Caregivers and Stress

[girl_dee]

The support group i went to the other day was all
About self care for the caregiver.

It was about admitting that its ok to be upset and losing patience. Its to want some time away.

A lady spoke up who has been married for 45 years to her beloved. He had a stroke. He is angry at the world and takes his frustration out on her.
She broke down and said she is ANGRY as hell because this is not the retirement she planned on. She does not know this post stroke husband. She feels robbed. She is at her wits end and i was glad she attended.

Helps me feel not so bad about my own situation.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Happy_Go_Lucky

How incredibly emotionally draining for any of you who find yourself in a caregiving situation with someone you love.

That being said, my situation is being the primary medical POA to my male parent. Did I mention he is a POS?

I believe it may be easier to deal with a parent whom you loathe as opposed to having warm and fuzzy feelings to someone you adore and like?

Any thoughts?

Yes. Why are you doing this? What in us makes is us do such things .

Syr says i am an emotional masochist

[TruTexan]

My mom draws a small check from the VA as a widow because of my stepdad's passing. She also draws SSI and social security. This month mom got a letter from social security saying she would be drawing double her VA benefits due to the VA matching data it received. Guess what happened? It was a MISTAKE that caused her to lose her SSI benefit which in turn stopped her medicaid, which in turn stopped her Medicare premium payments, which in turn stopped her Rx assistance program, which in turn stopped her Food stamps. All because the VA is now using a computer matching program that sends the information the widower receives about her VA amount to the Soc. Security Administration which caused a DOUBLE amount to be shown as being received next month, which stopped all the benefits she was getting by the end of this month, NOV. 30 2013. Between my sister and I, we were able to get social security to get the correction made, but still have to now RE-APPLY for mom's food stamps SNAP benefits. Her check from SSI will be late next month if not the month after, and I'm still not sure if her Medicare savings program for paying her medicare premiums and extra help with her Rx 's will still be in effect for next month due to this mistake. Soc. security says it should be alright, but to reapply for snap food benefits which will take 30 days to get it processed, so mom's food stamps probably won't be here in time on the 1st of DEC. like she needs it to be. This new matching system between the VA and social security has caused problems for many widowers that I saw in the Human Resources Dept. complaining about all their benefits being stopped due to the same problem I am helping my mom deal with NOW.
IF you have a parent you help , watch for this issue, and get on it right away or it's going to be a mess if you don't. JUST FYI. If you need any help with this , let me know, I've dealing with it now.
Justy.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

My mom draws a small check from the VA as a widow because of my stepdad's passing. She also draws SSI and social security. This month mom got a letter from social security saying she would be drawing double her VA benefits due to the VA matching data it received. Guess what happened? It was a MISTAKE that caused her to lose her SSI benefit which in turn stopped her medicaid, which in turn stopped her Medicare premium payments, which in turn stopped her Rx assistance program, which in turn stopped her Food stamps. All because the VA is now using a computer matching program that sends the information the widower receives about her VA amount to the Soc. Security Administration which caused a DOUBLE amount to be shown as being received next month, which stopped all the benefits she was getting by the end of this month, NOV. 30 2013. Between my sister and I, we were able to get social security to get the correction made, but still have to now RE-APPLY for mom's food stamps SNAP benefits. Her check from SSI will be late next month if not the month after, and I'm still not sure if her Medicare savings program for paying her medicare premiums and extra help with her Rx 's will still be in effect for next month due to this mistake. Soc. security says it should be alright, but to reapply for snap food benefits which will take 30 days to get it processed, so mom's food stamps probably won't be here in time on the 1st of DEC. like she needs it to be. This new matching system between the VA and social security has caused problems for many widowers that I saw in the Human Resources Dept. complaining about all their benefits being stopped.
IF you have a parent you help , watch for this issue, and get on it right away or it's going to be a mess if you don't. JUST FYI. If you need any help with this , let me know, I've dealing with it now.
Justy.

Good Gods.... now that must be extremely stressful.
My mother only gets SSI and medicare. She pays for supplement insurance everymonth. It works for her. She has had some serious medical issues and it saved her from going into debt. Its a good insurance and she loves the peace of mind it gives her.

