Caregivers and Stress

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

Dee, I do hear you and I do get you. I totally do. I get that she's driving you insane or making you feel that way. I get that you are doing this because of your upbringing.....same here with me and my mom. I DO understand that you have to put your foot down about your mom being over all the time, and I totallly get that ....totally. I Live in a seniors and disabled community and the neighbors around me are constantly knocking on my door and needing mo for something. I had to pretty much get ugly about it because trying to tell them in a nice way that they are too needy just wasn't getting anywhere, and all the complaining about themselves. MAJOR stress overload on me and my own shit ya know. Then I have to deal with my own mom and how she treats me at times. OMG talk about major fucking ptsd/anxiety/depression overload,, can you stay stick a fork in me I"M DONE !! Now that I've gotten the point across to most of my elderly neighbors that I"m not available at their beckon call, that part of my stress is reduced a little. BUT, I still have my own crap to handle and then stuff going on with my mom like the shit I am NOW dealing with. Somedays I just wanna move the fuck away and be done with this, but then that part of me that says NO she's your mom stupid, do what you gotta do ,,,, kicks in inside and I stay. I've given up having a relationship with anyone because I take care of mom even though I don't live with her, I still have too much on my plate to even date anyone. .......besides the fact that I live in BFE little town heehaw tx that doesn't have any gays around here. UGH just another thing I deal with. I miss Austin, I miss my few friends there, I miss my cousins and my other part of my family that I connect with, and someday I want to move back to Austin area or atleast near there. I love it there, but alas, I took on my due dilgence to take on my mom and be here for her and any and all issues that come up be it going to doc. appts or fixing something with the car, her house or anything else that goes haywire like paperwork and such. I do what I can on my end, and my younger sister that lives in TN, she takes care of the bitching at social security and paying some of mom's bills for her out of her own pocket cause mom can't afford things like car insurance, etc. If it weren't for my younger sister, my mom would be really in much worse shape than she is. SO, I get EXACTLY where your coming from. I'm just sorry your mom doesn't appreciate anything about you and what you're doing for her.
Atleast mine will apologize to me an then cry and tell me thank you for helping her after she's yelled and screamed at me about her frustrations and whatever is bothering her. I"m sure you're not even getting anything like a thank you at all or even apology for anything she's said or done in the wrong to you and for that ................I can understand your frustrations with your mom and family with what they tell you that you should do. It's not that easy is it ? I KNOW IT"S NOT....period.
Hang in there my friend. Hang in there.


OH and I don't deal with stress on any level anymore. I can't take it or handle it most of the time. My ptsd and anxiety disorder has trumped those coping tools.

Thank you, and thank you for the PMs with lots of information.

For me, i DO enjoy her company, i can talk to my mom about anything. We love doing the same things, flea markets, garage sales and good ole trip to wal mart. i love that someone is around here, what i don't love is her smothering me.

She will apologize this way "go, go have fun, its not your fault you have a life and i don't" Thats her version of an apology.

She sits in pity land watching my neighbors come and go, She misses working. Work was her ONLY social activity. She still goes to visit people where she used to work and envies them. She just point blank hates getting old.

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Thank you, and thank you for the PMs with lots of information.

For me, i DO enjoy her company, i can talk to my mom about anything. We love doing the same things, flea markets, garage sales and good ole trip to wal mart. i love that someone is around here, what i don't love is her smothering me.

She will apologize this way "go, go have fun, its not your fault you have a life and i don't" Thats her version of an apology.

She sits in pity land watching my neighbors come and go, She misses working. Work was her ONLY social activity. She still goes to visit people where she used to work and envies them. She just point blank hates getting old.

