Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

[TruTexan]

It's been a long waring process for me to heal. I"m still not there yet, But I will be in time. I know it just takes time. I am so leary about meeting or dating anyone anymore because of what I endured. IT's frightening to have someone do to me what she did. It Broke me inside and scared me to death about what could have happened to me even though I was not guilty of being the abuser. IT was she that was the abuser always setting off my ptsd,pushing my buttons, acting crazy and telling everyone I was doing things to her and hurting her. I freaked and told her I was leaving just as soon as I could when I got my disability check the next month. I won't go into detail but it just wasn't right what she claimed to the police saying I did things to her when I didn't do anything but tell her to get her shit together and stop acting like the way she was acting and stop treating me wrong. I ended up leaving that very night after an argument with her via police escort. I wasn't arrested for anything because I didn't do anything. I had to live in a shelter until me check came, I was alone in a state I didn't know anyone in and was frightened to death of what she was planning on doing. I could feel it in my gut. When I left, I got mail a couple months later telling me I had DV charges filed against me for things I never did.
She was a real nut job I think. And since I left I think it pissed her off so she made false claims of abuse about me. It cost me a ton of money that I couldn't afford, but i managed to handle and pay out to a really good attorney. I wasn't found guilty, I was aquitted do to lack of evidence. There was NO evidence what so ever that I did the things she said.
For me, this has really messed up my personal life, social life, and put a huge strain on me financially just to go through this mess she created. I"m tired of not talking about it, tired of being silenced, pissed off that I haven't been able to have a voice, and I'm glad Girl started this thread. I appreciate everyone's input, it has greatly opened my eyes and my mind. I have man things to ponder still and work through. It's been 3yrs this coming year and I still need to go back to a therapist and do some more work on me.
Anywho, Thank you all for your input and thoughts on this subject.

[Girl_On_Fire]

I have to say another warning sign might be asking for money. Now, mind you, if you're in a committed relationship and you're together for a while, sharing finances and supporting each other is typical. However, if you're only just met someone or have only interacted with them online and they start talking about major hardships where they need money, something is amiss. Nobody (except perhaps those with social learning disabilities) would ask what would basically be a virtual stranger for financial help. It just crosses a line.

[TruTexan]

I feel like the biggest sucker that has ever walked the earth at times. I"ve fallen for so much bullshit it's pathetic. So back to therapy I go thanks to this thread for opening my eyes even more. I know I need to work on stopping the patterns of picking partners I've had in the past. I will be doing therapy this month if not next month. And I'm going to work hard on stopping those patterns of abusive relationships in all forms. It's going to be intensive therapy for me.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

I feel like the biggest sucker that has ever walked the earth at times. I"ve fallen for so much bullshit it's pathetic. So back to therapy I go thanks to this thread for opening my eyes even more. I know I need to work on stopping the patterns of picking partners I've had in the past. I will be doing therapy this month if not next month. And I'm going to work hard on stopping those patterns of abusive relationships in all forms. It's going to be intensive therapy for me.

People who are kind, loving, and trusting are rare in this world. Honestly, we are not the problem. We need more of that in this world. It's the people who see our goodness and exploit it for their own gain who are the ones who really have the problem. I think that the key is to find a balance of maintaining your good heart and protecting yourself from those who would wish to take advantage of you. I'm learning that now. It's a process. You're not alone.

[TruTexan]

I wonder, are there any other forms of abuse that we haven't talked about?

[Words]

I haven't read every post so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet but one red flag would be (for me) when someone resorts to blaming every bad word/action/whatever on physical or mental health issues (either real or imagined). I haven't experienced this personally but someone very dear to me has done and it really did a number of them. (I know from my own experience with my daughter (special needs) that it's definitely a slippery slope when you start excusing negative behaviour that can be controlled but isn't.) I'm not saying (of course) that I wouldn't be supportive of a partner who had genuine health issues, but what I wouldn't do is allow them to use those issues as an excuse for treating me poorly.