Then my sister decided mom needs to stop *wasting* $200.00 a month for supplement insurance. i disagreed. i have enough to deal with where my mom is concerned and chose NOT to deal with this. i told my sister she can take this issue up with my mom. She did, my mom said she didn't want to leave her insurance because its a good one and she trusts it.

That should have been the end of that.

She mentioned it to me and i told her that i was not interested.

THEN my sister writes to me a long snarkly email about the issues with my mother and once again turned it around that she is a victim of some sort.

Yah that ended well!

[girl_dee]

i've never heard of people on SSI getting food stamps. How does this work?

[TruTexan]

If you are getting SSI and social security, you may qualify to get food stamps....New name is called SNAP, Supplimental Nutritional Assistance Program. Apply at your local office, make sure you give them a copy of your SSI benefit letter(if you don't have one call social security and ask them to mail you a copy of your benefit letter for SSI it's diff. than social security), and any other income you get. IT varies from state to state the amount you can recieve in SNAP food benefits. Also, if you qualify and receive SSI and social security, you can most likely qualify to get your state to pay for your medicare part B and D premiums (or most of them) and possibly even for getting medicaid. This depends on the amount of money you get each month and what your state allows. Please contact you local food stamp office to ask about snap and medicaid applications for paying for your medicare premiums. You can also contact social security to ask them about an application for EXTRA HELP for paying for your medications too. . Fill them out, you never know what you qualify for.

[TruTexan]

Dee, I sent you a couple pm's you might could use for info.
Justy.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

Dee, I sent you a couple pm's you might could use for info.
Justy.

i got them and thank you.



My stress with my mom is not so much on the finance end, although she would be in a home if she did not live with relatives.

My stress is frustration. Frustration with her enjoying being helpless, her being inconsiderate and unappreciative. i am also very much aware that i put myself in this situation again.

[Jar]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i got them and thank you.



My stress with my mom is not so much on the finance end, although she would be in a home if she did not live with relatives.

My stress is frustration. Frustration with her enjoying being helpless, her being inconsiderate and unappreciative. i am also very much aware that i put myself in this situation again.

You're doing the best you can and you have a big heart like me. You're in a tough place and she yanks that guilt cord. If it's any consolation I would've done the same as you have .... Really sorry Dee

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Jar

You're doing the best you can and you have a big heart like me. You're in a tough place and she yanks that guilt cord. If it's any consolation I would've done the same as you have .... Really sorry Dee

Jar, you have no idea how much these words to me. Truly. i feel like no one gets me, and everyone thinks i am just stupid for doing this, again. Thank you.


i feel all i hear is *close your door, lock her out, tell her to go home, set her straight, don't do this don't do that, TELL her ... " especially from those who would never speak to her this way, like my sister.

and although all those things are the logical thing to do, they are not who i am.Maybe that's why i am in this situation. i feel i can do all those things and not in a way that makes things worse.

When i explore WHY i do this *thing* with her, and i do, i know its because of my upbringing, wanting that acceptance, but i am here now, i have to live with myself, and for me i have to figure out a way to make this work so i am not completely insane, and its one day at a time. New challenges everyday with her.

i came home today from work, and closed my door (signal for stay out!) and spent a while just being home and also sending a message that i am not available 24/7. The whole time i knew she was back there waiting for me to open the door. i am trying to train myself not to think about that and just *be*. THat is the part i am struggling with.

After two hours i texted her to tell her that she could come over and watch tv with me if she wanted to. No reply and she was in the door within 15 seconds.

i basically have to kick her out every single night to give myself time before bed. It feels like i am kicking her out, because going to her place is pretty much the worst punishment in the world.

Its hard to live this way, but i have faith that it will get better and we can get through this.

