other things. She would have taken my last name when we married, but it is hard to spell, and mispronounced
constantly. Even though it was my hetro married name, after 22 years it was mine, but neither one of us wanted to keep it.

I have no issue with keeping your own (collective your) name, rock on with
the freedom of making personal choices...it wasn't all that long ago when it wasn't even possible to marry, let alone change your name without an expensive court mess.

imperfect_cupcake · 11-06-2013, 09:26 PM

I'm not saying every case is. but again, I wanna hear from the butches: who of you areore than happy to take a femme's last name instead of the other way round. cause it's pretty rare to read that they'd want that. instead they'd be "honoured" to have the femme take their name. I'm NOT saying that we shouldn't have a choice but I AM saying if it really honestly was, like poeplemkeep saying, just having the same name, it would NOT be so lopsided.

I'm only going from what I see one the boards. my personal life resembles nothing close to "the dance" on the boards here. for example I only know about four butches (I mean those that I actually know in person) who use "he." one uses "they". the rest I know in person use she.

almost none of them believe in marriage. I think I'm one of a rare handfew that has.

so I am presently ONLY speaking to what I see on the boards. and that's butches very rarely take femmes last names. so it can't possibly be just because it's to share a name only. otherwise there would be a greater number taking femme's names.

but f course everyone is exempt from thinking about it. If anybody wants to just consider me a dick and dismiss what I'm saying, that's fine too. I'm going to step out of this convo here as I don't think anything I've said is going to be heard aside from accusing people of misogyny. no worries. I don't mind being fairly alone in my corner of thought. and I mean no disrespect to peoples marriages.

carry on. and all that.

Ginger · 11-06-2013, 09:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

I'm not saying every case is. but again, I wanna hear from the butches: who of you areore than happy to take a femme's last name instead of the other way round. cause it's pretty rare to read that they'd want that. instead they'd be "honoured" to have the femme take their name. I'm NOT saying that we shouldn't have a choice but I AM saying if it really honestly was, like poeplemkeep saying, just having the same name, it would NOT be so lopsided.

I'm only going from what I see one the boards. my personal life resembles nothing close to "the dance" on the boards here. for example I only know about four butches (I mean those that I actually know in person) who use "he." one uses "they". the rest I know in person use she.

almost none of them believe in marriage. I think I'm one of a rare handfew that has.

so I am presently ONLY speaking to what I see on the boards. and that's butches very rarely take femmes last names. so it can't possibly be just because it's to share a name only. otherwise there would be a greater number taking femme's names.

but f course everyone is exempt from thinking about it. If anybody wants to just consider me a dick and dismiss what I'm saying, that's fine too. I'm going to step out of this convo here as I don't think anything I've said is going to be heard aside from accusing people of misogyny. no worries. I don't mind being fairly alone in my corner of thought. and I mean no disrespect to peoples marriages.

carry on. and all that.

I hear you and I think your logic is sound and your question is valid and it's something that I'm wondering about too.

Bard · 11-06-2013, 09:53 PM

We have friends that have been together for quite a while one of them came into the relationship with a child from a former marriage they also have child from AI that the more butch of the two carried. When they got married the butch took the femmes last name her married name so that now the whole family has the same name. Yes if Desd had wanted me to take her name I would have considered it my only reason for not wishing to would have been that I am the only of my fathers children to carry his last name. I was moved to tears when Desd want to take my last name

DapperButch · 11-06-2013, 09:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bard

We have friends that have been together for quite a while one of them came into the relationship with a child from a former marriage they also have child from AI that the more butch of the two carried. When they got married the butch took the femmes last name her married name so that now the whole family has the same name. Yes if Desd had wanted me to take her name I would have considered it my only reason for not wishing to would have been that I am the only of my fathers children to carry his last name. I was moved to tears when Desd want to take my last name

Well then you best have a baby with your name or it will be all for naught!