Words

[TruTexan]

Originally Posted by Words

I haven't read every post so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet but one red flag would be (for me) when someone resorts to blaming every bad word/action/whatever on physical or mental health issues (either real or imagined). I haven't experienced this personally but someone very dear to me has done and it really did a number of them. (I know from my own experience with my daughter (special needs) that it's definitely a slippery slope when you start excusing negative behaviour that can be controlled but isn't.) I'm not saying (of course) that I wouldn't be supportive of a partner who had genuine health issues, but what I wouldn't do is allow them to use those issues as an excuse for treating me poorly.

Words

Words, thank you for mentioning this in your post. This is a form of abuse I forgot about and that's not been mentioned here before. Sometimes this type person with those issues uses it as an excuse to blame the victim instead of owning up to their own issues and seeking help for themselves. It's just another form of abuse In my own opinion. I know of a couple people that it's happened to. I felt bad for them because it was a nightmare to endure, the emotional and mental anguish they went through was horrible and they finally ended their relationships. I'm glad they did.Thanks for your input, keep coming back.

[Girl_On_Fire]

Originally Posted by Words

I haven't read every post so I'm not sure if this has been mentioned yet but one red flag would be (for me) when someone resorts to blaming every bad word/action/whatever on physical or mental health issues (either real or imagined). I haven't experienced this personally but someone very dear to me has done and it really did a number of them. (I know from my own experience with my daughter (special needs) that it's definitely a slippery slope when you start excusing negative behaviour that can be controlled but isn't.) I'm not saying (of course) that I wouldn't be supportive of a partner who had genuine health issues, but what I wouldn't do is allow them to use those issues as an excuse for treating me poorly.

Words

Thank you for bringing this up. I also believe that there's a flip side to this. If your partner is aware that you have a type of mental or developmental disability and they continue to use that against you, it's a type of abuse. I've waited until now to bring this up because I didn't want to derail the discussion but I have Asperger's syndrome.

I'm self-diagnosed but from years of research and talking with people who have it, I more than qualify. When I first told my partner this, I explained the literal way that I think and that I need a great deal of clarification in order to understand any social wrong-doing or misunderstanding. Without it, "the obvious" goes right over my head. With other people I had dated, I didn't know this about myself and relationships failed before they even began.

With my last ex, I understood what to explain and what I needed and thought this would be very helpful. After all, once you explain to someone that you absolutely cannot help not understanding something, they couldn't possibly continue to get angry with you for not getting it without speaking to them in a way they understand, right? I mean, it would be like getting angry with someone in a wheelchair for not being able to walk.

Well, instead of this information being helpful, my ex used it to further confuse me. She would try to "educate" me on a appropriate social behavior and since I had no foundation for this in the context of a romantic partnership, she was able to use me as a puppet.

I said and did things and acted in ways I was instructed were appropriate and then realized later I was only being manipulated. I would act the way she said she wanted me to act and would make her feel loved in the relationship and then be treated like I was completely insane when I did what I was told was expected of me.

A lot of this also had to do with cultural expectations as she was from the South and I from the North. It was quite easy for the combination of my Asperger's and the fact I lived in a completely different environment to be an easy way to manipulate, control, confuse, and punish me.

For most neurotypical (non-autistic people) this is not a concern even in emotionally-abusive relationships. After all, NT people have a firm social foundation and can usually tell when they're being asked to behave in a way that doesn't make sense for them. Not so us Aspies. We are like like hollow social sponges. Mimicking and following the examples of others in our environment is the only way we can survive socially. It's the way we learn.

I think people with Asperger's and other forms of social developmental issues may be at a great deal of increased risk for being targeted by someone with abusive tendencies. We are always looking for direction even if we aren't aware of it.

Like honeybarbara, I don't trust myself. This is why I need and want those I truly know love and care about me to get to know potential partners from now on. Most of my friends and family behave in a healthy, normal ways and I need to compare and contrast and "run them by" NT people so I'm certain that what I'm feeling (I partner by emotional vibration alone) doesn't ever put me in danger again. I also have clear-cut set rules for romantic encounters now so I don't even up ever again following my heart off of a cliff.

When you don't know you have a blind spot and a massive one, I do believe it takes legions of angels to protect you (if you believe in such things) until you are able to clearly see and understand what some people are capable of.