[TruTexan]

Dee, I do hear you and I do get you. I totally do. I get that she's driving you insane or making you feel that way. I get that you are doing this because of your upbringing.....same here with me and my mom. I DO understand that you have to put your foot down about your mom being over all the time, and I totallly get that ....totally. I Live in a seniors and disabled community and the neighbors around me are constantly knocking on my door and needing mo for something. I had to pretty much get ugly about it because trying to tell them in a nice way that they are too needy just wasn't getting anywhere, and all the complaining about themselves. MAJOR stress overload on me and my own shit ya know. Then I have to deal with my own mom and how she treats me at times. OMG talk about major fucking ptsd/anxiety/depression overload,, can you stay stick a fork in me I"M DONE !! Now that I've gotten the point across to most of my elderly neighbors that I"m not available at their beckon call, that part of my stress is reduced a little. BUT, I still have my own crap to handle and then stuff going on with my mom like the shit I am NOW dealing with. Somedays I just wanna move the fuck away and be done with this, but then that part of me that says NO she's your mom stupid, do what you gotta do ,,,, kicks in inside and I stay. I've given up having a relationship with anyone because I take care of mom even though I don't live with her, I still have too much on my plate to even date anyone. .......besides the fact that I live in BFE little town heehaw tx that doesn't have any gays around here. UGH just another thing I deal with. I miss Austin, I miss my few friends there, I miss my cousins and my other part of my family that I connect with, and someday I want to move back to Austin area or atleast near there. I love it there, but alas, I took on my due dilgence to take on my mom and be here for her and any and all issues that come up be it going to doc. appts or fixing something with the car, her house or anything else that goes haywire like paperwork and such. I do what I can on my end, and my younger sister that lives in TN, she takes care of the bitching at social security and paying some of mom's bills for her out of her own pocket cause mom can't afford things like car insurance, etc. If it weren't for my younger sister, my mom would be really in much worse shape than she is. SO, I get EXACTLY where your coming from. I'm just sorry your mom doesn't appreciate anything about you and what you're doing for her.
Atleast mine will apologize to me an then cry and tell me thank you for helping her after she's yelled and screamed at me about her frustrations and whatever is bothering her. I"m sure you're not even getting anything like a thank you at all or even apology for anything she's said or done in the wrong to you and for that ................I can understand your frustrations with your mom and family with what they tell you that you should do. It's not that easy is it ? I KNOW IT"S NOT....period.
Hang in there my friend. Hang in there.


OH and I don't deal with stress on any level anymore. I can't take it or handle it most of the time. My ptsd and anxiety disorder has trumped those coping tools.

[TruTexan]

Dee, here is a link for the Medicare Savings Program cause your inbox is Full.

This covers the QMB , SLMB, QI stuff I sent you a note about. Just read up on it for information there should you need it.

http://www.medicare.gov/your-medicar...-programs.html

[RockOn]

I left Atlanta and moved back home in 1982 to care for my terminally ill mother. I took her to the hospital for her chemo treatments, spent the nights with her in the hospital. The nurses were so good to us. They would wrangle a cot into my mom's room for me to sleep on. I have always raided the refrigerator at least once during the middle of the night. The nurses did not scold me for staggering out of my Mom's room half asleep in pajamas to get a couple of pints of chocolate milk and eat anything I found that looked good.

Dee, I want to make a couple of suggestions since you are involved in a difficult situation. Take great care not to let your battery run low. Also, it is very important that you make time for you and take it.

Best Wishes to You!

[Okiebug61]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Yes. Why are you doing this? What in us makes is us do such things .

Syr says i am an emotional masochist

Some of us believe we can change a past a person an attitude or the future. The truth is we can only control that which is in our control and that is ourselves.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Okiebug61

Some of us believe we can change a past a person an attitude or the future. The truth is we can only control that which is in our control and that is ourselves.

Yes, i feel i've done what i needed to do, now i need some self preservation.

The day will come where she is dependent on me, and i know it, but right now ain't the time.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