Is there some type of community center that is open to the elderly during the day near you so you can get your mom some activity going like being around folks her age and playing dominos and card games , bingo, etc. That tends to help if you can find some stuff for her to do during the day. Here where I live, the elders get together and do those things so they aren't stuck at home bored and such. They can visit and talk, etc. I kinda figured that your mom was as you described above. She's bitter about not being able to work. Heck, it might even help if you got her into therapy if you could so she can talk to someone else besides you about how she's feeling. My mom doesn't think she needs any help so I have no way to get her behavior any better, so It's me that gets the therapy.
I get you when you need to have a life of your own and need not to be smothered by your mom. I think I"d go nuts if my mom smothered me on top of all the other stuff that goes on. I KNOW I'd lose my coping skills in some way. When I Lived with her, it was worse than it is now, so I moved out, couldn't take it anymore. It's better than it was at least for now.

This past year, my sister bought a place that she remodeled, in TN down the road about 10 mins from her house, so she could try to convince mom to move into so she could be closer to her when she needed to be. I"m game for her moving, but mom is adamantly saying NO WAY. She doesn't understand that she can't afford to move into low income housing and her house is falling apart due to termites over the years. I"ve done all I can do with keeping if livable, but the time is coming soon that she will need to move out of it. Thanksgiving my sister will be here a week staying at mom's and I'm sure she's going to talk to her once again about her moving to TN to live in that home she got her and fixed up. It's in excellent shape and is on a beautiful piece of property. Mom could live there and not have to pay rent, just bills and if she can't afford all of them, my sister would help her pay them. I hope that she comes to realize that it's the ONLY option she's got. I can't help her financially.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Thank you, and thank you for the PMs with lots of information.

For me, i DO enjoy her company, i can talk to my mom about anything. We love doing the same things, flea markets, garage sales and good ole trip to wal mart. i love that someone is around here, what i don't love is her smothering me.

She will apologize this way "go, go have fun, its not your fault you have a life and i don't" Thats her version of an apology.

She sits in pity land watching my neighbors come and go, She misses working. Work was her ONLY social activity. She still goes to visit people where she used to work and envies them. She just point blank hates getting old.

Does a bus line run close to your home? Is there somewhere she could volunteer? It sounds like she felt useful at work and if she could be useful again, maybe that would cut down on some of the vinegar that you're on the brunt end of.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Gemme

Does a bus line run close to your home? Is there somewhere she could volunteer? It sounds like she felt useful at work and if she could be useful again, maybe that would cut down on some of the vinegar that you're on the brunt end of.

i've thought of this too. She can drive around here so that's not the issue. i've mentioned volunteering and doing stuff. She does not feel well everyday and her immunity is still VERY bad, still she could do ANYthng but sit around here feeling sorry for herself, waiting for me to walk in.


BUT if it were her idea to do ANYthing i would not care, at least she would have some sort of quality of life.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

Is there some type of community center that is open to the elderly during the day near you so you can get your mom some activity going like being around folks her age and playing dominos and card games , bingo, etc. That tends to help if you can find some stuff for her to do during the day. Here where I live, the elders get together and do those things so they aren't stuck at home bored and such. They can visit and talk, etc. I kinda figured that your mom was as you described above. She's bitter about not being able to work. Heck, it might even help if you got her into therapy if you could so she can talk to someone else besides you about how she's feeling. My mom doesn't think she needs any help so I have no way to get her behavior any better, so It's me that gets the therapy.
I get you when you need to have a life of your own and need not to be smothered by your mom. I think I"d go nuts if my mom smothered me on top of all the other stuff that goes on. I KNOW I'd lose my coping skills in some way. When I Lived with her, it was worse than it is now, so I moved out, couldn't take it anymore. It's better than it was at least for now.

This past year, my sister bought a place that she remodeled, in TN down the road about 10 mins from her house, so she could try to convince mom to move into so she could be closer to her when she needed to be. I"m game for her moving, but mom is adamantly saying NO WAY. She doesn't understand that she can't afford to move into low income housing and her house is falling apart due to termites over the years. I"ve done all I can do with keeping if livable, but the time is coming soon that she will need to move out of it. Thanksgiving my sister will be here a week staying at mom's and I'm sure she's going to talk to her once again about her moving to TN to live in that home she got her and fixed up. It's in excellent shape and is on a beautiful piece of property. Mom could live there and not have to pay rent, just bills and if she can't afford all of them, my sister would help her pay them. I hope that she comes to realize that it's the ONLY option she's got. I can't help her financially.