I have a friend who took his wife's name (cis male), as her family name would have died out if he did not. They had twin boys, so all is good (assuming the twins keep their last name and procreate).

girl_dee · 11-06-2013, 10:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bard

We have friends that have been together for quite a while one of them came into the relationship with a child from a former marriage they also have child from AI that the more butch of the two carried. When they got married the butch took the femmes last name her married name so that now the whole family has the same name. Yes if Desd had wanted me to take her name I would have considered it my only reason for not wishing to would have been that I am the only of my fathers children to carry his last name. I was moved to tears when Desd want to take my last name

and you know what i love? that you would have been just fine if she didn't.

bright_arrow · 11-06-2013, 11:34 PM

I have a big family - while my sister and I are child-less at the moment, I have plentyyyyy of cousins that share my [maiden] last name. I took her last name because I didn't have a stance on it one way or the other, so the fact that it would make her happy if I did do it - why not? I also feel that it would blend/unify our families, and I wanted our future child[ren] to have it as well. While they would be linked biologically to me, they would also be connected to her not because she will be there to raise them, but because the name will be passed on to.

If someone disagrees with my logic, that's perfectly okay, because it is what it is and my family is awesome

11-06-2013, 09:53 PM	#6
Bard Family Man How Do You Identify?: TG Male Preferred Pronoun?: Masculine ones Relationship Status: She just gets me Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ..... Posts: 2,828 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,997 Thanked 12,786 Times in 2,431 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	We have friends that have been together for quite a while one of them came into the relationship with a child from a former marriage they also have child from AI that the more butch of the two carried. When they got married the butch took the femmes last name her married name so that now the whole family has the same name. Yes if Desd had wanted me to take her name I would have considered it my only reason for not wishing to would have been that I am the only of my fathers children to carry his last name. I was moved to tears when Desd want to take my last name __________________ This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill Fifteen percent concentrated power of will Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain And a hundred percent reason to remember the name! Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh - erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can't you just see it? Don't dream it, be it.

11-06-2013, 04:31 PM	#1
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I think if name taking was equal across the board, and not very o e sided, I'd say that its not deferring. but because it is very lop sided... cmon, it may not be you, but a good proportion of people are deferring to a feminine does the giving up and taking of the masculine in ord to "be a family". I see femmes with kids taking the butches name when it would be more logical for the butch to take the femme and the kids name, for example. I think some assumptions have been internalized. or there wouldn't be such a massive difference.

11-06-2013, 09:26 PM	#4
imperfect_cupcake Senior Member How Do You Identify?: feminine dolly dyke Preferred Pronoun?: Your Grace Relationship Status: I put my own care first Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: In a gauze of mystery Posts: 1,776 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,426 Thanked 9,712 Times in 1,611 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	I'm not saying every case is. but again, I wanna hear from the butches: who of you areore than happy to take a femme's last name instead of the other way round. cause it's pretty rare to read that they'd want that. instead they'd be "honoured" to have the femme take their name. I'm NOT saying that we shouldn't have a choice but I AM saying if it really honestly was, like poeplemkeep saying, just having the same name, it would NOT be so lopsided. I'm only going from what I see one the boards. my personal life resembles nothing close to "the dance" on the boards here. for example I only know about four butches (I mean those that I actually know in person) who use "he." one uses "they". the rest I know in person use she. almost none of them believe in marriage. I think I'm one of a rare handfew that has. so I am presently ONLY speaking to what I see on the boards. and that's butches very rarely take femmes last names. so it can't possibly be just because it's to share a name only. otherwise there would be a greater number taking femme's names. but f course everyone is exempt from thinking about it. If anybody wants to just consider me a dick and dismiss what I'm saying, that's fine too. I'm going to step out of this convo here as I don't think anything I've said is going to be heard aside from accusing people of misogyny. no worries. I don't mind being fairly alone in my corner of thought. and I mean no disrespect to peoples marriages. carry on. and all that.

11-06-2013, 11:34 PM	#9
bright_arrow ☆ the stars are aligned ☆ How Do You Identify?: one queer mama Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: married to my Boo Daddy <3 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: nor cal Posts: 2,910 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,644 Thanked 9,363 Times in 2,296 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I have a big family - while my sister and I are child-less at the moment, I have plentyyyyy of cousins that share my [maiden] last name. I took her last name because I didn't have a stance on it one way or the other, so the fact that it would make her happy if I did do it - why not? I also feel that it would blend/unify our families, and I wanted our future child[ren] to have it as well. While they would be linked biologically to me, they would also be connected to her not because she will be there to raise them, but because the name will be passed on to. If someone disagrees with my logic, that's perfectly okay, because it is what it is and my family is awesome