Dee, I do hear you and I do get you. I totally do. I get that she's driving you insane or making you feel that way. I get that you are doing this because of your upbringing.....same here with me and my mom. I DO understand that you have to put your foot down about your mom being over all the time, and I totallly get that ....totally. I Live in a seniors and disabled community and the neighbors around me are constantly knocking on my door and needing mo for something. I had to pretty much get ugly about it because trying to tell them in a nice way that they are too needy just wasn't getting anywhere, and all the complaining about themselves. MAJOR stress overload on me and my own shit ya know. Then I have to deal with my own mom and how she treats me at times. OMG talk about major fucking ptsd/anxiety/depression overload,, can you stay stick a fork in me I"M DONE !! Now that I've gotten the point across to most of my elderly neighbors that I"m not available at their beckon call, that part of my stress is reduced a little. BUT, I still have my own crap to handle and then stuff going on with my mom like the shit I am NOW dealing with. Somedays I just wanna move the fuck away and be done with this, but then that part of me that says NO she's your mom stupid, do what you gotta do ,,,, kicks in inside and I stay. I've given up having a relationship with anyone because I take care of mom even though I don't live with her, I still have too much on my plate to even date anyone. .......besides the fact that I live in BFE little town heehaw tx that doesn't have any gays around here. UGH just another thing I deal with. I miss Austin, I miss my few friends there, I miss my cousins and my other part of my family that I connect with, and someday I want to move back to Austin area or atleast near there. I love it there, but alas, I took on my due dilgence to take on my mom and be here for her and any and all issues that come up be it going to doc. appts or fixing something with the car, her house or anything else that goes haywire like paperwork and such. I do what I can on my end, and my younger sister that lives in TN, she takes care of the bitching at social security and paying some of mom's bills for her out of her own pocket cause mom can't afford things like car insurance, etc. If it weren't for my younger sister, my mom would be really in much worse shape than she is. SO, I get EXACTLY where your coming from. I'm just sorry your mom doesn't appreciate anything about you and what you're doing for her.
Atleast mine will apologize to me an then cry and tell me thank you for helping her after she's yelled and screamed at me about her frustrations and whatever is bothering her. I"m sure you're not even getting anything like a thank you at all or even apology for anything she's said or done in the wrong to you and for that ................I can understand your frustrations with your mom and family with what they tell you that you should do. It's not that easy is it ? I KNOW IT"S NOT....period.
Hang in there my friend. Hang in there.


OH and I don't deal with stress on any level anymore. I can't take it or handle it most of the time. My ptsd and anxiety disorder has trumped those coping tools.

Thank you, and thank you for the PMs with lots of information.

For me, i DO enjoy her company, i can talk to my mom about anything. We love doing the same things, flea markets, garage sales and good ole trip to wal mart. i love that someone is around here, what i don't love is her smothering me.

She will apologize this way "go, go have fun, its not your fault you have a life and i don't" Thats her version of an apology.

She sits in pity land watching my neighbors come and go, She misses working. Work was her ONLY social activity. She still goes to visit people where she used to work and envies them. She just point blank hates getting old.

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Thank you, and thank you for the PMs with lots of information.

For me, i DO enjoy her company, i can talk to my mom about anything. We love doing the same things, flea markets, garage sales and good ole trip to wal mart. i love that someone is around here, what i don't love is her smothering me.

She will apologize this way "go, go have fun, its not your fault you have a life and i don't" Thats her version of an apology.

She sits in pity land watching my neighbors come and go, She misses working. Work was her ONLY social activity. She still goes to visit people where she used to work and envies them. She just point blank hates getting old.

Is there some type of community center that is open to the elderly during the day near you so you can get your mom some activity going like being around folks her age and playing dominos and card games , bingo, etc. That tends to help if you can find some stuff for her to do during the day. Here where I live, the elders get together and do those things so they aren't stuck at home bored and such. They can visit and talk, etc. I kinda figured that your mom was as you described above. She's bitter about not being able to work. Heck, it might even help if you got her into therapy if you could so she can talk to someone else besides you about how she's feeling. My mom doesn't think she needs any help so I have no way to get her behavior any better, so It's me that gets the therapy.
I get you when you need to have a life of your own and need not to be smothered by your mom. I think I"d go nuts if my mom smothered me on top of all the other stuff that goes on. I KNOW I'd lose my coping skills in some way. When I Lived with her, it was worse than it is now, so I moved out, couldn't take it anymore. It's better than it was at least for now.