Trust me i've thought of this. My mom is only 75. She does not resonate with older folks and has never, ever had friends. She won't go anywhere unless it's with me or someone close.

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by girl_dee

Trust me i've thought of this. My mom is only 75. She does not resonate with older folks and has never, ever had friends. She won't go anywhere unless it's with me or someone close.

I hear ya, my mom is 72 and hates visiting anyone. She doesn't have any friends that she talks to and mostly it's ME and I hear the same stories ,etc all the time. Wears me out as I'm sure it does you as well.I wonder why it is that our 2 moms are like this? It's like they don't wanna do nothing to make themselves happy at all or bring them joy. Almost like it's TABOO for them. SMH*

OH and I'm still having to deal with mom's benefits issues. Damn social security hasn't done entered into the computer the manual request for medicaid so mom's benefits are restored and so I can get Austin health and Human services to FIX the problems with her benefits and benefit amounts. This is a fucking nightmare. I've contacted my state senator and gotten them involved in it and now today contacted my local congressman to get them involved in this and to make a formal complaint on mom's behalf that there is a fucking problem with the system checks and balances betweent the VA computer matching program and Social Security Doubling the benefits and knocking her out of SSI benefits which in turn cause the fucking nightmarish snowball effect for ALL of her state benefits. Hopefully sometime next week this will ALL be resolved so she is restored in the system BEFORE DEC> 1st when her benefits are due to come for that month. And BEFORE THE END OF NOV 30th when they are to STOP existing for her.
I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone I hated ..........just saying.

[TruTexan]

ok, I"ve been running my ass off this week to take care of sending paperwork and make phone calls to diff. agencies to help mom get her benefits back. Today, I was so damned tired I laid down to take a short nap, and slept for over 4.5 hours. I think my body and mind just needed to shut the hell down and regroup because of all the stress. I woke up still feeling tired though and I hope I can sleep tonight. I know when this is all over with in the next few months, omg that long?, I will probably sleep for a freaking week, just to regroup. UGH.

[girl_dee]

Even with all the stress, smothering and clinging on to me for dear life i am thankful that my mom isn't as sick as she was and will enjoy a nice holiday with the family together again.

Last year she was pretty much near death and none of us really knew. She hid it well. She told me she is very afraid of dying. i know she thinks about it a lot.

[PoeticSilence]

It took me a while to catch up, but I'll toss in a couple notes. When I was trying to figure out how wait on disability to kick in (still waiting) I started looking up state agencies for aide, and my pharmacy and my doctor worked out something where I get all but one of my meds for free. The other one I pay seventy five dollars a month for. That's a four hundred dollar a month burden lifted from my shoulders.

The other program was with NE state social services. They set me up with foodstamps, and Medicaid for my wifes' son, we are still working on me and my wifes' Medicaid. They also gave us utility assistance, it was only like four hundred dollars for the entire year, but believe me, that was very helpful because I live in a very cold place when winter hits.

I have totally humbled myself while I wait for my long term disability to recognize my inability to work, and for my SSD to kick in, and I called every charitable organization in my city, including churches to see what sorts of aide I could get. One place that was invaluable was a place that rents out things like wheelchairs and reclining chairs that help you stand, and oxygen concentrators. My concentrator costs me four hundred dollars a month to rent it out, but I'm working something out with them right now since I no longer have insurance. If that doesn't go through, I'll go back to the place I got my wheelchair from and rent that concentrator they have for like fifty dollars a year.

Call everyone, even your local YWCA and see if they have any programs to help an elderly woman and give them your specifics. I've even been offered a weekly class for free on dealing with my disability stress. At one of the hospitals they have a special swimming pool for disabled people and I'm waiting to be notified of my SSD before I can apply to use the pool. Now remember, I'm the caregivee, not the caregiver, but I'm sure they'll have something for you as well. There are plenty of potlucks and meetings for caregivers in my community, you really just need to check around.

My AARP newsletter and the AARP site also had a ton of information about services available to me and my caregiving wife. Don't forget to give them a shout out.