Changing last names

[Martina]

Pretty much every tradition associated with marriage is heteronormative, if not outright patriarchal. So, do what works for you, what feels yummy.

I like my name fine, but it's my father's name, not my mother's. If I want to get cultural feminist about it all, I should change it to some name reflecting the history of women in my family. Not sure what it would be.

Using the word "wife" a lot can get to me actually, referring to a wife of any gender. It suggests appendage, help-mate and all that stuff. And sometimes the way some people use and overuse it gives me the shivers. I have never used it. I like partner. But I see the joy it brings others, of every ilk, and I am all for their using it. My reaction is mine.

But, strangely, the name change doesn't bother me. And I would consider it in either direction. I like family. It's magic to me how they form and seem inevitable, as if they have always been since the beginning of time.

[bright_arrow]

Originally Posted by Martina

Pretty much every tradition associated with marriage is heteronormative, if not outright patriarchal. So, do what works for you, what feels yummy.

I like my name fine, but it's my father's name, not my mother's. If I want to get cultural feminist about it all, I should change it to some name reflecting the history of women in my family. Not sure what it would be.

Using the word "wife" a lot can get to me actually, referring to a wife of any gender. It suggests appendage, help-mate and all that stuff. And sometimes the way some people use and overuse it gives me the shivers. I have never used it. I like partner. But I see the joy it brings others, of every ilk, and I am all for their using it. My reaction is mine.

But, strangely, the name change doesn't bother me. And I would consider it in either direction. I like family. It's magic to me how they form and seem inevitable, as if they have always been since the beginning of time.

Bard often introduces me as "This is my wife Shannon/Have you met my wife Shannon?" but it is not ownership as much as she is just so happy I said yes (or so I think) And, it helps alleviate issues that could arise when we are at places like the doctor's.. With our age difference, it is also a way to clarify I am her spouse. I think sometimes it is also like a shield - so who you are talking to doesn't get the chance to ask our relation to each other. I have used it with creepy people at work when she has stopped by "Oh, that's my wife."

I understand some people do not go the marriage route for similar reasons as well, and I have absolutely no opinion or judgement on what others deem appropriate for themselves, but for us it is more out of love (we were going to have a ceremony before it was deemed legal anyways). Now I see perks - combined auto insurance, joint access to our bank account, being able to include her income with my measley one for home purchases.. alas, that is a whole different

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by Martina

Pretty much every tradition associated with marriage is heteronormative, if not outright patriarchal. So, do what works for you, what feels yummy.

I like my name fine, but it's my father's name, not my mother's. If I want to get cultural feminist about it all, I should change it to some name reflecting the history of women in my family. Not sure what it would be.

Using the word "wife" a lot can get to me actually, referring to a wife of any gender. It suggests appendage, help-mate and all that stuff. And sometimes the way some people use and overuse it gives me the shivers. I have never used it. I like partner. But I see the joy it brings others, of every ilk, and I am all for their using it. My reaction is mine.

But, strangely, the name change doesn't bother me. And I would consider it in either direction. I like family. It's magic to me how they form and seem inevitable, as if they have always been since the beginning of time.

<complete aside>

Wife just means "woman." that's the orgin/meaning for the word. It's dutch. I got called "wife" in holland even before getting married. Other people put ownership on it.

In Medieval times in the UK, marriage was never ownership unless you had standing and money. This was before the church got involved. It was two people saying "I marry you". That's it. The only time it was about "arrangement" or ownership was for the people who owned substantial property, and needed standing. To Divorce? you were basically fucked.

I think we can reclaim it back to what it was before the church - if we are talking white european marriage. Personally, I'm white euro, so that's really
the only one I can actually talk about. My marriage was way less "normal" than most people's "not married" live together in a house with kids and a car. So I did get a bit arsey about people (not you Martina, I meant some well meaning but idiot friends of mine) telling me I was "buying into the unconsidered lifestyle of sexist marraige" when they moved in with their partner, got a bank loan, got another car, had a kid, and were talking about how they were going to do their garden. Fucking mind blowing. I'm living in a genderqueer political house with 11 people, stuffing holes in the walls with socks, the window sash ripping off when I close the window, mold down the walls, yet ANOTHER FUCKING HOUSE MEETING about fucking BEANS, some yoga retreat traveler from germany I don't know the name of sleeping on the couch, I'm making a living from sex work cause the recession is killing us and I can't find a contract job, and my wife is trying to get to amsterdam to help with her dad dying of cancer. We have no cars, no kids, and no pets. So... REALLY?

This is why I'm not trying to pick on individuals. I'm only trying to talk about a trend.

If anyone wants a great docu on the history of marriage in the UK during medieval times, let me know and I'll send you the link to download. BBC program.
</complete aside>

[~ocean]

hmmm I can see why so many ppl have issues with taking someone's last name as yours as a unified couple ~ I took my wife's last name , she was proud to share ~ and yes she bought all kinds of things w. our last name on it ~ the feeling I felt was not being owned but more as an honor ~ may not be right for everyone soooooooo grls do the - < system and stay connected )) ~