[Rockinonahigh]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

I feel like the biggest sucker that has ever walked the earth at times. I"ve fallen for so much bullshit it's pathetic. So back to therapy I go thanks to this thread for opening my eyes even more. I know I need to work on stopping the patterns of picking partners I've had in the past. I will be doing therapy this month if not next month. And I'm going to work hard on stopping those patterns of abusive relationships in all forms. It's going to be intensive therapy for me.

Tex.
I fought going to therapy for years,I knew I needed to go but telling someone I don't know about the issues I have just didn't fly,so for years I filed it away somewhere in the back of my mind like it never happened. But it wormed it's way into parts of my life bit by bit till it made me a mess to deal with.Then at a pflag meeting I reconected with an old friend who introduced me to a therapist that over time led me to go to this person for a therapist.we waded through a min field of everything that popped into my mind the good,the bad,the not so bad then the disasters.This helped me in many ways to learn how to deal with life as it is and was along with how I hope for it to become.I still go on an as needed basics .I still have a couple of things I really need to work on but I have been trying not deal with it cause I know the powder keg that will blow when I do,maybe it won't be so big who knows.

[Teddybear]

Originally Posted by TruTexan

It's been a long waring process for me to heal. I"m still not there yet, But I will be in time. I know it just takes time. I am so leary about meeting or dating anyone anymore because of what I endured. IT's frightening to have someone do to me what she did. It Broke me inside and scared me to death about what could have happened to me even though I was not guilty of being the abuser. IT was she that was the abuser always setting off my ptsd,pushing my buttons, acting crazy and telling everyone I was doing things to her and hurting her. I freaked and told her I was leaving just as soon as I could when I got my disability check the next month. I won't go into detail but it just wasn't right what she claimed to the police saying I did things to her when I didn't do anything but tell her to get her shit together and stop acting like the way she was acting and stop treating me wrong. I ended up leaving that very night after an argument with her via police escort. I wasn't arrested for anything because I didn't do anything. I had to live in a shelter until me check came, I was alone in a state I didn't know anyone in and was frightened to death of what she was planning on doing. I could feel it in my gut. When I left, I got mail a couple months later telling me I had DV charges filed against me for things I never did.
She was a real nut job I think. And since I left I think it pissed her off so she made false claims of abuse about me. It cost me a ton of money that I couldn't afford, but i managed to handle and pay out to a really good attorney. I wasn't found guilty, I was aquitted do to lack of evidence. There was NO evidence what so ever that I did the things she said.
For me, this has really messed up my personal life, social life, and put a huge strain on me financially just to go through this mess she created. I"m tired of not talking about it, tired of being silenced, pissed off that I haven't been able to have a voice, and I'm glad Girl started this thread. I appreciate everyone's input, it has greatly opened my eyes and my mind. I have man things to ponder still and work through. It's been 3yrs this coming year and I still need to go back to a therapist and do some more work on me.
Anywho, Thank you all for your input and thoughts on this subject.

I so know this. I too have been FALSELY accused however I was arrested cause my abuser swore that I did things to her I never did. I was told long ago when someone points one finger at you there are 4 pointed back at them. I have learned to realize just what that means. I take a long hard look at who is pointing and what now.

I have lost time from work, money and self respect for I started to believe the things that my abuser said I was doing. I knew deep down I had never done those things but you know the mind will start to play tricks on you when your constantly told an ALTERNATE story line, that has SOME truth in it.

I used to think that me being kind and loving to them would stop the abuse it didnt. What it did was ramp it up. The more I tried the worse it got.

When I finally said Im done you would have thought I had started a war. No matter how calm I stayed the louder she got. I left and she called and told the police all kinds of things. I have to say the 1 thing she could have really said that would have had me placed under the jail she didnt and Im not about to say what it is.

Daily I have to face Me. I have to look Me in the face and tell myself I am better off ALONE then being with ANYONE who wants to tear me down.

I know that working on me and keeping my truth I will overcome the hold my abusers have had over me. Its a daily struggle one that Im sure isnt about to just up and disappear.