This past year, my sister bought a place that she remodeled, in TN down the road about 10 mins from her house, so she could try to convince mom to move into so she could be closer to her when she needed to be. I"m game for her moving, but mom is adamantly saying NO WAY. She doesn't understand that she can't afford to move into low income housing and her house is falling apart due to termites over the years. I"ve done all I can do with keeping if livable, but the time is coming soon that she will need to move out of it. Thanksgiving my sister will be here a week staying at mom's and I'm sure she's going to talk to her once again about her moving to TN to live in that home she got her and fixed up. It's in excellent shape and is on a beautiful piece of property. Mom could live there and not have to pay rent, just bills and if she can't afford all of them, my sister would help her pay them. I hope that she comes to realize that it's the ONLY option she's got. I can't help her financially.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Thank you, and thank you for the PMs with lots of information.

For me, i DO enjoy her company, i can talk to my mom about anything. We love doing the same things, flea markets, garage sales and good ole trip to wal mart. i love that someone is around here, what i don't love is her smothering me.

She will apologize this way "go, go have fun, its not your fault you have a life and i don't" Thats her version of an apology.

She sits in pity land watching my neighbors come and go, She misses working. Work was her ONLY social activity. She still goes to visit people where she used to work and envies them. She just point blank hates getting old.

Does a bus line run close to your home? Is there somewhere she could volunteer? It sounds like she felt useful at work and if she could be useful again, maybe that would cut down on some of the vinegar that you're on the brunt end of.

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

i've never heard of people on SSI getting food stamps. How does this work?

Dee, that special program for SSI....suplemental security income......recipients has to be done with the social security office by asking them to do a Manual Request for Certification for Medicaid in the computer system so SSI sends that information to the health and human services dept. so that they can get on the special program to recieve the highest benefits for food stamps, get their medicaid, and get on the Medicare savings program. IF you apply for food stamps seperately by online or filling out the application even though they are getting an SSI check, the food stamp amount will be lower. I dont' know why exactly, but This is what has happened to my mom today. I was in contact with the main office in Austin today that told me social security needed to send that manual request for medicaid certification in the computer system so they could restore the correct benefits and correct amounts she SHOULD receive via the SSI special program.
Just an FYI for you. oh, and SS is not the same thing as SSI they are two seperate checks/benefits.
SSI is ususually given to those that don't draw enough SS pay and there is a yearly allowance made to cover the difference by getting SSI benefit with SS.
IF you dont' understand any of what I'm saying, call me, I'll be glad to explain it to you, anytime.

PS..........
If you don't get SSI because you make too much SS then you must apply for food stamps via the regular application process.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

Is there some type of community center that is open to the elderly during the day near you so you can get your mom some activity going like being around folks her age and playing dominos and card games , bingo, etc. That tends to help if you can find some stuff for her to do during the day. Here where I live, the elders get together and do those things so they aren't stuck at home bored and such. They can visit and talk, etc. I kinda figured that your mom was as you described above. She's bitter about not being able to work. Heck, it might even help if you got her into therapy if you could so she can talk to someone else besides you about how she's feeling. My mom doesn't think she needs any help so I have no way to get her behavior any better, so It's me that gets the therapy.
I get you when you need to have a life of your own and need not to be smothered by your mom. I think I"d go nuts if my mom smothered me on top of all the other stuff that goes on. I KNOW I'd lose my coping skills in some way. When I Lived with her, it was worse than it is now, so I moved out, couldn't take it anymore. It's better than it was at least for now.

This past year, my sister bought a place that she remodeled, in TN down the road about 10 mins from her house, so she could try to convince mom to move into so she could be closer to her when she needed to be. I"m game for her moving, but mom is adamantly saying NO WAY. She doesn't understand that she can't afford to move into low income housing and her house is falling apart due to termites over the years. I"ve done all I can do with keeping if livable, but the time is coming soon that she will need to move out of it. Thanksgiving my sister will be here a week staying at mom's and I'm sure she's going to talk to her once again about her moving to TN to live in that home she got her and fixed up. It's in excellent shape and is on a beautiful piece of property. Mom could live there and not have to pay rent, just bills and if she can't afford all of them, my sister would help her pay them. I hope that she comes to realize that it's the ONLY option she's got. I can't help her financially.

Trust me i've thought of this. My mom is only 75. She does not resonate with older folks and has never, ever had friends. She won't go anywhere unless it's with me or someone close.